Tuesday work was super stressful and we ended up there until almost 1:30 again. Although this time it was not anyone's fault. There was just too much to do and at some point the power went out. A couple minutes with no power is enough to take down the machines and set everything behind.
This meant Wednesday morning I was exhausted. I went to IOP anyway since I skipped on Monday. Well, he wanted us to do this art therapy sort of thing instead of a normal education topic. The instructions said to draw a picture representing our hero self that represents accomplishing our goals. A picture of the part of ourselves that makes bad choices or something along those lines. Then one of the hero overcoming the bad.
I couldn't do it. I don't have a good history with art therapy or honestly art classes that involved being told what to do. I need some kind of freedom or I get angry. Combine these stupid instructions with being too exhausted to think, and I chose to sit and do nothing. I drew no pictures. I ended up having to write on the paper that I did nothing so the therapist had something to put in my chart since I didn't draw anything.
So in process group, obviously he could tell I was in a bad mood. I admitted to not taking my meds. He asked me to start again. People expressed concern. One asked if I stopped taking them because I wanted to feel depressed. I admitted that it feels safe. I thanked everyone for the feedback because I really didn't want to seem like a bitch.
After group the therapist pulled me aside. He asked if I think it is helping. He knows I work at night and am not sleeping well. I said I think it is but it was so hard to focus when I got that tired. We discussed maybe only going 3 days a week so I could sleep in the other days. He said it was OK if I missed some days. This was surprising since the other iop I did at that hospital I got such grief for ever missing. I also admitted something that was bothering me. When I signed my treatment plan for iop the therapist reviewing it with me (not the same therapist) showed me my diagnoses. Alcohol use disorder and major depressive disorder recurrent moderate. I don't know why the word moderate bothered me so much, but for years it has been recurrent severe on paperwork from every hospital, so I guess I felt invalidated. I wondered why I suddenly seemed less depressed or wasn't being taken seriously. I know that's not healthy, but that's what I felt. I felt ridiculous admitting it, but I know it is part of why I stopped my meds.
I left and bought binge food then went home and took a 4 hour nap before binging and purging. Today group was better. Everyone commented that I seemed happier. I don't know if I am, but sleep helped. I also didn't share in group. That was nice.
In other news, I told my mom about school.. that I wasn't sure about going back and finishing. She said only go if I want to. She actually did the same thing. She went to grad school but never graduated because she got a job and that's what she really wanted. We discussed how fucked up grad school can be.. the only people who graduate quickly are the ones with well funded labs. Professors secretly hate each other and it reflects in how they treat students. She said at the end she went to school to see my dad (that's where they met) and started crying just from being there. That's about the level of panic that going to campus causes me. So I don't think I'm going back. I think someday if I change my mind, I might start again at a different school. I probably need to say something to Dr H, but honestly she has made no effort to reach out to me or help these past couple semesters, so I am not sure I owe her anything. I need to take care of myself. Fuck that place. Fuck the professor who gave me bad projects and blamed me for anything that went wrong until I was too angry to keep researching and had wasted over a year on cells that were dying because of products she bought because they were cheaper.
I'm a month sober as of today. Yet I'm still thinking of buying liquor. I talked myself out of it tonight because I have IOP in the morning and have to be up early.. so I'm b/p instead and considering going to the liquor store tomorrow. We'll see what happens
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