Being a disappointment

Lately I feel like such a failure and a disappointment when I talk to certain people at AA. Not just there... around my family and around professors at school. A lot of places. I feel like so many people care about me and want good things for me, and I'm just digging a deeper and deeper hole for myself.

Today I went to my usual women's meeting at AA. Most meetings (sorry if I am repeating myself about this) I can tell everyone I'm fine or good or whatever, and I really feel like they believe me. Maybe they just don't argue, but I do have them ask every once and a while someone asks how long I've been sober. They seem legitimately surprised if I say just today or that I haven't been.

The other day I had at least one person tell me how I'm always smiling. This hurts and also is a relief. Even prior to the drinking, I have managed to convince people so many times that I'm ok. I even convince them I'm happy and outgoing. So many times I do this, but inside I know I'm miserable and suicidal and scared. And there's part of me that always wants someone to see through it and understand how bad things are.

Well, some women at AA seem to see through it. Maybe women are better at hiding and therefore better at seeing others hide. I hate that I never get to pass or listen because the leader (my grand-sponsor) will say I can pass for now and she'll come back to me. She'll come back to me and everyone stares at me.. my sponsor, her sponsor, and a few women who seem to have taken an interest in me. They mean well, but I feel like if I was honest they'd be disappointed or hurt.

Not only am I drinking, but I'm depressed and a little bit suicidal. This is made worse by how much people talk about suicide in AA. It's probably not that often, but it does seem to happen when I am not doing well. Today they called on me and all I could think of is to say I had a bad week and that some of that was my fault. I skipped meetings over resentments (which was awkward to say since one woman there was the biggest resentment). I chose unhealthy friends over meetings. Somehow sitting there, this all became clear.

There's one older woman who seems to really like me.. more so than others my age. She sits by me. She whispers/gossips to me during the meetings (which is fine since we dislike the same people). Today she brought me a yogurt parfait from McDonalds.. I had already had lunch with a friend, but I ate it anyway because it was nice of her and it would probably hurt her if I declined. She stares at me just like my sponsor does when they ask me to share. She hasn't been around in a few weeks, so I don't know how she thinks I'm doing. Does she see me shake? Does she see my fear? I can't bring myself to mention it.

After the meeting, I was talking to one guy who was hanging out at the group. He started complaining about his roommate who is another woman in AA. The two of them are the ones who tried to guilt me into eating at the group and have otherwise tried to guilt me into social situations at AA when I didn't want to.

At some point, my sponsor comes over and asks if I want to have some girls talk with her and a few others (her sponsor and one of her sponsor's coworkers and one other woman). Later I mentioned how it got me out of an awkward conversation, and she mentioned that I have a certain facial expression when trapped. It was funny and a good conversation.

I sat there wondering if they were all aware I'm doing so poorly. I mean.. I assume my sponsor's sponsor (grand-sponsor) is aware I haven't been calling my sponsor or that I've said at least once I was drinking. Yet, the woman never mentions that. She hugged me and said she was proud of me one day, and I couldn't tell why she would be proud of me.

My sponsor wanted me to go shopping with her or go over to her house. Besides the drinking, I am still so very tired of being around people. I could tell she was disappointed when I said no. I don't know if this is because she knew I'd drink or just because I said no. I keep worrying that she won't want to be my sponsor anymore, but I said something when we were talking after the meeting about dreaming I had a conversation with my sponsor and that I took that as a hint I should call her. She said something about it making sense or being understood that I should call my sponsor, so I guess she's still ok with this? I don't know. I feel like a failure.

The guy I had been talking to asked how long I had been sober and then asked what I was drinking over/about. I don't know the answer. I just know I'm unhappy and scared, and while drinking is the solution it is also the cause.

My sponsor still cares, and so do some other women. And it hurts. It hurts to be cared about when really I just want out of this pain and this life. It hurts to fail them and disappoint them. It hurts that they never tell me that I'm a disappointment. I almost want to quit AA so I don't have to think about others.. I don't have to really acknowledge people love me. I mean my parents love me, but I assume this is just the expected love of parents and child.. they have an obligation. People in AA and some of my friends have no requirement to love me, and it is so hard to believe that I have some qualities that make me worth loving. I know isolation would kill me, but it would be some relief to not have anyone else care about my existence. Nobody else to think about. And I know that's not possible, and that's what's so miserable.