I hate myself

I was going to title this "I'm a shitty human being" but I already have one called "Shitty human being" so I decided to be different

I hate how drinking leads to hating myself, and hating myself leads me to drink. It's become an endless cycle. Lately, the depression seems deeper than it was. My self esteem is disappearing.

I'm going through the motions I guess.. I am going to AA at least 5 days a week. I have cut back to one meeting most days. The 8pm meeting gets in the way of the drinking. I have gotten bad about texting rather than calling my sponsor.

 I am on step 4 now.. I actually texted her last week about meeting (we met yesterday) about step 3 because I couldn't manage the last assignment. Apparently, she wants to make a "god box" now at someone's house because he has lots of supplies (like spray paint apparently). She was going to find a time.. we talked and read through step 3 in the twelve and twelve (12 steps and 12 traditions is the actual title. AA people just say 12 & 12). I started crying at some point and couldn't explain why.  She just sat there and held my hand.. I hate not having a reason. She had us pray with some other women. In the end of the meeting, she gave me a pen inherited from my grand-sponsor (her sponsor) and gave me the 1st step 4 assignment.

I'm doing a list of people, places, and things I resent. Just that for now.. I looked online and there's a resentment list and a fear list. So far this fill 1 side of a piece of college ruled paper. I'm not done, but I needed a break.

Today was rough. I blacked out last night. There's always some time spent wrapping my head around this fact in the morning because my brain argues about it. I think I remember going to bed. Today clue 1 occurred at around 7am. I woke up and went to the bathroom and found vomit on my shirt. My still drunk brain's solution was to take off the shirt and go back to bed. I got up around noon and went to find out what I vomited on.. the couch apparently. I cleaned most of it up except one of the cushions/pillows that goes along the back. I'm seriously tempted to throw it out. I might be able to wash it, but I'm more tempted to just throw it out. I also found a plastic bowl that I was going to take to AA to hold candy was now broken.. so I'm guessing I fell? but I haven't noticed many bruises. Oh and half a plate of waffles with syrup on my desk.. and half a starburst candy (not half the package, half of one).

I threw away the waffles and ate the starburst this morning. I also had a glass of skim milk and 2 of water. I could not convince myself to eat. I really didn't try that hard. I ended up sticking peanut butter crackers and a little thing of almonds in my purse, and getting some G2 gatorade to take to AA. I drank 2/3 of the gatorade so around 50 calories, but I never at the other things.

I got to AA around 4:30. The meeting is at 6, but I was going to work on stuff there. The meeting and time before were.... interesting. There's a guy that's banned because last week, he was caught masturbating outside the building. My sponsor caught him and thought this was the funniest thing ever. He was right outside a window She called some guys into the back room (she was there with a sponsee) and told them she needed to show them something. So he wasn't allowed back.. I think this was Friday

Except he was back today. He's crazy, and I don't judge him for that. He's also incredibly annoying, and that does bother me. I came in and he was there, and I texted my sponsor he was back. She advised me to leave, but by the time she responded he was in the back room with some other people, and I had headphones and music, so it was ok. He did try to talk to me but only brief questions because I didn't always respond. Around 5:15 a few others show up including 2 of the guys that were there when he got kicked out. They kicked him out again. He said he'd been in a psych ward, but from the conversations I had heard, he was still crazy. He said he'd spoken to many attorneys about it... which either means he called a bunch randomly or he's making that up. There's another woman who I think is homeless. She might be sober but is also crazy. Part of what she mentioned in the meeting is that she hasn't bathed in weeks but she put on clean underwear 5 days ago. There was a woman who had spoken about her kids being taken away, and the crazy woman talked about how she got hers back but they're ungrateful and one kicked her out even though she has nowhere to live. It was really inappropriate, and she got upset when she was interrupted after 5 minutes of ranting about random things.

I honestly went in planning to stay for the 8pm meeting, but I was hungry and really stressed by people at that point. I drove to the liquor store and spent at least 10 minutes debating going in. I did. I had the oh so logical thought that I threw up last night because of the brand of vodka I bought. I knew it made no sense after I thought it, but I still bought another brand.

So I was sitting drinking and watching tv and generally hating myself, when my sponsor called. I answered and she asked how I was doing. I said ok. She asked what i was doing, and I was honest. She hesitated and said she had wanted to tell me not work on step 4 when I was drinking. I understood that she expected that I would be drinking/drunk. I had expected that I shouldn't work on it drunk, so it's in my car. I almost apologized but logically knew I did not/should not need to apologize to my AA sponsor for drinking. I had texted her this morning that I had drank the past 4 days. Her response was that she thought so but thank you for telling her. I had also told her at the meeting that I burned myself last night (I did) because apparently if I'm drunk and the lighter is there... so when she called she advised me to throw any lighters I had off the balcony. I have not done so yet.. but mostly because I'm lazy and have just left the lighter on my desk.

I was sure she knew when I left at 7 where I was going. All she did was hug me and say that she loves me, which still hurts like hell. I wanted to text to apologize. I didn't. I wanted to text and ask if she thinks i'm hopeless. I didn't. I know if she thought that, she wouldn't be pushing me through the steps. I think I'm hopeless. I think I'm worthless. Hearing this from another person would be the death of me, so I'm scared to even ask if I'm sure she'll say no. I cried a bit.. and now I'm here.

I will go to the damn meeting tomorrow. I will work on my 4th step. I WILL call my sponsor tomorrow and not just text. I really am making an effort, but I just can't stop.