Don't even know anymore

The past couple days.. I've gone to AA. I've tried to listen. When my sponsor or anyone ask how I'm doing, I saw I'm ok. That can be interpreted all sorts of things. I mean, I am not desperately bad (mostly what i mean). I am not happy but not terribly sad. Just numb. Just lost.

I don't know how to deal with questions. When she asks what's going on, I shrug. We both know I've been drinking. I have been honest about that. I don't lie if asked.  Well, if asked by the people I trust. There's some in AA I will always just say I'm ok. I just don't know them well enough or like them enough to tell them things and start a real conversation.

I got there today, and she showed up right as the meeting was starting. She asked if I wanted to go talk. I said yes. Not sure why.. actually I have been very lonely. I have been a bit jealous that she spends more time with others she sponsors. In reality, I know it's because she can't do much for me. I come to meetings. I listen. I occasionally speak. I go home and drink.

Anyway, we went into another room but there was another woman there who was upset, so we sat and listened to her for a while.

When the woman was gone, I talked some.. I had managed not to buy more vodka so far today. I talked about school and being afraid of going back.. both of it triggering thoughts of drinking and of being found out. I can't hide the drinking if it gets bad again. We talked about my medication and that maybe this might also be that.. and that drinking on meds makes them pretty useless. She also said she never blacked out as much until she drank on antidepressants, and I know that's part of why I never remember everything that happens after I start drinking. I do see my doctor next week.

I tried explaining how some days start fine. I feel relatively good. I make plans with people. Then in the afternoon, it all falls apart. All I want is to go home and drink and cry. I go from wanting to talk to people to being unable to even text them. I think some of it is I become aware that I could be drinking.. that it's late enough. Or I'm aware that I just don't have energy for people.

The motivation changes.. from wanting to be sober to desperately wanting a drink and to shut down. The problem is that I will buy the vodka before this all happens just in case I am unable to later. I buy it so I can stay for the 8pm meeting and not worry about the liquor stores being closed after. I think I can just throw it out when I get home, when I know that's never going to happen.

I feel like I need some sort of help.. but it's too late for rehab now. School starts on Monday. I am still going to AA even if it feels hopeless. I am starting work on my 4th step again now that she told me what to do next. I am going through the motions hoping the motivation comes. I feel like quitting AA would lead to an out of control spiral that I only see ending in death. Either alcohol poisoning or suicide. If I don't have these people, I only see things getting worse.

They say the result is jails, institutions, or death.. and I'm guessing it would be one of the last 2. Right now, I at least see people who have hope and sobriety. I don't believe it will happen for me, but somehow it helps me hold on.

They all say they love me, and it hurts like hell to hear that. I know they're not lying. A while ago there was a meeting where someone was talking about there being people you will literally love to death.. you love them as they die. I saw myself in that. Ever since I've wondered if I would be one of the ones whose funeral they attend.

Sorry for the depressing post. My mind is in a dark place tonight.