So I blacked out Tuesday night. (next sentence is gross) Apparently made it to the bathroom but did not throw up in the toilet.. that was lovely since I'd eaten pasta. I also made ice again.. why do I fill the ice trays when I'm blacked out? Weird. I also finished the whole bottle of vodka this time. I didn't think I did until I woke up Wednesday.
I went to lunch with a friend. I have 2 non-AA friends from school. I am not giving real names because who knows who may end up finding this, so let's call them L and B.
B I met because she took a class with me my 1st semester, and she worked in the same lab as I did. We got to be good friends. The next Fall, she started going through these deep depressions and manic episodes.. they were probably there before, but she acknowledged them then. I convinced her to get insurance through the school (we both work there). She actually ended up going through public/city health services and got on medication for bipolar and in therapy. Since then.. like many bipolar people, she hasn't been good about taking them or about controlling behaviors when manic. She'd decide she couldn't afford to take them or she didn't need them.. or most recently she got pregnant (supposedly accidentally) and stopped them. She miscarried and hasn't started again.
L I met the following year. She's a year behind us in grad school, but she was friends with B already because they both went to the school as undergrads as well. L and I were never as close, but we all hung out together and talked at school.
So I'm skipping a ton of drama and going with the recent issue. I didn't see B for several weeks after she told me she miscarried.. I was kinda leaving her alone (I did send a few texts and funny emails hoping to cheer her up a bit) until she wanted to talk. She texted me wanting to do lunch.
So the things she told me over lunch were that
1. She wasn't back on meds because she wanted to be on ones she could take while pregnant because she still wants a baby
2. Her plan for this baby was either to get an ex-boyfriend of hers to contribute or go through a sperm bank
3. That L was now doing drugs. She had always smoked marijuana but now was supposedly doing other drugs
4. That she was sleeping with one of her 19 year old neighbors to get drugs
None of this seemed quite right or true.. but I didn't want to argue. I mean if she wants a baby, I won't argue if she's doing it a responsible way. I basically said I probably wouldn't go to L's house anymore since she does smoke marijuana and has encouraged me to drink in the past, but I never said I wouldn't see her again. The alcohol thing is just that I don't think she understands addiction well.
Well, last week L texts me asking me to lunch because B has been telling people lies about her. When she said this, I was guessing that B had made some of what she said up. I had wondered that, but I really had no information to back up either side. I had lunch with L Wednesday
She said
1. She's not on drugs and is very upset B has told people that. I did not say I had been told that, but I agreed it was really unreasonable that B was lying.
2. B is avoiding her. Like they go to the same yoga studio, and B hid in the bathroom after class until L left.
3. She is dating her neighbor (well he actually moved 3 weeks ago so isn't her neighbor now) and him being nice to her helped her get over her previous meth addict boyfriend (yay!!)
4. That B told her that she planned to lie to her ex and say she had an IUD so he wouldn't use condoms and she could get pregnant (which is really fucked up)
L is really upset. I wonder if B is truly lying or if because she's off her meds she's really delusional. She gets paranoid when she's manic. I really sympathized with L about how this was awful, but I didn't know what she should do. She mentioned telling B's parents, but I am worried about any backlash from B. I am really not sure I want to be around B anymore until she's on meds because what she's doing is really hurtful. I am planning to spend more time with L because she is having a hard time and just not seek out B to spend time with her. Such a mess.
I went to AA and it was ok.. My sponsor was there before the 6pm meeting and we talked some. She stayed for that meeting but left before the 8. She asked if I was staying, and I said if I could manage to keep my ass in the chair I would. She told another woman there that we both know to make sure I didn't leave before 9. I stayed and ended up hanging out with another girl until midnight.
Yesterday I had therapy and dinner with my parents. I called my sponsor and talked about the situation with the AA bitch. I also told her about being fired from the job I got this summer. I realized Wednesday night that I hadn't told anyone in the group about it. I managed not to buy liquor. I'm not so sure what I'm doing about that today. I want to drink. I seem to be really struggling to be sober for more than 2 days. It's still major progress after 6 months of drinking every day.. but I'm not sure how to actually stop.
I'm adding a bit to what i posted this morning. So far my day. I ate breakfast. I have leftover pizza because Wednesday a girl from AA wanted to do dinner.. she asked if I wanted pizza. She ended up ordering 2 large pizzas, so we could each take home leftovers. She really acts like it's no big deal buying me food.. which is hard to accept, but being unemployed it has really helped. I went shopping. I bought vodka, and then I went to Mardel (a christian store) and bought a bracelet and a puzzle for my friend's son.
I went to AA. I actually talked. The topic was reaching bottom. I talked about how I had so many scary things, so many exhausting things, but it took a desperate depression to actually speak. It took all that to ask for help and accept it. I'm still not fully sober, but I talk to people now. People know the truth. I do call my sponsor pretty much daily. I am going to 1-2 meetings most days. I am doing so many different things. My life is different. I still can't grasp how the hell this happened. It just did.
And yet, I'm drinking, and I don't feel guilty. I feel like it's 50/50 for wanting recovery versus alcohol, and I fully acknowledge alcohol could lead to death. I heard a woman in the meeting complain that they say that, but she never died. That's how I feel. I feel like i'm trying recovery because alcohol only leads to infinite exhaustion and misery but never death. And endless misery scares me.
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