Things are pretty bad. I started drinking again on Tuesday. I've been drinking ever since.
Prior to that, last weekend I stopped taking my mood stabilizer because I didn't want to have to ask my parents (or anyone else) for money to pay for it. It's not expensive, but there's a yearly deductible for prescriptions that I think starts in september. So that would make it expensive. Then the past couple days I haven't been good about taking my anti-depressant in the morning.
The question is whether this is really self sabotage or I really just fail at being sober.
I've still gone to meetings. Thursday I didn't because I was at my parent's house. Friday, I went to a friend's house for dinner, so I only went to the 10pm meeting. It was about gratitude, and I really had trouble feeling grateful for anything. After the meeting, one of the guys wanted everyone to go to eat after. This particular guy... I have issues with. I feel like he really tries to cross boundaries and pressure me to do things. I really just wanted to go home since it had been a long day. He starts talking about gazelle.. and how it's the one on the outside of the herd that gets eaten. So not being involved in everything AA means I'll drink.. and.. I didn't say I was drinking again. I just don't think I'm on the outside either.. I go to AA pretty much everyday. I have a sponsor. I talk to people between meetings. I just would like to go home at 11pm and not go to eat.
Today was the 32nd anniversary of the founding of my home group. They had 3 speakers planned. My sponsor called around 11am and asked what i was doing. I said I was going to eat and then go to the meetings (1pm, 2pm, and 3pm). I ate and then went to listen to the speakers. At 4pm after the speakers, there was going to be a fish fry and various other food.
I went to leave at 4 to go home and a couple people I know asked if I was leaving. I said I don't like food and crowds, which is true. One said that staying in my comfort zone keeps me sick... and he may or may not be right, but I mean I was there for 3 hours.. which is not in my comfort zone.
So my issue is, why is everything I do in AA not enough? I average one meeting a day at least. I do talk to my sponsor and at least text other people in AA. I hang out after meetings a few times a week. I have on many occasions eaten with people from the group. I speak in at least a couple meetings a week (the gazelle guy claims he has never heard me speak but it's not my fault he's never been there on the many occasions I have).
And yet, I'm not sober.. so maybe they're right. I just hate not getting credit for how uncomfortable I make myself by going there. I am not leaving meetings early or trying to leave without speaking to anyone. I am not on the outside of the herd. I am just not sober. I am depressed and a bit suicidal and self destructive. I am using alcohol to self medicate and maybe replace the medicine I'm not taking.
So yes, there's a lot I'm doing wrong, but the couple people at AA really upset me because they give me no credit for how much I have done. It would be so much easier not to go to meetings at all. It might kill me.. but it would be easier. I wonder if maybe I hide how bad things really are... maybe they think I'm actually sober. Maybe nobody realizes that I'm struggling to just stay alive.
I'm rambling... but yeah.. not doing well.
It's nobody's job in AA to judge you (not even your sponsor's). Fellow AA's are meant to share their experience, strength, and hope, and that doesn't include calling you out for what THEY perceive to be your failings. You're going to plenty of meetings....going to more, or doing more AA things, isn't the key to internalizing the message. It's quality, not quantity.
ReplyDeleteSome people replace one addiction for another, and for many people, unfortunately, AA is the replacement addiction. Keep coming back, and fuck the haters.
I know that they're just trying to be helpful, but geez. Staying in our comfort zones might keep us sick but it also keeps up sane. 3hrs is a massive time to be there for. It's the small steps that add up, not just suddenly jumping head-first out of your comfort zone and staying there.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry there are a couple of people who give feedback that makes you feel that way, like nothing you do is ever enough. Because I think you're doing really well for even getting to the meetings and trying to stay in the right mindset and be aware, even if you're not sober yet. There needs to be a "well done for staying three hours", not just negativity. You're right, it would be so much easier to not go to the meetings, but would it be worth it? Please don't let the few negative nellies at AA discourage you, because you and I both know you're really trying.
<3
xx
Thank you. Yeah, I feel like with the depression and anxiety, suddenly doing a bunch of things that make me uncomfortable could be a bad idea. I'm having trouble just coping with the things I have to do. There are some people who give me credit for what I have done, but unfortunately they're less obnoxious and persistent as the ones who want me to do even more.
DeleteIt is definitely worth going to meetings. I have told some of the people that I feel like if I stopped going, I wouldn't come back. They always talk about people going out and dying, and I feel like sitting in the meetings keeps me from going completely insane. At least going keeps me honest. There's a few of the men who have been sober 20+ years who really give me credit for showing up. I think because they're the ones who know what happens to the ones who don't go to meetings. And showing up and talking is definitely out of my comfort zone, but I think some people don't realize that.