I feel like I have gone back in time to earlier this year and repeating the same behaviors and patterns. I don't know if it's a good thing that I can see that or if it makes it that much more tempting to sabotage myself.
I remember that the depression really spiralled out of control when I started taking my meds again in January after some time without them. I have no clue why. I saw my psychiatrist several times and he started me on a new med about a week before my former sponsor had a little intervention and carted me off to inpatient. I recently stopped my meds for a week or so before starting again, and I don't know if that's linked to the increased depression or just coincidence. I see my psychiatrist next week, but a week can feel very long when the depression is bad.
It was very shortly after being inpatient at the end of February that I started drinking again. I bought and disposed of several bottles before I actually took a drink. Saturday I bought a bottle of vodka that the IOP therapist disposed of on Monday after I admitted to having it in my car. Yesterday I bought another bottle and today I brought it inside and started drinking it.
I don't think I am coping well at all. I went to work yesterday in a very bad mood. I slept poorly and woke up feeling off.. my muscles were sore, I was tired, and I was depressed. I didn't try to hide it. I had a rather insane amount of work to do and it was not something that's usually my job, but there were only 2 other analysts. One of whom has never been trained to do this type of case and the other is insanely slow at it (Took 4 hours to do around 10 of them and there were close to 50 to be done). My supervisor offered to help but ended up having to help them with other cases. I called him over to ask a question, and while he was standing there he asked if I was ok. I mumbled something about being stressed and tried to change the topic to my question. He asked again and asked if he could help. I said no. Truth is that even if I wanted to talk about how stressed I am by work, I can't because a lot involves people complaining which can cause problems and a lot is about him.
I managed to finish the task I had and made sure things got wrapped up ok for the other analysts. We left at 1am and I had to be up at 8, so I didn't sleep well. In IOP I didn't admit to the new bottle of vodka. I talked about quitting school. Another thing that may be linked to this increased depression is that I have seen Dr H twice this week walking to school (I assume?). She lives very near me, and I drove by her on my way to IOP. In group, I made a point to say that I didn't really want feedback because I don't know these people well enough for them to really understand what I have gone through since I started grad school. It went ok. The therapist just said to make a decision and not blame myself for things. Basically to let it go. I think the first step to facing it will be to check my school email after at least a couple months without doing it. The therapist says that avoiding the situation never helps.
Still, I am drinking tonight. Tomorrow I have regular therapy and I almost wish I was working instead so I don't have to deal with everything. I haven't seen her since before the last time inpatient, which means a lot has happened. I don't know what to tell her. I also am not looking forward to work on Friday because at least yesterday only a few people worked. Friday and the weekend will be back to full drama. I cannot handle drama anymore. I really need to brainstorm ways to distance myself from everything. I am also afraid to be asked again about how I'm doing and having to lie or actually admit how poorly I am doing. I would hate to admit that I am close to as bad as I was before going inpatient, and if I continue drinking I will be that bad or worse soon.
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