Accepting or challenging? how easy it is to do the wrong thing

I feel that if I a title for an entry comes really easily, I'm obviously meant to write it. Some I just write to stay in the habit of writing. I don't really talk to people much.. beyond the whole "How are you?" "Fine" interactions and therapy.

And not talking can be a bad thing for me. I can live in my own head, and my head is a dangerous place.

I got my car back today. It feels weird... I think maybe that how shifting felt before was not what it should be? It's hard never having driven any manual except my own. Anyway, my parents drove up and paid and then picked me up to go get it. They wanted to do dinner after I took my car home.

I could easily have used this whole thing as an excuse to skip AA. Especially since driving my car kinda freaked me out because I kept having trouble shifting. I got back to my apartment after dinner around 7, so I convinced myself to go to a meeting at 8.

So the topic was acceptance. I've heard people talk about it before.

To me acceptance can be good and bad. The idea in therapy is accepting things/people/situations we have no control of. Mostly for me, this is friends and family. It is also my job and my finances because I can do my best and still not get what I want. I want teaching to be easy and money to appear when I need it even if it's my fault I am stuck waiting.

I have trouble accepting situations with my friends and family. My friends I want to be able to fix. In part for their own sake, but also to change them to make my life simpler. Right now, that has to do with my two school friends B and L not getting along. B may or may not be taking her meds. L is still (and justifiably so) upset about her boyfriend's suicide. I speak to both of them, but they don't speak to each other.

This has been ok over summer, but the biology department has a seminar on Fridays where some guest speaks about whatever. I normally sat with B and L and maybe some others. Now I wonder, will I be stuck in the middle? Will each be upset I am still speaking to the other. Will I have to pick a side. I mean.. I would side with L except that I never know who is giving me the whole truth. I am dreading Friday. 

My family.. is mostly fine. There have been issues in the past of my mom complaining about my dad or my brother. Or my brother is upset that my dad sides with me... general lack of communication skills. Frequently, I would like to tell them that maybe a therapist is better qualified to deal with their problems. This is not untrue. The problem is I can't make them agree, and in my family I am the sick one. I am the one who can't communicate. They have never really owned any part they play in that, and I've stopped trying.

I also however accept things in my life that I can change, or things I can at least fight.

I accept I'm an alcoholic, and that's good. I tend to accept I will die from this disease, and I don't think I'm supposed to. I think this is where I'm supposed to trust a higher power to deal with it. I am happy to just accept it because then I can keep drinking.

I accept physical consequences of drinking. The shaking is back. It's not terrible yet, but that doesn't mean it won't get worse. My memory is shit. My digestive tract is screwed up at times. I black out.. and a lot of nights cannot remember if I blacked out or if I actually was aware when I went to bed. Between the blackouts and my memory, it's hard to tell. I honestly have debated ways to tell. The biggest issue is remembering if I really did take my medication at night. If I didn't, I probably wouldn't sleep well if I missed one.. the other it's hard to tell. I try to figure it out by where things are in the morning. This is not helpful

These are things I could probably change. I could attempt to quit drinking again. I could actually call my sponsor or someone when I wanted to drink. I could call people daily. I could work the 12 steps.

I go to meetings almost everyday, and I drink in between. I go to maintain some hope. They do say (this has come up in multiple meetings) that we are defenseless against the first drink, but theoretically wanting to stop and doing those things should provide a defense.

I do in some ways want to stop drinking. I know it is making my life awful, but I also don't want to give up that coping mechanism. I do not want to deal with the unknown experience of living sober. I don't want to face stopping all my addictions and not just fearing I will switch to another. My sponsor has said she wishes she could duct tape oven mitts to my hands to stop me picking at my skin.

I know the serenity prayer (which I kinda hate) says having the courage to change the things I can. I tend to lean toward the "serenity to accept the things I cannot change" and ignore the rest or convince myself I am doing the rest. I'm guessing I should speak with my sponsor about this. Acceptance can mean many things.