Shit shit shit shit shit

I swear.. this whole hospital thing seemed all reasonable last night the way I planned it. Now it's become much more stressful and confusing.

I saw my therapist. It took a while to explain that I am not just going for medical detox. I am going so I can be safe since the depression and thinking has gotten so bad, and drinking/not drinking complicates it all. She finally got that. Then she starts asking what I will do when I get out to make things different. She wants me in a sober living facility. That is not going to happen quickly. She wants me to stay with friends.. that is reasonably safe but not productive. I would like to go back to my apartment but basically spend my time at school and at AA. She doesn't seem convinced, but I see no sense in making concrete plans before I even go.

Then the question came up of where. She really has no advice or recommendation. She does understand that going in on the weekend is a lot more complicated.

I didn't tell my mom. I called my sponsor.. she didn't seem to like the going Monday part of the plan. She asked where and I kinda explained some preference. She couldn't talk long.

I realized tomorrow in addition to going to school, I need to sort out rent and bills since tomorrow is the 1st. That adds more to the plan.

I had dinner with my mom and brother. I had hoped to go to part of the 8pm meeting, but my mom kept talking and talking. I got there around 8:45. I didn't recognize any cars, but I went in to look. They actually had finished the meeting early. A guy there (who I've only met once) asked how I was doing and I said not well. He asked if I wanted to talk.

This was a weird conversation. I haven't seen him much, so explaining that I managed some scattered days of sobriety but then relapsed completely was hard. He mentioned the key is meetings daily. I explained i had been going pretty much daily (5-6 days a week but at least 7 meetings). I did explain I had been doing 2 a day but gone back to 1 a day, but there is no strict correlation between number of meetings and sobriety.

I explained the hospital plan. I explained it was not the drinking as much as being self destructive and suicidal. He thought I should go right then. I said no. I admit some of my excuses were bad. He kept talking about willingness and honesty, and at least the other guy with him understood and he got it eventually that I have made a lot of changes in the past 3 weeks. That I have been listening to my sponsor. I have been listening in meetings.

He asked about my insurance. He leaves the room suddenly and comes back and asks for the card. He walks out and then asks my birthday and various other information. Clearly he is talking to some place about treatment. I'm a little terrified. I did talk to the other guy about a place he had been, and that I was interested in. I got some answers.

The guy comes back and he's called this one place that is a residential treatment center. I explain I can't go to a 30 program because I need to start work. He says I won't have a job if I'm dead.. and he has said he's been to friend's funerals who died of this disease. I didn't want to decide tonight. I said I'd call my sponsor. The two guys talked to me until almost 10 even though the building is supposed to be locked at 9:30. I could tell they cared (that made me cry). He explained how one guy in the program had paid for him to stay in a motel on weekends and the rest of the time he slept at AA. People bought him food and cigarettes. It was nice to hear that people have gone to great lengths for other people, so I feel less guilty.

He also went on about how the answer is meetings. When I called my sponsor, I was saying I don't know if this means I should just do meetings or go to the hospital. She's on board with hospital still. She thinks I should go tomorrow afternoon. I did explain what needed to be done first, and she seems realistic.

My sponsor is going with me to school to deal with classes. I will do financial stuff myself. I am meeting another AA friend in the afternoon for either a meeting or to just hang out. I said I wouldn't go to the 8pm meeting because I hate the woman speaking and might murder her. We discussed how a person's character is considered in our state and sometimes it's worth it (joking).

I picked a treatment center. The one I talked to the other guy about specifically says they have a protocol/program for co-occurring disorders (as in addiction plus mental health) and everywhere else I've been have been one or the other. It looks like a good place. It is nearby. It has IOP and other programs, so if I decide to do that once out of IP there's options. They take my insurance and the guy said will work on payment plans for the rest.

The guy from AA called my sponsor at some point I guess because when I got home she called me. I don't know what exactly he said, but she said he mentioned I had expressed willingness. We talked.. she asked about needing help with school and she and the other girl figured out the schedule. She said to pray about where. I didn't really pray much. I just looked at the site and it all made sense.

1. I will go to school with her tomorrow afternoon to figure out classes
2. I will pay bills
3. I will call this treatment center and see if they'll call my insurance. If they get approval, I might even be able to go in this weekend
4. I will ask about what I can bring/wear. They say no pants with drawstrings on the website, but I need to know about bras with underwires. I refuse to be bra-less, but I don't have any without wires that fit.
5. If I go tomorrow, I will give my AA friend my apartment key and move food and cat litter near the door, so it's easy for her to feed them.
6. If I don't go tomorrow, I'll probably tell my parents so I can leave my cats with them (preferred option but I am not going just randomly deliver them)
7. Only when everything is sorted, I'll finish the plan.

I texted my sponsor. She says cool, and that she and 2 other girls are there to help. I am not making more decisions tonight. It does sound like I won't go in until at least tomorrow evening. I would prefer Monday, but I am not making a firm decision.

I am incredibly freaked out.. though the vodka is numbing the feeling. I just have the nagging thoughts, but this feels right.