AA Bitch

I will preface this by saying that this woman was not wrong in facts she stated.. mostly. It more has to do with the critical judgmental way she did it and the fact that she clearly wasn't listening to what I said. Plus, she is also a bitch for much more obvious reasons which I'll add at the end.

I went to the 6pm AA meeting at my home group. My sponsor had said she'd be there, she wasn't, but I probably would have gone anyway. I'm supposed to be doing some step-work for her, and not succeeding (add that at the end). The topic basically ended up being step 3 "Made a decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of God, as I understood him" and that's the step I'm working toward with my sponsor.

So they decided to just go around the room rather than having people randomly share.. that's the only reason I shared.

What I basically said is: That now is the 2nd time I've stalled between steps 2 and 3. Step 2 is "Came to believe in a power greater than myself that could restore me to sanity". In my mind I have always read this as "a power that will restore me to sanity". I know that's not an accurate interpretation, but I said it is based on doubt. I've had an off and on relationship with God (didn't get this detailed) but for the past 4-5 years I've been pretty consistently praying and large amounts of that time going to church every sunday. I own at least 5 bibles (I have a bible buying problem). I have read it. I have the bible on my phone that I still read.

The issue is that in that time and in previous times of belief, I have asked God to remove my depression or my eating disorder or my drinking. I've asked for understanding of why he doesn't. I don't feel I have gotten either, so I have doubts that via the 12 steps I will be restored to any sort of sanity. I have doubt I will have a spiritual awakening.

And having doubt in my belief of being restored to sanity or receiving a spiritual awakening or in fact any relief, makes it hard to choose to turn my will and my life over to him. I said I know my will isn't good, but this is the difficulty. I said I know this logic is flawed, but that it is the result of my life experience.


Well, AA bitch started on how step 2 only asks us to "believe in a power greater than ourselves. Period." and step 3 is just a choice (duh). It is only "change our brain". She equated this to choosing to drink coffee being us controlling our brain and there was another dumb example. She then went on about how she believes in the Bible and how God has led her through this and that in her life, and she has never doubted his presence with her.

I never said doubting his presence or existence. I believe in that. It is my ability to see or use his will rather than mine. Mine comes from my brain. I cannot turn my brain into God. That makes no sense. There has to be some work of God's involved. Some change in me. That is my trouble.

Anyway, she said a lot of this looking directly at me, so I know this was aimed at me and what I said. I never said the steps should be read differently (though I believe she oversimplified it), but that my mind has a flawed logic.

I've never liked this woman. She thinks she knows everything. She has been a chaplain, so she has a holier than thou way of speaking. Plus, the other day she said something about one of her daughters being a lesbian and how she doesn't approve of that way of life. That's her own bigoted morals, but you sure as fuck do NOT say that in an AA meeting. It has nothing to do with alcohol. There was one person I know is a lesbian there and one who is transgender. Both were clearly upset after the meeting.
The 10th tradition states "Alcoholics Anonymous has no opinion on outside issues; hence the A.A. name ought never be drawn into public controversy." and most people in meetings interpret this as it is not appropriate to talk about outside issues that have nothing to do with your alcoholism.

So I stepped out at one point and sat outside. I came in for the last few minutes, but I didn't go to the 8pm meeting today. I am drinking, but I had pretty much decided that before the meeting. I had bought the vodka before the meeting.

I saw my psychiatrist today. I told him when he asked that I had drank on 2 days week before last and 4 last week. I said I was going to 1-2 meetings daily and had a sponsor. He basically said something about not being successful. Then he asked if I was going to 12 step meetings, and I repeated myself. he asked about a sponsor, so i repeated myself. He said "so that's not really helping." I said my sponsor thinks I have made a lot of progress.. and he relented and said things were better. He officially put me on Trazadone for sleep (I did tell him I was already taking it). I'm happy with this and honesty don't care about his judgment of my sobriety.


My AA homework.. I am not sure if this aimed at step 2 or 3.. I think 3. I am supposed to write a letter to god. Then I am supposed to meditate/pray, and write God's response to me. I've written the letter twice. Yesterday, I kept getting interrupted to much to do the 2nd part. Today I wrote another because this is supposed to be done back to back. The letter was essentially the same even though I didn't reread the 1st one. I then (learning from yesterday) put on headphones and music (w/o any words). I read the bible some. I prayed. I tried to sit and meditate, which I am bad at, I tried just closing my eyes and focusing on the music. I tried repeating some phrase in my head. I tried drawing spirals because drawing a pattern seems like meditation. I got nothing. I took of the headphones, nothing. I thought during the meeting. I thought when I was outside. I cannot manage a response. I don't know if this is me or something I'm doing. I'll talk to my sponsor again tomorrow. Maybe she has guidance or another assignment. I do suck at meditating.