Progress not perfection

Random title, but it's what came to mind.

Progress, I called and scheduled an appointment Monday for an evaluation at the treatment place. I knew the longer I waited, the easier it was to back out. Though, realistically my sponsor would not let me do that easily. I also thought having an appointment would make it easier.

I'm really hoping this place is good or at least decent. The website makes it sound good. Group and individual therapy, art therapy, plus psychiatrists and 24/7 nursing care. When i went to rehab this past winter, the place didn't have a psychiatrist. I don't know if my meds need to be changed, but at least it's an option here.

Also nice that it isn't part of a hospital, so I can go for an evaluation without going through an emergency room. It has always been frustrating going through the ER. ER doctors seem to have a blank expression, so you have no idea how they feel about what I'm saying. I start doubting if I should really be there or if they think I'm fine. I mean.. they've never sent me home, so my problems must be significant enough.

This time it is a social worker or a psychiatrist listening to me. I still don't know if I'm bad enough.. but I do know things are bad.  I have been blacking out almost every night. Last night.. don't know, but there a very stale english muffin in the toaster that I must have put in there but not eaten.

Yesterday was also just weird. My sponsor called around noon.. she wanted me to go to treatment yesterday, but I said I had stuff to do. She asked about me needing help with it. She also apparently talked to someone else about it because I got a call from another AA woman. That person talked to me about going to school for picking classes for fall. She asked when regjstration ended. It occurred to me I didn't need to do it yesterday. She also offered to go shopping with me to get hospital approved clothing (no drawstring pants and no shoelace shoes) and toiletries. I agreed to that.

Shopping went fine. I got what I needed and she dropped me off back at the AA building. I sat around until the 6pm meeting. It was weird after the meeting I started feeling really out of it. It was like everything was a dream. This lasted for a few hours. In that time, I went shopping with another woman. She needed groceries, I just went with.

I went to another meeting at 10pm and then went home and drank (that's the not perfection part).

Today I got up a little late (1pm) but made it to the 1:30 women's meeting. I didn't share, but I did in both meetings yesterday. I then went to lunch with someone there. Then the liquor store and home.

I haven't told my parents about Monday.. I am debating telling them when i see them tomorrow or just emailing them Monday if I'm admitted. My sponsor says to pray about it. I'll see how I feel tomorrow. I am not really eager to go to this place, but drinking is miserable. I hate not knowing what I did after I blacked out. I hate spending money on vodka. I hate being tired and sad, and I just need a break.