A mid-week update

I could not think of a title. I will start with thanking those who have read my blog and given me feedback. Not just recently. It makes a huge difference in my mind to have people who support me and who understand. At times, I feel those who read this understand my life far more than those who know me in real life. So yes, thank you! It helps to hear any feedback because I feel less alone.

So last night I drank.. my log (now I use a computer notepad) said 11 shots. Don't know if this is accurate. I woke up and went to school around noon. Nobody came to my office hours, but I did some grading and dealt with some student emails.

Last night though, I actually had a dream of me calling my sponsor. I am not big on interpreting dreams. Even Freud, interprets certain dreams to represent a physical need (such as going to the bathroom). This I did see as a sign that maybe I should call her since I did see her Saturday but otherwise haven't communicated anything.

I survived the day teaching. It went ok. I left after and went to the liquor store. Then I went to the pet store for cat food. I seriously considered buying a pet rat. I realized this would mean buying a cage and finding space for it. Plus, I also have cats. I have not ruled out the possibility, but I am thinking about it.

After that, I showed up at the AA group. I sat around a bit and texted my sponsor to see if she was busy. I had messaged her earlier about the dream and my belief it was my mind recommending calling her. I brought up the occasions lately people had upset me: the woman essentially pointing out my relapse and being criticized by others for not eating with other members. She agreed that those situations were inappropriate. It was nice to hear that.

There was a woman who essentially (this is in the AA bitch post) pointed out my relapse in a meeting. My sponsor suggests having a conversation with her. I don't see this helping, but I may listen to my sponsor if she's there. We discussed some appropriate (but not always polite) way of responding to the other people.


We also talked about her life and some stuff going on with her daughter. It had to do with classes for the "gifted" which I was. I didn't remember the details, but I remember the process of being in a "gifted and talented" program.

Unlike my anorexics and bulimics sponsor, she told me these things as something she was excited about. It had nothing to do with me.

So today was better. I still feel hopeless and alone, but I have reached out by going to meetings and finally calling my sponsor. Yes, I drank, but I am trying. I am being social and outgoing. It really annoyed me that someone commented when I got to AA how I'm always smiling. I may smile, but I hope at least some that the smile is fake.

So I continue. I see my therapist tomorrow. Besides that, I have the weird distorted, addicted life I live. Much more complicated than some people. I'll write more tomorrow. I am definitely drunk

tomorrow