Back to work

Today was my first day back at work since discharge on Friday. I am scheduled Saturday but took the day off. It was a weird day. Tomorrow is Independence Day in the US, and so the boss wanted everything finished today. That meant it was rather frantic. I was super anxious just being there and felt like I was trying to interpret everyone's facial expressions and actions. The shifts overlapped, so several people worked in a separate room, which made it worse because I hate not being able to hear conversations.

I decided not to bother trying to cover the bandages on my arms (see last post). They are pretty obvious although I used the sort of tape that only sticks to itself which I feel looks better than normal cloth tape because it hides the gauze or pad underneath. I also used it because I tend to get a rash from adhesive on some tape. They still itch like crazy and I kept scratching, but at least they're healing nicely.

I know people saw them. I did notice them looking, although my mind probably exaggerates how much. The only comment I got was about how awesome that kind of tape is. I told myself I would cover the burns for a week and then reassess, but 2 look well enough to possibly go uncovered. The question then is how soon am I willing to risk questions about them?

Work in general was OK. Within the first hour I finished an energy drink and a cup of coffee, so I was pretty wired. I did a fair amount of pacing and spent time in the other room with friends. They were happy I am back. One said some sentence about finishing her THC which sparked a series of jokes.. also this was around when I decided to chug another cup of coffee. We had a good laugh about various things. When you work in a toxicology lab, it can be important to phrase things correctly.

Eating disorder is not going well today. I decided when I got up at around 11 to go to McDonald's and buy binge food. I also binged and purged again after work. Tomorrow I am unsure about. I have no plans, which is bad. Most of the AA people I know are going to some big AA party, but I don't do parties for a variety of reasons. I don't work. This whole binging/purging pattern has me obsessed with food and also questioning my desire to be sober. I am also a bit suicidal. I am trying not to think about that, but for example the doctor inpatient increased my Seroquel, but I decided to fill both the prescription for the new strength and old strength just to have the extra. Same with filling the trazodone I said I won't take. Though I am considering taking one tonight so I can sleep more of tomorrow. I will probably end up shopping and binging tomorrow. We'll see.