I really need to try to write more because I think I need to get out of my head. The therapist asked in IOP Friday if I liked to write. I said yes but didn't mention blogging just out of fear another patient might find it, and no offense to the other patients but I have no intention to keep them in my life after IOP. Too dramatic.
The combination of IOP and work has been stressful and exhausting. The therapist asked me if maybe I need to take time off and I explained that I don't want to because they need me. I fully acknowledge that my priorities are screwed up. I value my job and my coworkers more than my health. So I would rather try to keep working. I feel more likely to quit IOP than take more time off work.
IOP was awkward on Friday. I made the mistake of admitting about my problems with self harm, so people keep asking if I am still doing it. I also mentioned that I burned myself while inpatient. A patient seemed surprised and asked how, but I said I wouldn't say that in group. I am afraid I might give someone ideas and they might try it. I mentioned it mainly because in my mind the reason going IP is a last resort is that it doesn't keep me safe. I always end up harming myself and purging. I have been brainstorming ways to sneak in razors since I got out, so I could try it next time. I have a feeling there will be a next time. I am not going to stay out the rest of my life. Anyway, Friday the therapist told me that my expression is flat, that I don't smile, and I struggle to make eye contact (I thought I was doing better on that one) during group. Patients also expressed concern after I admitted that I wanted to drink and the urge is getting stronger. I think it was the therapist that said the sentence I despise ("We will love you until you can love yourself"). It was all too much. They didn't like my explanation that I have learned to save my energy for all the social interaction at work. After group he said I looked like I was going to cry.. and I had been fighting tears in group. He asked if I wanted to talk, but I said no and left as quickly as possible.
Work has been challenging. My caffeine intake is pretty insane. Friday was 2 cups of coffee at IOP, a diet soda at lunch, a diet soda and a Redline shot at work, 2 diet pills, and another diet soda at work. At least.. I may be forgetting something. That's in addition to the Vyvanse. Of course instead of getting off at midnight like we are supposed to, we were there until 1:30.
I am frustrated about the overtime not just because of the hours. I am frustrated because it could be avoided.
Tuesday I worked until 1am because my supervisor asked at midnight if a certain thing had been done. I had spent the night closing cases. The other 2 analysts 1 had been closing and other tasks and 1 isn't trained to do what he asked about so couldn't be expected to do it. My supervisor had been doing reruns, and normally the person doing reruns does this other task but clearly he hadn't. He also essentially asked me for the easy cases once I found out how many were available. I don't know if he even remembered how to find out what's available (Sorry it's complicated to explain). Right before we left, he asked if I was upset. I said no because there was no point in saying anything and no way I could explain it calmly.
Friday we worked until 1:30 and I knew early in the evening it was going to happen. All cases have to be done in 24 hours so we go through and find any that might be missed. He asked the trainee to send him all her cases which was a little more than 30. I knew he couldn't do that many and I asked if he thought that was a good idea and mentioned how many it would be. He said it was fine rather than having her split them up. I may have whispered to a few coworkers how this would end badly. Sure enough, around midnight he was still working on them. Because of this, we weren't allowed to pull the list of unclosed cases until midnight (because hers would be on there). So we did it around midnight and it kept us there past 1.
So that's what makes me angry. Sure enough, he didn't work today and we left at midnight. He actually came in for about an hour and I was so happy when he left. Nobody is quite sure how to handle what's going on. Friday he was also being an ass. People would ask him questions and he would basically say "Do what you want" rather than an opinion or help or a decision. I normally ask him questions because he feels better if people go to him. After this happening a couple times, I just started walking past him to ask someone else. Everyone else is doing it too. This used to happen back before he got in trouble for his attitude. They ask me or the other senior analyst. They come to my desk and walk right past him. I am a little frustrated because it slows me down at times, but I would rather they get an answer. If I can't answer, I tend to ask him on their behalf if he's being an ass because I know in the past it bothered me less to be snapped at because I got used to it when I started doing reruns.
At least I got to sleep in today and will tomorrow. Monday I have IOP and go back to sleep deprivation. I feel like things are going downhill. I want to drink. I want to stop taking my meds. I am self harming still. I binged and purged Wednesday and Thursday when I had the day off work. It's mainly getting off work too late to go to most stores or restaurants that stops me other days. I don't know if it will always stop me. I don't know what to do about everything. I am afraid if I keep talking in group he will keep mentioning inpatient, and I don't want to go back. What's the point?
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