I hate this...

I was sober yesterday and am sober today. I am still not convinced I want this. Actually, I'm fairly certain I don't. The issue is that I hate to disappoint everyone at AA that are trying to support me.

I'm supposed to be calling 3 people (from AA) a day, and that has not been happening at all. Most days I manage to call my sponsor or she calls me. I'm going to meetings. I think I went everyday last week.

I am exhausted. I am depressed. I am sick of being around people. My sponsor thinks I'm doing well, being honest, showing up, being diligent.. I don't know exactly. I drank 4 days last week.

Yesterday, I went to church and lunch with a friend. Then I went to my parents' house for dinner. I left in time to go to a meeting at an AA group near their house. It was a pretty good meeting. I had texted my sponsor a bit but hadn't called her.

Driving home, I started thinking about the vodka in my freezer. It wasn't much, just what was leftover from Saturday. I had told myself it was no big deal. That much vodka is not worth drinking, but then I realized I thought about it the whole drive home. I called my sponsor when I got home but was still sitting in my car. She stayed on the phone and talked to me while I took the bottle down to the dumpster. I wasn't that upset about it. Like I said, it was not enough to really get me drunk. I still ended up taking 2 klonopin and 2 trazadone so I could sleep..

Woke up at around noon today. Stayed in bed for a while looking at stuff on my phone. Finally got up and sat at my computer for a while. I had a Coke Zero and I think some cereal. At around 3 I finally showered. At around 4 I left the apartment to get lunch/dinner. Then I went to the AA building to try to work on an assignment from my sponsor. This was hard because this one crazy guy (who had been walking around talking to himself) sat down and started talking to me.

I finally got up and told one woman I know that I was sitting by her to get him to leave me alone. She played along and pretty loudly said who would be sitting in the other 2 seats next to me at the table. Crazy guy sat across from us. I wasn't listening but apparently he really offended someone else there.

That meeting sucked... I wasn't clear on the topic, but I always manage to focus on when people say that if they kept drinking they would die or that they wanted to die. That's what I hear. By the end, I wanted to go to the liquor store so badly, but my sponsor walked in about 10 minutes before the end.

I told her I wanted to go.. we talked about random stuff, and then she had to meet with another woman. I found a bench and sat in the corner of it. When I'm really depressed, I need to feel grounded. I didn't want to sit on the floor because 1) people might come ask me why and 2) the floor there is gross. The bench was an ok substitute if my back was pressed against the corner and I had my legs crossed and both touching the bench. I sat and read my bible.

She stayed and chaired the next meeting, which was about selfishness. It was a good meeting.. people said some funny stuff. I started crying randomly at one point. I had my arms crossed tightly and was picking at my skin. My sponsor started rubbing my shoulder/back at some point. I survived the meeting.

When I told her I was leaving, she said that it was a success because I stayed until after 9 (when liquor store closes). She said I looked like I felt like shit, but emotions are ok. I walked out to my car and drove home crying. I fed the cats and then cut myself.

I am just not a functioning human being. I get the feeling I'm not eating enough.. I eat once before I go to AA at 6. I maybe eat a yogurt or a popsicle when I get home. Today I've had a chicken sandwich and fries before, and since I got home I've had a cracker. My scale is a piece of shit, but it reads lower than when I weighed myself a month or two ago.

I'm on my period which is probably not helping the depression. But there are times where I can only think about drinking, cutting, or suicide. I know this isn't good. I just don't know what to do about it.