Tuesday I dragged my ass out of bed around 11 (I had gone to bed at 3am) and went to lunch with a friend. She is a bit crazy herself (bipolar) and recently went through an unexpected pregnancy and a miscarriage. I hadn't seen her for over a month because she was justifiably depressed. She seems well now, and she is being super supportive of my recovery.
She think she and another friend were bad influences and caused my relapse. This is so not true. What happened is that I am very manipulative (this will be an amends at some point) and told them it was ok to have a couple drinks. This was actually long before the last relapse after rehab. The friend I was meeting has done no harm in my opinion. The other has decided we should all (except my friend who was pregnant then) margaritas at her neighbor's house while they smoked pot. I am reevaluating that friendship.
Tuesday I went to the 6pm AA meeting. I was kidnapped by my friend to go get coffee (awesome coffee drinks) and then go to the 8pm meeting. We hung out after. I actually walked out early because of various drama, so my friend and I sat outside. I texted a woman and asked her to be my sponsor. She said yes and we were set to meet Saturday.
Wednesday I went to 6pm meeting and 8pm meeting. After we talked a bit, we went to dinner. It was me and 2 girls from the group and one guy I think I have seen but didn't know well. They all have amazing, ridiculous, perverted senses of humor. It was fun. I went home around 11.
Yesterday I texted my sponsor during the 6pm meeting that I really wanted to drink. She tried calling but I missed it. She texted me to talk to a certain woman there. I hesitated, but I went over and said "J__ told me to talk to you" and the woman didn't blink. We sat down and talked about seeing the future consequences of drinking. Looking beyond the momentary relief. I was commanded basically to not leave the building until 8. My sponsor called while we were dinner, and I said I was there and she asked if I would be ok, and I said yes I was feeling better (not a lie)
Today was hard. I had asked the bipolar friend (let's call her B) if I could come over and watch Netflix today. I went over and brought yogurt and fruit to eat. We ate and watched Star Trek Voyager. Her giant doberman cuddled me
Selfie with Marshall. Good angle for him, horrible photo angle for me. He is a sweet, dumb, giant baby. I think he's 2
My friend called while I was there because I texted her that I wanted to drink. She talked about treatment possibilities and she said she'd be at the meetings tonight. I texted my sponsor the same thing, and she said she'd be at the meeting.
Oddly, my friend wasn't there. My sponsor was. She pulled me into one of the side rooms and we talked a lot
She asked "What do you have to change when you quit drinking?"
My guess "To stop drinking"
Her answer "Everything"
So I told her about everything that makes me think of it
1. The many empty bottles of vodka in my apartment
2. Various food and drink items I associate with drinking
3. The shot glass in my kitchen I always use
4. Shit like opening the freezer
5. The pen on my desk I use to keep count of how many drinks I've had
She asked about the empty bottles and asked if I could throw them away tonight. I was silent and then said I was afraid to touch them. She said could she help. I said I didn't want people in my messy apartment. She said she could stand with a trash bag and her eyes close. I gave up.
She drove me to my apartment with a trash bag. On the way she asked how I would tell my life story in 5 minutes. I basically self destruction and perfectionism. I did explain I had a history of self harm and bulimia earlier. I let her inside. We found all the bottles and the 2 visible shot glasses. She bagged them and dumped them in the dumpster and we went back. After the last of the meeting we talked. Mostly about her suggestions (firmly suggested= a very very good idea). How I should call 3 alcoholics today, which I can't start yet until I get more phone numbers. It was a good talk. She left before the 8 meeting.
I sat there and the urge came back. I feel like my mind was 90% focused on the liquor store. I gave in and left at maybe 8:10 and went to buy vodka. I felt bad on the way there. I felt ok going home.
I will call my sponsor tomorrow. I will tell her. I will go to a meeting or 2 tomorrow. I only bought a fifth (750ml) not more. I hope to throw away any extra tonight. Either way, I've been honest enough I can't hide anymore. I never lied to them. I just never told them I was drinking because nobody asked.
I do on some level feel guilty, but it really felt like it would happen eventually. I felt it in me. The depression gets bad at night. I want to self harm. I want to abuse the meds I have. I had this whole binge in my head (I told my sponsor about this).
Even thinking of sobriety and being honest is much more than I've done in a long time.. so I feel this is progress, I believe I will still go back and be sober. I just slipped.
My sponsor will not blink at this, and we'll start the steps on saturday. She definitely knows insanity and alcohol and insanity and everything. She gets the humor of some of it because even I laugh at some shit I've done/thought. It is enough to say it and laugh without analyzing every little bit. The 12 steps is a lot about just listing the past and seeing the future. It is not dwelling on it. It is admitting it, burning it, and going on. I like that.
My 1st assignment is to write 10 times/situations I was powerless over drinking. This seems easy
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