July 5th

So I had a weird day. Last night I slept for about 14 hours.. I guess partly to make up for not sleeping the night before and partly not wanting to get up and face the world and probably b/p before work. I got to work to find only the manager there and a little while later my supervisor showed up. Apparently, he told everyone else not to come in because there was nothing to do. I am not bothered that he did that, but I almost wish I knew before work because it was just disconcerting to show up to that.  The lab was closed on the 4th, so there were no samples ready yet from yesterday. We just had to sit around for certain other samples that sometimes become available.. of which in the 2.5 hours I was there, I had 2 to close.. super busy, right?

Well, the rest of the shift was just awkward.. in many, many ways. It was one of those days that I hated sitting by the boss because I heard some phone conversations I probably didn't need to. One was mainly involving technical stuff that sounds like it's going to be a lot of work for them.. thankfully nothing to really do with me. The second involved another department where they may be changing the schedule and how that may cause them all to quit. During that one I awkwardly got up and went to hang out at the desk by my supervisor.. still could hear it though. My supervisor asked via instant messenger if she was talking about our department. I said no. I told him later what she was talking about. I didn't think I should do it over the messenger because the boss might see.

This is only my 2nd day back at work since I got out of the hospital Friday and the first time the boss has seen me. She asked how I was doing and said how much better I look. She said my skin looks a lot better.. which is true. I swear I started to look grey before I went in. Huge bags under my eyes despite sleeping 12 hours a day. She also complimented my hair (added a picture to the previous post) as did my supervisor. That made me happy because I worried people would think it was too bright

Well, she went home and things remained awkward. My supervisor kept talking about how his new addiction is buying scooters (like the motorized kind.. like vespas) and fixing them. Honestly, he's not wrong.. he has like 3 now and only 1 actually works. He's thinking of buying another. He brought up how he always has a problem with something. I said I know what he means.. I didn't elaborate. I mean technically I once mentioned having problems with food to him and he probably has caught on about the self harm.. especially since I went to work with one burn uncovered, so I was standing drinking coffee with that on my arm as well as the 2 other bandages. I don't know.. we talked about doctors and medications. I am not entirely sure I like what I'm on now. I see my psychiatrist Thursday.

Tomorrow I really need to call the hospital I am supposed to be doing IOP at. I just haven't. I really am not sure I want to do this IOP... it's a lot of time commitment and lately I am not convinced I want to stay sober. The daily binging and purging has made drinking sound a lot more appealing. I am also reminded how many times I have failed at treatment, so it seems inevitable that I will relapse. Why bother then? I have been in so much therapy. Plus, I am a little concerned that if they see the self harm or I mention it, they will recommend IP or refuse to let me do outpatient. I also feel like I can't relapse right now because I worried everyone at work so much. They seem so happy to have me back. It wouldn't take long for drinking to get me right back to the spot I was in a couple weeks ago.. and this time they might recognize what that means. They deserve better, and things are getting busier.. that means taking time off again really isn't an option.

So I will call.. and I will probably try the IOP for now. I can always quit. It's much easier to quit an outpatient program than deal with getting discharged from IP.