So I slept ok last night despite not drinking. I did stay up until 2am, so that might be part of it. The last entry was a whole long thing about the dilemma involving my motivations for drinking vs not drinking. Mainly, my reason for not drinking largely has to do with the visible signs. My hands shake constantly now, and I get weird muscle twitches where my foot or leg will move. It is not really possible to hide anymore.. I try my best. So I didn't drink last night

I got up and since I couldn't get back to sleep went to the noon meeting. There were a lot more people than I expected, so I was really uncomfortable. My sponsor came in late and was sitting in some corner of the room that I couldn't see. I don't know why but it bothers me when she sits where I can't see her. I think I'm half afraid she's going to call on me from there or if someone else does I can't see how she reacts (it's pretty obvious when she doesn't approve of me not speaking).

The meeting finished and I was desperate to leave. I stuck around for a couple minutes until the crowd thinned enough for me to say hi and she gave me a hug. I didn't want to dart out without acknowledging her.

She asked what I was doing. I said I was probably just going home. She encouraged me to work on my fourth step. I got through another 20 items. Still putting off my parents because I know there will be a lot of resentments, and I think it will be uncomfortable. As it is, I get a bit angry doing this.

I decided at 2:30 or so I decided to take a nap. Didn't really fall asleep. Went to get up and really wanted to go to the liquor store. I texted my sponsor and started crying.. just crying. She texted back and said I'd be shaking or still drunk at school tomorrow. I said I only had a meeting tomorrow. I ended up settling on saying I was going back to bed. Went back until a bit after 5.

I got up feeling just as bad. I went to the kitchen because I knew I should eat. I couldn't find anything I wanted to eat. I got a coke zero and sat at my computer. I started crying again. It took me several minutes to even find motivation to open the coke zero. At this point I was also crying because I could see my messy kitchen from where I was sitting. I didn't want to go back to bed, so I sat on the floor in the little hall between my living room and bedroom.

My cat did not seem to approve of me sitting on the floor.. like he kept headbutting and nuzzling me and walking in front of me. I guess even by cat standards sitting on the floor and crying is not normal behavior. I decided to go to the liquor store. It took me some time to eat a granola bar and brush my hair. I sat around a bit to see if my sponsor responded to my texts because I didn't want her calling while I was driving.

I got there and thought I'd cry in my car. I settled on buying vodka and driving to AA. I got home at 9pm, and ate some and did schoolwork for tomorrow. I finally did start drinking.

I really am questioning ability to survive this semester.