So today I turned 28. I used to like birthdays. I like holidays in general, but birthdays are a time when my friends and family focus on me. A bit self centered? though I suppose everyone is. The past few years, birthday=stress. I don't care about my age. The number means very little. I have friends that freaked out as they neared 30. Or enjoyed still being young or whatever. Me... I have so little hope for my life that age is irrelevant. I get annoyed with my friends talking about being too old to marry or have kids (they aren't too old). Me... I think it annoys me because I believe both those things are impossible. I don't have goals.. I mean I would like to be out of grad school by age 30, but then I envision a miserable job.
That was... a bit pessimistic. The main stress is that everyone wants to see me. In high school and college (mostly), I celebrated my birthday with 1. my family and 2. my friends. My friends that I was close with all liked each other and got along, so we would all go to dinner. My family would pick a time we could all have dinner, and we'd do that. 2 celebrations.
Now (and for a few years) it isn't that simple.
1. My acquaintances and sort of friends from school will say happy birthday either on facebook or in person. I actually dislike being noticed and feel I call attention to the people who I don't remind of my birthday and only see it as a facebook notification. Honestly, there's a lot of people I find out the same way.
2. I have 2 friends from eating disorder support groups/treatment (not counting those who I only know on facebook) and a couple years ago they decided they couldn't see each other. One doesn't dislike the other one but gossips about what the other does or when the other is in treatment and all sorts of gossip. The other actively decided she couldn't eat with girl 1 because of her eating disorder behaviors (tearing food apart, dipping everything in ketchup and salt, taking sandwiches apart, etc). She has a point. The behaviors bother me, but I don't try to change them. So for a while I saw them every couple weeks separately. That means I would have a separate dinner or lunch with each. This year one is in California in treatment I guess (don't know current details). The other I will see next Sunday for lunch.
3. I have my 2 friends from college/high school who currently have a 2 year old son and are expecting another child. I didn't tell them this year or last that my birthday was coming up. Last year, they found out via facebook and asked what i wanted. I didn't know.. ended up asking for a water filter pitcher, which is kinda boring but very useful. For some reason the husband in this case, doesn't get along with some other friends. I don't know.. he is kinda a know-it-all and very talkative, and I guess probably irritating if you aren't around him much. He does upset me at times. I think this year we are having lunch after church Sunday.
4. I have another friend I have known since we were 9 or 10 years old. We were friends (with a lot of dysfunction) through junior high and high school. She now has a 3 year old and a 1 year old and a husband I like but never knew well. We saw each other yesterday as well as seeing another woman I knew in high school but doesn't live locally (there are others I know but don't see anymore).
5. Grad school friends. I have 2 good friends here (well, good may not be accurate anymore). At the moment, they are not speaking. This was initially very awkward. One has kept in touch, texted me, talked to me when we see each other, and gone for lunch with. The other, I was in touch with before school started. She is bipolar and off her meds. It is unclear how much she told me is true and how much is paranoia.
I have not had a specific birthday celebration with either, but the first I am going shopping with tomorrow and the other hasn't spoken with in weeks. These are the 2 my sponsor calls "vampires" because I am the contact between them and their emotional support and in a at times very screwed up codependent relationship with. I am in some ways (this sounds terrible) very grateful that I have not heard from the one in weeks. She in particular has triggered relapses. The other, I am attempting to maintain reasonable boundaries with.
6. Family. This is the least complicated. I have a brother who is 2 years older. I saw him and my parents yesterday for dinner and gifts. I see my brother maybe once a week. We get along but have little in common. My parents I see frequently, so really there is more than one celebration because I get to choose dinner places and such when I see them near my birthday.
My birthday is September 22nd (1986), and my brother is September 26th (1984). When we were kids, it was a bit hard because he's older but technically my birthday comes first each year. Now, we basically pick a day each that all 4 of us can attend. This may be before or after the actual date. It is only frustrating in that I normally see my parents twice a week: Thursdays and Sundays. This is just when my schedule makes it easiest to visit. When we add in my brother's birthday, I am expected to be there whenever he is available to celebrate (currently my schedule is less complicated). When I lived with my parents, this didn't matter at all.
Now, I live around 40 miles away from them. So going there is almost an hour each way and includes gas expense. My parents do help me financially as far as travel goes, but I really can only spend so much time with them before I go a bit crazy. With his birthday, I am seeing them 3 days this week (one day I see them is when I drive out there to see my therapist) so an extra 70-80 miles. I am cooperative with this because my brother should not be punished for my job and his job not working the same schedule. He has always been reasonable about this. It mostly means more driving.
Anyway, I hope you can see reading this that you can see that I have 1 birthday, but a lot of separate celebrations. To some this may seem great.. lots of being self centered and gifts. You may also see that for someone who is an introvert and who has difficulty with meals and who has difficulty with boundaries and with stress, this is really complicated and stressful.
Part of why I do not discuss my birthday with few people is that they likely will not understand that more attention and more public meals is hard on me. I enjoy most of these people but normally don't have to include them all within a week. Instead of enjoying the extra attention, honestly, right now I would like to cease to exist to others for some time and replenish my own energy.
Those who are extroverts or who enjoy lots of interaction never seem to understand that to others this is painful and stressful.
I am rambling, but I just want to attempt to explain that attention does not equal happiness. That a lot of happy interactions are not cumulative, but they rather require more energy and stress, In all, more attention does not equal more hapiness
Honestly, in some ways, I enjoy not being noticed at
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