AA

The only meeting I currently attend regularly is a Saturday afternoon women's meeting. I don't think it's the only women part that makes me comfortable there (though it is a part). Mostly it's relatively small (less than 20) meeting and it's predictable. There are 4-5 people who are always there. Several more are there frequently.

Also, compared to a lot of meetings everyone has a chance to talk. I've been to meeting where the leader would call on specific people and not just let people talk.

The one problem is that everyone has a chance to talk. The leader is a former teacher and makes a seating chart. She will let people volunteer to share but then will call on anyone who doesn't share. She will run the meeting for more than the usual hour to give us time.

Well, I stopped sharing a few weeks ago. I haven't really told them I'm drinking still, and it feels wrong to share without being honest about that. It is also terrifying to even think of sharing that because I know they'll want me to do things and try to stop or make me talk to them, etc

Well, I didn't share during the meeting today, and was then cornered by one of the girls there. She asked me what was wrong and if I could sit down and talk to her. I told her the truth. I said I'd been drinking a lot. I said my psychiatrist wants me in rehab but money is an issue.

She said there are still places I could go. We were then joined by another woman and I had to explain it again. She was asking how they could help. Saying I can hang out with them if I need to and they can drive me places and to meetings if I was drunk.

Then we were joined by a 3rd woman. She started telling me about some children's home place that does counseling and life skills and it's free. She went on and on about it. The other 2 started asking if I wanted them to drive there with me and get information. They would do whatever it took to keep me from just going home and shutting the world out.

Then another woman came over. She is really the sweetest, weirdest woman. She actually lost 2 of her daughters to addiction. She really likes me. She always wants to sit by me and talk to me. She's been upset that I haven't been sharing.

She came over, and thankfully one of the girls already there explained what was going on because I was really sad and anxious at this point. The woman said next week she'd have a list of ideas for me and talked about some other places.

At this point, my brain was turned off. I've had therapists tell me I dissociate when things are scary or difficult or if I'm cornered and questioned. Not dissociate like multiple personalities, but my brain switches off. This has happened since I was a teenager. I learned to switch my brain off so lying was easier. Back then I'd just stare at the carpet in silence. Now I can talk, but it's like everything is far away or separate from me if that makes any sense. My brain feels detached.

I did tell them about staying with my friends, but I ended up saying I just wanted to go home. I was way too overwhelmed at this point. There ideas might be helpful, but it was too much to process today.

I've honestly been wondering if I could go into a hospital for a few days to detox without telling my parents. I realize that's a very unhealthy idea. I would really prefer not to go into a hospital or rehab. Some of them understood that I'd had so much treatment already. I've been in a psych ward 8-9 times. That's not including rehab or residential for bulimia. It's not including my attempts at various partial hospital or IOP programs.

I always go back to how I was before when I get out. Maybe not immediately, but I've been in so much therapy that I know everything they're going to tell me. I know all the skills I'm supposed to use. I know all about relationships and boundaries. I think the depression always comes back and so do the behaviors that help with it.

So I will talk to my friends. I will look up the places mentioned. I will keep an open mind, but today I just want to sit at home alone.