"cause I had an angel's face and twice the devil's thirst"
I've been listening to The Town Pants in the car lately.. specifically the album 'Shore Leave'.. and I'm pretty sure almost every song involves drinking (think modern irish drinking songs). This is a line from the song "The Unlikely Redemption of Oliver Reed"
http://www.thetownpants.com/listen/s/the_unlikely_redemption_of_oliver_reed
Not sure why.. but I end up fixated on that line. For some reason, it just sounds like me. Nobody at school suspects I have a drinking problem until I tell them. Some see depression. Some just see that something is wrong, but nobody suspects I'm an alcoholic. Even those that know never suspected I drank as much as I did/do. That's the angel face part.. people always seem to trust me. I don't make friends easily because I'm a bit of an introvert, but it does seem people just like me. It's true of several professors at school.
And yet, I don't know what the devil drinks, but I'm probably not far off. I saw this thing on facebook that was lethal amounts of everyday chemicals.. water they claim 6 liters, don't remember for coffee, but for alcohol they say 13 shots. I guess for a first time drinker, but I managed months of drinking more than that everyday. Only recently have I had my blood tests be a bit off. Before, my liver tested fine. My digestive system hated me, but that's about it.
Anyway.. rambling. I'm not doing so well.. I have used the stress this week as an excuse to drink. I know in AA they say we drink because we want to, and that's true.. but since I started going to AA so much.. I am torn between wanting and not wanting, and I can justify choosing the wanting side by these excuses.
The first was L's boyfriend's suicide.. which triggered a lot of thoughts that coincided with a bad depression.
Then shit at school got weird. I had problems getting financial aid.. Friday that all got fixed. It was actually quite amazing. I went to school to see the head of the biology department. She kinda re-explained the situation and did say I had taken a lot of classes. I basically said i should have stopped research sooner and maybe I could have been done sooner. She said she'd write the appeal letter. She also said she had appealed to the graduate school to let me register for 3 hours (equivalent to one class) instead of 6 (2 classes) because they wanted me to teach extra.
I left and went shopping.. this is my way of avoiding my apartment. I honestly spent very little money, but I went a bunch of places. I went to one craft store because I've been wanting to do metal stamped jewelry and have had trouble finding the metal blanks (I'll post pictures when I make something). Then Target to look for coloring books. Also went to another craft store and the grocery store.
At the 1st craft store, I got the email that the graduate school let me take 3 hours. I also got a copy of the letter sent to appeal the financial aid decision. She actually lied a bit in it, but I don't care. The question that then came up was if I could get financial aid only registering for 3 hours.
At Target, I got another email that said I can because of what I registered for. So in just a few hours it was all mostly sorted out.. time is still an issue, but at least I know I can get normal federal student loans (much lower interest rate than private plus there are more reasonable repayment options).
And yet, I wanted to drink. I called my sponsor. I mentioned I did have vodka in my freezer. She said if I still had it I was just procrastinating when I would drink it.. I don't think she realized i wasn't at home. I did go to a meeting after that. Then another meeting. Then I decided to get rid of the vodka. Then I got something to eat with a friend from AA. Then we went to a 3rd meeting. I may bitch a bit about some of what went on at my home group after the 1st meeting. The 3rd was funny because it's a candlelight meeting and apparently me and my friend shouldn't be around candles. Near us were 3 tealight candles. 2 were barely burning, so I put them out by just touching the flame. Then I started playing passing my finger through the other flame (it doesn't burn if you do it fast). My friend made a sign for me to stop, so I moved the candles. Then she did the same thing.. and we couldn't stop laughing. My sponsor looked at us like we were crazy. I decided to get rid of the vodka
So I took a friend with me and poured out the vodka. Didn't throw the bottle away because we have a craft idea for ithttp://www.picklee.com/2012/05/16/breaking-bottle/ My friend thinks this sounds awesome. My sponsor had this shocked/disapproving/mom expression when I explained it. We said I am not qualified to play with fire. She also asked about safety because we're not smart enough to mess up our faces (yes that's a bit insulting)
Today I went to my usual woman's meeting.. I ended up talking about B and L.. and equated this to playing with fire. L because she thought it appropriate to ask for my support the day I got out of the hospital. B wants to do lunch, but I have no idea if she's on her meds. Lunch would be fine, but I had don't know if this will just lead into the same codependent fucked up friendship we had before. It was a good meeting.
I hung around after and my sponsor and my grand-sponsor told me a sort of metaphor for sponsorship. When you are teaching a baby to walk, you hold out your hands and tell them to come to you. If they fall, you don't tell them that they can't walk and should just crawl (except with more swear words). You just keep holding out your hands. Even now this makes me want to cry. My sponsor said she'd never tell me to just crawl.
I stayed around a while, and the depression sank in. I don't know if this is a bipolar thing or a sobriety thing.. but my friend kept asking if I wanted to do stuff.. including: fishing, organizing craft supplies, the bottle craft, going to eat, and some other stuff. I said no to all of it and eventually said I just wanted to go home. I was crying at that point. We went outside and she said she knows the pain I am going through, she knows the brave face I put on.. she talked about knowing this self hatred and basically was spot on about all of it. I just cried.
I mentioned how my sponsor said friday that maybe I'm just not done drinking. I said maybe I just shouldn't keep coming to meetings maybe I shouldn't have a sponsor. It all led up to how much I hate people caring about me, how much I hate that they see past the brave face.
I got in my car and texted my sponsor that maybe she was right about not being ready. She texted to not use that excuse to drink and there was another meeting in less than an hour. I basically said I couldn't be in that room and be around people. I didn't know if I would drink, but I drove to the liquor store.
In the parking lot, I prayed.. then I bought vodka. then I prayed again. I still went home and drank. I just couldn't do it.
I only bought one bottle of vodka. Only enough for tonight. So tomorrow we'll see.
I hate myself
I hate my life
I hate being cared about or loved
I hate caring about people enough to keep existing
I hate drinking
I hate being sober
I hate being alone
I hate being with people
I realized maybe this week is not just a mess because of drinking. I realized maybe it's the bipolar? Maybe I am cycling from normalcy to depression. Maybe that is making everything fucked up. I see my psychiatrist is 2 weeks. I am hoping he believes this diagnosis and maybe has some idea to help. But for him to be willing to help, I probably need to be sober. I don't know. I don't know.
To end on another Town Pants lyric
"lying down in this bed that I made, I'm afraid of feeling good"
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