Rough weekend

Friday I bought vodka. Not entirely sure what the motivation was. My depression has been bad this week. I did go to the 6pm AA meeting, and I actually talked. The meeting was about hitting bottom, and I basically talked about how I kept thinking things were bad enough to want to quit, and it never was.

I went home and drank. Didn't black out or throw up or anything like that. Did wake up with a nasty headache (this has been happening a lot lately) probably from dehydration.

I went to the Saturday women's meeting. There was a woman who was new, so the chairperson picked the topic of sharing our experience with the new woman. I still had a headache and felt a sinking sort of depression.

The chairperson asked if I wanted to speak, and I said I was just going to listen. I could see my sponsor staring at me and shaking her head because obviously she wasn't ok with that. I was asked again later, and again my sponsor was staring me down. The chair asked if I had anything to share with my recovery sisters, and someone (can't remember if it was her or someone else) said that they loved me.

All I could manage to say was that I hate that people there love me. This is very true. A few people shared that they cared about me or how they felt the same way in the beginning. My brain was pretty shut down at this point.

I tried to leave quickly after the meeting, and my sponsor chased me. She hugged me and said they would love me until I loved myself. I got to my car and started crying.

I went and bought more vodka, had lunch, and went home and drank.

Yesterday I had church, and it was a little hard. I feel unworthy of taking communion some days, and this is worse now that I can't have the wine. I have to take it by the altar so I can just have the bread/host/body or whatever you want to call it. To kinda explain this (not sure if I have before) for communion my church, the bread and wine are mixed in the chalice and given with a spoon.
This is my church

To take communion, I have to go behind the icon screen, which just feels really awkward. There's 3 doors, the center doors are only used by the priest. The other 2 on the sides (called the deacon doors) are used mainly by the servers. I have to go through the door on the right (by the icon of christ), and I feel like it draws more attention to myself, and I worry if people wonder why. There are others that i guess are gluten intolerant who go behind the screen to take just wine.

Yesterday was also the celebration of one of the martyrs (can't spell his name it translates to one in every way merciful), and this is celebrated with the anointing of the sick, except everyone can have it. I almost wanted to leave before this because again I didn't feel worthy since my problems are mostly self inflicted. Managed to stay.

Then it was weird last night when I was driving home, my sponsor called me. I declined it because I was driving. She texted me after that and asked if I wanted to go on a road trip to Arkansas Friday... I guess she is going to pick up her daughters from whoever they're visiting. I said I wasn't sure because it was really overwhelming talking to people everyday. I'm hoping she didn't take that to mean I didn't want to spend time with her.

I really am just stressed talking to so many people now.. since I'm at AA so much, people actually talk to me. It's all a bit too much since I got used to sleeping at least 12 hours a day, maybe going shopping, and watching tv. Most of my interactions were with cashiers at stores or restaurants and with my cats. It's also really weird talking to guys at AA. My friends have always been mostly women and maybe their husbands. Having guys talk to me and hug me is a bit uncomfortable because it wasn't a very common occurrence before.

Definitely need to get used to people before school starts next month and I'm teaching again. Last semester I was 31 days sober when school started, and I relapsed after teaching my first class. I'm struggling with being sober already, so school scares me.