Anyway, I stopped drinking last Wednesday. I am not sure why I stopped... I just kept thinking about how miserable I was and how hard it would be to survive this semester. I was getting scared. So I stopped...
I had talked to my sponsor (well texted) about finishing my 4th step last week, and she had said she wanted it done by the weekend... well.. apparently she meant having my 5th step (admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs) done this weekend. She kidnapped me Saturday... I mean I went willingly, but I was not expecting her to keep me all day...
I went with her at 3 after the women's meeting. After picking up her daughter from the mall and dropping her off, she took me to her boyfriend's house since he was at work (she asked him first.. he's in AA too). We got through my resentment list, and she said that she needed to feed her younger daughter who had been home by herself for a couple hours (the other daughter went to a friend's house). She said the options were 1. she picked up her daughter and brought her to the boyfriend's house and we all would have dinner or 2. we'd go to the 8pm and 10pm meetings.
I didn't like either option. I said I was ok with picking up her daughter but probably wouldn't eat much. There was some debate about what we were eating. She ended up ordering chinese food, which was really not very good.. well mainly mine (kung pao chicken) had way too many mushrooms and stuff i didn't want. I ate some of it and some rice. I was honestly pretty embarrassed to be eating in front of her and her boyfriend. I'm weird eating around other people.
At like 9:30 (she was holding me hostage until the liquor stores closed at 9) she took me to get my car and I went home. I was pretty miserable... I didn't expect to do that all on Saturday, and I had really wanted to go to the liquor store. I ended up cutting when I got home.
After church and lunch with a friend, I met her Sunday to finish what we hadn't done saturday. This was mainly my fear list. It was.. weird. We kept getting distracted because we share so many of the same fears and stuff.. we talked about how almost everyone's inventory is very similar at least.
We finished.. and she started crying. She was saying that she knew I would get sober. She said something about being afraid there was something big we couldn't get past.. I don't know if this was based on knowing me or if this is every sponsor's fear. She asked if I left anything out, and I said no.
Anyway, at the end of the 5th step she said I could get rid of basically anything we wrote down during the 4th step. She asked what i wanted to do.. and we had discussed people burning theirs, and I do like fire (that sounds a bit psychotic but I think a lot of people are that way)... so I said we'd burn it.
I tore up everything I had and a couple sheets she gave me Saturday of notes she made.. mainly grouping resentments by things they affect and my part in them. We put it all in an ashtray.. AA has lots. She gave me a lighter. We did this in one of the extra rooms at the AA building. I am not sure we expected the fire to make as much smoke as it did.
I have pictures.
The first is soon after I lit it. It started escaping the ashtray.
Well, it kept burning.. and the goal was to burn every bit of writing.. I re-lit it a few times. Eventually, the smoke was making both our eyes water. My sponsor got a fan. Another woman came and mentioned (politely) it was going to make it hot during the next meeting, so we took it outside. The woman sat and talked to us, and she'd point out occasionally if there was still more writing. I kept stirring it and relighting it. Eventually the wind helped keep it lit long enough to get everything. This is towards the end.
After that, I was supposed to go meditate somewhere for an hour. I had no idea where to go. I certainly couldn't meditate in my apartment with my obnoxious cats.. so I went to school. I was intending to go to this chapel on campus.. I've never actually been. I couldn't even remember where it was, so I went looking. I ended up finding this garden on campus.. it was really pretty. I wandered around. I eventually found the chapel, but I wasn't sure if it was open, so I settled on the garden. Then.. I went searching for somewhere out of the sun and with as few ants as possible.
This was not really fun since I was dressed from church which meant long pants despite the heat and humidity and uncomfortable shoes. Anyway.. it was pretty. I managed to sit until I found an ant crawling on my arm. Then I moved elsewhere.
A photo
Well... I meditated and felt ok. Then Sunday night, I went to bed and felt terrified. I didn't know why, but I felt scared and couldn't fall asleep. i did think of a few things I didn't mention in the inventory.. but they're not exactly resentments or fears, so I don't know. I don't know if I skipped something or not. I don't know if maybe I'm just anxious because I ran out of my mood stabilizer.
Well, I made it through yesterday. Today, I went to a meeting at school and spent some time there. I wanted to drink. I've wanted to drink the past few days. I kept talking myself out of it since I have no reason. I am tired and stressed and not convinced I'll survive this year.
Today, I gave up. I went to the 6pm meeting, but I knew going into it that I wanted to drink. I didn't speak in the meeting. After it, I tried to leave and this one guy called me over. He commented on how he wants to hear me speak and joked about never hearing me speak. I did comment that I spoke a few times next week. I guess I haven't spoken in a meeting he was at.
i left though, and I bought vodka.. so after 6 days, I drank. I guess I'll pick up from there tomorrow.
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