Things have not gone in a positive direction since my last post. I am not sure why. I started taking my meds again. I am reminded that a couple months after I stopped taking my meds last and then started again, I ended up inpatient for suicidal thoughts. I don't know if this will end up like that.
Saturday I made a poor choice and bought a bottle of vodka. I had been considering it for several days. Saturday I woke up to a text from a coworker. It was a group text, so I then got dozens of responses. Part of the conversation was that 2 people are quitting, although I didn't find out who the second person was until later. The rest was bitching about all sorts of things. I ended up putting my phone on silent and going back to sleep. In the time I spent laying awake in bed, my plans for the day changed from going to AA and get lunch to getting lunch and going to the liquor store and maybe AA if I had time. On the way to the liquor store, I decided to go to AA first and then the liquor store after. Then I went to work.
Work was stressful because it always involves listening to people complain. Our shift is 3:30-12 and at 11 a couple people started suggesting we leave early. I said that we needed to finish exporting a plate because it could get us in trouble if the manager found out we could do it but chose to leave before the end of the shift. I said others could leave and I would do it because people were clearly frustrated by my suggestion. So a couple people left early. The lead and one analyst hung around while I exported and we left at around 11:50 (so still early). I was in a bad mood because I really think my suggestion was reasonable and hate having to argue or try to convince people to do our job. That means that of course I went to the grocery store and binged and purged.
I left the vodka in my car. Today I went to work and again the analyst from day shift hung out and people complained all day. My supervisor came in for a little while and even made a comment about her being there because I got the impression he didn't approve for some reason. There was the usual question about waiting for him to finish his cases before doing the pull. The analyst that asked if we should start I simply told we were waiting and then in a much quieter voice that I wasn't arguing with the supervisor this week.
I didn't binge tonight. The vodka is still in my car. I don't know what I want to do with it.
I have briefly thought today about looking for another job. 2 people quitting is going to make everything harder on the rest of us since who knows if/when they will hire more people, and even then it means more trainees. I also had a wonderfully awkward moment when a coworker asked when I am graduating because she thinks we should do a graduation party for everyone who graduated recently. I just said I wasn't included and tried to avoid answering. I am not ready to discuss school with her. Very few people know that I am giving up. I am not proud of it. I also don't think anyone who doesn't know about my mental health problems can really understand why I am choosing this or the significance of it.
I also did/said a stupid thing. We had a potluck dinner, and we were sitting in the conference room. The topic of insurance came up and someone was asking about this HRA thing the company does which basically pays part of your deductible if you end up with a bill for more than a certain amount. A couple people didn't understand what it is, so I explained. I then commented that I hate that they started this after I met my deductible. Well this started in March during open enrollment, which means that my comment implies I had more than $5,000 in medical bills in 2 months since it resets in January. That's from my time inpatient in February. Well, the guy who I don't really like from day shift who works Sunday night said something about it and asked if I was ok. I said yes I was fine and thankfully the topic changed. I actually don't know how much my coworkers have figured out about the time I took off in February with no advanced warning or the time I took off last month.. I was honest with at least one person about this last stay, but I didn't say anything in February.
I have iop in the morning, and I am debating what (if anything) I should talk about. I didn't say anything in process group Thursday or Friday. I know I need to talk about buying vodka. I probably should talk about school. My issue with that is that I don't really want feedback from other patients about school because they barely know me, and I don't want a lot more doubt and anxiety. I am afraid they will all say I shouldn't give up because education is valuable or because I can do it or I'm smart or some other crap that is the default response. There is so much more to this that I can't explain in such a short time and don't want to. I don't know if I would have time to bring up both things without monopolizing group. So probably the vodka is more important or at least time dependant since I haven't opened it yet. I just realize the issues are probably related.
My mood is shit tonight since this evening at work. I am dreading work tomorrow and group tomorrow. I am just dreading getting out of bed tomorrow in general.
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