Fear and denial

I have in the past been pretty good at denying that drinking was a problem or denying the severity of it. This was much easier because it was a lot harder to keep drinking when I was funny aware of how bad things are.

Now... I frequently try not to think about how bad things are, but I've reached a point where I can't deny it.
1. My hands are always shaking during the day. I can sometimes minimize it or hide it by keeping my hands in my pockets or not holding things in front of others who can see them shake. So if, for example, I want to show someone a picture on my phone, I will set the phone down in front of them. If I hold it, it shakes.
2. It's not just my hands and mild tremors. Sometimes my whole arm or leg will twitch. I hide this by curling up on the sofa rather than sitting. I rest my arms against something to help keep them still
3. I did have a debate about the whole eyelid twitch problem. I wasn't sure it was visible or if I could just feel it. I can definitely feel it, so I can't deny that. It is VERY annoying. I've had twitching problems in the past if I was tired or had too much caffeine. So today I sat and stared into a mirror, and it's visible at times.
4. My memory is terrible. I can manage this more if I write things down, but I still find myself checking my sent emails or deleted emails and trying to remember who I have had different conversations with. It's easier not to have unnecessary conversations than to have them multiple times. I may seem forgetful, but if I am telling people every story or thing twice.. it may be suspicious.

So even my alcoholic brain can't pretend these aren't bad symptoms. Especially since this starts almost as soon as I get up.. it's not after prolonged sobriety and withdrawal. I find myself searching online for physical consequences alcoholism. There's a lot. These are not medically "severe" consequences. The tremors should go away when I've been sober for a week or two. Supposedly, the memory problem gets better once you're sober.. that depends a bit on how long I keep drinking. I guess eventually the damage is permanent

So here is the fear, it is not those symptoms that I am afraid of. I am afraid of what these imply. They mean that I am having withdrawal symptoms. Things I've read said withdrawal can start a few hours after the last drink, but that is mostly in severe cases. The worst withdrawal symptoms are within the first 2-3 days of sobriety, and if things are this bad after less than 24 hours... what do the next couple days include? And I am not talking mild tremors. They are very obvious. Today I noticed it pointing at things while teaching.. and I can't tell if my students notice or if they would have any idea that it's alcohol related.

So yes.. I have obvious physical symptoms. What scares me is that I am not sure that if this happens within 24 hours, what happens after that? Do I need to worry about seizures? Hallucinations? I have had days that felt dream-like.. everything feels distant.. and I wonder if that has to do with the disorientation and confusion that can come from withdrawal. It's probably been a month or two since I've gone more than 1-2 days without drinking. What happens after that? DTs can happen after 48 hours. Will I face that?

From what I have read, withdrawal is not predictable. You can drink heavily and not have big problems. You can drink for a short period of time, and have severe problems. I have had tremors and high blood pressure before, but never seizures or hallucinations. But.. since I last detoxed, I have continued drinking heavily.

This would not be so scary if I was in rehab or hospital where I was given medication for detox. I have detoxes many times by being given Librium and slowly weaned off it. I don't have librium now. I don't have anything really to take.. so if I stop now it would be just cold turkey. Suddenly stopping all drinking. And.. I haven't done that much. Plus, I live alone.. so in the hospital even if not given librium regularly, they checked my blood pressure and watched me and talked to me and fed me. At home, I don't have that. I am required to be at school several days a week. I see my parents twice a week. So on those occasions, someone might notice something wrong. If I am at home, nobody could know what happens.

So, yes, I'm scared. I failed at calling my sponsor, and in my defense I was at school from 9am to 7:30 pm with no privacy. I considered texting her, but I think this topic could not be adequately described that way. I went to the 8pm meeting (after the liquor store) but I didn't have anything to say. I don't trust a lot of people enough to tell them all this. Some people would probably push rehab, but really that is not a valid option. Some people understand that my insurance and income depend on teaching and being at school. If I lose insurance, not only can I not afford rehab, but I also can't pay for my medications or doctors' appointments. Me going without medication would make things a lot worse.

So my goal is to call my sponsor tomorrow. I don't know if she can really give advice, but she has known a lot more alcoholics than I have. And maybe some of that gives her more insight than I have. I don't know... but I know I should tell her. And I really am scared to just stop drinking. I could slowly reduce my drinking, but really that isn't likely to work. I have proven many times that the alcoholism and a bit of OCD make it very hard to change my intake.