So I decided this evening that I hate when my therapist (or really anyone) asks if I'm suicidal and if I have a plan. The truth is, I'm always a bit suicidal. At least for the past couple years, death sounds good. Well really, death doesn't sound good, but life sounds bad. This is only a sort of background thought. I find myself saying "I wish I were dead" occasionally or just that I don't want to wake up. I guess this might not be normal?
Well, when my therapist asked if I had suicidal thoughts with a plan, my thoughts became drawn more toward suicide. Not wanting to do it exactly, but thinking about it and how I would do it. Thinking more on how alcohol might kill me and realizing that even though I assumed it would kill me, that may not be a quick enough death.
This is made a bit more complicated by something that happened last night. I don't remember what time this was, but I know I had already been drinking because I know I felt drunk. Anyway, I was sitting at my computer and heard tires squeal out in the parking lot... that isn't entirely unusual. Well, then I heard a definite crash. I hesitated for a moment, but then I went outside. I was barefoot but I went down the stairs and into the parking lot by my apartment building. I wasn't the only one. A few others from my building and others were walking out. I didn't see anything at first, but there was a parked car in front of another building that was clearly damaged. A lot of people clearly had no idea what happened but asked me if anyone was hurt. Someone was saying the guy who hit the car was drunk. It was unclear who it was.. someone said it was a guy who must have been nearby, others said someone drove off. Once I knew nobody was hurt and one of my neighbors had called the cops, I went back to my apartment. I had drinking to do.
So the thought of this drunk driver hitting a car outside my apartment made me think more about the whole alcoholism concept. I have driven slightly drunk before. I have not driven in the evening when I was drinking. I drink at home and usually only start drinking when I know I have enough alcohol for the night. However, I will drive in the morning when I am probably not 100% sober if I need to go to school.
I for a while tried to believe that I couldn't possibly be legally "drunk" at that time, but I do remember going into detox once and it was at least 10am when I got to the emergency room (most hospitals make you go through the emergency room to get to the psych ward). Anyway, I did not feel sober but this was confirmed later when the doctor commented that my blood alcohol was more than 0.1 in the ER and the legal limit is 0.08%.. so I hadn't had a drink since the night before and I was still "drunk" the next morning.
Today, I should have been at school at noon for a required class/group where students present journal articles. Well, i woke up at almost 11 and was exhausted and felt a bit drunk. I texted my friend that I wouldn't be there and went back to bed. I am not sure I slept much, but I didn't get out of bed until almost 2pm. I showered and dress and went to seminar (a professor or guest presents).
By then, I was fairly certain I was sober. I sat through seminar and then went to my parents house to celebrate my brother's birthday. Anyway, I keep thinking of my therapist's question about being suicidal.. and now that's complicated by the whole drunk driving idea
I need help. Help that I probably can't have. I need to do my job and try to manage work at school. Fuck being healthy. I don't see any option of me going to rehab, so that's why I see me dying of this. Maybe I'm wrong... and I need to be honest with my sponsor about this. Maybe I can get well. I just worry that physically this could be very bad. My shakes have gotten worse. I drank to hide them yesterday. Today I saw my parents only a bit so could hide my hands under the table. Still, I feel my face twitch now. I think my whole body is rebelling... so even sobriety is dangerous if I can't be in hospital. I am scared of so many things now. Tremors or seizures are scarier than death. How screwed up is that?
I can relate to that first paragraph a lot. Most of the time I don't feel actively suicidal, but more what I refer to as a passive deathwish, wishing I were dead or that I wouldn't wake up without actually making attempts.
ReplyDeleteIt's a worry that you drive not-completely-sober. Would it be worth getting one of those little cheap breathalyzers? They mightn't be 100% accurate but it'd give you a pretty good indication. I gave my brother a one as a prank gift years ago and he still keeps it in his car, it was around $20 I think.
I really hope you can find the courage to talk honestly with your sponsor about how bad things are. I wish I had some better suggestions but I don't know much about how the system works over there.
Thinking of you <3 xx
The hospital thing was over a year ago, and it really did scare me.. both the thought of driving like that and because it made me think about just how drunk I must have been the night before. Since then, I've missed church and occasionally class because I didn't want to drive drunk. I have thought about the breathalyzer but not bought one.
DeleteI am going to try calling my sponsor tomorrow. Today I was with friends or my parents and didn't have privacy to call. I'm hoping she might have suggestions. I do think she understands that dropping everything and going to treatment isn't a reasonable expectation. If nothing else, I know I need to be honest with someone about how bad things are. I am tired of hiding it.
Thank you