I don't think I talked about this much yesterday. I think I was debating mentioning it at all.
I have always found that when I am confined to a psych ward, I tend to replace one maladaptive coping skill with another. If they are watching my ED, I self harm. If they are watching for self harm, I restrict or I purge. I become obsessed. I tried to explain to my therapist this compulsion. I will walk the perimeter of my bedroom or any I am alone in looking for thumbtacks, screws, anything sharp. I check the furniture for loose screws I could take out. When I was in residential once, they were super careful with plastic forks/spoons/knives. I became obsessed with the same.
Well this hospitalization, I managed a couple forks and then coincidentally they changed to another type that I can't use the same way. So I became obsessed with burning. I managed 4 separate 2nd degree burns using either water or coffee. I admitted to it and the first time was put on 1to 1. The second I negotiated that I only needed to be monitored in the cafeteria or around the coffee by the nurses station. This didn't happen.
Well then beyond the problem of not being monitored and basically just being told to stop, I asked one nurse about bandaging it (this was after the first). He said they only had small bandaids. Nothing to cover this. I asked the night nurse because they kept sticking to my clothing and getting things stuck in them. She said she'd call the other unit and then never said anything again. I asked day nurse and he said the other unit didn't have anything. What psych ward isn't equipped for even minor burns? They aren't that bad, but they only have bandaids.
When I got home, I dropped off the cats and went to Walmart. I picked up various supplies.
The question I have been debating is about returning to work tomorrow. I obviously intend to bandage them because 1. I don't want them getting infected and 2. pretty gross looking. But in the hospital and around my parents I also wore long sleeves. It's summer in Texas, so this was not pleasant. Add a scrub top and sitting in a poorly ventilated building for 8 hours. I am not sure I can do it. I am thinking of just saying I don't want to talk about it if anyone asks. If it's my supervisor/manager/boss I may ask if they really want to know. I am willing to say they are burns from in the hospital, but I am not willing to show anyone. I assume their boundaries are good enough not to ask. I guess you will find out my decision tomorrow
Today I went to AA and then spent several hours binging and purging. Not my proudest moment.
I think this is fairly normal (not that it's a good thing). Whenever I'm in hospital for my lungs and not even allowed cigarettes, let alone the other crap I smoke, ED goes into overdrive.
ReplyDeleteWhen I was in a psych ward when I was 15/16, there was a girl who took the challenge of only having plastic cutlery. It's scary to see how much damage they can do if you try. It seems wrong that they're not equipped with more than band-aids. Surely they could've gotten things from another unit!
Even if their boundaries aren't good enough to not ask, you're under no obligation to show and/or tell them. I guess it's human nature to be sticky-beaks and try to pry, but they are not entitled to it.
Take care <3
xxxx