Hiding, asking for help, and avoiding people

I've been updating a lot because I have a lot on my mind, and I also realize I've been posting some negative/scary things about suicidal thinking and dangerous drinking.. so maybe I ought to let people know I'm still alive if they read those things

So obviously I'm alive. Last night was really rough. I tried going to bed at around midnight. I took my normal meds and a klonopin. I could not fall asleep. Around 2am I got up and took a couple trazadone. Eventually I fell asleep. I had cut yesterday so my leg itched like crazy so that wasn't helping matters. When I can't sleep my mind goes to pills and suicide. What could I take, what would happen, and how it might affect people.

I woke up between 10 and 11. I looked at my phone and find a text from a friend to check facebook because this girl I knew from eating disorder support groups had died. Not the best way to wake up.

I feel really bad.. the posts are unclear as to if it was ED related or an accident. Something about passing out in the bathtub or slipping. My guess is either way it's ED related. She has been really working at recovery the past couple years. The problem is her body was so far gone. Lately she was scheduled for reconstructive jaw surgery because the bone was crumbling. She has been in a nursing home at points because of her fall risk and osteoporosis. She was such an amazing person, and she had fought so hard.. it definitely sucks. I hadn't seen her in several years but was in touch on facebook. She was always sweet and funny

I had therapy today and was supposed to go check on my parents' dog because they're out of town. Going to their house involves going to an area with a lot of liquor stores. I called my sponsor before I left. She said to come get her and she'd go with me. This was way more than my brain could handle. I was expecting her to want me to call her. She pointed out I had asked for help.. I think I've progressed to where I can ask for help but not to where I can take it. Plus, I wasn't just going there.. I had therapy so she'd have to sit around and wait.. and mainly that was too much human contact

I went to therapy. I pretty much curled up on the couch. She ask if I'd talked to my friends about staying with them and I explained my friend thought I should pursue treatment and that I dropped the issue after that. I explained about getting a sponsor and reducing drinking.

I also explained about the cutting and the suicidal thoughts. She's known me long enough not to panic. She was asking about what this might be covering up. We talked about school and jobs and basically I said it was all too much to think about. She could tell I was exhausted, so we're dealing with it more next week. When I said I wanted to drink, she said I still could. Not encouraging me too, but mostly I guess implying it would not be the end of the world if I did. I had explained how much I just wanted to shut down.

So I left and went to my parents house. Convinced the dog to go outside even though it had rained and the ground was wet. She looked at me pretty pathetically. She went out. When she went back in, I gave her a cookie and spent some time petting her. She is a very anxious dog, and I don't think she likes being home by herself (well her and the cat). I sat with her and talked to her before leaving. My brother is checking on her tonight, and I go again tomorrow.

She's really quite crazy. She has lived with my parents for 7-8 years, and she still sleeps under the bed, which is not that weird until you consider her size.

 She really does love the yard when it's nice out. You take her outside to pee or to brush and she ends up lounging and ignoring you.

This is her cave under my mom's desk. It's actually progress because it's hiding behind people and not just under the bed. We are now less scary than storms.

I did buy vodka on the way home. I am drinking it. I did go to an AA meeting at 6. Apparently I have no attention span today, so I only went to one. I didn't text/call my sponsor about drinking. I just want a night off from thoughts. I bought a liter and plan to drink just half tonight. It's in a glass bottle (same brand) which is weird. So used to plastic bottles since it's so cheap.

Odd food accomplishments the past week. I have bought yogurt. I am eating yogurt and granola, which is one of my favorite foods. Tonight I ate a raspberry yogurt. When I was deep in ED, I only ate vanilla. Even after, I had convinced myself I didn't like any fruit flavors. I challenged this and enjoyed the result. I bought normal milk. I had been buying organic, not because of it being organic (there are reasons I oppose that) but because it expires later. I bought this assuming I might actually drink it before it expires.

I did microwave a meal for dinner. It was awful. I've had yogurt with granola and a few crackers. I will probably eventually have to eat real food.

I am avoiding my sponsor. I am avoiding speaking to anyone at AA except a couple men. In general, women are encouraged to call other women for support. I can talk to these guys before meetings, but it's never deep conversations. One is very cute. Otherwise I avoid people or bolt as soon as possible. Today I bolted. I need a break.