Waiting

So today was miserable. I got a text about going to work early. I did end up going in at 2 instead of 3:30. I couldn't go in earlier because I worked until almost 1am and went to bed around 3. I also had to wait until I was sober enough to go. I mean I didn't expect to wake up so early.

I was supposed to talk with the manager about the accusation that someone said I smelled like alcohol. I got to work and started working expecting them to talk to me. Then the manager left, and I was left wondering what would happen. I finally asked my supervisor about it. He said they had talked to HR about it and would talk about it tomorrow... so I got to work another day not knowing if I was being fired. He told me that they were more willing to work with me than not. Whatever that meant.

I spent the night working and not knowing if I would be fired tomorrow. I almost cried several times.

I said at some point that I was terrified about tomorrow. My supervisor pulled me aside and told me not to repeat what he told me. He said they all (him, the manager, the daytime supervisor) said nice things about me. The HR guy is researching medical leave for me. The plan discussed is to make this a final warning, so if anyone ever suspects I am drinking I would be fired. Now they want me to get treatment.

He kept saying that he wasn't supposed to tell me this. He said it was unprofessional, but sometimes it's right to say the wrong thing. I think that he was worried that I would do something bad because I was so terrified about the meeting. He kept telling me not to tell anyone what he said because it was not a finalized plan. The HR guy had to get it approved.

Tomorrow I get to go in early and I guess will find out what will happen. Apparently, the boss (chief toxicologist who I know from school) I also involved. I don't know what will happen. I am willing to do pretty much whatever to keep my job. I told my supervisor that I was afraid they (him, the manager, the other supervisor) wanted me to be fired, but he assured me that they said good things. I texted a friend and another coworker about all this because it was so hard to work 9 hours not knowing if I would be fired tomorrow.

So I guess I will update tomorrow. I hope that the meeting is early in the shift. Waiting days to find out is making me crazy. I keep wondering how I will kill myself if they fire me. I keep wondering what I will say. This job has become my life.. whether that is good or bad I don't know. I don't know how honest I should/will be about how this job affects me. I am drunk enough now not to think about it. I will let you (anyone who cares) tomorrow what happens.