Talking is hard

I'm tempted to delete some old entries because I think I'm writing too much, but it probably doesn't matter.

Anyway, I texted my sponsor last night about not having talked in meetings for a couple weeks at least, so she said I had to share today.

The topic was step 6 (were entirely ready to have god remove all these defects of character), which also kinda became a discussion of anger.. probably because it's a character defect almost every alcoholic has.

I'm kinda stalled on step 4. I kept making excuses not to work on it. So I really wasn't sure what to share in the meeting.

My sponsor got there a bit late and gave me a note with the instructions to talk about where I am and what's going on in my life. It also said I had to share for 5 minutes, but I don't think I managed that.

My problem is that in meetings I tend to alternate between really scattered thoughts. I obsess over what I should say or if I should share or if I have anything on the topic. This goes around and around in my brain until I get called on (or on rare occasions volunteer) to share.

At that point, I attempt to get out whatever my brain settled on to say. This is hard sometimes because I'm not always sure what I was thinking or I'm afraid I'm not making sense. I am wondering if this a manic thing or just anxiety. According to others, I make sense when I speak, but it doesn't sound that way to me. Probably because my brain is still thinking a million things, so I'm having to ignore those and try to stay with what I started to share.

The other option is that my brain just stops. This is not specific to AA meetings. It's a habit I developed in high school, where I basically learned to dissociate in therapy or any situation where I needed to lie. Not dissociate like another personality, but just my brain shuts off and everything I say feels distant.. or just disconnected from what I was actually thinking or feeling.

It wasn't something I consciously chose to do, but the problem was that I hate lying.. still do. I'm great at it, but I feel guilty doing in. In high school (and at various other points), I felt it necessary to lie about how I was doing because I didn't want to end up in the hospital.

The problem was that eventually when I was in treatment or therapy and wanted to be honest, it still happened. Basically, when pressured to talk about feelings or certain topics (cutting, drinking, etc) come up, my brain shuts down. It's better than it was. I remember when I was in treatment for bulimia the first time, the therapist could tell when it happened. I think it's a facial expression thing.

So yeah, I managed to get out that I had been telling everyone I was fine when that was pretty much opposite of the truth.. I think I said a bit about relapsing. Then I remember looking at my sponsor and saying I didn't know what to say.. I had lost the train of thought or pretty much any thinking.. so managing to say anything else was really hard. I did manage some.. stared at the table because I couldn't look at anyone because it would make it worse. I'm not sure I even remember what I said.

My sponsor said I did ok. She said I was making sense and then I just lost whatever I was trying to talk about.

The main issue is the longer I go without talking in meetings, the more pressure they put on me to share, and the more pressure they put on me, the harder it is. My brain came back afterwards when listening to people.

I really think I need to figure out how not to do this.. I have been taught some grounding techniques, but I almost never try to use them. I mean usually I don't want to share if I'm doing poorly. But it's really annoying if I want to talk to anyone.