I'm tempted to delete some old entries because I think I'm writing too much, but it probably doesn't matter.
Anyway, I texted my sponsor last night about not having talked in meetings for a couple weeks at least, so she said I had to share today.
The topic was step 6 (were entirely ready to have god remove all these defects of character), which also kinda became a discussion of anger.. probably because it's a character defect almost every alcoholic has.
I'm kinda stalled on step 4. I kept making excuses not to work on it. So I really wasn't sure what to share in the meeting.
My sponsor got there a bit late and gave me a note with the instructions to talk about where I am and what's going on in my life. It also said I had to share for 5 minutes, but I don't think I managed that.
My problem is that in meetings I tend to alternate between really scattered thoughts. I obsess over what I should say or if I should share or if I have anything on the topic. This goes around and around in my brain until I get called on (or on rare occasions volunteer) to share.
At that point, I attempt to get out whatever my brain settled on to say. This is hard sometimes because I'm not always sure what I was thinking or I'm afraid I'm not making sense. I am wondering if this a manic thing or just anxiety. According to others, I make sense when I speak, but it doesn't sound that way to me. Probably because my brain is still thinking a million things, so I'm having to ignore those and try to stay with what I started to share.
The other option is that my brain just stops. This is not specific to AA meetings. It's a habit I developed in high school, where I basically learned to dissociate in therapy or any situation where I needed to lie. Not dissociate like another personality, but just my brain shuts off and everything I say feels distant.. or just disconnected from what I was actually thinking or feeling.
It wasn't something I consciously chose to do, but the problem was that I hate lying.. still do. I'm great at it, but I feel guilty doing in. In high school (and at various other points), I felt it necessary to lie about how I was doing because I didn't want to end up in the hospital.
The problem was that eventually when I was in treatment or therapy and wanted to be honest, it still happened. Basically, when pressured to talk about feelings or certain topics (cutting, drinking, etc) come up, my brain shuts down. It's better than it was. I remember when I was in treatment for bulimia the first time, the therapist could tell when it happened. I think it's a facial expression thing.
So yeah, I managed to get out that I had been telling everyone I was fine when that was pretty much opposite of the truth.. I think I said a bit about relapsing. Then I remember looking at my sponsor and saying I didn't know what to say.. I had lost the train of thought or pretty much any thinking.. so managing to say anything else was really hard. I did manage some.. stared at the table because I couldn't look at anyone because it would make it worse. I'm not sure I even remember what I said.
My sponsor said I did ok. She said I was making sense and then I just lost whatever I was trying to talk about.
The main issue is the longer I go without talking in meetings, the more pressure they put on me to share, and the more pressure they put on me, the harder it is. My brain came back afterwards when listening to people.
I really think I need to figure out how not to do this.. I have been taught some grounding techniques, but I almost never try to use them. I mean usually I don't want to share if I'm doing poorly. But it's really annoying if I want to talk to anyone.
Saturday, August 30, 2014
Friday, August 29, 2014
Moments of clarity
This is the term my sponsor just used. I just think of them as when the sane thoughts win.
For a long time, I was so in denial about the severity of alcoholism, and in particular my alcoholism. I knew physically the drinking was bad. It reached a point where even I knew it was not "normal" to drink 10-15 shots of vodka a day.. this took ages of reading definitions online.. which generally say 2 drinks a day is normal and not everyday, and so clearly not what I was doing.
It's taken much longer to see the severity of my alcoholic thinking. It was the same with the bulimia.. it made perfect sense at some point to microwave a pint of ice cream (softer=easier to eat) because I only had a 30 minute lunch in which to finish it and purge it. That really seemed ok at the time.
The alcohol I viewed as a coping mechanism, and so drinking made sense. So it seemed ok to keep buying vodka and hiding vodka and everything else.
My sponsor told me in the beginning that if I ever had a "good idea" to call her first. This seemed weird, but it slowly made sense.
So I have had a few "good ideas" this week. The main 2 occurred yesterday. I did NOT have a good therapy appointment or psychiatrist appointment. Pretty much every time I see her, my therapist pushes the idea of moving into a sober living home, and I repeatedly explain all the ways in which I can't do it.. mainly financial.
So yesterday, I finally interrupted this argument/discussion and said I was sick of the conversation. I said there had to be other things to try, and she said there were. Then I was upset because she had been repeating the same thing and never giving an alternative. She also pointed out that I was shaking.
I went to my parents house and went through my methods of hiding the shaking. Don't try to show them something on my phone or tablet without using 2 hands or setting it down. At dinner, I kept my hands under the table. I picked up my drinking carefully with 2 hands.
So the brilliant idea was, I should start carrying a flask of vodka in my purse. Not a big one. Just enough to stop the shaking. My mind did see this as crazy because I had always prided myself on not drinking during the day when listening in meetings. Then today I reminded myself that this could get me fired from my job.
The rest not important. I texted my sponsor that I hadn't talked in meeting in at least 2 weeks and I was wanting to skip the meeting tomorrow. She says she will see me tomorrow. She commented on my realization that the flask of vodka can't end well as a moment of clarity. And she's right. For once I can see that there are no positive endings to this decision. At least none that are at all likely. So yes.. moment of clear thinking.
For a long time, I was so in denial about the severity of alcoholism, and in particular my alcoholism. I knew physically the drinking was bad. It reached a point where even I knew it was not "normal" to drink 10-15 shots of vodka a day.. this took ages of reading definitions online.. which generally say 2 drinks a day is normal and not everyday, and so clearly not what I was doing.
It's taken much longer to see the severity of my alcoholic thinking. It was the same with the bulimia.. it made perfect sense at some point to microwave a pint of ice cream (softer=easier to eat) because I only had a 30 minute lunch in which to finish it and purge it. That really seemed ok at the time.
The alcohol I viewed as a coping mechanism, and so drinking made sense. So it seemed ok to keep buying vodka and hiding vodka and everything else.
My sponsor told me in the beginning that if I ever had a "good idea" to call her first. This seemed weird, but it slowly made sense.
So I have had a few "good ideas" this week. The main 2 occurred yesterday. I did NOT have a good therapy appointment or psychiatrist appointment. Pretty much every time I see her, my therapist pushes the idea of moving into a sober living home, and I repeatedly explain all the ways in which I can't do it.. mainly financial.
So yesterday, I finally interrupted this argument/discussion and said I was sick of the conversation. I said there had to be other things to try, and she said there were. Then I was upset because she had been repeating the same thing and never giving an alternative. She also pointed out that I was shaking.
I went to my parents house and went through my methods of hiding the shaking. Don't try to show them something on my phone or tablet without using 2 hands or setting it down. At dinner, I kept my hands under the table. I picked up my drinking carefully with 2 hands.
So the brilliant idea was, I should start carrying a flask of vodka in my purse. Not a big one. Just enough to stop the shaking. My mind did see this as crazy because I had always prided myself on not drinking during the day when listening in meetings. Then today I reminded myself that this could get me fired from my job.
The rest not important. I texted my sponsor that I hadn't talked in meeting in at least 2 weeks and I was wanting to skip the meeting tomorrow. She says she will see me tomorrow. She commented on my realization that the flask of vodka can't end well as a moment of clarity. And she's right. For once I can see that there are no positive endings to this decision. At least none that are at all likely. So yes.. moment of clear thinking.
Wednesday, August 27, 2014
Accepting or challenging? how easy it is to do the wrong thing
I feel that if I a title for an entry comes really easily, I'm obviously meant to write it. Some I just write to stay in the habit of writing. I don't really talk to people much.. beyond the whole "How are you?" "Fine" interactions and therapy.
And not talking can be a bad thing for me. I can live in my own head, and my head is a dangerous place.
I got my car back today. It feels weird... I think maybe that how shifting felt before was not what it should be? It's hard never having driven any manual except my own. Anyway, my parents drove up and paid and then picked me up to go get it. They wanted to do dinner after I took my car home.
I could easily have used this whole thing as an excuse to skip AA. Especially since driving my car kinda freaked me out because I kept having trouble shifting. I got back to my apartment after dinner around 7, so I convinced myself to go to a meeting at 8.
So the topic was acceptance. I've heard people talk about it before.
To me acceptance can be good and bad. The idea in therapy is accepting things/people/situations we have no control of. Mostly for me, this is friends and family. It is also my job and my finances because I can do my best and still not get what I want. I want teaching to be easy and money to appear when I need it even if it's my fault I am stuck waiting.
I have trouble accepting situations with my friends and family. My friends I want to be able to fix. In part for their own sake, but also to change them to make my life simpler. Right now, that has to do with my two school friends B and L not getting along. B may or may not be taking her meds. L is still (and justifiably so) upset about her boyfriend's suicide. I speak to both of them, but they don't speak to each other.
This has been ok over summer, but the biology department has a seminar on Fridays where some guest speaks about whatever. I normally sat with B and L and maybe some others. Now I wonder, will I be stuck in the middle? Will each be upset I am still speaking to the other. Will I have to pick a side. I mean.. I would side with L except that I never know who is giving me the whole truth. I am dreading Friday.
My family.. is mostly fine. There have been issues in the past of my mom complaining about my dad or my brother. Or my brother is upset that my dad sides with me... general lack of communication skills. Frequently, I would like to tell them that maybe a therapist is better qualified to deal with their problems. This is not untrue. The problem is I can't make them agree, and in my family I am the sick one. I am the one who can't communicate. They have never really owned any part they play in that, and I've stopped trying.
I also however accept things in my life that I can change, or things I can at least fight.
I accept I'm an alcoholic, and that's good. I tend to accept I will die from this disease, and I don't think I'm supposed to. I think this is where I'm supposed to trust a higher power to deal with it. I am happy to just accept it because then I can keep drinking.
I accept physical consequences of drinking. The shaking is back. It's not terrible yet, but that doesn't mean it won't get worse. My memory is shit. My digestive tract is screwed up at times. I black out.. and a lot of nights cannot remember if I blacked out or if I actually was aware when I went to bed. Between the blackouts and my memory, it's hard to tell. I honestly have debated ways to tell. The biggest issue is remembering if I really did take my medication at night. If I didn't, I probably wouldn't sleep well if I missed one.. the other it's hard to tell. I try to figure it out by where things are in the morning. This is not helpful
These are things I could probably change. I could attempt to quit drinking again. I could actually call my sponsor or someone when I wanted to drink. I could call people daily. I could work the 12 steps.
I go to meetings almost everyday, and I drink in between. I go to maintain some hope. They do say (this has come up in multiple meetings) that we are defenseless against the first drink, but theoretically wanting to stop and doing those things should provide a defense.
I do in some ways want to stop drinking. I know it is making my life awful, but I also don't want to give up that coping mechanism. I do not want to deal with the unknown experience of living sober. I don't want to face stopping all my addictions and not just fearing I will switch to another. My sponsor has said she wishes she could duct tape oven mitts to my hands to stop me picking at my skin.
I know the serenity prayer (which I kinda hate) says having the courage to change the things I can. I tend to lean toward the "serenity to accept the things I cannot change" and ignore the rest or convince myself I am doing the rest. I'm guessing I should speak with my sponsor about this. Acceptance can mean many things.
And not talking can be a bad thing for me. I can live in my own head, and my head is a dangerous place.
I got my car back today. It feels weird... I think maybe that how shifting felt before was not what it should be? It's hard never having driven any manual except my own. Anyway, my parents drove up and paid and then picked me up to go get it. They wanted to do dinner after I took my car home.
I could easily have used this whole thing as an excuse to skip AA. Especially since driving my car kinda freaked me out because I kept having trouble shifting. I got back to my apartment after dinner around 7, so I convinced myself to go to a meeting at 8.
So the topic was acceptance. I've heard people talk about it before.
To me acceptance can be good and bad. The idea in therapy is accepting things/people/situations we have no control of. Mostly for me, this is friends and family. It is also my job and my finances because I can do my best and still not get what I want. I want teaching to be easy and money to appear when I need it even if it's my fault I am stuck waiting.
I have trouble accepting situations with my friends and family. My friends I want to be able to fix. In part for their own sake, but also to change them to make my life simpler. Right now, that has to do with my two school friends B and L not getting along. B may or may not be taking her meds. L is still (and justifiably so) upset about her boyfriend's suicide. I speak to both of them, but they don't speak to each other.
This has been ok over summer, but the biology department has a seminar on Fridays where some guest speaks about whatever. I normally sat with B and L and maybe some others. Now I wonder, will I be stuck in the middle? Will each be upset I am still speaking to the other. Will I have to pick a side. I mean.. I would side with L except that I never know who is giving me the whole truth. I am dreading Friday.
My family.. is mostly fine. There have been issues in the past of my mom complaining about my dad or my brother. Or my brother is upset that my dad sides with me... general lack of communication skills. Frequently, I would like to tell them that maybe a therapist is better qualified to deal with their problems. This is not untrue. The problem is I can't make them agree, and in my family I am the sick one. I am the one who can't communicate. They have never really owned any part they play in that, and I've stopped trying.
I also however accept things in my life that I can change, or things I can at least fight.
I accept I'm an alcoholic, and that's good. I tend to accept I will die from this disease, and I don't think I'm supposed to. I think this is where I'm supposed to trust a higher power to deal with it. I am happy to just accept it because then I can keep drinking.
I accept physical consequences of drinking. The shaking is back. It's not terrible yet, but that doesn't mean it won't get worse. My memory is shit. My digestive tract is screwed up at times. I black out.. and a lot of nights cannot remember if I blacked out or if I actually was aware when I went to bed. Between the blackouts and my memory, it's hard to tell. I honestly have debated ways to tell. The biggest issue is remembering if I really did take my medication at night. If I didn't, I probably wouldn't sleep well if I missed one.. the other it's hard to tell. I try to figure it out by where things are in the morning. This is not helpful
These are things I could probably change. I could attempt to quit drinking again. I could actually call my sponsor or someone when I wanted to drink. I could call people daily. I could work the 12 steps.
I go to meetings almost everyday, and I drink in between. I go to maintain some hope. They do say (this has come up in multiple meetings) that we are defenseless against the first drink, but theoretically wanting to stop and doing those things should provide a defense.
I do in some ways want to stop drinking. I know it is making my life awful, but I also don't want to give up that coping mechanism. I do not want to deal with the unknown experience of living sober. I don't want to face stopping all my addictions and not just fearing I will switch to another. My sponsor has said she wishes she could duct tape oven mitts to my hands to stop me picking at my skin.
I know the serenity prayer (which I kinda hate) says having the courage to change the things I can. I tend to lean toward the "serenity to accept the things I cannot change" and ignore the rest or convince myself I am doing the rest. I'm guessing I should speak with my sponsor about this. Acceptance can mean many things.
Tuesday, August 26, 2014
Day 2
So I didn't actually teach today, but I did go to school. I need to get into the habit of being there and getting stuff done.
Did I bitch yesterday about getting a parking ticket? I don't think I did.. I got one (it's going to be $75) for being too close to a fire hydrant. I honestly didn't notice it because I was parked by this enormous pile of sticks and plant stuff that was higher than my car and was several yards long.. anyway, it was my fault, but it did not help my bad day.
So I'm still pretty broke (will add about that in a bit), but I went ahead and paid the $70 for a parking permit so I can park on campus. I was planning too but not this soon.. still it's cheaper than ending up with more parking tickets, and I know they patrol the area because so many students park in the neighborhood around school because they don't want to pay for a parking permit. I have 2 friends like that, and they end up sometimes being parked pretty far away.
So I did that, and I managed to find a decent parking spot. Parking is terrible because there are not enough parking lots for everyone there.. you either need to be there before 9:30am, around lunchtime (when I got there today), or after around 3pm if you don't want to spend 20 minutes or more circling the various parking lots.
I did find out what's wrong with my car. It is just a cable that's broken, but the place is claiming they had to buy it from a dealership where it cost $400 rather than most I've seen online that are between 150-200. I don't know enough about cars to know if those are the right one, and it may be that they would have had to keep the car a lot longer to order one from somewhere else. So it's going to be around $700. My parents are paying and I am paying them back when I get my loans.
I did find out the reason I haven't gotten that money is that I needed to go online and do "entrance counseling" again. It's this dumb online thing that the government makes us do to basically assure we know that it's a loan and we have to pay it back and various policies. The emails I got from the government didn't really mention this. The one from the school said to do it if I hadn't already. I didn't realize/remember it was an every year thing because the other form the government requires is done every 10 years. So I did that and should hopefully get my money by the end of the week.. I can pay my rent as late as the 3rd, so I'm pretty certain I'll have it by then.
I guess none of that was really about going to school. The car and loan stuff is just stuff I found out while there.
I finally talked to my boss.. it was longer than 5 minutes but we always end up talking longer. She asked at one point how B was doing, and I mentioned she was off her meds. She asked if they should do anything such as telling B's boss (we work for different lab coordinators). I said no and that B was ok except some bad choices. I mentioned I was staying out of it because of drama. And I did tell her about the whole baby thing and she says she'll pretend she never heard that. I think she got what i meant about illogical decisions.
What she had wanted to ask me was if I thought I'd get burnt out dealing with unresponsive students. I'm not sure what she meant by unresponsive. I said I only really mind the disruptive ones and that I manage to not get very angry. She just said she wanted to ask because I have 60 students now instead of 40.
I think this question is not so much about how I treat my students because she has told me several times about students who told them how good I was and never really mentioned any complaints. I think it has to do with my tendency to self destruct during the semester. This is true.
My 1st semester I ended up in the psych ward. Since then I've waited until the semester ended to go in anywhere
Summer 2013- I went to detox twice and did 8 weeks of an outpatient program
Winter- I went to rehab for 3 weeks
Summer 2014- I managed to only end up in the hospital for a week, but that's still more than other students
She knows about the eating disorder and depression and self harm and alcoholism. She's actually very understanding. She has kids, and she tends to treat her graduate assistants like kids. She'll ask me what I've eaten. Once she told me to put on a jacket because it was cold outside. I think that's why she's been good to talk to. She was also not at all upset by the error with the student not on my roster. She asked some stuff about it and just says to email the student and ask about her schedule. She agrees it's quite possible she registered after she printed the rosters last friday. That does happen.
Other than that, I spent a few hours there working on stuff for the paper I'm writing. I made a very basic outline so I could remember what I had discussed with the professor about the topic. I have narrowed it down a lot. I also reorganized all my articles. Instead of being categorized basically as read or not read, I put them by category (I still will probably have to mark what I've read).
Don't know if I have talked about it much. This paper is basically what I write instead of doing research and writing a thesis. It's still about 50 pages long, but it's on a topic you (well you and your advisor) choose rather than your own research.
Mine is currently about viruses used for gene therapy. Basically, I've decided to compare and contrast the major used viruses: HIV and related retroviruses (there are similar viruses in other species), Herpes viruses (including Herpes simplex, cytomegalovirus, and epstein barr), and adeno-associated viruses. I know a bit about retroviruses. Cytomegalovirus is what my research was about, but there are a lot of other herpes viruses. The last she explained but I know almost nothing about.
I'm covering the things gene therapy is used for.. mostly diseases caused by an inadequate amount of some protein or cell type, diseases causing a mutated form of the protein, and actually some very interesting stuff about targeting tumors. Also, what other methods of gene therapy and how this compares to virus vectors. Then a comparison of the viruses as well as pros and cons of each for different purposes. There's also (not sure if I'll include this) techniques where instead of mutating the virus, you essentially gut it (remove its DNA) and put something else in. I think the term is pseudovirus.. I have it written down somewhere. Mainly today was reorganizing so the process should be easier.
Let me know if you'd like to hear more on the science stuff because otherwise I may not end up mentioning a lot. Gladly will include stuff I've learned if you want to hear it
I went to AA at 6 and am home now (drinking). Tomorrow I teach at 3:30 and I have to sort out picking up my car and returning my mom's car. Complicated by the fact I can't guarantee I'll be done teaching before the place closes, so my dad would have to pay and somehow arrange me picking it up. It also might be before I teach, but I'd rather deal with it after.
At least tomorrow my class is covering a lot less material than Monday classes did.
I am also trying to manage to adjust my eating for school starting. All summer my eating has been off.. I sleep late so I don't eat a normal breakfast. I go to AA in the evening, so sometimes dinner is quite later. Now I have added time spent at school, which means I should be eating a meal at school several times during the week. This has always been hard. There are 2 refrigerators I can use. One is in the research building and the other the building I teach in. The research building I can be fairly confident my food won't be taken or thrown away because really very few people know it's there. However, I would have to walk over there to get the food, and I HATE eating around other grad students or professors, so I would probably have to then take it somewhere else. The building I teach in is convenient because that's where I normally am, but a lot of students use that fridge and the microwave so I'd be nervous leaving food there. I also don't always know how long I'll end up on campus, so really I should be keeping food there for the days I'm there for 6-8 hours. Ideally though, it should not need refrigeration because then I can keep it in my locker. I welcome any suggestions. My current plan involves granola bars and pb&j sandwiches. Maybe some dried fruit.
Did I bitch yesterday about getting a parking ticket? I don't think I did.. I got one (it's going to be $75) for being too close to a fire hydrant. I honestly didn't notice it because I was parked by this enormous pile of sticks and plant stuff that was higher than my car and was several yards long.. anyway, it was my fault, but it did not help my bad day.
So I'm still pretty broke (will add about that in a bit), but I went ahead and paid the $70 for a parking permit so I can park on campus. I was planning too but not this soon.. still it's cheaper than ending up with more parking tickets, and I know they patrol the area because so many students park in the neighborhood around school because they don't want to pay for a parking permit. I have 2 friends like that, and they end up sometimes being parked pretty far away.
So I did that, and I managed to find a decent parking spot. Parking is terrible because there are not enough parking lots for everyone there.. you either need to be there before 9:30am, around lunchtime (when I got there today), or after around 3pm if you don't want to spend 20 minutes or more circling the various parking lots.
I did find out what's wrong with my car. It is just a cable that's broken, but the place is claiming they had to buy it from a dealership where it cost $400 rather than most I've seen online that are between 150-200. I don't know enough about cars to know if those are the right one, and it may be that they would have had to keep the car a lot longer to order one from somewhere else. So it's going to be around $700. My parents are paying and I am paying them back when I get my loans.
I did find out the reason I haven't gotten that money is that I needed to go online and do "entrance counseling" again. It's this dumb online thing that the government makes us do to basically assure we know that it's a loan and we have to pay it back and various policies. The emails I got from the government didn't really mention this. The one from the school said to do it if I hadn't already. I didn't realize/remember it was an every year thing because the other form the government requires is done every 10 years. So I did that and should hopefully get my money by the end of the week.. I can pay my rent as late as the 3rd, so I'm pretty certain I'll have it by then.
I guess none of that was really about going to school. The car and loan stuff is just stuff I found out while there.
I finally talked to my boss.. it was longer than 5 minutes but we always end up talking longer. She asked at one point how B was doing, and I mentioned she was off her meds. She asked if they should do anything such as telling B's boss (we work for different lab coordinators). I said no and that B was ok except some bad choices. I mentioned I was staying out of it because of drama. And I did tell her about the whole baby thing and she says she'll pretend she never heard that. I think she got what i meant about illogical decisions.
What she had wanted to ask me was if I thought I'd get burnt out dealing with unresponsive students. I'm not sure what she meant by unresponsive. I said I only really mind the disruptive ones and that I manage to not get very angry. She just said she wanted to ask because I have 60 students now instead of 40.
I think this question is not so much about how I treat my students because she has told me several times about students who told them how good I was and never really mentioned any complaints. I think it has to do with my tendency to self destruct during the semester. This is true.
My 1st semester I ended up in the psych ward. Since then I've waited until the semester ended to go in anywhere
Summer 2013- I went to detox twice and did 8 weeks of an outpatient program
Winter- I went to rehab for 3 weeks
Summer 2014- I managed to only end up in the hospital for a week, but that's still more than other students
She knows about the eating disorder and depression and self harm and alcoholism. She's actually very understanding. She has kids, and she tends to treat her graduate assistants like kids. She'll ask me what I've eaten. Once she told me to put on a jacket because it was cold outside. I think that's why she's been good to talk to. She was also not at all upset by the error with the student not on my roster. She asked some stuff about it and just says to email the student and ask about her schedule. She agrees it's quite possible she registered after she printed the rosters last friday. That does happen.
Other than that, I spent a few hours there working on stuff for the paper I'm writing. I made a very basic outline so I could remember what I had discussed with the professor about the topic. I have narrowed it down a lot. I also reorganized all my articles. Instead of being categorized basically as read or not read, I put them by category (I still will probably have to mark what I've read).
Don't know if I have talked about it much. This paper is basically what I write instead of doing research and writing a thesis. It's still about 50 pages long, but it's on a topic you (well you and your advisor) choose rather than your own research.
Mine is currently about viruses used for gene therapy. Basically, I've decided to compare and contrast the major used viruses: HIV and related retroviruses (there are similar viruses in other species), Herpes viruses (including Herpes simplex, cytomegalovirus, and epstein barr), and adeno-associated viruses. I know a bit about retroviruses. Cytomegalovirus is what my research was about, but there are a lot of other herpes viruses. The last she explained but I know almost nothing about.
I'm covering the things gene therapy is used for.. mostly diseases caused by an inadequate amount of some protein or cell type, diseases causing a mutated form of the protein, and actually some very interesting stuff about targeting tumors. Also, what other methods of gene therapy and how this compares to virus vectors. Then a comparison of the viruses as well as pros and cons of each for different purposes. There's also (not sure if I'll include this) techniques where instead of mutating the virus, you essentially gut it (remove its DNA) and put something else in. I think the term is pseudovirus.. I have it written down somewhere. Mainly today was reorganizing so the process should be easier.
Let me know if you'd like to hear more on the science stuff because otherwise I may not end up mentioning a lot. Gladly will include stuff I've learned if you want to hear it
I went to AA at 6 and am home now (drinking). Tomorrow I teach at 3:30 and I have to sort out picking up my car and returning my mom's car. Complicated by the fact I can't guarantee I'll be done teaching before the place closes, so my dad would have to pay and somehow arrange me picking it up. It also might be before I teach, but I'd rather deal with it after.
At least tomorrow my class is covering a lot less material than Monday classes did.
I am also trying to manage to adjust my eating for school starting. All summer my eating has been off.. I sleep late so I don't eat a normal breakfast. I go to AA in the evening, so sometimes dinner is quite later. Now I have added time spent at school, which means I should be eating a meal at school several times during the week. This has always been hard. There are 2 refrigerators I can use. One is in the research building and the other the building I teach in. The research building I can be fairly confident my food won't be taken or thrown away because really very few people know it's there. However, I would have to walk over there to get the food, and I HATE eating around other grad students or professors, so I would probably have to then take it somewhere else. The building I teach in is convenient because that's where I normally am, but a lot of students use that fridge and the microwave so I'd be nervous leaving food there. I also don't always know how long I'll end up on campus, so really I should be keeping food there for the days I'm there for 6-8 hours. Ideally though, it should not need refrigeration because then I can keep it in my locker. I welcome any suggestions. My current plan involves granola bars and pb&j sandwiches. Maybe some dried fruit.
Monday, August 25, 2014
School day 1
Well, I woke up around 10:30-11. Got up. Showered and managed eventually eat a peanut butter and jelly sandwich (see last post to understand this challenge). Went to school around 2pm. Parked in a non-campus spot since my mom's car has no parking permit, and I haven't actually purchased one for my car anyway.
My boss (the lab coordinator) had emailed me that she wanted to talk for 5 minutes and to text her when I got to school. I texted her.. normally she would then text me when she wasn't busy or come find me in the office I share with other graduate assistants (which is where I would probably be).
I waited a while (an hour or so) and got no text. I went by her office a few times and she wasn't there. I waited a while and when I went by (multiple times over an hour) and her door was shut. I teach at 5, so around 4:30 I went to my classroom. The previous GA (graduate assistant) was waiting for someone who had a key to lock the room (we are supposed to keep it locked so nobody takes equipment to make meth). I locked it after I went in. I don't like students being more than 15 minutes early.
I checked the room. I found the papers I needed to give them. I got a text that my boss would meet me in the classroom. She got there about 15 minutes before my class. I found out that she was there at that time to change the teaching schedule. She wanted me to go from teaching 3 sections (times) of the same lab to teaching 2 and spending 10 hours a week helping set up the lab.
This sounds like a reasonable idea except I have only once had to do the lab prep\setup during the summer, and it drove me crazy. I had a list of things to do, and I always finished it early and would email her asking what to do. She would reply at times that I had a to-do list, and I'd have to explain I finished that.
So I explained I'd rather teach 3 sections than do any prep. This was not what she wanted, but eventually decided I'd replace another GA and he would prep. He's done it before and was fine with it. Plus, I also know one semester I covered for him and his students liked me more... not a judgment on him, but we teach different.. so I was not worried about taking over that class. Eventually, this was all settled. Instead of teaching one class Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday. I teach 2 on Monday and 1 Wednesday, and this better in my opinion.
Anyone.. this was all in the 15 minutes before my class, so they were let in at the last minute. She (my boss) introduced herself and talked a bit. They had an activity to do that basically involved a quiz they worked on in groups about class policies. I had to clarify questions and explain some extra details. That eventually worked fine
I am supposed to take roll to be sure everyone should be there. I hate mispronouncing names, and there are always some I can't manage. I should have 19 students, and there were 19 there. I assumed I could just look at the names on the quizzes they turned in (not really what I am supposed to do).
Class was ok.. it is so scattered on the Monday before a holiday because it's a lot to cover. After almost 3 hours, I had covered the material but not done all activities. They took the quizzes.
After class, I checked and 1 student was missing that was on the roster. 1 was there who was not on my roster... this can mean someone was in the wrong place, or that someone dropped or registered at the last minute. This is my mistake, and I will deal with it tomorrow.
I was exhausted after all this. Normally, teaching one class isn't bad.. it's the combination of teaching 2 weeks of material in one week plus sitting around waiting to talk to my boss. I got done around 7:40pm and had told my sponsor I'd be at the 8pm meeting. So I went to the meeting, but I hadn't eaten since before noon so I was starving and a bit nauseous from not eating. I had a bottle of water and some of the peanut butter crackers in my purse during the meeting. I was embarrassed to have anyone really notice I was eating so this all amounted to a pb&j sandwich around 11am and 3 crackers with peanut butter at 8pm
This was annoying because after a while of not eating, no food sounds good except some snack things like popsicles. I had to go to the grocery store. I bought diet soda and some flavored sparkling water I use as a chaser for the vodka. No actual dinner sounded good. I bought one frozen meal hoping it would be ok.
I got home at almost 10pm. The frozen meal did not sound good. I had bought chocolate milk, and I had that since it sounded ok. I could not bring myself to eat what I bought but managed to eat something I had in the freezer.
I waited until after that to drink the vodka I had because I had to have something in my stomach to drink and not vomit. I have magaged 16 shots + a frozen meal + an ice cream sandwich + some candy. The candy and ice cream were things that sounded ok and that helped the nausea between shots.
I have more to say but not energy tonight. I will say more after tomorrow.
My boss (the lab coordinator) had emailed me that she wanted to talk for 5 minutes and to text her when I got to school. I texted her.. normally she would then text me when she wasn't busy or come find me in the office I share with other graduate assistants (which is where I would probably be).
I waited a while (an hour or so) and got no text. I went by her office a few times and she wasn't there. I waited a while and when I went by (multiple times over an hour) and her door was shut. I teach at 5, so around 4:30 I went to my classroom. The previous GA (graduate assistant) was waiting for someone who had a key to lock the room (we are supposed to keep it locked so nobody takes equipment to make meth). I locked it after I went in. I don't like students being more than 15 minutes early.
I checked the room. I found the papers I needed to give them. I got a text that my boss would meet me in the classroom. She got there about 15 minutes before my class. I found out that she was there at that time to change the teaching schedule. She wanted me to go from teaching 3 sections (times) of the same lab to teaching 2 and spending 10 hours a week helping set up the lab.
This sounds like a reasonable idea except I have only once had to do the lab prep\setup during the summer, and it drove me crazy. I had a list of things to do, and I always finished it early and would email her asking what to do. She would reply at times that I had a to-do list, and I'd have to explain I finished that.
So I explained I'd rather teach 3 sections than do any prep. This was not what she wanted, but eventually decided I'd replace another GA and he would prep. He's done it before and was fine with it. Plus, I also know one semester I covered for him and his students liked me more... not a judgment on him, but we teach different.. so I was not worried about taking over that class. Eventually, this was all settled. Instead of teaching one class Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday. I teach 2 on Monday and 1 Wednesday, and this better in my opinion.
Anyone.. this was all in the 15 minutes before my class, so they were let in at the last minute. She (my boss) introduced herself and talked a bit. They had an activity to do that basically involved a quiz they worked on in groups about class policies. I had to clarify questions and explain some extra details. That eventually worked fine
I am supposed to take roll to be sure everyone should be there. I hate mispronouncing names, and there are always some I can't manage. I should have 19 students, and there were 19 there. I assumed I could just look at the names on the quizzes they turned in (not really what I am supposed to do).
Class was ok.. it is so scattered on the Monday before a holiday because it's a lot to cover. After almost 3 hours, I had covered the material but not done all activities. They took the quizzes.
After class, I checked and 1 student was missing that was on the roster. 1 was there who was not on my roster... this can mean someone was in the wrong place, or that someone dropped or registered at the last minute. This is my mistake, and I will deal with it tomorrow.
I was exhausted after all this. Normally, teaching one class isn't bad.. it's the combination of teaching 2 weeks of material in one week plus sitting around waiting to talk to my boss. I got done around 7:40pm and had told my sponsor I'd be at the 8pm meeting. So I went to the meeting, but I hadn't eaten since before noon so I was starving and a bit nauseous from not eating. I had a bottle of water and some of the peanut butter crackers in my purse during the meeting. I was embarrassed to have anyone really notice I was eating so this all amounted to a pb&j sandwich around 11am and 3 crackers with peanut butter at 8pm
This was annoying because after a while of not eating, no food sounds good except some snack things like popsicles. I had to go to the grocery store. I bought diet soda and some flavored sparkling water I use as a chaser for the vodka. No actual dinner sounded good. I bought one frozen meal hoping it would be ok.
I got home at almost 10pm. The frozen meal did not sound good. I had bought chocolate milk, and I had that since it sounded ok. I could not bring myself to eat what I bought but managed to eat something I had in the freezer.
I waited until after that to drink the vodka I had because I had to have something in my stomach to drink and not vomit. I have magaged 16 shots + a frozen meal + an ice cream sandwich + some candy. The candy and ice cream were things that sounded ok and that helped the nausea between shots.
I have more to say but not energy tonight. I will say more after tomorrow.
Anxious
Sitting here anxious for a variety of reasons.
1. The simplest reason is that I start teaching today, which always makes me anxious. It's ridiculous because I have taught this course 5 times and have never been criticized by my boss. Actually, it's annoying that because she likes me so much, she tends to give me extra work even though I am not paid more than anyone else.
2. My car is messed up. Not sure the exact problem. This may not make sense if you've never driven a car with a manual transmission. I went to my sponsor's house yesterday and it was perfectly fine on the way there. I go to leave and manage to reverse a little and drive a bit intending to make a u-turn. I go to shift into reverse, and it won't. After that, I could move the gearshift in all directions, but it was clearly not actually going into any gear (if you haven't driven a manual, there are not visible markings of the 5 gears, but you can feel them). I turned the car off and restarted it, same thing. After doing that a couple times, I was able to get it to at least shift into first and second, so I managed to pull over to the side of the road where I could park the car. Basically, it would let me shift into 1st, 2nd, and I think 3rd and 4th, but not 5th or reverse. The gearshift would not move further right.
I sat for a bit and then called my Dad. I tried explaining this, which was a bit difficult since he couldn't see it. It was decided that I could walk home (5 minute walk) and my parents would call me again. They decided to both drive to my apartment (about an hour away) in both their cars, so my mom could leave hers with me to drive to school until mine is fixed. Today my dad is coming and we're getting the car towed to a repair place. I am really hoping it isn't an expensive repair. I looked online, and it sounds like there's a connection between the clutch and transmission that's not working. The question then would be how hard it is to replace. It's obviously not the clutch, since I could shift gears and drive some. It's not the actual transmission for the same reason. I am so clueless about cars
Update: car is at transmission place. Now just waiting to find out what they say
3. Since my dad is coming, I am stuck at home waiting.. and I need (well, want) to go to the liquor store because I don't know if I'll be able to after I teach because I told my sponsor I'd go to the 8pm meeting. My class is scheduled 5pm-7:50. It probably won't take that long, but next monday is a holiday (labor day), so we have to cover 2 weeks worth of material.. which is not a lot, but it gets complicated trying to get it all done, and my brain gets kinda scattered doing this. Somehow, I've ended up with Monday labs several times, and in either fall or spring semesters, the 2nd monday is a holiday (in spring I think it's memorial day)
Update: I have vodka
4. I don't feel well. I'm not sure why... it's either my allergies and if I'm not taking anything for them I get nauseous. Or it's from drinking last night, which normally doesn't make me sick in the morning. Sometimes my blood sugar also gets low in the morning.. or at least that's what I assume explains this, and if I don't eat by a certain time I start feeling sick. Then it's annoying because eating should theoretically fix this, but eating is hard to manage.
Anyway, I had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. I still feel nauseous. I am really hoping it doesn't get worse. I took some nausea medicine, and it didn't help. Honestly it rarely does because it has a really strong cherry flavor, and strong flavors are not great for nausea. I also have some prescription nausea medicine (also has a gross flavor), but I am avoiding that because I don't have a lot of it. Actually, I'll probably take it because I really don't want to throw up and have to eat again. It took me a long time to manage the sandwich.
Update: Stopped at the pharmacy and got allergy medication on the way home from the liquor store
5. Only a tiny bit anxious, but my boss sent me an email that if I get to school before 5, she wants to talk to me for a few minutes. I think it's just because I did email her some questions on what order to teach things in today. I just always get anxious when she wants to talk to me.
There's probably other reasons I'm not thinking of. I'm sitting around for a bit and will probably go to school around 3. I need to make copies and set up the classroom (well mostly write stuff on the chalkboard and make sure the computer and projector are working), which I always do super early because it makes me less anxious than if I do it right before class
1. The simplest reason is that I start teaching today, which always makes me anxious. It's ridiculous because I have taught this course 5 times and have never been criticized by my boss. Actually, it's annoying that because she likes me so much, she tends to give me extra work even though I am not paid more than anyone else.
2. My car is messed up. Not sure the exact problem. This may not make sense if you've never driven a car with a manual transmission. I went to my sponsor's house yesterday and it was perfectly fine on the way there. I go to leave and manage to reverse a little and drive a bit intending to make a u-turn. I go to shift into reverse, and it won't. After that, I could move the gearshift in all directions, but it was clearly not actually going into any gear (if you haven't driven a manual, there are not visible markings of the 5 gears, but you can feel them). I turned the car off and restarted it, same thing. After doing that a couple times, I was able to get it to at least shift into first and second, so I managed to pull over to the side of the road where I could park the car. Basically, it would let me shift into 1st, 2nd, and I think 3rd and 4th, but not 5th or reverse. The gearshift would not move further right.
I sat for a bit and then called my Dad. I tried explaining this, which was a bit difficult since he couldn't see it. It was decided that I could walk home (5 minute walk) and my parents would call me again. They decided to both drive to my apartment (about an hour away) in both their cars, so my mom could leave hers with me to drive to school until mine is fixed. Today my dad is coming and we're getting the car towed to a repair place. I am really hoping it isn't an expensive repair. I looked online, and it sounds like there's a connection between the clutch and transmission that's not working. The question then would be how hard it is to replace. It's obviously not the clutch, since I could shift gears and drive some. It's not the actual transmission for the same reason. I am so clueless about cars
Update: car is at transmission place. Now just waiting to find out what they say
3. Since my dad is coming, I am stuck at home waiting.. and I need (well, want) to go to the liquor store because I don't know if I'll be able to after I teach because I told my sponsor I'd go to the 8pm meeting. My class is scheduled 5pm-7:50. It probably won't take that long, but next monday is a holiday (labor day), so we have to cover 2 weeks worth of material.. which is not a lot, but it gets complicated trying to get it all done, and my brain gets kinda scattered doing this. Somehow, I've ended up with Monday labs several times, and in either fall or spring semesters, the 2nd monday is a holiday (in spring I think it's memorial day)
Update: I have vodka
4. I don't feel well. I'm not sure why... it's either my allergies and if I'm not taking anything for them I get nauseous. Or it's from drinking last night, which normally doesn't make me sick in the morning. Sometimes my blood sugar also gets low in the morning.. or at least that's what I assume explains this, and if I don't eat by a certain time I start feeling sick. Then it's annoying because eating should theoretically fix this, but eating is hard to manage.
Anyway, I had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. I still feel nauseous. I am really hoping it doesn't get worse. I took some nausea medicine, and it didn't help. Honestly it rarely does because it has a really strong cherry flavor, and strong flavors are not great for nausea. I also have some prescription nausea medicine (also has a gross flavor), but I am avoiding that because I don't have a lot of it. Actually, I'll probably take it because I really don't want to throw up and have to eat again. It took me a long time to manage the sandwich.
Update: Stopped at the pharmacy and got allergy medication on the way home from the liquor store
5. Only a tiny bit anxious, but my boss sent me an email that if I get to school before 5, she wants to talk to me for a few minutes. I think it's just because I did email her some questions on what order to teach things in today. I just always get anxious when she wants to talk to me.
There's probably other reasons I'm not thinking of. I'm sitting around for a bit and will probably go to school around 3. I need to make copies and set up the classroom (well mostly write stuff on the chalkboard and make sure the computer and projector are working), which I always do super early because it makes me less anxious than if I do it right before class
Wednesday, August 20, 2014
Don't even know anymore
The past couple days.. I've gone to AA. I've tried to listen. When my sponsor or anyone ask how I'm doing, I saw I'm ok. That can be interpreted all sorts of things. I mean, I am not desperately bad (mostly what i mean). I am not happy but not terribly sad. Just numb. Just lost.
I don't know how to deal with questions. When she asks what's going on, I shrug. We both know I've been drinking. I have been honest about that. I don't lie if asked. Well, if asked by the people I trust. There's some in AA I will always just say I'm ok. I just don't know them well enough or like them enough to tell them things and start a real conversation.
I got there today, and she showed up right as the meeting was starting. She asked if I wanted to go talk. I said yes. Not sure why.. actually I have been very lonely. I have been a bit jealous that she spends more time with others she sponsors. In reality, I know it's because she can't do much for me. I come to meetings. I listen. I occasionally speak. I go home and drink.
Anyway, we went into another room but there was another woman there who was upset, so we sat and listened to her for a while.
When the woman was gone, I talked some.. I had managed not to buy more vodka so far today. I talked about school and being afraid of going back.. both of it triggering thoughts of drinking and of being found out. I can't hide the drinking if it gets bad again. We talked about my medication and that maybe this might also be that.. and that drinking on meds makes them pretty useless. She also said she never blacked out as much until she drank on antidepressants, and I know that's part of why I never remember everything that happens after I start drinking. I do see my doctor next week.
I tried explaining how some days start fine. I feel relatively good. I make plans with people. Then in the afternoon, it all falls apart. All I want is to go home and drink and cry. I go from wanting to talk to people to being unable to even text them. I think some of it is I become aware that I could be drinking.. that it's late enough. Or I'm aware that I just don't have energy for people.
The motivation changes.. from wanting to be sober to desperately wanting a drink and to shut down. The problem is that I will buy the vodka before this all happens just in case I am unable to later. I buy it so I can stay for the 8pm meeting and not worry about the liquor stores being closed after. I think I can just throw it out when I get home, when I know that's never going to happen.
I feel like I need some sort of help.. but it's too late for rehab now. School starts on Monday. I am still going to AA even if it feels hopeless. I am starting work on my 4th step again now that she told me what to do next. I am going through the motions hoping the motivation comes. I feel like quitting AA would lead to an out of control spiral that I only see ending in death. Either alcohol poisoning or suicide. If I don't have these people, I only see things getting worse.
They say the result is jails, institutions, or death.. and I'm guessing it would be one of the last 2. Right now, I at least see people who have hope and sobriety. I don't believe it will happen for me, but somehow it helps me hold on.
They all say they love me, and it hurts like hell to hear that. I know they're not lying. A while ago there was a meeting where someone was talking about there being people you will literally love to death.. you love them as they die. I saw myself in that. Ever since I've wondered if I would be one of the ones whose funeral they attend.
Sorry for the depressing post. My mind is in a dark place tonight.
I don't know how to deal with questions. When she asks what's going on, I shrug. We both know I've been drinking. I have been honest about that. I don't lie if asked. Well, if asked by the people I trust. There's some in AA I will always just say I'm ok. I just don't know them well enough or like them enough to tell them things and start a real conversation.
I got there today, and she showed up right as the meeting was starting. She asked if I wanted to go talk. I said yes. Not sure why.. actually I have been very lonely. I have been a bit jealous that she spends more time with others she sponsors. In reality, I know it's because she can't do much for me. I come to meetings. I listen. I occasionally speak. I go home and drink.
Anyway, we went into another room but there was another woman there who was upset, so we sat and listened to her for a while.
When the woman was gone, I talked some.. I had managed not to buy more vodka so far today. I talked about school and being afraid of going back.. both of it triggering thoughts of drinking and of being found out. I can't hide the drinking if it gets bad again. We talked about my medication and that maybe this might also be that.. and that drinking on meds makes them pretty useless. She also said she never blacked out as much until she drank on antidepressants, and I know that's part of why I never remember everything that happens after I start drinking. I do see my doctor next week.
I tried explaining how some days start fine. I feel relatively good. I make plans with people. Then in the afternoon, it all falls apart. All I want is to go home and drink and cry. I go from wanting to talk to people to being unable to even text them. I think some of it is I become aware that I could be drinking.. that it's late enough. Or I'm aware that I just don't have energy for people.
The motivation changes.. from wanting to be sober to desperately wanting a drink and to shut down. The problem is that I will buy the vodka before this all happens just in case I am unable to later. I buy it so I can stay for the 8pm meeting and not worry about the liquor stores being closed after. I think I can just throw it out when I get home, when I know that's never going to happen.
I feel like I need some sort of help.. but it's too late for rehab now. School starts on Monday. I am still going to AA even if it feels hopeless. I am starting work on my 4th step again now that she told me what to do next. I am going through the motions hoping the motivation comes. I feel like quitting AA would lead to an out of control spiral that I only see ending in death. Either alcohol poisoning or suicide. If I don't have these people, I only see things getting worse.
They say the result is jails, institutions, or death.. and I'm guessing it would be one of the last 2. Right now, I at least see people who have hope and sobriety. I don't believe it will happen for me, but somehow it helps me hold on.
They all say they love me, and it hurts like hell to hear that. I know they're not lying. A while ago there was a meeting where someone was talking about there being people you will literally love to death.. you love them as they die. I saw myself in that. Ever since I've wondered if I would be one of the ones whose funeral they attend.
Sorry for the depressing post. My mind is in a dark place tonight.
Monday, August 18, 2014
School finally got their shit together
So admittedly a lot of what's happened with the school financial aid was my fault for waiting so late to email about what was going on. I don't agree with the suspension reasons and that but anyway
I got an email a bit before 6 about the payment deadline being tomorrow, and I freaked out a bit. I was sitting at AA and trying to look up everything on my phone. My emergency loan wasn't there. It wouldn't let me do a payment plan. I re-applied for the emergency loan, and then just in case checked the financial aid award link... and it was there. Loans for both fall and spring, and a grant (money I don't have to pay back) for some of it.
I was really happy. I didn't think it would be done that fast. I had emailed the financial aid office this afternoon, but didn't get a response.
This was great because I had applied at a couple places for private loans and been denied. I looked and my credit score is "fair" so it must not be good enough for loans. But it's fine because this is better.
Things are still rough. I wanted to go to church yesterday, but it was raining heavy and the highway was flooded at several places. There was one exit where a van was stuck with water halfway up the doors. It was terrifying. I gave up because I was only halfway there by the time church would start. I parked in some random parking lot and decided to just go to my parents house. The rain wasn't as bad there.
I was feeling really suicidal yesterday. I forgot my meds in the morning.. so not sure if it was that or the driving or the fact I drank Saturday. Or who knows what. Today was a bit better. I'm still drinking tonight.. but the depression is a bit better.
I am having lunch with B tomorrow despite my sponsor's advice. I am hoping that because our schedules are different and with me going to AA, I won't have to see her a lot at school. I want to be friends with B and L but I need to make boundaries this semester. I really do want to stay sane and stop drinking or at least not spiral down. That does require not taking on anyone else's problems. I definitely have enough of my own.
I got an email a bit before 6 about the payment deadline being tomorrow, and I freaked out a bit. I was sitting at AA and trying to look up everything on my phone. My emergency loan wasn't there. It wouldn't let me do a payment plan. I re-applied for the emergency loan, and then just in case checked the financial aid award link... and it was there. Loans for both fall and spring, and a grant (money I don't have to pay back) for some of it.
I was really happy. I didn't think it would be done that fast. I had emailed the financial aid office this afternoon, but didn't get a response.
This was great because I had applied at a couple places for private loans and been denied. I looked and my credit score is "fair" so it must not be good enough for loans. But it's fine because this is better.
Things are still rough. I wanted to go to church yesterday, but it was raining heavy and the highway was flooded at several places. There was one exit where a van was stuck with water halfway up the doors. It was terrifying. I gave up because I was only halfway there by the time church would start. I parked in some random parking lot and decided to just go to my parents house. The rain wasn't as bad there.
I was feeling really suicidal yesterday. I forgot my meds in the morning.. so not sure if it was that or the driving or the fact I drank Saturday. Or who knows what. Today was a bit better. I'm still drinking tonight.. but the depression is a bit better.
I am having lunch with B tomorrow despite my sponsor's advice. I am hoping that because our schedules are different and with me going to AA, I won't have to see her a lot at school. I want to be friends with B and L but I need to make boundaries this semester. I really do want to stay sane and stop drinking or at least not spiral down. That does require not taking on anyone else's problems. I definitely have enough of my own.
Saturday, August 16, 2014
Not such a hopeful update
"cause I had an angel's face and twice the devil's thirst"
I've been listening to The Town Pants in the car lately.. specifically the album 'Shore Leave'.. and I'm pretty sure almost every song involves drinking (think modern irish drinking songs). This is a line from the song "The Unlikely Redemption of Oliver Reed"
http://www.thetownpants.com/listen/s/the_unlikely_redemption_of_oliver_reed
Not sure why.. but I end up fixated on that line. For some reason, it just sounds like me. Nobody at school suspects I have a drinking problem until I tell them. Some see depression. Some just see that something is wrong, but nobody suspects I'm an alcoholic. Even those that know never suspected I drank as much as I did/do. That's the angel face part.. people always seem to trust me. I don't make friends easily because I'm a bit of an introvert, but it does seem people just like me. It's true of several professors at school.
And yet, I don't know what the devil drinks, but I'm probably not far off. I saw this thing on facebook that was lethal amounts of everyday chemicals.. water they claim 6 liters, don't remember for coffee, but for alcohol they say 13 shots. I guess for a first time drinker, but I managed months of drinking more than that everyday. Only recently have I had my blood tests be a bit off. Before, my liver tested fine. My digestive system hated me, but that's about it.
Anyway.. rambling. I'm not doing so well.. I have used the stress this week as an excuse to drink. I know in AA they say we drink because we want to, and that's true.. but since I started going to AA so much.. I am torn between wanting and not wanting, and I can justify choosing the wanting side by these excuses.
The first was L's boyfriend's suicide.. which triggered a lot of thoughts that coincided with a bad depression.
Then shit at school got weird. I had problems getting financial aid.. Friday that all got fixed. It was actually quite amazing. I went to school to see the head of the biology department. She kinda re-explained the situation and did say I had taken a lot of classes. I basically said i should have stopped research sooner and maybe I could have been done sooner. She said she'd write the appeal letter. She also said she had appealed to the graduate school to let me register for 3 hours (equivalent to one class) instead of 6 (2 classes) because they wanted me to teach extra.
I left and went shopping.. this is my way of avoiding my apartment. I honestly spent very little money, but I went a bunch of places. I went to one craft store because I've been wanting to do metal stamped jewelry and have had trouble finding the metal blanks (I'll post pictures when I make something). Then Target to look for coloring books. Also went to another craft store and the grocery store.
At the 1st craft store, I got the email that the graduate school let me take 3 hours. I also got a copy of the letter sent to appeal the financial aid decision. She actually lied a bit in it, but I don't care. The question that then came up was if I could get financial aid only registering for 3 hours.
At Target, I got another email that said I can because of what I registered for. So in just a few hours it was all mostly sorted out.. time is still an issue, but at least I know I can get normal federal student loans (much lower interest rate than private plus there are more reasonable repayment options).
And yet, I wanted to drink. I called my sponsor. I mentioned I did have vodka in my freezer. She said if I still had it I was just procrastinating when I would drink it.. I don't think she realized i wasn't at home. I did go to a meeting after that. Then another meeting. Then I decided to get rid of the vodka. Then I got something to eat with a friend from AA. Then we went to a 3rd meeting. I may bitch a bit about some of what went on at my home group after the 1st meeting. The 3rd was funny because it's a candlelight meeting and apparently me and my friend shouldn't be around candles. Near us were 3 tealight candles. 2 were barely burning, so I put them out by just touching the flame. Then I started playing passing my finger through the other flame (it doesn't burn if you do it fast). My friend made a sign for me to stop, so I moved the candles. Then she did the same thing.. and we couldn't stop laughing. My sponsor looked at us like we were crazy. I decided to get rid of the vodka
So I took a friend with me and poured out the vodka. Didn't throw the bottle away because we have a craft idea for ithttp://www.picklee.com/2012/05/16/breaking-bottle/ My friend thinks this sounds awesome. My sponsor had this shocked/disapproving/mom expression when I explained it. We said I am not qualified to play with fire. She also asked about safety because we're not smart enough to mess up our faces (yes that's a bit insulting)
Today I went to my usual woman's meeting.. I ended up talking about B and L.. and equated this to playing with fire. L because she thought it appropriate to ask for my support the day I got out of the hospital. B wants to do lunch, but I have no idea if she's on her meds. Lunch would be fine, but I had don't know if this will just lead into the same codependent fucked up friendship we had before. It was a good meeting.
I hung around after and my sponsor and my grand-sponsor told me a sort of metaphor for sponsorship. When you are teaching a baby to walk, you hold out your hands and tell them to come to you. If they fall, you don't tell them that they can't walk and should just crawl (except with more swear words). You just keep holding out your hands. Even now this makes me want to cry. My sponsor said she'd never tell me to just crawl.
I stayed around a while, and the depression sank in. I don't know if this is a bipolar thing or a sobriety thing.. but my friend kept asking if I wanted to do stuff.. including: fishing, organizing craft supplies, the bottle craft, going to eat, and some other stuff. I said no to all of it and eventually said I just wanted to go home. I was crying at that point. We went outside and she said she knows the pain I am going through, she knows the brave face I put on.. she talked about knowing this self hatred and basically was spot on about all of it. I just cried.
I mentioned how my sponsor said friday that maybe I'm just not done drinking. I said maybe I just shouldn't keep coming to meetings maybe I shouldn't have a sponsor. It all led up to how much I hate people caring about me, how much I hate that they see past the brave face.
I got in my car and texted my sponsor that maybe she was right about not being ready. She texted to not use that excuse to drink and there was another meeting in less than an hour. I basically said I couldn't be in that room and be around people. I didn't know if I would drink, but I drove to the liquor store.
In the parking lot, I prayed.. then I bought vodka. then I prayed again. I still went home and drank. I just couldn't do it.
I only bought one bottle of vodka. Only enough for tonight. So tomorrow we'll see.
I hate myself
I hate my life
I hate being cared about or loved
I hate caring about people enough to keep existing
I hate drinking
I hate being sober
I hate being alone
I hate being with people
I realized maybe this week is not just a mess because of drinking. I realized maybe it's the bipolar? Maybe I am cycling from normalcy to depression. Maybe that is making everything fucked up. I see my psychiatrist is 2 weeks. I am hoping he believes this diagnosis and maybe has some idea to help. But for him to be willing to help, I probably need to be sober. I don't know. I don't know.
To end on another Town Pants lyric
"lying down in this bed that I made, I'm afraid of feeling good"
I've been listening to The Town Pants in the car lately.. specifically the album 'Shore Leave'.. and I'm pretty sure almost every song involves drinking (think modern irish drinking songs). This is a line from the song "The Unlikely Redemption of Oliver Reed"
http://www.thetownpants.com/listen/s/the_unlikely_redemption_of_oliver_reed
Not sure why.. but I end up fixated on that line. For some reason, it just sounds like me. Nobody at school suspects I have a drinking problem until I tell them. Some see depression. Some just see that something is wrong, but nobody suspects I'm an alcoholic. Even those that know never suspected I drank as much as I did/do. That's the angel face part.. people always seem to trust me. I don't make friends easily because I'm a bit of an introvert, but it does seem people just like me. It's true of several professors at school.
And yet, I don't know what the devil drinks, but I'm probably not far off. I saw this thing on facebook that was lethal amounts of everyday chemicals.. water they claim 6 liters, don't remember for coffee, but for alcohol they say 13 shots. I guess for a first time drinker, but I managed months of drinking more than that everyday. Only recently have I had my blood tests be a bit off. Before, my liver tested fine. My digestive system hated me, but that's about it.
Anyway.. rambling. I'm not doing so well.. I have used the stress this week as an excuse to drink. I know in AA they say we drink because we want to, and that's true.. but since I started going to AA so much.. I am torn between wanting and not wanting, and I can justify choosing the wanting side by these excuses.
The first was L's boyfriend's suicide.. which triggered a lot of thoughts that coincided with a bad depression.
Then shit at school got weird. I had problems getting financial aid.. Friday that all got fixed. It was actually quite amazing. I went to school to see the head of the biology department. She kinda re-explained the situation and did say I had taken a lot of classes. I basically said i should have stopped research sooner and maybe I could have been done sooner. She said she'd write the appeal letter. She also said she had appealed to the graduate school to let me register for 3 hours (equivalent to one class) instead of 6 (2 classes) because they wanted me to teach extra.
I left and went shopping.. this is my way of avoiding my apartment. I honestly spent very little money, but I went a bunch of places. I went to one craft store because I've been wanting to do metal stamped jewelry and have had trouble finding the metal blanks (I'll post pictures when I make something). Then Target to look for coloring books. Also went to another craft store and the grocery store.
At the 1st craft store, I got the email that the graduate school let me take 3 hours. I also got a copy of the letter sent to appeal the financial aid decision. She actually lied a bit in it, but I don't care. The question that then came up was if I could get financial aid only registering for 3 hours.
At Target, I got another email that said I can because of what I registered for. So in just a few hours it was all mostly sorted out.. time is still an issue, but at least I know I can get normal federal student loans (much lower interest rate than private plus there are more reasonable repayment options).
And yet, I wanted to drink. I called my sponsor. I mentioned I did have vodka in my freezer. She said if I still had it I was just procrastinating when I would drink it.. I don't think she realized i wasn't at home. I did go to a meeting after that. Then another meeting. Then I decided to get rid of the vodka. Then I got something to eat with a friend from AA. Then we went to a 3rd meeting. I may bitch a bit about some of what went on at my home group after the 1st meeting. The 3rd was funny because it's a candlelight meeting and apparently me and my friend shouldn't be around candles. Near us were 3 tealight candles. 2 were barely burning, so I put them out by just touching the flame. Then I started playing passing my finger through the other flame (it doesn't burn if you do it fast). My friend made a sign for me to stop, so I moved the candles. Then she did the same thing.. and we couldn't stop laughing. My sponsor looked at us like we were crazy. I decided to get rid of the vodka
So I took a friend with me and poured out the vodka. Didn't throw the bottle away because we have a craft idea for ithttp://www.picklee.com/2012/05/16/breaking-bottle/ My friend thinks this sounds awesome. My sponsor had this shocked/disapproving/mom expression when I explained it. We said I am not qualified to play with fire. She also asked about safety because we're not smart enough to mess up our faces (yes that's a bit insulting)
Today I went to my usual woman's meeting.. I ended up talking about B and L.. and equated this to playing with fire. L because she thought it appropriate to ask for my support the day I got out of the hospital. B wants to do lunch, but I have no idea if she's on her meds. Lunch would be fine, but I had don't know if this will just lead into the same codependent fucked up friendship we had before. It was a good meeting.
I hung around after and my sponsor and my grand-sponsor told me a sort of metaphor for sponsorship. When you are teaching a baby to walk, you hold out your hands and tell them to come to you. If they fall, you don't tell them that they can't walk and should just crawl (except with more swear words). You just keep holding out your hands. Even now this makes me want to cry. My sponsor said she'd never tell me to just crawl.
I stayed around a while, and the depression sank in. I don't know if this is a bipolar thing or a sobriety thing.. but my friend kept asking if I wanted to do stuff.. including: fishing, organizing craft supplies, the bottle craft, going to eat, and some other stuff. I said no to all of it and eventually said I just wanted to go home. I was crying at that point. We went outside and she said she knows the pain I am going through, she knows the brave face I put on.. she talked about knowing this self hatred and basically was spot on about all of it. I just cried.
I mentioned how my sponsor said friday that maybe I'm just not done drinking. I said maybe I just shouldn't keep coming to meetings maybe I shouldn't have a sponsor. It all led up to how much I hate people caring about me, how much I hate that they see past the brave face.
I got in my car and texted my sponsor that maybe she was right about not being ready. She texted to not use that excuse to drink and there was another meeting in less than an hour. I basically said I couldn't be in that room and be around people. I didn't know if I would drink, but I drove to the liquor store.
In the parking lot, I prayed.. then I bought vodka. then I prayed again. I still went home and drank. I just couldn't do it.
I only bought one bottle of vodka. Only enough for tonight. So tomorrow we'll see.
I hate myself
I hate my life
I hate being cared about or loved
I hate caring about people enough to keep existing
I hate drinking
I hate being sober
I hate being alone
I hate being with people
I realized maybe this week is not just a mess because of drinking. I realized maybe it's the bipolar? Maybe I am cycling from normalcy to depression. Maybe that is making everything fucked up. I see my psychiatrist is 2 weeks. I am hoping he believes this diagnosis and maybe has some idea to help. But for him to be willing to help, I probably need to be sober. I don't know. I don't know.
To end on another Town Pants lyric
"lying down in this bed that I made, I'm afraid of feeling good"
Thursday, August 14, 2014
More stress
So on top of L's boyfriend's suicide.. I have to cope with more stress.
I am registered for classes. I am scheduled to teach 3 labs. Normally, graduate students are only allowed to teach 2, but I guess they really needed me this semester. I'm happy because it is more money, and really since it's the same class it's not much extra work. I've been teaching the same thing since I started in 2011, so I have the lecture material prepared. I have multiple quizzes and exams to adapt (I know I should avoid giving identical quizzes/exams that I gave in the past)
The issue I'm dealing with is strange. It has to do with student loans. This may all be a bit hard to understand for readers outside the USA
For school, unless you have a scholarship (that pays tuition without having to be repaid) you either pay tuition or have to take out student loans. These loans do not have to be repaid until after you graduate. I am not sure what the requirements, but these can either be subsidized (you don't pay interest) or unsubsidized (you pay interest). These are federal loans, so they are regulated I guess by the government. The amount you receive is based both on your school's expense and your income.
Well, there is a maximum for this type of loan, which I have not reached. The first 3 years of my bachelors degree was paid by a scholarship, so only 3 semesters were loans. Actually, loans paid less than my actual tuition, so I had to pay the extra with what I earned working.
Now, I am on "financial aid suspension" because I have taken too many courses/hours. I guess the maximum is 150 hours. Each course ranges from 3-4hours. I had 134 hours for my bachelors degree. This is actually excessive because 1) I had to register for enough hours to receive my scholarship 2) It is possible to take classes in highschool that create credit in college.. so I did have extra hours that would not be an issue if I only finished that degree.
Then I decided to go back for my masters degree, and I guess it became complicated. I had received some emails about "academic progress" that I thought were just normal.. so I paid no attention. They mostly mentioned grades, so I didn't notice the part about hours. Well, I emailed the financial aid department recently about why I hadn't head about loans. That was when I was told about being on suspension. I went back and saw this was in their last email, and I hadn't read it enough to see it wasn't a warning.
I am annoyed because 1) this is really about the university I got my bachelors degree at 2) most of those hours were not paid by student loans 3) I have taken the very minimum required while working on my masters.
Anyway, I can appeal the suspension. The stuff I have read says that the head of the department can also appeal and state the number of hours required to complete my degree. This is either 9 or 12. I am taking one course virology (3 hours) and then 3 hours for the paper I'm writing. I need these 6 hours to teach. In the spring semester, I need to register for 3 hours if I'm completing my paper.
I am sure the department will be willing to appeal. It's the timing that's stressful. It is likely the appeal will take several weeks, so I must find a way to pay tuition and living expenses until then.
so yes. STRESS. I should have realized the problem earlier if I had really read the email they sent, but now I have to deal with it at the last minute. I have the option of applying for loans through a bank.. these loans do not have to be paid until after graduation, but the interest and payments are higher. I need something though to get through until hopefully the appeal is done.
I HATE how complicated this all is. The stress is not helping my depression and drinking. Especially because I only barely understand the problem. So wish me luck getting this dealt with.
The other challenge is that after a week in the hospital on detox, my alcohol tolerance appears much lower. The first day I drank, instead of a bottle I drank half of one and still got very drunk. Tonight I've had around 12 shots, and I'm very drunk.. and yet my mind wants more. It wants at least 15 shots. I know I can't do that. I don't want to throw up... so this is definitely a challenge
I am registered for classes. I am scheduled to teach 3 labs. Normally, graduate students are only allowed to teach 2, but I guess they really needed me this semester. I'm happy because it is more money, and really since it's the same class it's not much extra work. I've been teaching the same thing since I started in 2011, so I have the lecture material prepared. I have multiple quizzes and exams to adapt (I know I should avoid giving identical quizzes/exams that I gave in the past)
The issue I'm dealing with is strange. It has to do with student loans. This may all be a bit hard to understand for readers outside the USA
For school, unless you have a scholarship (that pays tuition without having to be repaid) you either pay tuition or have to take out student loans. These loans do not have to be repaid until after you graduate. I am not sure what the requirements, but these can either be subsidized (you don't pay interest) or unsubsidized (you pay interest). These are federal loans, so they are regulated I guess by the government. The amount you receive is based both on your school's expense and your income.
Well, there is a maximum for this type of loan, which I have not reached. The first 3 years of my bachelors degree was paid by a scholarship, so only 3 semesters were loans. Actually, loans paid less than my actual tuition, so I had to pay the extra with what I earned working.
Now, I am on "financial aid suspension" because I have taken too many courses/hours. I guess the maximum is 150 hours. Each course ranges from 3-4hours. I had 134 hours for my bachelors degree. This is actually excessive because 1) I had to register for enough hours to receive my scholarship 2) It is possible to take classes in highschool that create credit in college.. so I did have extra hours that would not be an issue if I only finished that degree.
Then I decided to go back for my masters degree, and I guess it became complicated. I had received some emails about "academic progress" that I thought were just normal.. so I paid no attention. They mostly mentioned grades, so I didn't notice the part about hours. Well, I emailed the financial aid department recently about why I hadn't head about loans. That was when I was told about being on suspension. I went back and saw this was in their last email, and I hadn't read it enough to see it wasn't a warning.
I am annoyed because 1) this is really about the university I got my bachelors degree at 2) most of those hours were not paid by student loans 3) I have taken the very minimum required while working on my masters.
Anyway, I can appeal the suspension. The stuff I have read says that the head of the department can also appeal and state the number of hours required to complete my degree. This is either 9 or 12. I am taking one course virology (3 hours) and then 3 hours for the paper I'm writing. I need these 6 hours to teach. In the spring semester, I need to register for 3 hours if I'm completing my paper.
I am sure the department will be willing to appeal. It's the timing that's stressful. It is likely the appeal will take several weeks, so I must find a way to pay tuition and living expenses until then.
so yes. STRESS. I should have realized the problem earlier if I had really read the email they sent, but now I have to deal with it at the last minute. I have the option of applying for loans through a bank.. these loans do not have to be paid until after graduation, but the interest and payments are higher. I need something though to get through until hopefully the appeal is done.
I HATE how complicated this all is. The stress is not helping my depression and drinking. Especially because I only barely understand the problem. So wish me luck getting this dealt with.
The other challenge is that after a week in the hospital on detox, my alcohol tolerance appears much lower. The first day I drank, instead of a bottle I drank half of one and still got very drunk. Tonight I've had around 12 shots, and I'm very drunk.. and yet my mind wants more. It wants at least 15 shots. I know I can't do that. I don't want to throw up... so this is definitely a challenge
Tuesday, August 12, 2014
Seriously, God?!? What the f***?
The slightly blasphemous title will make sense in a moment.
So yesterday a little before 1pm I was discharged from the hospital/treatment for depression and alcoholism. I had this really well thought out plan, which was one I made not one suggested. I stayed at my parents house until I had dinner with them. My dad drove me to my home AA group (reminder: I live about 45 minutes away) for a meeting. From there someone was to drive me home.
Well, one of the girls at AA texted to see if I wanted to hang out when I got back, so the plan became go to the 8pm meeting then talk for a while and go to Walmart. The meeting was a mess.. I don't know why exactly. There's a woman that comes that is I guess homeless.. and she picked some topic about how if someone from AA calls you, you shouldn't hang up on them.. don't know the back story, but I don't do passive aggressive meetings. The friend who wanted to hang out had gone outside to talk to someone. I told the other one there that I was going outside.
I walked out of the room and started crying. I realized I had no idea who else was outside. I realized my phone was inside so I couldn't tell either of them anything. There's an extra room that's storage plus a table and chairs. I sat in there with the lights off and door closed and prayed and cried. Finally, one of them figured out where I was because clearly I wasn't outside (like I told one of them) or inside (where I had been). we talked and I cried and I had no idea what the hell was wrong.
So we go to walmart. I get groceries and my friend buys random stuff. While she's in the restroom, my friend L calls and I can barely hear her, but I eventually made out "______ killed himself". I had her repeat it.. I got the killed himself part. I said I'd come over as soon as possible. It was only when my friend got out of the bathroom I figured out she meant the guy she was seeing that had been her neighbor. I saw him once when i ran into them at a store.
Well, I call my sponsor even though it's around midnight, She answers and says she has to go outside. In the meantime I tell the friend I was shopping with. My sponsor thinks I shouldn't go. I cannot think of any way to call my friend back and say I'm not coming without seeming horrible
This conversation goes back and forth with me crying. My sponsor has me give the phone to the other girl. I am crying hysterically in the parking lot of a Walmart. Finally, I agree to go with my AA friend
We get there. L is obviously a mess. I transform into therapist me and sit there and sympathize and listen and wait until L's sister comes. I say we should go to the school counseling center about it, and L agrees
I got home at almost 2am. My sponsor calls at 10am and asks what I'm doing.. I'm still in bed. She suggests I go to the noon meeting and speak to her sponsor (mine is out of town). I go and the damn woman picks suicide and death as the topic. Between that and some other stuff, the meeting becomes impossible. I get up (take my purse this time) and tell my grand-sponsor I'll be out back. We talk eventually about alcohol and death and suicide and reincarnation and all kinds of shit. She advises I go home and take a nap (I do like this woman)
I instead go to school and sort out plans for Fall semester. That goes ok. I then get lunch and go shopping. I text my sponsor (on vacation) that I want to drink but don't want to call anyone. She texts about being good for reaching out... then of course 2 people call me. Neither mention our sponsor, but it's kinda obvious she talked to them
I go to the 6pm meeting and make it through. I talk to a friend and cry a lot after. I get to my car.. I cry. I walk back into the building. I get a call from another AA friend. I walk outside to answer. I cry. I get in my car. I text my sponsor to call me when she can. I eventually go to the liquor store. I buy a bottle of vodka, and now I'm drunk.
I really tried. I talked to my sponsor about my friend. I went with another person. I went to a meeting and talked to someone with 25 years of sobriety about it. I went to another meeting and talked with someone. It all came down to... can I get through this without self destructing? Then if not, what is the least self destructive way? That was drinking.
So yesterday a little before 1pm I was discharged from the hospital/treatment for depression and alcoholism. I had this really well thought out plan, which was one I made not one suggested. I stayed at my parents house until I had dinner with them. My dad drove me to my home AA group (reminder: I live about 45 minutes away) for a meeting. From there someone was to drive me home.
Well, one of the girls at AA texted to see if I wanted to hang out when I got back, so the plan became go to the 8pm meeting then talk for a while and go to Walmart. The meeting was a mess.. I don't know why exactly. There's a woman that comes that is I guess homeless.. and she picked some topic about how if someone from AA calls you, you shouldn't hang up on them.. don't know the back story, but I don't do passive aggressive meetings. The friend who wanted to hang out had gone outside to talk to someone. I told the other one there that I was going outside.
I walked out of the room and started crying. I realized I had no idea who else was outside. I realized my phone was inside so I couldn't tell either of them anything. There's an extra room that's storage plus a table and chairs. I sat in there with the lights off and door closed and prayed and cried. Finally, one of them figured out where I was because clearly I wasn't outside (like I told one of them) or inside (where I had been). we talked and I cried and I had no idea what the hell was wrong.
So we go to walmart. I get groceries and my friend buys random stuff. While she's in the restroom, my friend L calls and I can barely hear her, but I eventually made out "______ killed himself". I had her repeat it.. I got the killed himself part. I said I'd come over as soon as possible. It was only when my friend got out of the bathroom I figured out she meant the guy she was seeing that had been her neighbor. I saw him once when i ran into them at a store.
Well, I call my sponsor even though it's around midnight, She answers and says she has to go outside. In the meantime I tell the friend I was shopping with. My sponsor thinks I shouldn't go. I cannot think of any way to call my friend back and say I'm not coming without seeming horrible
This conversation goes back and forth with me crying. My sponsor has me give the phone to the other girl. I am crying hysterically in the parking lot of a Walmart. Finally, I agree to go with my AA friend
We get there. L is obviously a mess. I transform into therapist me and sit there and sympathize and listen and wait until L's sister comes. I say we should go to the school counseling center about it, and L agrees
I got home at almost 2am. My sponsor calls at 10am and asks what I'm doing.. I'm still in bed. She suggests I go to the noon meeting and speak to her sponsor (mine is out of town). I go and the damn woman picks suicide and death as the topic. Between that and some other stuff, the meeting becomes impossible. I get up (take my purse this time) and tell my grand-sponsor I'll be out back. We talk eventually about alcohol and death and suicide and reincarnation and all kinds of shit. She advises I go home and take a nap (I do like this woman)
I instead go to school and sort out plans for Fall semester. That goes ok. I then get lunch and go shopping. I text my sponsor (on vacation) that I want to drink but don't want to call anyone. She texts about being good for reaching out... then of course 2 people call me. Neither mention our sponsor, but it's kinda obvious she talked to them
I go to the 6pm meeting and make it through. I talk to a friend and cry a lot after. I get to my car.. I cry. I walk back into the building. I get a call from another AA friend. I walk outside to answer. I cry. I get in my car. I text my sponsor to call me when she can. I eventually go to the liquor store. I buy a bottle of vodka, and now I'm drunk.
I really tried. I talked to my sponsor about my friend. I went with another person. I went to a meeting and talked to someone with 25 years of sobriety about it. I went to another meeting and talked with someone. It all came down to... can I get through this without self destructing? Then if not, what is the least self destructive way? That was drinking.
Monday, August 11, 2014
Post hospital update
Just got out of the got out of the hospital a couple hours ago. Overall feeling much better. 7 days sober now.
It was a very nice place. Not too crowded. Nice nurses and staff. My roommate was.. ok sometimes. She slept a lot during the day, so I felt terrible going in and making any noise or turning on any light. She was nice though. We didn't talk very much.
The treatment center has several different programs. I know there's a faith based program, a co-occurring disorder program (mine), and some sort of senior program. Really not sure. Most of the schedule seemed the same for all of us.. movement/recreational therapy. That was either yoga or going outside.. I skipped because it's hot outside and I didn't feel like yoga. Napping sounded better. Then there was a nursing group where a nurse rambled about something.
The difference between the programs was the psychotherapy groups. Those were separate. There were 2 a day, one process group and one education group. Honestly.. I didn't like my group. It wasn't exactly the therapist or the material. It was that one man seemed to spend every session bitching about his wife and his marriage. Like if we were talking about anger, he was saying how they always end up yelling or she goes off and cries and won't explain why. He also said to her at some point maybe he should drive her to a mental hospital (and the one he listed is NOT a nice hospital). The therapist never seemed to interrupt him.
Plus, I fell into my usual therapist role.. I mean giving advice in groups is a wonderful thing. The problem is I tend to take over if the therapist isn't saying anything useful. Plus, I'm mostly repeating things other therapists have said around me in the past.
As for me, therapy wasn't very helpful, but they did have AA meetings nightly. I also did a lot of reading (spiritual books and such). Also napping.. the detox med makes me really tired.
The news is that my psychiatrist there has diagnosed me as bipolar (specifically bipolar 2). There has been discussion of this with previous doctors, but nobody ever diagnosed it. I have been on a mood stabilizer of some sort for at least 5 years, and without it I get worse.
What he says (I may add a link later if I find some info) is that if someone with bipolar is depressed and you put them on an antidepressant while depressed, it can induce a sort of hypo-mania. That ends up seeming like the depression is fixed. It does however explain why antidepressants never seem to work long term. I usually switch at least once a year.. usually it's a combination. And the seroquel and trazadone and neurontin I'm on for anxiety and sleep mask some manic symptoms. For example, if I don't take the seroquel (and this has been true for a while) I get maybe 1 hour of sleep. It hasn't been obvious because the alcohol mixed with everything else knocks me out at night.
While the diagnosis is still kinda shocking, I am ecstatic that he actually reduced the number of medications I am taking!!
I was on
Wellbutrin (antidepressant)
Lexapro (antidepressant)
Lamictal (mood stabilizer)
Seroquel (technically an anti-psychotic but in low doses as a sleep aid)
Trazadone (anti anxiety and antidepressant)
Neurontin (anti seizure but also anti anxiety
Now it is
Wellbutrin
Lamictal
Seroquel
and Neurontin as needed for anxiety. I was taking 800mg 3 times a day. Now it's 100mg up to every 4 hours if needed, but I never had to use it in the hospital
I mostly behaved myself. I was there a week. I purged twice and scratched myself a few times. Managed not to pick too badly at my skin. It helped that since my roommate was always asleep, I had to be in the day room, and it's much harder to self harm in the day room. Plus, my bathroom was also right by the day room, so I was concerned someone would hear me. During the assessment, I said I had never had an eating disorder. I think I did pretty well compared to previous treatments.
Today's plan.. I had a friend from AA take me to the hospital. My dad dropped me off at their house. I'm having dinner with my parents, and then he's dropping me off at my AA home group. Then someone is driving me home after the 8pm meeting. My car is still at my apartment, so I can't go anywhere right now, which is in my best interest.
Thank you guys for the sweet comments! I appreciate the support
It was a very nice place. Not too crowded. Nice nurses and staff. My roommate was.. ok sometimes. She slept a lot during the day, so I felt terrible going in and making any noise or turning on any light. She was nice though. We didn't talk very much.
The treatment center has several different programs. I know there's a faith based program, a co-occurring disorder program (mine), and some sort of senior program. Really not sure. Most of the schedule seemed the same for all of us.. movement/recreational therapy. That was either yoga or going outside.. I skipped because it's hot outside and I didn't feel like yoga. Napping sounded better. Then there was a nursing group where a nurse rambled about something.
The difference between the programs was the psychotherapy groups. Those were separate. There were 2 a day, one process group and one education group. Honestly.. I didn't like my group. It wasn't exactly the therapist or the material. It was that one man seemed to spend every session bitching about his wife and his marriage. Like if we were talking about anger, he was saying how they always end up yelling or she goes off and cries and won't explain why. He also said to her at some point maybe he should drive her to a mental hospital (and the one he listed is NOT a nice hospital). The therapist never seemed to interrupt him.
Plus, I fell into my usual therapist role.. I mean giving advice in groups is a wonderful thing. The problem is I tend to take over if the therapist isn't saying anything useful. Plus, I'm mostly repeating things other therapists have said around me in the past.
As for me, therapy wasn't very helpful, but they did have AA meetings nightly. I also did a lot of reading (spiritual books and such). Also napping.. the detox med makes me really tired.
The news is that my psychiatrist there has diagnosed me as bipolar (specifically bipolar 2). There has been discussion of this with previous doctors, but nobody ever diagnosed it. I have been on a mood stabilizer of some sort for at least 5 years, and without it I get worse.
What he says (I may add a link later if I find some info) is that if someone with bipolar is depressed and you put them on an antidepressant while depressed, it can induce a sort of hypo-mania. That ends up seeming like the depression is fixed. It does however explain why antidepressants never seem to work long term. I usually switch at least once a year.. usually it's a combination. And the seroquel and trazadone and neurontin I'm on for anxiety and sleep mask some manic symptoms. For example, if I don't take the seroquel (and this has been true for a while) I get maybe 1 hour of sleep. It hasn't been obvious because the alcohol mixed with everything else knocks me out at night.
While the diagnosis is still kinda shocking, I am ecstatic that he actually reduced the number of medications I am taking!!
I was on
Wellbutrin (antidepressant)
Lexapro (antidepressant)
Lamictal (mood stabilizer)
Seroquel (technically an anti-psychotic but in low doses as a sleep aid)
Trazadone (anti anxiety and antidepressant)
Neurontin (anti seizure but also anti anxiety
Now it is
Wellbutrin
Lamictal
Seroquel
and Neurontin as needed for anxiety. I was taking 800mg 3 times a day. Now it's 100mg up to every 4 hours if needed, but I never had to use it in the hospital
I mostly behaved myself. I was there a week. I purged twice and scratched myself a few times. Managed not to pick too badly at my skin. It helped that since my roommate was always asleep, I had to be in the day room, and it's much harder to self harm in the day room. Plus, my bathroom was also right by the day room, so I was concerned someone would hear me. During the assessment, I said I had never had an eating disorder. I think I did pretty well compared to previous treatments.
Today's plan.. I had a friend from AA take me to the hospital. My dad dropped me off at their house. I'm having dinner with my parents, and then he's dropping me off at my AA home group. Then someone is driving me home after the 8pm meeting. My car is still at my apartment, so I can't go anywhere right now, which is in my best interest.
Thank you guys for the sweet comments! I appreciate the support
Sunday, August 3, 2014
Tomorrow...
I probably won't find time to write in the morning. I have stuff that I am putting off doing until then.
I go for my evaluation at 2pm. I scheduled it that late in case I can't find a ride because I can't guarantee I'll feel sober enough to drive before noon. It's been taking longer to feel ok in the morning than it used to. I think this off and on sobriety has affected how well my body metabolizes alcohol (also probably why I often can't remember everything I did before going to bed)
I skipped church today because I was exhausted when I first woke up. It didn't help that people kept texting me.. my sponsor texted me around 7:30am (and I just realized I never read the link she sent me). A friend texted me to ask if we could change where we had lunch. I got a call and a text from a pharmacy about picking up a prescription. This and all my weird dreams meant I didn't sleep that well.
I did go to lunch with my friend and told her about going to treatment. She was very supportive. She knows I had really been working on stuff in AA. She knows more than my parents about the severity of the problem. She also knows more than the people at AA just how many times I've been in psych wards for depression and in treatment for bulimia. We both discussed how much psych wards and ER admissions suck, so she liked that I found somewhere different this time. She's anorexic, so she knows a fair amount about treatment too
I went to my parents house. I had called my sponsor and said I didn't think I wanted to tell them. She said that was fine. Then while talking to them before going to dinner, they brought up a show we were supposed to see this week. It's this Monty Python reunion that is going to be shown in theaters Thursday. I showed it to them, and they preordered tickets a couple months ago.
We left for dinner, and I texted my sponsor about this. I then said I was having second thoughts about going. She said "The disease is lying. It's a lying, stealing thief of any chance you have for joy and peace" and I can't really argue with that.
I did end up telling my parents. Mostly because I realized they would probably be upset to find out via email or something tomorrow since I saw them today. My mom was supportive.. I kinda lied about how long the relapse has been, but I said it was also the depression. She did say she knew something was going on because my hands had been shaking. I had wondered how she wouldn't have seen that, but she hadn't said anything.
So yes.. that's done. I made a list of phone numbers to take since I probably won't be allowed to have my cell phone. I also wrote up some brief directions for my sponsor and the other girl feeding my cats. I haven't packed.. but I know where everything is, so it's not a big deal.
Still don't know if I have a ride.. my sponsor is working. She had me call someone else, but I haven't heard back. I'll figure it out. I am going to the noon AA meeting for a bit to see my sponsor. She wants to give me a hug before I go, and I need to give her the key to my apartment.
I don't know for absolute certainty that I'll be admitted, but if you don't hear from me tomorrow then assume I'm in treatment.
I go for my evaluation at 2pm. I scheduled it that late in case I can't find a ride because I can't guarantee I'll feel sober enough to drive before noon. It's been taking longer to feel ok in the morning than it used to. I think this off and on sobriety has affected how well my body metabolizes alcohol (also probably why I often can't remember everything I did before going to bed)
I skipped church today because I was exhausted when I first woke up. It didn't help that people kept texting me.. my sponsor texted me around 7:30am (and I just realized I never read the link she sent me). A friend texted me to ask if we could change where we had lunch. I got a call and a text from a pharmacy about picking up a prescription. This and all my weird dreams meant I didn't sleep that well.
I did go to lunch with my friend and told her about going to treatment. She was very supportive. She knows I had really been working on stuff in AA. She knows more than my parents about the severity of the problem. She also knows more than the people at AA just how many times I've been in psych wards for depression and in treatment for bulimia. We both discussed how much psych wards and ER admissions suck, so she liked that I found somewhere different this time. She's anorexic, so she knows a fair amount about treatment too
I went to my parents house. I had called my sponsor and said I didn't think I wanted to tell them. She said that was fine. Then while talking to them before going to dinner, they brought up a show we were supposed to see this week. It's this Monty Python reunion that is going to be shown in theaters Thursday. I showed it to them, and they preordered tickets a couple months ago.
We left for dinner, and I texted my sponsor about this. I then said I was having second thoughts about going. She said "The disease is lying. It's a lying, stealing thief of any chance you have for joy and peace" and I can't really argue with that.
I did end up telling my parents. Mostly because I realized they would probably be upset to find out via email or something tomorrow since I saw them today. My mom was supportive.. I kinda lied about how long the relapse has been, but I said it was also the depression. She did say she knew something was going on because my hands had been shaking. I had wondered how she wouldn't have seen that, but she hadn't said anything.
So yes.. that's done. I made a list of phone numbers to take since I probably won't be allowed to have my cell phone. I also wrote up some brief directions for my sponsor and the other girl feeding my cats. I haven't packed.. but I know where everything is, so it's not a big deal.
Still don't know if I have a ride.. my sponsor is working. She had me call someone else, but I haven't heard back. I'll figure it out. I am going to the noon AA meeting for a bit to see my sponsor. She wants to give me a hug before I go, and I need to give her the key to my apartment.
I don't know for absolute certainty that I'll be admitted, but if you don't hear from me tomorrow then assume I'm in treatment.
Saturday, August 2, 2014
Progress not perfection
Random title, but it's what came to mind.
Progress, I called and scheduled an appointment Monday for an evaluation at the treatment place. I knew the longer I waited, the easier it was to back out. Though, realistically my sponsor would not let me do that easily. I also thought having an appointment would make it easier.
I'm really hoping this place is good or at least decent. The website makes it sound good. Group and individual therapy, art therapy, plus psychiatrists and 24/7 nursing care. When i went to rehab this past winter, the place didn't have a psychiatrist. I don't know if my meds need to be changed, but at least it's an option here.
Also nice that it isn't part of a hospital, so I can go for an evaluation without going through an emergency room. It has always been frustrating going through the ER. ER doctors seem to have a blank expression, so you have no idea how they feel about what I'm saying. I start doubting if I should really be there or if they think I'm fine. I mean.. they've never sent me home, so my problems must be significant enough.
This time it is a social worker or a psychiatrist listening to me. I still don't know if I'm bad enough.. but I do know things are bad. I have been blacking out almost every night. Last night.. don't know, but there a very stale english muffin in the toaster that I must have put in there but not eaten.
Yesterday was also just weird. My sponsor called around noon.. she wanted me to go to treatment yesterday, but I said I had stuff to do. She asked about me needing help with it. She also apparently talked to someone else about it because I got a call from another AA woman. That person talked to me about going to school for picking classes for fall. She asked when regjstration ended. It occurred to me I didn't need to do it yesterday. She also offered to go shopping with me to get hospital approved clothing (no drawstring pants and no shoelace shoes) and toiletries. I agreed to that.
Shopping went fine. I got what I needed and she dropped me off back at the AA building. I sat around until the 6pm meeting. It was weird after the meeting I started feeling really out of it. It was like everything was a dream. This lasted for a few hours. In that time, I went shopping with another woman. She needed groceries, I just went with.
I went to another meeting at 10pm and then went home and drank (that's the not perfection part).
Today I got up a little late (1pm) but made it to the 1:30 women's meeting. I didn't share, but I did in both meetings yesterday. I then went to lunch with someone there. Then the liquor store and home.
I haven't told my parents about Monday.. I am debating telling them when i see them tomorrow or just emailing them Monday if I'm admitted. My sponsor says to pray about it. I'll see how I feel tomorrow. I am not really eager to go to this place, but drinking is miserable. I hate not knowing what I did after I blacked out. I hate spending money on vodka. I hate being tired and sad, and I just need a break.
Progress, I called and scheduled an appointment Monday for an evaluation at the treatment place. I knew the longer I waited, the easier it was to back out. Though, realistically my sponsor would not let me do that easily. I also thought having an appointment would make it easier.
I'm really hoping this place is good or at least decent. The website makes it sound good. Group and individual therapy, art therapy, plus psychiatrists and 24/7 nursing care. When i went to rehab this past winter, the place didn't have a psychiatrist. I don't know if my meds need to be changed, but at least it's an option here.
Also nice that it isn't part of a hospital, so I can go for an evaluation without going through an emergency room. It has always been frustrating going through the ER. ER doctors seem to have a blank expression, so you have no idea how they feel about what I'm saying. I start doubting if I should really be there or if they think I'm fine. I mean.. they've never sent me home, so my problems must be significant enough.
This time it is a social worker or a psychiatrist listening to me. I still don't know if I'm bad enough.. but I do know things are bad. I have been blacking out almost every night. Last night.. don't know, but there a very stale english muffin in the toaster that I must have put in there but not eaten.
Yesterday was also just weird. My sponsor called around noon.. she wanted me to go to treatment yesterday, but I said I had stuff to do. She asked about me needing help with it. She also apparently talked to someone else about it because I got a call from another AA woman. That person talked to me about going to school for picking classes for fall. She asked when regjstration ended. It occurred to me I didn't need to do it yesterday. She also offered to go shopping with me to get hospital approved clothing (no drawstring pants and no shoelace shoes) and toiletries. I agreed to that.
Shopping went fine. I got what I needed and she dropped me off back at the AA building. I sat around until the 6pm meeting. It was weird after the meeting I started feeling really out of it. It was like everything was a dream. This lasted for a few hours. In that time, I went shopping with another woman. She needed groceries, I just went with.
I went to another meeting at 10pm and then went home and drank (that's the not perfection part).
Today I got up a little late (1pm) but made it to the 1:30 women's meeting. I didn't share, but I did in both meetings yesterday. I then went to lunch with someone there. Then the liquor store and home.
I haven't told my parents about Monday.. I am debating telling them when i see them tomorrow or just emailing them Monday if I'm admitted. My sponsor says to pray about it. I'll see how I feel tomorrow. I am not really eager to go to this place, but drinking is miserable. I hate not knowing what I did after I blacked out. I hate spending money on vodka. I hate being tired and sad, and I just need a break.
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