Not doing well

I have not had any alcohol since Monday, so that is one positive.

I desperately want to drink, though. I think about it a lot. I texted my sponsor a bit today, and I did see her at a meeting, but didn't actually speak to her. I didn't make any phone calls like I am supposed to. I had planned to go out grocery shopping with a friend from AA after the 8pm meeting, but I cancelled. My depression is just very bad. Partly, I wanted to go shopping alone so I could pick up first aid supplies.

Since the drinking stopped, the self harm has started again. I have cuts on both legs, a few burns on my stomachs, plenty of places I've picked at my skin, and a few where I've (intentionally) scratched hard enough to leave a mark.

I've also been playing with my medicine. I did finally tell my sponsor about this on Monday. Some days it was Klonopin and Librium. Some it was Klonopin and Trazadone. Never more than 1 or 2 of anything, but it is tempting. I spent a bit longer than I should staring into the Klonopin bottle yesterday. Tonight I can't sleep, and I laid in bed wondering what would happen if I took the rest. I wonder if I took all the trazadone (I have quite a few). I wondered if I took all of both and some seroquel. Basically contemplating overdoses.

I fins myself praying not to wake up. I find myself wondering when sobriety will start sounding better than drinking myself to death. It's hard to really see things getting better when part of me just wants out. Still part of me doesn't want to upset anyone. Now that people in AA know me better, I worry that they'll be upset if I "go back out" (disappear and relapse) or if I die. I wish I'd never gotten involved.

I have thought briefly about going into the hospital until the suicidal thoughts pass.. but I don't do well in psych wards. I always end up either self harming or restricting or purging or some combination of those. I wish there was somewhere that they didn't make me go to group therapy. Where I could see a psychiatrist and maybe a therapist, and then I could be left alone to rest. I don't think there's anywhere like that.

I do see my therapist this afternoon. I did tell my sponsor I'd try to get an appointment with my psychiatrist soon (my next appointment is at the end of August). I'm also supposed to go check on my parents' dog since they're out of town, and there are several liquor stores near their house.

It's all just too much. I am debating calling my sponsor (at a more reasonable time of morning) and telling her I'm worried about going near liquor stores. I'm debating buying liquor. I'm debating going to AA tomorrow or finding some excused to stay home. During the 6pm meeting today I wanted desperately to curl up on the floor. It's a grounding thing I guess.. the floor is more comforting than chairs. I ended up going out to my car and crying between meetings because I didn't want anyone to see or talk to me.

Just too much