Honesty and mango

Wrote a little earlier on my phone, but I decided to start over.

So this morning I was a bit braver than yesterday. I emailed my friend who I had talked to about staying at their house. It was less brave than calling, but I did say I would talk to them Sunday. That gave me time to see my therapist for her opinion.

Whenever he or his wife have asked how things are, I have shrugged or said not good.. or I tried good except the drinking, which he said at the time was a big "except."

I haven't been honest. They haven't asked how much I'm drinking, and I don't willingly volunteer that to people. In the email I was honest. I even told my therapist I know I'm drinking a dangerous amount. Even I have admitted that to myself.

I had told him yesterday that Tuesday was a rough night but not explained and he didn't ask about it. Only asked how he could help. So in the email I explained what I did here yesterday all of the weird stuff in the apartment. I had seen him before I saw the ice in the freezer.

I also saw him before the scratches on my side now cover a nasty purple bruise. That freaked me out a bit this morning. That might have been the motivation to email him.. I don't know. It does make me realize it was a hard fall.

So I talked to my therapist and explained it. I told her how much I've been drinking too. She thinks staying with my friends is a good plan. She asked about the detox meds and how much I have. It's enough for like 3 days. Plus one of my other meds is also anti-seizure. I have klonopin too, which helps with the insomnia. She asked about a blood pressure cuff and says she has one I can borrow if I need to. I don't know if I'm going to do that or just go take it on one of the machines at the grocery store. I might be able to steal/borrow one from school, but that's a lot of effort.

So she is ok with me taking the old meds. She knows the doctor who prescribed them. Actually, it was her idea to try at home that time. She also said it made sense not to throw away something I paid for. I think we've discusses me hoarding meds before.. but I once paid for 3 months of a not inexpensive medication, was taken off it, gave/sold it to a friend who takes it (is prescribed it), and then put back on it a few months later. I spent almost $80 on one month's worth of meds tonight on the way home, and that's with good insurance. It makes me want to stop taking them sometimes.

Then I got to go see my parents for dinner. They are clueless as ever. By then I was feeling sick, it's actually mostly allergies.. or possibly a cold. But this means my nose is running and my stomach feels gross (drainage).
I took more than 30 minutes to manage 2 pieces of plain toast this morning because I felt sick. Lunch I had the brilliant idea of skipping and buying this

Which was disgusting. I started drinking it right before therapy and kept reading the ingredients trying to figure out what made it taste so weird. I never was quite able to figure that out. I managed half (which was 200 calories and 15g protein so something at least) but that didn't really help my stomach feel better. We ended up going to this mexican place, which was better than the mango thing at least. It's annoying because I've had the chocolate protein one and a strawberry breakfast shake. Those were good. It might be that the 2nd ingredient was carrot juice and I HATE carrot juice.

That was off topic I guess. There have been several days where I skip lunch and buy something like this before therapy. I ate lunch last week at this one fast food place, and one of the employees now remembers my name.. so that's not happening again any time soon.

My therapist is out of town next week. Is it bad that I'm kind of relieved? Therapy is stressful and annoying at times. My therapist is always a bit too cheerful and optimistic these days. Actually she always is unless she's pressuring me to go to treatment. Currently pushing for a sober living house, and I'd prefer spending money on treatment than that. That's enough for another entry, so I'll stop.