the sobriety dilemma

I really am not sure I want to be sober.. actually I'm fairly certain I want to drink. I just really want my hands to stop shaking and my legs to stop twitching, so it's not so obvious I'm still drinking.

Problem is, there's not as far as I know any reasonable way to fixing it. The main fix would be to drink in the morning or during the day because it stops once I'm drunk. Problem is, I could lose my job, I could end up driving drunk, and then all the obvious physical consequences that I pretend don't exist.

Anyway, I didn't drink yesterday. I haven't made a decision about today. I've got quite a while before I really have to decide. Probably until around 5, so I can buy it and be able to go to the meeting at 6 or 8 without panicking about when to leave.

It's probably pretty fucked up how I keep track of that in my head. It's like when I am trying to remember which liquor store I went to last (giant one near my parents) so I'm not at the same one too often. Though, I feel like if they remember me (several do seem to recognize me), it's pretty obvious either I drink too much or I suppose party too much.. except I'm 27 and doubt I look like the partying type.

Plus, it's always the same brand of shitty vodka every time (except the last time they were out). And you would think if it was for multiple people, I would buy more than one bottle to avoid these frequent trips. I really can actually see my alcoholic behaviors. It's the curse of AA I think. I've heard them say "a belly full of liquor and a head full of AA" and it's true. I have the desperate desire to drink and the terrible awareness and guilt about what I'm doing.

Problem is, if I stop going, I feel like I'm going to be one of those people they talk about that never makes it back. I don't know if alcohol would kill me, or I'd kill myself.. but I always have this nagging fear that I'm one of the people they talk about who die from this. So at least if I go, maybe I'll hear something to at least keep me going.

The more I would skip meetings in the past and the less I talked,  the harder it was to go back or to be honest. And really I can tell the people who see through the lies. Plus once again, the shaking is really obvious at this point. I'm back to hiding my hands in my pockets or under tables or sometimes if I try really hard I can will them to stay still.