A decent (?) day?

Today went pretty well. I've decided to write here more often (sorry if it's too much to read) because really I'm not being fully honest with anyone.

Anyway, I had a meeting at school at 9am. I went home after to take a nap.. mainly because I was not exactly 100% sober and I was exhausted. I stayed up too late and drank too much. I didn't really nap, but I laid in bed for a while, and that was nice.

I had to be back at school at 1:30, but I went a bit early because parking is easier before 1. I did some grading. I had one student who told me she was coming.. she came in and I said hi. I think she thought I didn't remember who she was, but really I was waiting for her to start talking. Normally, the students who care enough to come to office hours will start talking and rambling over whatever they're anxious about. Anyway, she sat down and I said she had questions about the lab report. She still looked at me weird, so I asked what they were.

Really, my students are worrying me this semester, though this is not unusual. I was grading quizzes, and it wasn't just that the answers were wrong. They made no sense. One I texted to a friend was "A non-competitive inhibitor work as place where it stored energy. It would not affect [the rate of reaction] at all since it would stay low".. The question was about how a certain class of inhibitors affect enzymes.. this made no sense. Plus, I had lots of students saying the substrate (what the enzyme works on) binds at the side or bottom of the enzyme... because clearly they are always facing the same direction. It does upset me because I teach them the correct information. I even went back and looked at their lab manual a few times to be sure it says what I thought it did. I guess they don't read the book.

So after that, I went shopping with L (the vampire who's boyfriend killed himself) at an outlet mall that's about 30-40 miles from where we live. It is a huge mall.. we walked probably almost a mile to go around it. We went to a lot of stores, but I only bought 2 shirts. I kept talking myself out of buying things. Sometimes I have difficulty spending money on myself.

We left and had dinner.. I was a bit annoyed because I ordered something that was a grilled chicken breast. The waiter asked to make sure that's what I ordered, but what I got was the roasted chicken which is bigger and has the skin on. I didn't feel like sending it back, so I picked it apart. I didn't come close to finishing all of it (and the fries that came with it), and I was only charged for the grilled chicken which costs less.

Then we went to a grocery store that has a lot of unique or organic foods. I really am not a fan of "organic" food because it takes more land and more resources. People who buy it tend to be opposed to genetic changes in crops, which can be bad but mostly are meant to develop food that can be grown in harsh environments. Pest resistant crops and such are important for developing countries that don't have the money and resources required to make an environment where some crops will grow. I admit it's a complicated subject, but I hate buying expensive foods that many people can't afford. That's rambling a bit.. I ended up buying some fruit and bread. I don't have much food in my apartment apart from frozen meals, and I know I should actually be eating fruits and vegetables.

I got home pretty late and drank half a bottle of vodka. I am still feeling depressed and I still keep thinking that I won't survive this semester. I feel like either the alcohol will kill me or I'll kill myself. I haven't actually called my sponsor in over a week. I saw her briefly Saturday. I do realize I am letting my frustration with some people at AA affect my desire/willingness to go to meetings. I keep thinking I'll call her, but I know that I am not sure I want to stop drinking. It's killing me but it keeps me sane.

So it was mostly a good day. I bought a sweater and a shirt. Thankfully tomorrow I can sleep late. I've been exhausted. I really doubt I'll ever be a normal functioning adult. I really dislike a lot of my life, and I can't imagine it getting better. So a good day but a very depressed mind.