Moments of clarity

This is the term my sponsor just used. I just think of them as when the sane thoughts win.

For a long time, I was so in denial about the severity of alcoholism, and in particular my alcoholism. I knew physically the drinking was bad. It reached a point where even I knew it was not "normal" to drink 10-15 shots of vodka a day.. this took ages of reading definitions online.. which generally say 2 drinks a day is normal and not everyday, and so clearly not what I was doing.

It's taken much longer to see the severity of my alcoholic thinking. It was the same with the bulimia.. it made perfect sense at some point to microwave a pint of ice cream (softer=easier to eat) because I only had a 30 minute lunch in which to finish it and purge it. That really seemed ok at the time.

The alcohol I viewed as a coping mechanism, and so drinking made sense. So it seemed ok to keep buying vodka and hiding vodka and everything else.

My sponsor told me in the beginning that if I ever had a "good idea" to call her first. This seemed weird, but it slowly made sense.

So I have had a few "good ideas" this week. The main 2 occurred yesterday. I did NOT have a good therapy appointment or psychiatrist appointment. Pretty much every time I see her, my therapist pushes the idea of moving into a sober living home, and I repeatedly explain all the ways in which I can't do it.. mainly financial.

So yesterday, I finally interrupted this argument/discussion and said I was sick of the conversation. I said there had to be other things to try, and she said there were. Then I was upset because she had been repeating the same thing and never giving an alternative. She also pointed out that I was shaking.

I went to my parents house and went through my methods of hiding the shaking. Don't try to show them something on my phone or tablet without using 2 hands or setting it down. At dinner, I kept my hands under the table. I picked up my drinking carefully with 2 hands.

So the brilliant idea was, I should start carrying a flask of vodka in my purse. Not a big one. Just enough to stop the shaking. My mind did see this as crazy because I had always prided myself on not drinking during the day when listening in meetings. Then today I reminded myself that this could get me fired from my job.

The rest not important. I texted my sponsor that I hadn't talked in meeting in at least 2 weeks and I was wanting to skip the meeting tomorrow. She says she will see me tomorrow. She commented on my realization that the flask of vodka can't end well as a moment of clarity. And she's right. For once I can see that there are no positive endings to this decision. At least none that are at all likely. So yes.. moment of clear thinking.