Shitty human being

Yesterday was bad. I was supposed to meet my sponsor at 5. I got ready early and went to the liquor store and then to get lunch.

We meet and read through step 2 (came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity) and talked a bit. There were several things (including the vodka in my car) I neglected to mention.

The 6 pm meeting pissed me off, but I'm on my phone and don't feel like typing all that. So when a couple people get there, I convinced them to go to an 8pm meeting somewhere else. During all that, I text my sponsor about the fact that I've been cutting and taking more meds than prescribed.

Well, she shows up at the meeting. It was a rough meeting. A story from the big book. I underlined this part "If I were to go back to drinking, it would be just a matter of time before one of two things happened: I'd succeed at suicide, or I'd the start the life of the living dead. I'd seen what the latter looked like, and real death was preferable"

My brain stuck on that. I started crying and debated sitting on the floor of the bathroom, but the meeting was almost over.

After the meeting my sponsor was talking about the story. I made the mistake of telling her about the vodka but then deciding on the way back to keep it.

That was no easy task. I told her I just wanted to keep it and just go home. She wanted me to talk to her. This was largely me crying and refusing to make eye contact. I talked about feeling empty and desperate and wanting to drink or cut or overdose. I was honest.

I eventually said I wanted to leave and she said she wouldn't stop me. It felt like the worst thing I'd ever done. She was so nice. Not judgmental. 

I drank the bottle and stayed in bed until 3pm today. Now I'm at the AA building. My sponsor is coming at some point. My brain still isn't really working. I don't think I'm sober yet, and I still hate myself.