Seriously, God?!? What the f***?

The slightly blasphemous title will make sense in a moment.

So yesterday a little before 1pm I was discharged from the hospital/treatment for depression and alcoholism. I had this really well thought out plan, which was one I made not one suggested. I stayed at my parents house until I had dinner with them. My dad drove me to my home AA group (reminder: I live about 45 minutes away) for a meeting. From there someone was to drive me home.

Well, one of the girls at AA texted to see if I wanted to hang out when I got back, so the plan became go to the 8pm meeting then talk for a while and go to Walmart. The meeting was a mess.. I don't know why exactly. There's a woman that comes that is I guess homeless.. and she picked some topic about how if someone from AA calls you, you shouldn't hang up on them.. don't know the back story, but I don't do passive aggressive meetings. The friend who wanted to hang out had gone outside to talk to someone. I told the other one there that I was going outside.

I walked out of the room and started crying. I realized I had no idea who else was outside. I realized my phone was inside so I couldn't tell either of them anything. There's an extra room that's storage plus a table and chairs. I sat in there with the lights off and door closed and prayed and cried. Finally, one of them figured out where I was because clearly I wasn't outside (like I told one of them) or inside (where I had been). we talked and I cried and I had no idea what the hell was wrong.

So we go to walmart. I get groceries and my friend buys random stuff. While she's in the restroom, my friend L calls and I can barely hear her, but I eventually made out "______ killed himself". I had her repeat it.. I got the killed himself part. I said I'd come over as soon as possible. It was only when my friend got out of the bathroom I figured out she meant the guy she was seeing that had been her neighbor. I saw him once when i ran into them at a store.

Well, I call my sponsor even though it's around midnight, She answers and says she has to go outside. In the meantime I tell the friend I was shopping with. My sponsor thinks I shouldn't go. I cannot think of any way to call my friend back and say I'm not coming without seeming horrible

This conversation goes back and forth with me crying. My sponsor has me give the phone to the other girl. I am crying hysterically in the parking lot of a Walmart. Finally, I agree to go with my AA friend

We get there. L is obviously a mess. I transform into therapist me and sit there and sympathize and listen and wait until L's sister comes.  I say we should go to the school counseling center about it, and L agrees

I got home at almost 2am. My sponsor calls at 10am and asks what I'm doing.. I'm still in bed. She suggests I go to the noon meeting and speak to her sponsor (mine is out of town). I go and the damn woman picks suicide and death as the topic. Between that and some other stuff, the meeting becomes impossible. I get up (take my purse this time) and tell my grand-sponsor I'll be out back. We talk eventually about alcohol and death and suicide and reincarnation and all kinds of shit. She advises I go home and take a nap (I do like this woman)

I instead go to school and sort out plans for Fall semester. That goes ok. I then get lunch and go shopping. I text my sponsor (on vacation) that I want to drink but don't want to call anyone. She texts about being good for reaching out... then of course 2 people call me. Neither mention our sponsor, but it's kinda obvious she talked to them

I go to the 6pm meeting and make it through. I talk to a friend and cry a lot after. I get to my car.. I cry. I walk back into the building. I get a call from another AA friend. I walk outside to answer. I cry. I get in my car. I text my sponsor to call me when she can. I eventually go to the liquor store. I buy a bottle of vodka, and now I'm drunk.

I really tried. I talked to my sponsor about my friend. I went with another person. I went to a meeting and talked to someone with 25 years of sobriety about it. I went to another meeting and talked with someone. It all came down to... can I get through this without self destructing? Then if not, what is the least self destructive way? That was drinking.