Embarrassment

I finally did pick up the medication I wasn't taking from the pharmacy. It was really frustrating because I called Monday to get it filled, but they were having trouble verifying insurance (not just mine), and of course I called at 9pm so because of the insurance problem it wasn't done by the time I went to bed around midnight. I got it yesterday. I wasn't sure if I took it when I woke up this morning, but apparently I filled my weekly pill organizer and took it. I think I was blacked out.

Today started ok. I slept until after 10am because I didn't need to be at school until afternoon. Teaching went better than Monday. My Wednesday class works much faster although there was one group who had to repeat part of the experiment 4 times. I kinda felt bad because they were clearly frustrated, but it was their own fault. It's this annoying experiment that if they don't read/understand the procedure people tend to screw up. They did finally get it. I actually like all the students in my Wednesday class because they do try.

Well, I got done around 6, and I left to go to the liquor store and then get something to eat. Well, I get to the liquor store and my debit card isn't in my wallet. I used it to buy a soda at school, and I thought I put it back, but it wasn't there. My credit card was declined (maxed out). I went out to my car and searched my purse, backpack, and lab coat. No luck. I went back in and asked if they took checks, and at this point I'm anxious and embarrassed. I hate when my cards get declined.. especially for $7.

Anyway, the guy told me just to take it because he had already put it into the cash register.. or something. I was embarrassed, but I took the bottle. Now I'm not sure I can go back to that store again. I mean he probably thinks I'm really poor and can't afford a $7 bottle of vodka. In my defense, I have quite a bit of money in my bank account but not on my credit cards.

I did manage to make a payment on my credit card using my phone, which is good because I was almost out of gas in my car. I got gas and dinner and went to the 8pm AA meeting.

Another slight embarrassment yesterday, one of my AA friends showed up and wanted a couple of us to help her work on some math problem from her brother's homework. She had been trying to help him with it. Anyway, she didn't have any paper, so I went to get some from my backpack. Well, I also had a bottle of vodka in the trunk of my car in one of the paper bags they use at the liquor store. I'm sure if someone there saw it, they'd know what it was. So I tried to cover it with my purse while I got the paper and then with my backpack. I'm hoping she didn't notice. Honestly, I'm pretty sure she knows I'm not sober. I told her when I relapsed after my 5th step, so I think she knows I'm still drinking.

Going to meetings this week, I am also a bit embarrassed because I know I'm not sober and most people don't. I want to stop and yet I don't. I was having a lot of suicidal thoughts before the relapse, so part of me is scared of stopping. It's only a matter of time until my hands start shaking again, and then I really will have to face reality. Right now they don't shake, so I can convince myself I'm ok. I know I'm not ok, but at least I am functioning.