My brain is kinda scattered right now. I'm very tired and very awake.
Today has been weird and amazing
It started shitty. I was sick all morning/early afternoon with allergies and nausea and whatever.
At like 4pm I poured out the only vodka in my apartment. Partly because I was feeling sick and thinking of that made it worse. Partly because it was taunting me because it was less than I normally drink each day, and that almost makes it not worth drinking. Anyway, motivation isn't super important.
Honestly, I'm not sure any of this has fully processed yet. I spent 4 hours watching Greys Anatomy on Netflix and crying, so my mind was kinda shut off.
At around 4 a friend from AA texts me.. actually just after I poured out the vodka. I told her that and she said that was pretty hardcore. She texted me at around 6 to see if I'd go to the 8pm meeting. I debated it because I was sitting around in my underwear watching Greys Anatomy, but then I decided that probably wasn't healthy. I got dressed and went
It was a bizarre meeting... there was this very clearly crazy (and I don't usually use that term for people at meetings). He had 3 cups of coffee that he kept moving around on the table. He'd refill one but not the others. And he kept ranting about how he was a drug addict as a teenager and now he can't stand the thought of doing drugs because it gets in the way of his goals. Then at one point honestly started on about how if he didn't want to drink he could just stop. He didn't need help.. and some shit about alcoholics being murderers and whores and I had no idea at that point. He talked 3 times. It was a bit fascinating
So the girl who invited me had been trying to get me to play dominoes before the meeting and I said no because I hadn't played. She asked again after the meeting and we ended up playing pairs. Apparently, I don't have to really understand to win the game pretty well. My partner just kept telling me to watch what he did, and I would and then put down what seemed to match.. and we won by a lot. I only played one game because math was not working in my head, but I watched them play until almost 11.
Then the 6 of us went to IHOP.. which was insane. One of these women is.. insanely extroverted. Like she tries to do group hugs and was telling me how they needed me.. it is sweet but also scary. Well, everyone was so loud at the restaurant. Apparently, we all have sick immature senses of humor. But the food kept getting screwed up. Like she called the waiter over because another guy at the table had more fries than her.. this took like 30 minutes for the waiter to actually bring more fries. One girl was obsessing over how her meal should come with garlic bread.. this was still going on when I left.
One of the guys bought my meal and the crazy one's.. which is nice but I also kinda feel bad. Though I only have $63 in the bank and $25 available on one credit card... Well, we left a bit before midnight because someone had driven me and I had to get back to my car so it wouldn't get towed.
Then I sat for probably 20-30 minutes just talking to my friend, and she gets some of the stuff I don't even admit to.. like how cleaning her apartment would make her cry. This came up because I have at least 8 empty bottles of vodka in my kitchen, that I probably should not clean up by myself. She gets the craziness and she actually cares.
I am not used to this. I have supportive people in my life, but this girl I usually see once a week understands all the stuff I won't admit to. She acknowledges how much this is going to suck for a while but that I shouldn't go through it alone.. and that's starting to make sense. We laughed about how I never admitted things were bad in meetings because I scared they would actually help me and that was way too much. Except now maybe not quite as terrifying. Kinda like sobriety is supposed to be one day at a time, this actually asking for help thing is going to be a day at a time. AA people are screwed up (myself included) but there's this weird sort of honesty that happens there.
Physically, I'm feeling pretty wired. I can tell my blood pressure is probably high (I can feel it in my neck.. it's weird), so I took a librium and am waiting to see what happens. I want this to settle down before I take my others meds.
I also went so far as to not lock the deadbolt on my apartment door (the one that can't be unlocked from the outside) in case I need help. This is a bit terrifying because I'm obsessive about locking my door. Not just in case of robbery, but I hate the idea that someone other than me could let themselves in with a key.. but it makes sense in my brain.
Oh and I bought groceries. I realized it was after midnight, so in Texas stores can't sell any alcohol.. so I thought I should take the opportunity. I bought a weird assortment of things.. gatorade for dehydration, pepsi max for when caffeine is needed, crackers, cereal (fruit loops with marshmallows), raspberry preserves for toast, b vitamin supplement which is supposed to be good for some reason, nasal spray for my damn allergies, and popsicles.. because I'm sober and I deserve them. Not even the all fruit kind. I am going to eat fruit loops and popsicles like a child if I want to.
I'll get back to nutrition after I get through the first few days. And I bought yogurt.. which was a debate. Sometimes I buy yogurt and love it. Usually I buy it and it sits in the fridge until it expires. I like yogurt. I'm really not sure what the mental block is with it, but I'm aiming for nausea friendly foods after being sick all morning and then trying to eat a piece of leftover pizza because I had hardly anything in the apartment.
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