So as the title states, I finally called my sponsor. The past couple days I have admittedly had little time/privacy to call her... and also various excuses.
I wasn't sure how to begin the conversation. I kinda assumed she knew I was drinking because I wasn't calling and I was going to less meetings and not sharing in meetings. Plus there's the whole issue of my hands constantly shaking. That's pretty obvious
So I did start off by saying I've been drinking just in case she hadn't figure out, and it felt like I needed to actually say that. I told her I was scared. I mentioned the shaking, my eye twitching, and said that I worried that if the physical symptoms are getting worse how bad would it be when I stopped?
I think I rambled a bit. She was asking if I had any 3 day weekends coming up, which I don't. I can probably take a friday off.. not sure how much she wants me supervised. She said if I could do that, I could stay at her house for a few days. The idea of doing that makes me very anxious, but it's better than a lot of the alternatives. I don't want to go into the hospital. I don't want to go to my parents. And I probably should not spend the whole time alone in my apartment.
I am not sure if I can do it this coming weekend. I do acknowledge that I really don't have a valid excuse, except that I've made plans with friends Friday and Sunday. I really don't want to cancel. Especially because the one on Sunday is going to a clearance sale at a bookstore, and it's only this weekend.
She said to tell her when I want to do it. She's going to be at a meeting tonight, so I can talk to her in person. I hate phone calls. I always have, but I guess texting your sponsor is not the same as actually calling her.
Tuesday, September 30, 2014
Monday, September 29, 2014
Fear and denial
I have in the past been pretty good at denying that drinking was a problem or denying the severity of it. This was much easier because it was a lot harder to keep drinking when I was funny aware of how bad things are.
Now... I frequently try not to think about how bad things are, but I've reached a point where I can't deny it.
1. My hands are always shaking during the day. I can sometimes minimize it or hide it by keeping my hands in my pockets or not holding things in front of others who can see them shake. So if, for example, I want to show someone a picture on my phone, I will set the phone down in front of them. If I hold it, it shakes.
2. It's not just my hands and mild tremors. Sometimes my whole arm or leg will twitch. I hide this by curling up on the sofa rather than sitting. I rest my arms against something to help keep them still
3. I did have a debate about the whole eyelid twitch problem. I wasn't sure it was visible or if I could just feel it. I can definitely feel it, so I can't deny that. It is VERY annoying. I've had twitching problems in the past if I was tired or had too much caffeine. So today I sat and stared into a mirror, and it's visible at times.
4. My memory is terrible. I can manage this more if I write things down, but I still find myself checking my sent emails or deleted emails and trying to remember who I have had different conversations with. It's easier not to have unnecessary conversations than to have them multiple times. I may seem forgetful, but if I am telling people every story or thing twice.. it may be suspicious.
So even my alcoholic brain can't pretend these aren't bad symptoms. Especially since this starts almost as soon as I get up.. it's not after prolonged sobriety and withdrawal. I find myself searching online for physical consequences alcoholism. There's a lot. These are not medically "severe" consequences. The tremors should go away when I've been sober for a week or two. Supposedly, the memory problem gets better once you're sober.. that depends a bit on how long I keep drinking. I guess eventually the damage is permanent
So here is the fear, it is not those symptoms that I am afraid of. I am afraid of what these imply. They mean that I am having withdrawal symptoms. Things I've read said withdrawal can start a few hours after the last drink, but that is mostly in severe cases. The worst withdrawal symptoms are within the first 2-3 days of sobriety, and if things are this bad after less than 24 hours... what do the next couple days include? And I am not talking mild tremors. They are very obvious. Today I noticed it pointing at things while teaching.. and I can't tell if my students notice or if they would have any idea that it's alcohol related.
So yes.. I have obvious physical symptoms. What scares me is that I am not sure that if this happens within 24 hours, what happens after that? Do I need to worry about seizures? Hallucinations? I have had days that felt dream-like.. everything feels distant.. and I wonder if that has to do with the disorientation and confusion that can come from withdrawal. It's probably been a month or two since I've gone more than 1-2 days without drinking. What happens after that? DTs can happen after 48 hours. Will I face that?
From what I have read, withdrawal is not predictable. You can drink heavily and not have big problems. You can drink for a short period of time, and have severe problems. I have had tremors and high blood pressure before, but never seizures or hallucinations. But.. since I last detoxed, I have continued drinking heavily.
This would not be so scary if I was in rehab or hospital where I was given medication for detox. I have detoxes many times by being given Librium and slowly weaned off it. I don't have librium now. I don't have anything really to take.. so if I stop now it would be just cold turkey. Suddenly stopping all drinking. And.. I haven't done that much. Plus, I live alone.. so in the hospital even if not given librium regularly, they checked my blood pressure and watched me and talked to me and fed me. At home, I don't have that. I am required to be at school several days a week. I see my parents twice a week. So on those occasions, someone might notice something wrong. If I am at home, nobody could know what happens.
So, yes, I'm scared. I failed at calling my sponsor, and in my defense I was at school from 9am to 7:30 pm with no privacy. I considered texting her, but I think this topic could not be adequately described that way. I went to the 8pm meeting (after the liquor store) but I didn't have anything to say. I don't trust a lot of people enough to tell them all this. Some people would probably push rehab, but really that is not a valid option. Some people understand that my insurance and income depend on teaching and being at school. If I lose insurance, not only can I not afford rehab, but I also can't pay for my medications or doctors' appointments. Me going without medication would make things a lot worse.
So my goal is to call my sponsor tomorrow. I don't know if she can really give advice, but she has known a lot more alcoholics than I have. And maybe some of that gives her more insight than I have. I don't know... but I know I should tell her. And I really am scared to just stop drinking. I could slowly reduce my drinking, but really that isn't likely to work. I have proven many times that the alcoholism and a bit of OCD make it very hard to change my intake.
Now... I frequently try not to think about how bad things are, but I've reached a point where I can't deny it.
1. My hands are always shaking during the day. I can sometimes minimize it or hide it by keeping my hands in my pockets or not holding things in front of others who can see them shake. So if, for example, I want to show someone a picture on my phone, I will set the phone down in front of them. If I hold it, it shakes.
2. It's not just my hands and mild tremors. Sometimes my whole arm or leg will twitch. I hide this by curling up on the sofa rather than sitting. I rest my arms against something to help keep them still
3. I did have a debate about the whole eyelid twitch problem. I wasn't sure it was visible or if I could just feel it. I can definitely feel it, so I can't deny that. It is VERY annoying. I've had twitching problems in the past if I was tired or had too much caffeine. So today I sat and stared into a mirror, and it's visible at times.
4. My memory is terrible. I can manage this more if I write things down, but I still find myself checking my sent emails or deleted emails and trying to remember who I have had different conversations with. It's easier not to have unnecessary conversations than to have them multiple times. I may seem forgetful, but if I am telling people every story or thing twice.. it may be suspicious.
So even my alcoholic brain can't pretend these aren't bad symptoms. Especially since this starts almost as soon as I get up.. it's not after prolonged sobriety and withdrawal. I find myself searching online for physical consequences alcoholism. There's a lot. These are not medically "severe" consequences. The tremors should go away when I've been sober for a week or two. Supposedly, the memory problem gets better once you're sober.. that depends a bit on how long I keep drinking. I guess eventually the damage is permanent
So here is the fear, it is not those symptoms that I am afraid of. I am afraid of what these imply. They mean that I am having withdrawal symptoms. Things I've read said withdrawal can start a few hours after the last drink, but that is mostly in severe cases. The worst withdrawal symptoms are within the first 2-3 days of sobriety, and if things are this bad after less than 24 hours... what do the next couple days include? And I am not talking mild tremors. They are very obvious. Today I noticed it pointing at things while teaching.. and I can't tell if my students notice or if they would have any idea that it's alcohol related.
So yes.. I have obvious physical symptoms. What scares me is that I am not sure that if this happens within 24 hours, what happens after that? Do I need to worry about seizures? Hallucinations? I have had days that felt dream-like.. everything feels distant.. and I wonder if that has to do with the disorientation and confusion that can come from withdrawal. It's probably been a month or two since I've gone more than 1-2 days without drinking. What happens after that? DTs can happen after 48 hours. Will I face that?
From what I have read, withdrawal is not predictable. You can drink heavily and not have big problems. You can drink for a short period of time, and have severe problems. I have had tremors and high blood pressure before, but never seizures or hallucinations. But.. since I last detoxed, I have continued drinking heavily.
This would not be so scary if I was in rehab or hospital where I was given medication for detox. I have detoxes many times by being given Librium and slowly weaned off it. I don't have librium now. I don't have anything really to take.. so if I stop now it would be just cold turkey. Suddenly stopping all drinking. And.. I haven't done that much. Plus, I live alone.. so in the hospital even if not given librium regularly, they checked my blood pressure and watched me and talked to me and fed me. At home, I don't have that. I am required to be at school several days a week. I see my parents twice a week. So on those occasions, someone might notice something wrong. If I am at home, nobody could know what happens.
So, yes, I'm scared. I failed at calling my sponsor, and in my defense I was at school from 9am to 7:30 pm with no privacy. I considered texting her, but I think this topic could not be adequately described that way. I went to the 8pm meeting (after the liquor store) but I didn't have anything to say. I don't trust a lot of people enough to tell them all this. Some people would probably push rehab, but really that is not a valid option. Some people understand that my insurance and income depend on teaching and being at school. If I lose insurance, not only can I not afford rehab, but I also can't pay for my medications or doctors' appointments. Me going without medication would make things a lot worse.
So my goal is to call my sponsor tomorrow. I don't know if she can really give advice, but she has known a lot more alcoholics than I have. And maybe some of that gives her more insight than I have. I don't know... but I know I should tell her. And I really am scared to just stop drinking. I could slowly reduce my drinking, but really that isn't likely to work. I have proven many times that the alcoholism and a bit of OCD make it very hard to change my intake.
Sunday, September 28, 2014
Safety... a therapy assignment
I have been wanting to write a lot lately.. I almost feel it's too much since nothing really changes. I think because I am not at all honest with people in my life, so this is my refuge. Being honest here makes me feel less bad about lying to others. I hate lying. I am good at it. I am not clear how good because I also think some people in my life are good at pretending there's no problem. I think neither of us can entirely tell what the other knows.
Before I get to the assignment, I'll update on today. I had church this morning, which was good. My birthday was last week and I didn't tell my friends about it.. maybe they remembered.. maybe they noticed it on facebook. I really just didn't feel like celebrating. My schedule makes it hard to see them. I used to go over and help cook dinner once a week and spend some time at their house. Now, there's really very few evenings I can go there. I can't be early enough to help cook, and honestly I am so exhausted some weeks to be around them. I love them. I love my friend and her husband and her son, but people require so much energy. Anyway, we went to lunch today because between their schedule and mine I couldn't go to their house last week.
I tend to tell them things are fine and then change the subject to their lives. Lunch was good. I left to go to my parents' house very aware of how my hands were shaking. Plus, now my eyelid/eyebrow twitches a lot.. probably also the alcohol. I ended up stopping to buy something with alcohol. I bought this "hard lemonade" that is lemonade with alcohol.. not my preferred drink, but liquor stores aren't open Sundays. I debated this before buying it. I debated drinking it after buying it. I drank most of it and poured some out. Then I chewed some ginger candy to get rid of the smell on my breath.
Onto the actual assignment, I was supposed to think about what safety means and what a safe environment is. I am not 100% sure I know what my therapist meant, but basically it had to do with me being in an environment where it's ok for me to be 100% honest about how I'm doing, not to hide how things are, and to exist without my coping mechanisms: alcohol, bulimia, and cutting.
I have not always had friends. I have not always had healthy friends. I had friends in high school tell me they didn't want to hear my problems or that I had no reason to feel depressed. I had friends who used me.. to pass notes between them, I had one I gave my lunch to daily, and I have had plenty want me to support them but not support me. They are not bad people, but I let them mistreat me because I was so desperate to have friends. This meant that it was safer for me not to be honest and to tell them I was fine or happy. They liked me better when I was happy. They liked me better when I was funny.
To me though, the depression was unbearable. It was unpredictable. The medication didn't work most of the time. What did work was cutting. It helped me function with the emotional pain enough to manage school. I cut at home. I cut between classes. I searched my parents house for blades. I took apart the safety kind made for shaving.
College started and I was not in a healthy environment. My friends were temperamental and easily angered, and at this point I actively chose to believe I was fine. Then I wasn't.. I was depressed, and my roommate treated me like shit at times. She'd tell me we would cook dinner together and not come home. She'd disappear for a couple of days (with friends of her family) but not tell me where she was. I mean.. it was her right to have her own life, but it was not right to lie to me or really not ok to just disappear without warning. If I expressed anger, she lashed out and told me I was just holding grudges. That year I started purging.. and cutting. She wouldn't listen if I tried to be honest.
Then grad school started, and I had to be happy and normal to teach. I taught and then at home I drank. Any time I stopped drinking, any little thing would make me cry.. and I was devoted to school, so I'd cry in the bathroom or around certain professors. I couldn't let most people know how sick I was.
So now... I have a few friends left from high school, and they don't mistreat me.. but I don't like telling the truth anyway. I don't like being treated like I'm sick. I have a friend or two from graduate school who don't understand depression or alcoholism. So my life is most comfortable if I lie.
Safety would be having friends and family and an environment where I could be open and honest without being judged. This might be being honest and crying. This might be cancelling plans to stay home. I don't do this though.. my mom was not initially understanding about the alcohol (and in the past about the bulimia). They have been understanding since then at points and at others not acknowledged what was going on unless I said anything. They would notice the tremors or that something was wrong, but they didn't say anything. That left me with the responsibility to tell them everything. My friends.. don't understand. I can tell that watching them.
So I feel I have to hide. Being honest might lead to being judged. Being sober may lead to shaking and sadness, and I might be asked to explain.
To me, safety means letting everything show. This mostly seems safe around doctors and strangers. Even then, I worry about being kept too long in hospital or having to miss work/school for help. This just isn't an option. Even in AA there are people who might hear what's going on and expect me to do whatever they think is right.
I can only be hurt and hopeless at home without being judged or questioned. I can't be sick without my ability to teach be questioned. So my environment isn't safe. Being honest could impact my life. Being honest could affect my future.
Safety is facing the unknown without consequence. And really... I don't know what will happen. I don't know if my depression will get worse. I don't know if I'll have seizures and DTs from alcohol withdrawal. I don't know if someone will notice the shaking or the sadness or whatever. I am not safe. I know so many ways for things to go wrong. Even my friends and family might treat me different because I act different... because I cry and am scared and want to be alone.
I almost wish I was all alone. I wouldn't have to be worried about how others see me. I do not feel safe to just let the unknown happen. Now... to figure out how any of this thinking makes a difference.
Before I get to the assignment, I'll update on today. I had church this morning, which was good. My birthday was last week and I didn't tell my friends about it.. maybe they remembered.. maybe they noticed it on facebook. I really just didn't feel like celebrating. My schedule makes it hard to see them. I used to go over and help cook dinner once a week and spend some time at their house. Now, there's really very few evenings I can go there. I can't be early enough to help cook, and honestly I am so exhausted some weeks to be around them. I love them. I love my friend and her husband and her son, but people require so much energy. Anyway, we went to lunch today because between their schedule and mine I couldn't go to their house last week.
I tend to tell them things are fine and then change the subject to their lives. Lunch was good. I left to go to my parents' house very aware of how my hands were shaking. Plus, now my eyelid/eyebrow twitches a lot.. probably also the alcohol. I ended up stopping to buy something with alcohol. I bought this "hard lemonade" that is lemonade with alcohol.. not my preferred drink, but liquor stores aren't open Sundays. I debated this before buying it. I debated drinking it after buying it. I drank most of it and poured some out. Then I chewed some ginger candy to get rid of the smell on my breath.
Onto the actual assignment, I was supposed to think about what safety means and what a safe environment is. I am not 100% sure I know what my therapist meant, but basically it had to do with me being in an environment where it's ok for me to be 100% honest about how I'm doing, not to hide how things are, and to exist without my coping mechanisms: alcohol, bulimia, and cutting.
I have not always had friends. I have not always had healthy friends. I had friends in high school tell me they didn't want to hear my problems or that I had no reason to feel depressed. I had friends who used me.. to pass notes between them, I had one I gave my lunch to daily, and I have had plenty want me to support them but not support me. They are not bad people, but I let them mistreat me because I was so desperate to have friends. This meant that it was safer for me not to be honest and to tell them I was fine or happy. They liked me better when I was happy. They liked me better when I was funny.
To me though, the depression was unbearable. It was unpredictable. The medication didn't work most of the time. What did work was cutting. It helped me function with the emotional pain enough to manage school. I cut at home. I cut between classes. I searched my parents house for blades. I took apart the safety kind made for shaving.
College started and I was not in a healthy environment. My friends were temperamental and easily angered, and at this point I actively chose to believe I was fine. Then I wasn't.. I was depressed, and my roommate treated me like shit at times. She'd tell me we would cook dinner together and not come home. She'd disappear for a couple of days (with friends of her family) but not tell me where she was. I mean.. it was her right to have her own life, but it was not right to lie to me or really not ok to just disappear without warning. If I expressed anger, she lashed out and told me I was just holding grudges. That year I started purging.. and cutting. She wouldn't listen if I tried to be honest.
Then grad school started, and I had to be happy and normal to teach. I taught and then at home I drank. Any time I stopped drinking, any little thing would make me cry.. and I was devoted to school, so I'd cry in the bathroom or around certain professors. I couldn't let most people know how sick I was.
So now... I have a few friends left from high school, and they don't mistreat me.. but I don't like telling the truth anyway. I don't like being treated like I'm sick. I have a friend or two from graduate school who don't understand depression or alcoholism. So my life is most comfortable if I lie.
Safety would be having friends and family and an environment where I could be open and honest without being judged. This might be being honest and crying. This might be cancelling plans to stay home. I don't do this though.. my mom was not initially understanding about the alcohol (and in the past about the bulimia). They have been understanding since then at points and at others not acknowledged what was going on unless I said anything. They would notice the tremors or that something was wrong, but they didn't say anything. That left me with the responsibility to tell them everything. My friends.. don't understand. I can tell that watching them.
So I feel I have to hide. Being honest might lead to being judged. Being sober may lead to shaking and sadness, and I might be asked to explain.
To me, safety means letting everything show. This mostly seems safe around doctors and strangers. Even then, I worry about being kept too long in hospital or having to miss work/school for help. This just isn't an option. Even in AA there are people who might hear what's going on and expect me to do whatever they think is right.
I can only be hurt and hopeless at home without being judged or questioned. I can't be sick without my ability to teach be questioned. So my environment isn't safe. Being honest could impact my life. Being honest could affect my future.
Safety is facing the unknown without consequence. And really... I don't know what will happen. I don't know if my depression will get worse. I don't know if I'll have seizures and DTs from alcohol withdrawal. I don't know if someone will notice the shaking or the sadness or whatever. I am not safe. I know so many ways for things to go wrong. Even my friends and family might treat me different because I act different... because I cry and am scared and want to be alone.
I almost wish I was all alone. I wouldn't have to be worried about how others see me. I do not feel safe to just let the unknown happen. Now... to figure out how any of this thinking makes a difference.
Saturday, September 27, 2014
Being a disappointment
Lately I feel like such a failure and a disappointment when I talk to certain people at AA. Not just there... around my family and around professors at school. A lot of places. I feel like so many people care about me and want good things for me, and I'm just digging a deeper and deeper hole for myself.
Today I went to my usual women's meeting at AA. Most meetings (sorry if I am repeating myself about this) I can tell everyone I'm fine or good or whatever, and I really feel like they believe me. Maybe they just don't argue, but I do have them ask every once and a while someone asks how long I've been sober. They seem legitimately surprised if I say just today or that I haven't been.
The other day I had at least one person tell me how I'm always smiling. This hurts and also is a relief. Even prior to the drinking, I have managed to convince people so many times that I'm ok. I even convince them I'm happy and outgoing. So many times I do this, but inside I know I'm miserable and suicidal and scared. And there's part of me that always wants someone to see through it and understand how bad things are.
Well, some women at AA seem to see through it. Maybe women are better at hiding and therefore better at seeing others hide. I hate that I never get to pass or listen because the leader (my grand-sponsor) will say I can pass for now and she'll come back to me. She'll come back to me and everyone stares at me.. my sponsor, her sponsor, and a few women who seem to have taken an interest in me. They mean well, but I feel like if I was honest they'd be disappointed or hurt.
Not only am I drinking, but I'm depressed and a little bit suicidal. This is made worse by how much people talk about suicide in AA. It's probably not that often, but it does seem to happen when I am not doing well. Today they called on me and all I could think of is to say I had a bad week and that some of that was my fault. I skipped meetings over resentments (which was awkward to say since one woman there was the biggest resentment). I chose unhealthy friends over meetings. Somehow sitting there, this all became clear.
There's one older woman who seems to really like me.. more so than others my age. She sits by me. She whispers/gossips to me during the meetings (which is fine since we dislike the same people). Today she brought me a yogurt parfait from McDonalds.. I had already had lunch with a friend, but I ate it anyway because it was nice of her and it would probably hurt her if I declined. She stares at me just like my sponsor does when they ask me to share. She hasn't been around in a few weeks, so I don't know how she thinks I'm doing. Does she see me shake? Does she see my fear? I can't bring myself to mention it.
After the meeting, I was talking to one guy who was hanging out at the group. He started complaining about his roommate who is another woman in AA. The two of them are the ones who tried to guilt me into eating at the group and have otherwise tried to guilt me into social situations at AA when I didn't want to.
At some point, my sponsor comes over and asks if I want to have some girls talk with her and a few others (her sponsor and one of her sponsor's coworkers and one other woman). Later I mentioned how it got me out of an awkward conversation, and she mentioned that I have a certain facial expression when trapped. It was funny and a good conversation.
I sat there wondering if they were all aware I'm doing so poorly. I mean.. I assume my sponsor's sponsor (grand-sponsor) is aware I haven't been calling my sponsor or that I've said at least once I was drinking. Yet, the woman never mentions that. She hugged me and said she was proud of me one day, and I couldn't tell why she would be proud of me.
My sponsor wanted me to go shopping with her or go over to her house. Besides the drinking, I am still so very tired of being around people. I could tell she was disappointed when I said no. I don't know if this is because she knew I'd drink or just because I said no. I keep worrying that she won't want to be my sponsor anymore, but I said something when we were talking after the meeting about dreaming I had a conversation with my sponsor and that I took that as a hint I should call her. She said something about it making sense or being understood that I should call my sponsor, so I guess she's still ok with this? I don't know. I feel like a failure.
The guy I had been talking to asked how long I had been sober and then asked what I was drinking over/about. I don't know the answer. I just know I'm unhappy and scared, and while drinking is the solution it is also the cause.
My sponsor still cares, and so do some other women. And it hurts. It hurts to be cared about when really I just want out of this pain and this life. It hurts to fail them and disappoint them. It hurts that they never tell me that I'm a disappointment. I almost want to quit AA so I don't have to think about others.. I don't have to really acknowledge people love me. I mean my parents love me, but I assume this is just the expected love of parents and child.. they have an obligation. People in AA and some of my friends have no requirement to love me, and it is so hard to believe that I have some qualities that make me worth loving. I know isolation would kill me, but it would be some relief to not have anyone else care about my existence. Nobody else to think about. And I know that's not possible, and that's what's so miserable.
Today I went to my usual women's meeting at AA. Most meetings (sorry if I am repeating myself about this) I can tell everyone I'm fine or good or whatever, and I really feel like they believe me. Maybe they just don't argue, but I do have them ask every once and a while someone asks how long I've been sober. They seem legitimately surprised if I say just today or that I haven't been.
The other day I had at least one person tell me how I'm always smiling. This hurts and also is a relief. Even prior to the drinking, I have managed to convince people so many times that I'm ok. I even convince them I'm happy and outgoing. So many times I do this, but inside I know I'm miserable and suicidal and scared. And there's part of me that always wants someone to see through it and understand how bad things are.
Well, some women at AA seem to see through it. Maybe women are better at hiding and therefore better at seeing others hide. I hate that I never get to pass or listen because the leader (my grand-sponsor) will say I can pass for now and she'll come back to me. She'll come back to me and everyone stares at me.. my sponsor, her sponsor, and a few women who seem to have taken an interest in me. They mean well, but I feel like if I was honest they'd be disappointed or hurt.
Not only am I drinking, but I'm depressed and a little bit suicidal. This is made worse by how much people talk about suicide in AA. It's probably not that often, but it does seem to happen when I am not doing well. Today they called on me and all I could think of is to say I had a bad week and that some of that was my fault. I skipped meetings over resentments (which was awkward to say since one woman there was the biggest resentment). I chose unhealthy friends over meetings. Somehow sitting there, this all became clear.
There's one older woman who seems to really like me.. more so than others my age. She sits by me. She whispers/gossips to me during the meetings (which is fine since we dislike the same people). Today she brought me a yogurt parfait from McDonalds.. I had already had lunch with a friend, but I ate it anyway because it was nice of her and it would probably hurt her if I declined. She stares at me just like my sponsor does when they ask me to share. She hasn't been around in a few weeks, so I don't know how she thinks I'm doing. Does she see me shake? Does she see my fear? I can't bring myself to mention it.
After the meeting, I was talking to one guy who was hanging out at the group. He started complaining about his roommate who is another woman in AA. The two of them are the ones who tried to guilt me into eating at the group and have otherwise tried to guilt me into social situations at AA when I didn't want to.
At some point, my sponsor comes over and asks if I want to have some girls talk with her and a few others (her sponsor and one of her sponsor's coworkers and one other woman). Later I mentioned how it got me out of an awkward conversation, and she mentioned that I have a certain facial expression when trapped. It was funny and a good conversation.
I sat there wondering if they were all aware I'm doing so poorly. I mean.. I assume my sponsor's sponsor (grand-sponsor) is aware I haven't been calling my sponsor or that I've said at least once I was drinking. Yet, the woman never mentions that. She hugged me and said she was proud of me one day, and I couldn't tell why she would be proud of me.
My sponsor wanted me to go shopping with her or go over to her house. Besides the drinking, I am still so very tired of being around people. I could tell she was disappointed when I said no. I don't know if this is because she knew I'd drink or just because I said no. I keep worrying that she won't want to be my sponsor anymore, but I said something when we were talking after the meeting about dreaming I had a conversation with my sponsor and that I took that as a hint I should call her. She said something about it making sense or being understood that I should call my sponsor, so I guess she's still ok with this? I don't know. I feel like a failure.
The guy I had been talking to asked how long I had been sober and then asked what I was drinking over/about. I don't know the answer. I just know I'm unhappy and scared, and while drinking is the solution it is also the cause.
My sponsor still cares, and so do some other women. And it hurts. It hurts to be cared about when really I just want out of this pain and this life. It hurts to fail them and disappoint them. It hurts that they never tell me that I'm a disappointment. I almost want to quit AA so I don't have to think about others.. I don't have to really acknowledge people love me. I mean my parents love me, but I assume this is just the expected love of parents and child.. they have an obligation. People in AA and some of my friends have no requirement to love me, and it is so hard to believe that I have some qualities that make me worth loving. I know isolation would kill me, but it would be some relief to not have anyone else care about my existence. Nobody else to think about. And I know that's not possible, and that's what's so miserable.
Friday, September 26, 2014
How ideas get planted
So I decided this evening that I hate when my therapist (or really anyone) asks if I'm suicidal and if I have a plan. The truth is, I'm always a bit suicidal. At least for the past couple years, death sounds good. Well really, death doesn't sound good, but life sounds bad. This is only a sort of background thought. I find myself saying "I wish I were dead" occasionally or just that I don't want to wake up. I guess this might not be normal?
Well, when my therapist asked if I had suicidal thoughts with a plan, my thoughts became drawn more toward suicide. Not wanting to do it exactly, but thinking about it and how I would do it. Thinking more on how alcohol might kill me and realizing that even though I assumed it would kill me, that may not be a quick enough death.
This is made a bit more complicated by something that happened last night. I don't remember what time this was, but I know I had already been drinking because I know I felt drunk. Anyway, I was sitting at my computer and heard tires squeal out in the parking lot... that isn't entirely unusual. Well, then I heard a definite crash. I hesitated for a moment, but then I went outside. I was barefoot but I went down the stairs and into the parking lot by my apartment building. I wasn't the only one. A few others from my building and others were walking out. I didn't see anything at first, but there was a parked car in front of another building that was clearly damaged. A lot of people clearly had no idea what happened but asked me if anyone was hurt. Someone was saying the guy who hit the car was drunk. It was unclear who it was.. someone said it was a guy who must have been nearby, others said someone drove off. Once I knew nobody was hurt and one of my neighbors had called the cops, I went back to my apartment. I had drinking to do.
So the thought of this drunk driver hitting a car outside my apartment made me think more about the whole alcoholism concept. I have driven slightly drunk before. I have not driven in the evening when I was drinking. I drink at home and usually only start drinking when I know I have enough alcohol for the night. However, I will drive in the morning when I am probably not 100% sober if I need to go to school.
I for a while tried to believe that I couldn't possibly be legally "drunk" at that time, but I do remember going into detox once and it was at least 10am when I got to the emergency room (most hospitals make you go through the emergency room to get to the psych ward). Anyway, I did not feel sober but this was confirmed later when the doctor commented that my blood alcohol was more than 0.1 in the ER and the legal limit is 0.08%.. so I hadn't had a drink since the night before and I was still "drunk" the next morning.
Today, I should have been at school at noon for a required class/group where students present journal articles. Well, i woke up at almost 11 and was exhausted and felt a bit drunk. I texted my friend that I wouldn't be there and went back to bed. I am not sure I slept much, but I didn't get out of bed until almost 2pm. I showered and dress and went to seminar (a professor or guest presents).
By then, I was fairly certain I was sober. I sat through seminar and then went to my parents house to celebrate my brother's birthday. Anyway, I keep thinking of my therapist's question about being suicidal.. and now that's complicated by the whole drunk driving idea
I need help. Help that I probably can't have. I need to do my job and try to manage work at school. Fuck being healthy. I don't see any option of me going to rehab, so that's why I see me dying of this. Maybe I'm wrong... and I need to be honest with my sponsor about this. Maybe I can get well. I just worry that physically this could be very bad. My shakes have gotten worse. I drank to hide them yesterday. Today I saw my parents only a bit so could hide my hands under the table. Still, I feel my face twitch now. I think my whole body is rebelling... so even sobriety is dangerous if I can't be in hospital. I am scared of so many things now. Tremors or seizures are scarier than death. How screwed up is that?
Well, when my therapist asked if I had suicidal thoughts with a plan, my thoughts became drawn more toward suicide. Not wanting to do it exactly, but thinking about it and how I would do it. Thinking more on how alcohol might kill me and realizing that even though I assumed it would kill me, that may not be a quick enough death.
This is made a bit more complicated by something that happened last night. I don't remember what time this was, but I know I had already been drinking because I know I felt drunk. Anyway, I was sitting at my computer and heard tires squeal out in the parking lot... that isn't entirely unusual. Well, then I heard a definite crash. I hesitated for a moment, but then I went outside. I was barefoot but I went down the stairs and into the parking lot by my apartment building. I wasn't the only one. A few others from my building and others were walking out. I didn't see anything at first, but there was a parked car in front of another building that was clearly damaged. A lot of people clearly had no idea what happened but asked me if anyone was hurt. Someone was saying the guy who hit the car was drunk. It was unclear who it was.. someone said it was a guy who must have been nearby, others said someone drove off. Once I knew nobody was hurt and one of my neighbors had called the cops, I went back to my apartment. I had drinking to do.
So the thought of this drunk driver hitting a car outside my apartment made me think more about the whole alcoholism concept. I have driven slightly drunk before. I have not driven in the evening when I was drinking. I drink at home and usually only start drinking when I know I have enough alcohol for the night. However, I will drive in the morning when I am probably not 100% sober if I need to go to school.
I for a while tried to believe that I couldn't possibly be legally "drunk" at that time, but I do remember going into detox once and it was at least 10am when I got to the emergency room (most hospitals make you go through the emergency room to get to the psych ward). Anyway, I did not feel sober but this was confirmed later when the doctor commented that my blood alcohol was more than 0.1 in the ER and the legal limit is 0.08%.. so I hadn't had a drink since the night before and I was still "drunk" the next morning.
Today, I should have been at school at noon for a required class/group where students present journal articles. Well, i woke up at almost 11 and was exhausted and felt a bit drunk. I texted my friend that I wouldn't be there and went back to bed. I am not sure I slept much, but I didn't get out of bed until almost 2pm. I showered and dress and went to seminar (a professor or guest presents).
By then, I was fairly certain I was sober. I sat through seminar and then went to my parents house to celebrate my brother's birthday. Anyway, I keep thinking of my therapist's question about being suicidal.. and now that's complicated by the whole drunk driving idea
I need help. Help that I probably can't have. I need to do my job and try to manage work at school. Fuck being healthy. I don't see any option of me going to rehab, so that's why I see me dying of this. Maybe I'm wrong... and I need to be honest with my sponsor about this. Maybe I can get well. I just worry that physically this could be very bad. My shakes have gotten worse. I drank to hide them yesterday. Today I saw my parents only a bit so could hide my hands under the table. Still, I feel my face twitch now. I think my whole body is rebelling... so even sobriety is dangerous if I can't be in hospital. I am scared of so many things now. Tremors or seizures are scarier than death. How screwed up is that?
Thursday, September 25, 2014
New low
Today was not a good day for several reasons.
I woke up and got ready to go to therapy. I go to my parents house after for dinner and to do laundry. Admittedly, it feels weird to be 28 and doing laundry at my parents house, but I do the laundry myself.. it's just cheaper than going to a laundromat. Plus, I am going there anyway.
Therapy was.. awkward. I sat there and just didn't want to be there. She asked what i wanted to talk about, and I said I didn't know because I feel like everything is the same. I talk about the same problems over and over without any progress. She said we could do something different.
This includes either doing some sort of psychodrama.. which can mean many things. I usually hate the whole role playing idea, though I've done some powerful stuff in residential treatment. She wanted me to use props (random crap) to represent my life or my addiction or whatever.
Or this weird color shit. I looked up a link that sort of describes it sort of http://www.goodtherapy.org/emotional-transformation-therapy.html But it's basically using colors to stimulate certain thoughts or emotions. She either uses a "light box" which is literally staring at a light that can be adjusted to different colors. I HATE the light box, and I did make that clear a few months back. There's also a chart, which is basically a rainbow colored board. She adjusts it to make me stare at certain colors.
I will fully admit that the chart is weird. The colors move, and it irritates me. She has repeatedly tried to make me look at the yellow, and suddenly half the board is red so the yellow disappears. I'm sure this means something, but I told her we've done that and nothing happened.
So I vetoed those ideas. We ended up talking about hopelessness. I guess it was pretty obvious how hopeless I felt. Enough that she asked if I had a suicide plan. I don't.. I told her I just assumed the alcohol would kill me. I cried a lot. She said it made her sad to essentially see a child that didn't feel loved. I don't like when she says that because my parents did their best. It wasn't that they didn't love me, but I just didn't feel it.. I didn't think they heard me but I hid all my emotions. They tried, but in large part due to bullying and loneliness at school, I came to believe that I should keep it all to myself. I came to believe there was something wrong with me. Surely, I did something to make other kids not like me or ignore me or pick on me.
So that was depressing. The real low point though was after that. I told my therapist it really concerned me being around my parents because I can't control how my hands shake. It's not just my hands, my whole leg or arm may twitch. My psychiatrist had given me neurontin (gabapentin) which is an anti-seizure med that can help with alcohol cravings and with tremors. this worked for a while, and it does help some now but not enough to stop the shakes. So today, I took a water bottle with some vodka with me.
I waited until I got to my parents house after therapy. I drank some vodka which was now very warm. I drank maybe equivalent to 2-3 shots and went inside. I started my laundry and after a while thought maybe I needed more. I was shaking a bit. I took the neurontin and then went to my car and drank some more. In between times I tried to get the alcohol smell off my breath. I ate some peanuts and some breath mints hoping one would cancel it out. I did start feeling pretty sleepy with the alcohol and medication, but I think/hope I didn't seem drunk when my parents got home.
So.. how bad is it that I now need to drink to stop the shakes? I took some pride in the fact that I didn't drink during the day and only rarely hid vodka if I was staying overnight at my parents house. Now, I have changed that. I hid vodka and drank it during the afternoon.
Maybe I really am speeding along the path to death. They say in AA that alcoholism leads to jails, institutions, or death if we don't recover. Jail.. seems unlikely since I drink alone at home and have never (even blacked out) left the apartment drunk. Institutions.. possible but really only if someone makes me or someone pays for it. I have always managed to wait until semesters ended and work ended to go into treatment. And then it was for short periods of time because I understand how expensive it can be and how much debt I could be in. Death... quite possible. It could be alcohol poisoning, falling and hitting my head, it could be liver failure or heart problems or whatever, or it could be suicide. Many options there.
So yes.. not a good day. I am (and this is mainly a reminder to myself) supposed to blog about the concept of a safe environment, safe to make recovery seem possible and less hopeless. I'm not sure where to go with that, but that's for another day.
Thank you to those who read this and those who have left comments. It really does help to be heard(read) and understood.
I woke up and got ready to go to therapy. I go to my parents house after for dinner and to do laundry. Admittedly, it feels weird to be 28 and doing laundry at my parents house, but I do the laundry myself.. it's just cheaper than going to a laundromat. Plus, I am going there anyway.
Therapy was.. awkward. I sat there and just didn't want to be there. She asked what i wanted to talk about, and I said I didn't know because I feel like everything is the same. I talk about the same problems over and over without any progress. She said we could do something different.
This includes either doing some sort of psychodrama.. which can mean many things. I usually hate the whole role playing idea, though I've done some powerful stuff in residential treatment. She wanted me to use props (random crap) to represent my life or my addiction or whatever.
Or this weird color shit. I looked up a link that sort of describes it sort of http://www.goodtherapy.org/emotional-transformation-therapy.html But it's basically using colors to stimulate certain thoughts or emotions. She either uses a "light box" which is literally staring at a light that can be adjusted to different colors. I HATE the light box, and I did make that clear a few months back. There's also a chart, which is basically a rainbow colored board. She adjusts it to make me stare at certain colors.
I will fully admit that the chart is weird. The colors move, and it irritates me. She has repeatedly tried to make me look at the yellow, and suddenly half the board is red so the yellow disappears. I'm sure this means something, but I told her we've done that and nothing happened.
So I vetoed those ideas. We ended up talking about hopelessness. I guess it was pretty obvious how hopeless I felt. Enough that she asked if I had a suicide plan. I don't.. I told her I just assumed the alcohol would kill me. I cried a lot. She said it made her sad to essentially see a child that didn't feel loved. I don't like when she says that because my parents did their best. It wasn't that they didn't love me, but I just didn't feel it.. I didn't think they heard me but I hid all my emotions. They tried, but in large part due to bullying and loneliness at school, I came to believe that I should keep it all to myself. I came to believe there was something wrong with me. Surely, I did something to make other kids not like me or ignore me or pick on me.
So that was depressing. The real low point though was after that. I told my therapist it really concerned me being around my parents because I can't control how my hands shake. It's not just my hands, my whole leg or arm may twitch. My psychiatrist had given me neurontin (gabapentin) which is an anti-seizure med that can help with alcohol cravings and with tremors. this worked for a while, and it does help some now but not enough to stop the shakes. So today, I took a water bottle with some vodka with me.
I waited until I got to my parents house after therapy. I drank some vodka which was now very warm. I drank maybe equivalent to 2-3 shots and went inside. I started my laundry and after a while thought maybe I needed more. I was shaking a bit. I took the neurontin and then went to my car and drank some more. In between times I tried to get the alcohol smell off my breath. I ate some peanuts and some breath mints hoping one would cancel it out. I did start feeling pretty sleepy with the alcohol and medication, but I think/hope I didn't seem drunk when my parents got home.
So.. how bad is it that I now need to drink to stop the shakes? I took some pride in the fact that I didn't drink during the day and only rarely hid vodka if I was staying overnight at my parents house. Now, I have changed that. I hid vodka and drank it during the afternoon.
Maybe I really am speeding along the path to death. They say in AA that alcoholism leads to jails, institutions, or death if we don't recover. Jail.. seems unlikely since I drink alone at home and have never (even blacked out) left the apartment drunk. Institutions.. possible but really only if someone makes me or someone pays for it. I have always managed to wait until semesters ended and work ended to go into treatment. And then it was for short periods of time because I understand how expensive it can be and how much debt I could be in. Death... quite possible. It could be alcohol poisoning, falling and hitting my head, it could be liver failure or heart problems or whatever, or it could be suicide. Many options there.
So yes.. not a good day. I am (and this is mainly a reminder to myself) supposed to blog about the concept of a safe environment, safe to make recovery seem possible and less hopeless. I'm not sure where to go with that, but that's for another day.
Thank you to those who read this and those who have left comments. It really does help to be heard(read) and understood.
Wednesday, September 24, 2014
A mid-week update
I could not think of a title. I will start with thanking those who have read my blog and given me feedback. Not just recently. It makes a huge difference in my mind to have people who support me and who understand. At times, I feel those who read this understand my life far more than those who know me in real life. So yes, thank you! It helps to hear any feedback because I feel less alone.
So last night I drank.. my log (now I use a computer notepad) said 11 shots. Don't know if this is accurate. I woke up and went to school around noon. Nobody came to my office hours, but I did some grading and dealt with some student emails.
Last night though, I actually had a dream of me calling my sponsor. I am not big on interpreting dreams. Even Freud, interprets certain dreams to represent a physical need (such as going to the bathroom). This I did see as a sign that maybe I should call her since I did see her Saturday but otherwise haven't communicated anything.
I survived the day teaching. It went ok. I left after and went to the liquor store. Then I went to the pet store for cat food. I seriously considered buying a pet rat. I realized this would mean buying a cage and finding space for it. Plus, I also have cats. I have not ruled out the possibility, but I am thinking about it.
After that, I showed up at the AA group. I sat around a bit and texted my sponsor to see if she was busy. I had messaged her earlier about the dream and my belief it was my mind recommending calling her. I brought up the occasions lately people had upset me: the woman essentially pointing out my relapse and being criticized by others for not eating with other members. She agreed that those situations were inappropriate. It was nice to hear that.
There was a woman who essentially (this is in the AA bitch post) pointed out my relapse in a meeting. My sponsor suggests having a conversation with her. I don't see this helping, but I may listen to my sponsor if she's there. We discussed some appropriate (but not always polite) way of responding to the other people.
We also talked about her life and some stuff going on with her daughter. It had to do with classes for the "gifted" which I was. I didn't remember the details, but I remember the process of being in a "gifted and talented" program.
Unlike my anorexics and bulimics sponsor, she told me these things as something she was excited about. It had nothing to do with me.
So today was better. I still feel hopeless and alone, but I have reached out by going to meetings and finally calling my sponsor. Yes, I drank, but I am trying. I am being social and outgoing. It really annoyed me that someone commented when I got to AA how I'm always smiling. I may smile, but I hope at least some that the smile is fake.
So I continue. I see my therapist tomorrow. Besides that, I have the weird distorted, addicted life I live. Much more complicated than some people. I'll write more tomorrow. I am definitely drunk
tomorrow
So last night I drank.. my log (now I use a computer notepad) said 11 shots. Don't know if this is accurate. I woke up and went to school around noon. Nobody came to my office hours, but I did some grading and dealt with some student emails.
Last night though, I actually had a dream of me calling my sponsor. I am not big on interpreting dreams. Even Freud, interprets certain dreams to represent a physical need (such as going to the bathroom). This I did see as a sign that maybe I should call her since I did see her Saturday but otherwise haven't communicated anything.
I survived the day teaching. It went ok. I left after and went to the liquor store. Then I went to the pet store for cat food. I seriously considered buying a pet rat. I realized this would mean buying a cage and finding space for it. Plus, I also have cats. I have not ruled out the possibility, but I am thinking about it.
After that, I showed up at the AA group. I sat around a bit and texted my sponsor to see if she was busy. I had messaged her earlier about the dream and my belief it was my mind recommending calling her. I brought up the occasions lately people had upset me: the woman essentially pointing out my relapse and being criticized by others for not eating with other members. She agreed that those situations were inappropriate. It was nice to hear that.
There was a woman who essentially (this is in the AA bitch post) pointed out my relapse in a meeting. My sponsor suggests having a conversation with her. I don't see this helping, but I may listen to my sponsor if she's there. We discussed some appropriate (but not always polite) way of responding to the other people.
We also talked about her life and some stuff going on with her daughter. It had to do with classes for the "gifted" which I was. I didn't remember the details, but I remember the process of being in a "gifted and talented" program.
Unlike my anorexics and bulimics sponsor, she told me these things as something she was excited about. It had nothing to do with me.
So today was better. I still feel hopeless and alone, but I have reached out by going to meetings and finally calling my sponsor. Yes, I drank, but I am trying. I am being social and outgoing. It really annoyed me that someone commented when I got to AA how I'm always smiling. I may smile, but I hope at least some that the smile is fake.
So I continue. I see my therapist tomorrow. Besides that, I have the weird distorted, addicted life I live. Much more complicated than some people. I'll write more tomorrow. I am definitely drunk
Tuesday, September 23, 2014
A decent (?) day?
Today went pretty well. I've decided to write here more often (sorry if it's too much to read) because really I'm not being fully honest with anyone.
Anyway, I had a meeting at school at 9am. I went home after to take a nap.. mainly because I was not exactly 100% sober and I was exhausted. I stayed up too late and drank too much. I didn't really nap, but I laid in bed for a while, and that was nice.
I had to be back at school at 1:30, but I went a bit early because parking is easier before 1. I did some grading. I had one student who told me she was coming.. she came in and I said hi. I think she thought I didn't remember who she was, but really I was waiting for her to start talking. Normally, the students who care enough to come to office hours will start talking and rambling over whatever they're anxious about. Anyway, she sat down and I said she had questions about the lab report. She still looked at me weird, so I asked what they were.
Really, my students are worrying me this semester, though this is not unusual. I was grading quizzes, and it wasn't just that the answers were wrong. They made no sense. One I texted to a friend was "A non-competitive inhibitor work as place where it stored energy. It would not affect [the rate of reaction] at all since it would stay low".. The question was about how a certain class of inhibitors affect enzymes.. this made no sense. Plus, I had lots of students saying the substrate (what the enzyme works on) binds at the side or bottom of the enzyme... because clearly they are always facing the same direction. It does upset me because I teach them the correct information. I even went back and looked at their lab manual a few times to be sure it says what I thought it did. I guess they don't read the book.
So after that, I went shopping with L (the vampire who's boyfriend killed himself) at an outlet mall that's about 30-40 miles from where we live. It is a huge mall.. we walked probably almost a mile to go around it. We went to a lot of stores, but I only bought 2 shirts. I kept talking myself out of buying things. Sometimes I have difficulty spending money on myself.
We left and had dinner.. I was a bit annoyed because I ordered something that was a grilled chicken breast. The waiter asked to make sure that's what I ordered, but what I got was the roasted chicken which is bigger and has the skin on. I didn't feel like sending it back, so I picked it apart. I didn't come close to finishing all of it (and the fries that came with it), and I was only charged for the grilled chicken which costs less.
Then we went to a grocery store that has a lot of unique or organic foods. I really am not a fan of "organic" food because it takes more land and more resources. People who buy it tend to be opposed to genetic changes in crops, which can be bad but mostly are meant to develop food that can be grown in harsh environments. Pest resistant crops and such are important for developing countries that don't have the money and resources required to make an environment where some crops will grow. I admit it's a complicated subject, but I hate buying expensive foods that many people can't afford. That's rambling a bit.. I ended up buying some fruit and bread. I don't have much food in my apartment apart from frozen meals, and I know I should actually be eating fruits and vegetables.
I got home pretty late and drank half a bottle of vodka. I am still feeling depressed and I still keep thinking that I won't survive this semester. I feel like either the alcohol will kill me or I'll kill myself. I haven't actually called my sponsor in over a week. I saw her briefly Saturday. I do realize I am letting my frustration with some people at AA affect my desire/willingness to go to meetings. I keep thinking I'll call her, but I know that I am not sure I want to stop drinking. It's killing me but it keeps me sane.
So it was mostly a good day. I bought a sweater and a shirt. Thankfully tomorrow I can sleep late. I've been exhausted. I really doubt I'll ever be a normal functioning adult. I really dislike a lot of my life, and I can't imagine it getting better. So a good day but a very depressed mind.
Anyway, I had a meeting at school at 9am. I went home after to take a nap.. mainly because I was not exactly 100% sober and I was exhausted. I stayed up too late and drank too much. I didn't really nap, but I laid in bed for a while, and that was nice.
I had to be back at school at 1:30, but I went a bit early because parking is easier before 1. I did some grading. I had one student who told me she was coming.. she came in and I said hi. I think she thought I didn't remember who she was, but really I was waiting for her to start talking. Normally, the students who care enough to come to office hours will start talking and rambling over whatever they're anxious about. Anyway, she sat down and I said she had questions about the lab report. She still looked at me weird, so I asked what they were.
Really, my students are worrying me this semester, though this is not unusual. I was grading quizzes, and it wasn't just that the answers were wrong. They made no sense. One I texted to a friend was "A non-competitive inhibitor work as place where it stored energy. It would not affect [the rate of reaction] at all since it would stay low".. The question was about how a certain class of inhibitors affect enzymes.. this made no sense. Plus, I had lots of students saying the substrate (what the enzyme works on) binds at the side or bottom of the enzyme... because clearly they are always facing the same direction. It does upset me because I teach them the correct information. I even went back and looked at their lab manual a few times to be sure it says what I thought it did. I guess they don't read the book.
So after that, I went shopping with L (the vampire who's boyfriend killed himself) at an outlet mall that's about 30-40 miles from where we live. It is a huge mall.. we walked probably almost a mile to go around it. We went to a lot of stores, but I only bought 2 shirts. I kept talking myself out of buying things. Sometimes I have difficulty spending money on myself.
We left and had dinner.. I was a bit annoyed because I ordered something that was a grilled chicken breast. The waiter asked to make sure that's what I ordered, but what I got was the roasted chicken which is bigger and has the skin on. I didn't feel like sending it back, so I picked it apart. I didn't come close to finishing all of it (and the fries that came with it), and I was only charged for the grilled chicken which costs less.
Then we went to a grocery store that has a lot of unique or organic foods. I really am not a fan of "organic" food because it takes more land and more resources. People who buy it tend to be opposed to genetic changes in crops, which can be bad but mostly are meant to develop food that can be grown in harsh environments. Pest resistant crops and such are important for developing countries that don't have the money and resources required to make an environment where some crops will grow. I admit it's a complicated subject, but I hate buying expensive foods that many people can't afford. That's rambling a bit.. I ended up buying some fruit and bread. I don't have much food in my apartment apart from frozen meals, and I know I should actually be eating fruits and vegetables.
I got home pretty late and drank half a bottle of vodka. I am still feeling depressed and I still keep thinking that I won't survive this semester. I feel like either the alcohol will kill me or I'll kill myself. I haven't actually called my sponsor in over a week. I saw her briefly Saturday. I do realize I am letting my frustration with some people at AA affect my desire/willingness to go to meetings. I keep thinking I'll call her, but I know that I am not sure I want to stop drinking. It's killing me but it keeps me sane.
So it was mostly a good day. I bought a sweater and a shirt. Thankfully tomorrow I can sleep late. I've been exhausted. I really doubt I'll ever be a normal functioning adult. I really dislike a lot of my life, and I can't imagine it getting better. So a good day but a very depressed mind.
Monday, September 22, 2014
Hopeless? Depressed? Older?
So today I turned 28. I used to like birthdays. I like holidays in general, but birthdays are a time when my friends and family focus on me. A bit self centered? though I suppose everyone is. The past few years, birthday=stress. I don't care about my age. The number means very little. I have friends that freaked out as they neared 30. Or enjoyed still being young or whatever. Me... I have so little hope for my life that age is irrelevant. I get annoyed with my friends talking about being too old to marry or have kids (they aren't too old). Me... I think it annoys me because I believe both those things are impossible. I don't have goals.. I mean I would like to be out of grad school by age 30, but then I envision a miserable job.
That was... a bit pessimistic. The main stress is that everyone wants to see me. In high school and college (mostly), I celebrated my birthday with 1. my family and 2. my friends. My friends that I was close with all liked each other and got along, so we would all go to dinner. My family would pick a time we could all have dinner, and we'd do that. 2 celebrations.
Now (and for a few years) it isn't that simple.
1. My acquaintances and sort of friends from school will say happy birthday either on facebook or in person. I actually dislike being noticed and feel I call attention to the people who I don't remind of my birthday and only see it as a facebook notification. Honestly, there's a lot of people I find out the same way.
2. I have 2 friends from eating disorder support groups/treatment (not counting those who I only know on facebook) and a couple years ago they decided they couldn't see each other. One doesn't dislike the other one but gossips about what the other does or when the other is in treatment and all sorts of gossip. The other actively decided she couldn't eat with girl 1 because of her eating disorder behaviors (tearing food apart, dipping everything in ketchup and salt, taking sandwiches apart, etc). She has a point. The behaviors bother me, but I don't try to change them. So for a while I saw them every couple weeks separately. That means I would have a separate dinner or lunch with each. This year one is in California in treatment I guess (don't know current details). The other I will see next Sunday for lunch.
3. I have my 2 friends from college/high school who currently have a 2 year old son and are expecting another child. I didn't tell them this year or last that my birthday was coming up. Last year, they found out via facebook and asked what i wanted. I didn't know.. ended up asking for a water filter pitcher, which is kinda boring but very useful. For some reason the husband in this case, doesn't get along with some other friends. I don't know.. he is kinda a know-it-all and very talkative, and I guess probably irritating if you aren't around him much. He does upset me at times. I think this year we are having lunch after church Sunday.
4. I have another friend I have known since we were 9 or 10 years old. We were friends (with a lot of dysfunction) through junior high and high school. She now has a 3 year old and a 1 year old and a husband I like but never knew well. We saw each other yesterday as well as seeing another woman I knew in high school but doesn't live locally (there are others I know but don't see anymore).
5. Grad school friends. I have 2 good friends here (well, good may not be accurate anymore). At the moment, they are not speaking. This was initially very awkward. One has kept in touch, texted me, talked to me when we see each other, and gone for lunch with. The other, I was in touch with before school started. She is bipolar and off her meds. It is unclear how much she told me is true and how much is paranoia.
I have not had a specific birthday celebration with either, but the first I am going shopping with tomorrow and the other hasn't spoken with in weeks. These are the 2 my sponsor calls "vampires" because I am the contact between them and their emotional support and in a at times very screwed up codependent relationship with. I am in some ways (this sounds terrible) very grateful that I have not heard from the one in weeks. She in particular has triggered relapses. The other, I am attempting to maintain reasonable boundaries with.
6. Family. This is the least complicated. I have a brother who is 2 years older. I saw him and my parents yesterday for dinner and gifts. I see my brother maybe once a week. We get along but have little in common. My parents I see frequently, so really there is more than one celebration because I get to choose dinner places and such when I see them near my birthday.
My birthday is September 22nd (1986), and my brother is September 26th (1984). When we were kids, it was a bit hard because he's older but technically my birthday comes first each year. Now, we basically pick a day each that all 4 of us can attend. This may be before or after the actual date. It is only frustrating in that I normally see my parents twice a week: Thursdays and Sundays. This is just when my schedule makes it easiest to visit. When we add in my brother's birthday, I am expected to be there whenever he is available to celebrate (currently my schedule is less complicated). When I lived with my parents, this didn't matter at all.
Now, I live around 40 miles away from them. So going there is almost an hour each way and includes gas expense. My parents do help me financially as far as travel goes, but I really can only spend so much time with them before I go a bit crazy. With his birthday, I am seeing them 3 days this week (one day I see them is when I drive out there to see my therapist) so an extra 70-80 miles. I am cooperative with this because my brother should not be punished for my job and his job not working the same schedule. He has always been reasonable about this. It mostly means more driving.
Anyway, I hope you can see reading this that you can see that I have 1 birthday, but a lot of separate celebrations. To some this may seem great.. lots of being self centered and gifts. You may also see that for someone who is an introvert and who has difficulty with meals and who has difficulty with boundaries and with stress, this is really complicated and stressful.
Part of why I do not discuss my birthday with few people is that they likely will not understand that more attention and more public meals is hard on me. I enjoy most of these people but normally don't have to include them all within a week. Instead of enjoying the extra attention, honestly, right now I would like to cease to exist to others for some time and replenish my own energy.
Those who are extroverts or who enjoy lots of interaction never seem to understand that to others this is painful and stressful.
I am rambling, but I just want to attempt to explain that attention does not equal happiness. That a lot of happy interactions are not cumulative, but they rather require more energy and stress, In all, more attention does not equal more hapiness
Honestly, in some ways, I enjoy not being noticed at
That was... a bit pessimistic. The main stress is that everyone wants to see me. In high school and college (mostly), I celebrated my birthday with 1. my family and 2. my friends. My friends that I was close with all liked each other and got along, so we would all go to dinner. My family would pick a time we could all have dinner, and we'd do that. 2 celebrations.
Now (and for a few years) it isn't that simple.
1. My acquaintances and sort of friends from school will say happy birthday either on facebook or in person. I actually dislike being noticed and feel I call attention to the people who I don't remind of my birthday and only see it as a facebook notification. Honestly, there's a lot of people I find out the same way.
2. I have 2 friends from eating disorder support groups/treatment (not counting those who I only know on facebook) and a couple years ago they decided they couldn't see each other. One doesn't dislike the other one but gossips about what the other does or when the other is in treatment and all sorts of gossip. The other actively decided she couldn't eat with girl 1 because of her eating disorder behaviors (tearing food apart, dipping everything in ketchup and salt, taking sandwiches apart, etc). She has a point. The behaviors bother me, but I don't try to change them. So for a while I saw them every couple weeks separately. That means I would have a separate dinner or lunch with each. This year one is in California in treatment I guess (don't know current details). The other I will see next Sunday for lunch.
3. I have my 2 friends from college/high school who currently have a 2 year old son and are expecting another child. I didn't tell them this year or last that my birthday was coming up. Last year, they found out via facebook and asked what i wanted. I didn't know.. ended up asking for a water filter pitcher, which is kinda boring but very useful. For some reason the husband in this case, doesn't get along with some other friends. I don't know.. he is kinda a know-it-all and very talkative, and I guess probably irritating if you aren't around him much. He does upset me at times. I think this year we are having lunch after church Sunday.
4. I have another friend I have known since we were 9 or 10 years old. We were friends (with a lot of dysfunction) through junior high and high school. She now has a 3 year old and a 1 year old and a husband I like but never knew well. We saw each other yesterday as well as seeing another woman I knew in high school but doesn't live locally (there are others I know but don't see anymore).
5. Grad school friends. I have 2 good friends here (well, good may not be accurate anymore). At the moment, they are not speaking. This was initially very awkward. One has kept in touch, texted me, talked to me when we see each other, and gone for lunch with. The other, I was in touch with before school started. She is bipolar and off her meds. It is unclear how much she told me is true and how much is paranoia.
I have not had a specific birthday celebration with either, but the first I am going shopping with tomorrow and the other hasn't spoken with in weeks. These are the 2 my sponsor calls "vampires" because I am the contact between them and their emotional support and in a at times very screwed up codependent relationship with. I am in some ways (this sounds terrible) very grateful that I have not heard from the one in weeks. She in particular has triggered relapses. The other, I am attempting to maintain reasonable boundaries with.
6. Family. This is the least complicated. I have a brother who is 2 years older. I saw him and my parents yesterday for dinner and gifts. I see my brother maybe once a week. We get along but have little in common. My parents I see frequently, so really there is more than one celebration because I get to choose dinner places and such when I see them near my birthday.
My birthday is September 22nd (1986), and my brother is September 26th (1984). When we were kids, it was a bit hard because he's older but technically my birthday comes first each year. Now, we basically pick a day each that all 4 of us can attend. This may be before or after the actual date. It is only frustrating in that I normally see my parents twice a week: Thursdays and Sundays. This is just when my schedule makes it easiest to visit. When we add in my brother's birthday, I am expected to be there whenever he is available to celebrate (currently my schedule is less complicated). When I lived with my parents, this didn't matter at all.
Now, I live around 40 miles away from them. So going there is almost an hour each way and includes gas expense. My parents do help me financially as far as travel goes, but I really can only spend so much time with them before I go a bit crazy. With his birthday, I am seeing them 3 days this week (one day I see them is when I drive out there to see my therapist) so an extra 70-80 miles. I am cooperative with this because my brother should not be punished for my job and his job not working the same schedule. He has always been reasonable about this. It mostly means more driving.
Anyway, I hope you can see reading this that you can see that I have 1 birthday, but a lot of separate celebrations. To some this may seem great.. lots of being self centered and gifts. You may also see that for someone who is an introvert and who has difficulty with meals and who has difficulty with boundaries and with stress, this is really complicated and stressful.
Part of why I do not discuss my birthday with few people is that they likely will not understand that more attention and more public meals is hard on me. I enjoy most of these people but normally don't have to include them all within a week. Instead of enjoying the extra attention, honestly, right now I would like to cease to exist to others for some time and replenish my own energy.
Those who are extroverts or who enjoy lots of interaction never seem to understand that to others this is painful and stressful.
I am rambling, but I just want to attempt to explain that attention does not equal happiness. That a lot of happy interactions are not cumulative, but they rather require more energy and stress, In all, more attention does not equal more hapiness
Honestly, in some ways, I enjoy not being noticed at
Friday, September 19, 2014
AA bitch
I should preface this with this story from tonight is not the only reason I call her a bitch. She likes to be in everyone's business. She judgmental. She has said some pretty offensive things in meetings like how her daughter is a lesbian and doesn't approve of it, which has nothing to do with alcohol and has no place in a meeting. She's bad about cross talk and correcting what other people say.
Well, tonight I went to the 6pm meeting. Afterward, I was sitting in the room waiting for the 8pm meeting. She asks how I'm doing. I said I'm ok. She asks essentially if I'm lying. I nodded. So we ended up talking.. and it started ok. She was asking about the crucifix I had on and talked about how I should rely on god and how he loves me.
Then she starts asking me about me teaching and if I'd thought about teaching high school. I said no. She goes on about teaching for a bit. I said I wanted to do research, and she says that's because I'm avoiding being around people. No research job is going to prevent me being around people.
So she asks me if I've finished the paper I'm doing at school. I say no and she looks disapproving. We talk about school and she thinks I should change mentors. I try to explain that at this point it doesn't matter much. It only mattered when I was doing research because she sucks at helping in the lab.
Anyway, 8pm rolls around. It was a lousy meeting. Lots of people talking about how much they want to drink or rambling about how people don't take the program seriously. Anyway, very negative.
When the meeting is ending, I see this woman is holding a desire chip, which is supposed to be if you want to stay sober for 24 hours. She points at me, which means other people saw her do it, and most of them don't know about the relapse because I've only told people I really trust. I shake my head. I go to pick up my purse and leave, and a really sweet guy motions for me to stay. He says that it's about when I'm ready. I stay but stare at the table.
The meeting ends and the guy comes over and says it's about when I'm ready and not to let anyone push me. I thank him. He's a really nice guy. I've seen him at other meetings but never really talked to him. He's right, and I know that. It's none of this woman's business. Even if she means well, nobody is supposed to force those chips on someone. If I took it, I'd be lying. I didn't intend to be sober tonight.
My main objection to what she did is that she pointed to me in front of everyone, and if this guy noticed other people probably did too. I know she was looking at the chairperson when she picked up the chip and pointed at me. I do not think it is at all appropriate to point someone out as not being sober. I mean it's not like I was drunk in the meeting. Some people don't think people should talk in meetings if they aren't sober, and I did not say a single word. And again it gives me no credit for sitting through 2 meetings. I went to meetings monday, tuesday, wednesday, and tonight. I'll go to one tomorrow, though she might be there, so I may tell my sponsor and use her as defense. I don't know how many people actually noticed her point to me, but it is just so inappropriate. I accept her giving me advice. I don't like it, but I know she meant well. But you can't force someone to get sober, especially not by shaming them.
So now I have yet another resentment against her to deal with. I really let the others go (though they were replaced by the other people who think they know what's best for me), but I was upset by this.
Well, tonight I went to the 6pm meeting. Afterward, I was sitting in the room waiting for the 8pm meeting. She asks how I'm doing. I said I'm ok. She asks essentially if I'm lying. I nodded. So we ended up talking.. and it started ok. She was asking about the crucifix I had on and talked about how I should rely on god and how he loves me.
Then she starts asking me about me teaching and if I'd thought about teaching high school. I said no. She goes on about teaching for a bit. I said I wanted to do research, and she says that's because I'm avoiding being around people. No research job is going to prevent me being around people.
So she asks me if I've finished the paper I'm doing at school. I say no and she looks disapproving. We talk about school and she thinks I should change mentors. I try to explain that at this point it doesn't matter much. It only mattered when I was doing research because she sucks at helping in the lab.
Anyway, 8pm rolls around. It was a lousy meeting. Lots of people talking about how much they want to drink or rambling about how people don't take the program seriously. Anyway, very negative.
When the meeting is ending, I see this woman is holding a desire chip, which is supposed to be if you want to stay sober for 24 hours. She points at me, which means other people saw her do it, and most of them don't know about the relapse because I've only told people I really trust. I shake my head. I go to pick up my purse and leave, and a really sweet guy motions for me to stay. He says that it's about when I'm ready. I stay but stare at the table.
The meeting ends and the guy comes over and says it's about when I'm ready and not to let anyone push me. I thank him. He's a really nice guy. I've seen him at other meetings but never really talked to him. He's right, and I know that. It's none of this woman's business. Even if she means well, nobody is supposed to force those chips on someone. If I took it, I'd be lying. I didn't intend to be sober tonight.
My main objection to what she did is that she pointed to me in front of everyone, and if this guy noticed other people probably did too. I know she was looking at the chairperson when she picked up the chip and pointed at me. I do not think it is at all appropriate to point someone out as not being sober. I mean it's not like I was drunk in the meeting. Some people don't think people should talk in meetings if they aren't sober, and I did not say a single word. And again it gives me no credit for sitting through 2 meetings. I went to meetings monday, tuesday, wednesday, and tonight. I'll go to one tomorrow, though she might be there, so I may tell my sponsor and use her as defense. I don't know how many people actually noticed her point to me, but it is just so inappropriate. I accept her giving me advice. I don't like it, but I know she meant well. But you can't force someone to get sober, especially not by shaming them.
So now I have yet another resentment against her to deal with. I really let the others go (though they were replaced by the other people who think they know what's best for me), but I was upset by this.
Thursday, September 18, 2014
Stages of change
Last week my therapist brought up the stages of change and asked if I had heard of it. After she listed them I remembered hearing them somewhere. I can't remember what hospital or rehab or wherever I heard it, but that's not really relevant.
If you've never heard them, these are the stages
Pre-contemplatio- not really acknowledging the problem exists
Contemplation- acknowledging the problem and thinking of overcoming it or changing
Preparation- Intending to change and overcome the problem
Action- change behavior or environment to deal with the problem
Maintenance- doing what behavior is necessary to not go back to the problem
She gave me some copies of pages from a book about recovery from eating disorders, although really we are talking about drinking. For some reason, I left the pages in my car. I think I didn't want to deal with it tonight.
What I am supposed to be thinking about is that I don't want change, so I am supposed to think about what makes me not want change (in this case sobriety). I am supposed to write about it this week. So I thought I'd start here.
The most obvious is that I just don't like change. I don't like the unknown. This came up when doing my 4th step. My fear list contained a lot of things that really when I read them had to deal with not liking the unknown. I feel like any change involves accepting the unknown. Any change can succeed or fail. It can be helpful or not. It can make things better, the same, or worse.. and I can't know which beforehand.
I was diagnosed with depression at 15, so this is over 12 years ago. I have prayed for it to be removed from me. I have done therapy, the majority of medications that exist, hospital stays, and whatever else. If I were to give up drinking, would I go back to that deep depression or would I feel better?
When I was diagnosed at 15, I was already cutting or scratching or whatever self harm. This eventually got better. Then at 20, bulimia took over. I was binging and purging multiple times a day everyday. I was calling in sick to work because I had constant headaches. I was skipping class to binge and purge because it was all I could think about. I started cutting again and worse than before.
I was restricting and purging and went to a residential treatment facility for my bulimia. While there, I started self harming again. I would pull staples off the wall. I would find nails in the wall. I would steal plastic forks and break them in half to get a semi-sharp edge. I went home and this didn't stop.
I started grad school and the bulimia returned. I would skip meals. I would purge meals. When I lost my teaching job, I would stop eating for days. Then the drinking took over.
So the fear there is that if I give up drinking, I will go back to the bulimia or cutting. I have purged a few times in the past 2 weeks. I have cut off and on. This is a very real obstacle or fear because it is based on experience. I mean I guess with therapy and support I should get over whatever makes me do these things. The problem is that it's not that simple.. I have no trauma to deal with. I am aware of my self esteem problems. I do acknowledge some things that have happened with friends that screwed up my thinking. None of that knowledge has fixed it. So why would sobriety fix this shit?
If I quit drinking and somehow the rest is fixed, what the hell will happen? I haven't known any real periods of recovery from all 3 addictions. Will the depression be there? Will I be able to handle it? Or will I go to the state I have been in hospital where I am behaving myself but crying randomly. Will I go to the state where I am sober but scared that I actually might kill myself?
I was talking about in a meeting yesterday that the 2nd step says "We came to believe in a power greater than ourselves that could restore us to sanity." I have no problem with believing in a higher power. My problem is believing that he will ever restore me to sanity (whatever that is) because I have prayed so many times for the depression to be removed. I have prayed for the bulimia to be removed. I have prayed for the desire to drink to be removed. None of that has happened. I understand that believing in a God who is all powerful means that this God could restore me to sanity. I just have trouble reading the step as a power that would restore me to sanity. I know that's not how it's meant to be read, but I get stuck on this. If I change, how will I know that God will remove everything? Will he just remove the desire to drink since that's what I go to AA for. What on earth is sanity anyways?
So yes.. there are many obstacles between the contemplation stage and action. Based on past experience, I honestly have reason to doubt that I will be happy and healthy. I don't know.. maybe I'll sort through this if I stop drinking. I do acknowledge my fucked up thinking. I just never had moved past it. And now I am mostly trying to function.. this means managing to go to school/work and not have anyone realize how bad things are. I seem to be successful with this because nobody has said anything about me being upset or ok or stressed. At meetings, nobody seems to mention if I am sober or not. I don't know there if they're trying not to make me uncomfortable or if (and I have reason to believe this with a lot of people) they think I am doing well.
So I may write more about this, but this is a start.
If you've never heard them, these are the stages
Pre-contemplatio- not really acknowledging the problem exists
Contemplation- acknowledging the problem and thinking of overcoming it or changing
Preparation- Intending to change and overcome the problem
Action- change behavior or environment to deal with the problem
Maintenance- doing what behavior is necessary to not go back to the problem
She gave me some copies of pages from a book about recovery from eating disorders, although really we are talking about drinking. For some reason, I left the pages in my car. I think I didn't want to deal with it tonight.
What I am supposed to be thinking about is that I don't want change, so I am supposed to think about what makes me not want change (in this case sobriety). I am supposed to write about it this week. So I thought I'd start here.
The most obvious is that I just don't like change. I don't like the unknown. This came up when doing my 4th step. My fear list contained a lot of things that really when I read them had to deal with not liking the unknown. I feel like any change involves accepting the unknown. Any change can succeed or fail. It can be helpful or not. It can make things better, the same, or worse.. and I can't know which beforehand.
I was diagnosed with depression at 15, so this is over 12 years ago. I have prayed for it to be removed from me. I have done therapy, the majority of medications that exist, hospital stays, and whatever else. If I were to give up drinking, would I go back to that deep depression or would I feel better?
When I was diagnosed at 15, I was already cutting or scratching or whatever self harm. This eventually got better. Then at 20, bulimia took over. I was binging and purging multiple times a day everyday. I was calling in sick to work because I had constant headaches. I was skipping class to binge and purge because it was all I could think about. I started cutting again and worse than before.
I was restricting and purging and went to a residential treatment facility for my bulimia. While there, I started self harming again. I would pull staples off the wall. I would find nails in the wall. I would steal plastic forks and break them in half to get a semi-sharp edge. I went home and this didn't stop.
I started grad school and the bulimia returned. I would skip meals. I would purge meals. When I lost my teaching job, I would stop eating for days. Then the drinking took over.
So the fear there is that if I give up drinking, I will go back to the bulimia or cutting. I have purged a few times in the past 2 weeks. I have cut off and on. This is a very real obstacle or fear because it is based on experience. I mean I guess with therapy and support I should get over whatever makes me do these things. The problem is that it's not that simple.. I have no trauma to deal with. I am aware of my self esteem problems. I do acknowledge some things that have happened with friends that screwed up my thinking. None of that knowledge has fixed it. So why would sobriety fix this shit?
If I quit drinking and somehow the rest is fixed, what the hell will happen? I haven't known any real periods of recovery from all 3 addictions. Will the depression be there? Will I be able to handle it? Or will I go to the state I have been in hospital where I am behaving myself but crying randomly. Will I go to the state where I am sober but scared that I actually might kill myself?
I was talking about in a meeting yesterday that the 2nd step says "We came to believe in a power greater than ourselves that could restore us to sanity." I have no problem with believing in a higher power. My problem is believing that he will ever restore me to sanity (whatever that is) because I have prayed so many times for the depression to be removed. I have prayed for the bulimia to be removed. I have prayed for the desire to drink to be removed. None of that has happened. I understand that believing in a God who is all powerful means that this God could restore me to sanity. I just have trouble reading the step as a power that would restore me to sanity. I know that's not how it's meant to be read, but I get stuck on this. If I change, how will I know that God will remove everything? Will he just remove the desire to drink since that's what I go to AA for. What on earth is sanity anyways?
So yes.. there are many obstacles between the contemplation stage and action. Based on past experience, I honestly have reason to doubt that I will be happy and healthy. I don't know.. maybe I'll sort through this if I stop drinking. I do acknowledge my fucked up thinking. I just never had moved past it. And now I am mostly trying to function.. this means managing to go to school/work and not have anyone realize how bad things are. I seem to be successful with this because nobody has said anything about me being upset or ok or stressed. At meetings, nobody seems to mention if I am sober or not. I don't know there if they're trying not to make me uncomfortable or if (and I have reason to believe this with a lot of people) they think I am doing well.
So I may write more about this, but this is a start.
Wednesday, September 17, 2014
Embarrassment
I finally did pick up the medication I wasn't taking from the pharmacy. It was really frustrating because I called Monday to get it filled, but they were having trouble verifying insurance (not just mine), and of course I called at 9pm so because of the insurance problem it wasn't done by the time I went to bed around midnight. I got it yesterday. I wasn't sure if I took it when I woke up this morning, but apparently I filled my weekly pill organizer and took it. I think I was blacked out.
Today started ok. I slept until after 10am because I didn't need to be at school until afternoon. Teaching went better than Monday. My Wednesday class works much faster although there was one group who had to repeat part of the experiment 4 times. I kinda felt bad because they were clearly frustrated, but it was their own fault. It's this annoying experiment that if they don't read/understand the procedure people tend to screw up. They did finally get it. I actually like all the students in my Wednesday class because they do try.
Well, I got done around 6, and I left to go to the liquor store and then get something to eat. Well, I get to the liquor store and my debit card isn't in my wallet. I used it to buy a soda at school, and I thought I put it back, but it wasn't there. My credit card was declined (maxed out). I went out to my car and searched my purse, backpack, and lab coat. No luck. I went back in and asked if they took checks, and at this point I'm anxious and embarrassed. I hate when my cards get declined.. especially for $7.
Anyway, the guy told me just to take it because he had already put it into the cash register.. or something. I was embarrassed, but I took the bottle. Now I'm not sure I can go back to that store again. I mean he probably thinks I'm really poor and can't afford a $7 bottle of vodka. In my defense, I have quite a bit of money in my bank account but not on my credit cards.
I did manage to make a payment on my credit card using my phone, which is good because I was almost out of gas in my car. I got gas and dinner and went to the 8pm AA meeting.
Another slight embarrassment yesterday, one of my AA friends showed up and wanted a couple of us to help her work on some math problem from her brother's homework. She had been trying to help him with it. Anyway, she didn't have any paper, so I went to get some from my backpack. Well, I also had a bottle of vodka in the trunk of my car in one of the paper bags they use at the liquor store. I'm sure if someone there saw it, they'd know what it was. So I tried to cover it with my purse while I got the paper and then with my backpack. I'm hoping she didn't notice. Honestly, I'm pretty sure she knows I'm not sober. I told her when I relapsed after my 5th step, so I think she knows I'm still drinking.
Going to meetings this week, I am also a bit embarrassed because I know I'm not sober and most people don't. I want to stop and yet I don't. I was having a lot of suicidal thoughts before the relapse, so part of me is scared of stopping. It's only a matter of time until my hands start shaking again, and then I really will have to face reality. Right now they don't shake, so I can convince myself I'm ok. I know I'm not ok, but at least I am functioning.
Today started ok. I slept until after 10am because I didn't need to be at school until afternoon. Teaching went better than Monday. My Wednesday class works much faster although there was one group who had to repeat part of the experiment 4 times. I kinda felt bad because they were clearly frustrated, but it was their own fault. It's this annoying experiment that if they don't read/understand the procedure people tend to screw up. They did finally get it. I actually like all the students in my Wednesday class because they do try.
Well, I got done around 6, and I left to go to the liquor store and then get something to eat. Well, I get to the liquor store and my debit card isn't in my wallet. I used it to buy a soda at school, and I thought I put it back, but it wasn't there. My credit card was declined (maxed out). I went out to my car and searched my purse, backpack, and lab coat. No luck. I went back in and asked if they took checks, and at this point I'm anxious and embarrassed. I hate when my cards get declined.. especially for $7.
Anyway, the guy told me just to take it because he had already put it into the cash register.. or something. I was embarrassed, but I took the bottle. Now I'm not sure I can go back to that store again. I mean he probably thinks I'm really poor and can't afford a $7 bottle of vodka. In my defense, I have quite a bit of money in my bank account but not on my credit cards.
I did manage to make a payment on my credit card using my phone, which is good because I was almost out of gas in my car. I got gas and dinner and went to the 8pm AA meeting.
Another slight embarrassment yesterday, one of my AA friends showed up and wanted a couple of us to help her work on some math problem from her brother's homework. She had been trying to help him with it. Anyway, she didn't have any paper, so I went to get some from my backpack. Well, I also had a bottle of vodka in the trunk of my car in one of the paper bags they use at the liquor store. I'm sure if someone there saw it, they'd know what it was. So I tried to cover it with my purse while I got the paper and then with my backpack. I'm hoping she didn't notice. Honestly, I'm pretty sure she knows I'm not sober. I told her when I relapsed after my 5th step, so I think she knows I'm still drinking.
Going to meetings this week, I am also a bit embarrassed because I know I'm not sober and most people don't. I want to stop and yet I don't. I was having a lot of suicidal thoughts before the relapse, so part of me is scared of stopping. It's only a matter of time until my hands start shaking again, and then I really will have to face reality. Right now they don't shake, so I can convince myself I'm ok. I know I'm not ok, but at least I am functioning.
Saturday, September 13, 2014
Sabotage or just failure?
Things are pretty bad. I started drinking again on Tuesday. I've been drinking ever since.
Prior to that, last weekend I stopped taking my mood stabilizer because I didn't want to have to ask my parents (or anyone else) for money to pay for it. It's not expensive, but there's a yearly deductible for prescriptions that I think starts in september. So that would make it expensive. Then the past couple days I haven't been good about taking my anti-depressant in the morning.
The question is whether this is really self sabotage or I really just fail at being sober.
I've still gone to meetings. Thursday I didn't because I was at my parent's house. Friday, I went to a friend's house for dinner, so I only went to the 10pm meeting. It was about gratitude, and I really had trouble feeling grateful for anything. After the meeting, one of the guys wanted everyone to go to eat after. This particular guy... I have issues with. I feel like he really tries to cross boundaries and pressure me to do things. I really just wanted to go home since it had been a long day. He starts talking about gazelle.. and how it's the one on the outside of the herd that gets eaten. So not being involved in everything AA means I'll drink.. and.. I didn't say I was drinking again. I just don't think I'm on the outside either.. I go to AA pretty much everyday. I have a sponsor. I talk to people between meetings. I just would like to go home at 11pm and not go to eat.
Today was the 32nd anniversary of the founding of my home group. They had 3 speakers planned. My sponsor called around 11am and asked what i was doing. I said I was going to eat and then go to the meetings (1pm, 2pm, and 3pm). I ate and then went to listen to the speakers. At 4pm after the speakers, there was going to be a fish fry and various other food.
I went to leave at 4 to go home and a couple people I know asked if I was leaving. I said I don't like food and crowds, which is true. One said that staying in my comfort zone keeps me sick... and he may or may not be right, but I mean I was there for 3 hours.. which is not in my comfort zone.
So my issue is, why is everything I do in AA not enough? I average one meeting a day at least. I do talk to my sponsor and at least text other people in AA. I hang out after meetings a few times a week. I have on many occasions eaten with people from the group. I speak in at least a couple meetings a week (the gazelle guy claims he has never heard me speak but it's not my fault he's never been there on the many occasions I have).
And yet, I'm not sober.. so maybe they're right. I just hate not getting credit for how uncomfortable I make myself by going there. I am not leaving meetings early or trying to leave without speaking to anyone. I am not on the outside of the herd. I am just not sober. I am depressed and a bit suicidal and self destructive. I am using alcohol to self medicate and maybe replace the medicine I'm not taking.
So yes, there's a lot I'm doing wrong, but the couple people at AA really upset me because they give me no credit for how much I have done. It would be so much easier not to go to meetings at all. It might kill me.. but it would be easier. I wonder if maybe I hide how bad things really are... maybe they think I'm actually sober. Maybe nobody realizes that I'm struggling to just stay alive.
I'm rambling... but yeah.. not doing well.
Prior to that, last weekend I stopped taking my mood stabilizer because I didn't want to have to ask my parents (or anyone else) for money to pay for it. It's not expensive, but there's a yearly deductible for prescriptions that I think starts in september. So that would make it expensive. Then the past couple days I haven't been good about taking my anti-depressant in the morning.
The question is whether this is really self sabotage or I really just fail at being sober.
I've still gone to meetings. Thursday I didn't because I was at my parent's house. Friday, I went to a friend's house for dinner, so I only went to the 10pm meeting. It was about gratitude, and I really had trouble feeling grateful for anything. After the meeting, one of the guys wanted everyone to go to eat after. This particular guy... I have issues with. I feel like he really tries to cross boundaries and pressure me to do things. I really just wanted to go home since it had been a long day. He starts talking about gazelle.. and how it's the one on the outside of the herd that gets eaten. So not being involved in everything AA means I'll drink.. and.. I didn't say I was drinking again. I just don't think I'm on the outside either.. I go to AA pretty much everyday. I have a sponsor. I talk to people between meetings. I just would like to go home at 11pm and not go to eat.
Today was the 32nd anniversary of the founding of my home group. They had 3 speakers planned. My sponsor called around 11am and asked what i was doing. I said I was going to eat and then go to the meetings (1pm, 2pm, and 3pm). I ate and then went to listen to the speakers. At 4pm after the speakers, there was going to be a fish fry and various other food.
I went to leave at 4 to go home and a couple people I know asked if I was leaving. I said I don't like food and crowds, which is true. One said that staying in my comfort zone keeps me sick... and he may or may not be right, but I mean I was there for 3 hours.. which is not in my comfort zone.
So my issue is, why is everything I do in AA not enough? I average one meeting a day at least. I do talk to my sponsor and at least text other people in AA. I hang out after meetings a few times a week. I have on many occasions eaten with people from the group. I speak in at least a couple meetings a week (the gazelle guy claims he has never heard me speak but it's not my fault he's never been there on the many occasions I have).
And yet, I'm not sober.. so maybe they're right. I just hate not getting credit for how uncomfortable I make myself by going there. I am not leaving meetings early or trying to leave without speaking to anyone. I am not on the outside of the herd. I am just not sober. I am depressed and a bit suicidal and self destructive. I am using alcohol to self medicate and maybe replace the medicine I'm not taking.
So yes, there's a lot I'm doing wrong, but the couple people at AA really upset me because they give me no credit for how much I have done. It would be so much easier not to go to meetings at all. It might kill me.. but it would be easier. I wonder if maybe I hide how bad things really are... maybe they think I'm actually sober. Maybe nobody realizes that I'm struggling to just stay alive.
I'm rambling... but yeah.. not doing well.
Tuesday, September 9, 2014
5th step
I don't know why it's been so impossible to post the past several days. Especially since I was doing really well. It's really easy to post about struggling, but for some reason posting about staying sober is really hard.
Anyway, I stopped drinking last Wednesday. I am not sure why I stopped... I just kept thinking about how miserable I was and how hard it would be to survive this semester. I was getting scared. So I stopped...
I had talked to my sponsor (well texted) about finishing my 4th step last week, and she had said she wanted it done by the weekend... well.. apparently she meant having my 5th step (admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs) done this weekend. She kidnapped me Saturday... I mean I went willingly, but I was not expecting her to keep me all day...
I went with her at 3 after the women's meeting. After picking up her daughter from the mall and dropping her off, she took me to her boyfriend's house since he was at work (she asked him first.. he's in AA too). We got through my resentment list, and she said that she needed to feed her younger daughter who had been home by herself for a couple hours (the other daughter went to a friend's house). She said the options were 1. she picked up her daughter and brought her to the boyfriend's house and we all would have dinner or 2. we'd go to the 8pm and 10pm meetings.
I didn't like either option. I said I was ok with picking up her daughter but probably wouldn't eat much. There was some debate about what we were eating. She ended up ordering chinese food, which was really not very good.. well mainly mine (kung pao chicken) had way too many mushrooms and stuff i didn't want. I ate some of it and some rice. I was honestly pretty embarrassed to be eating in front of her and her boyfriend. I'm weird eating around other people.
At like 9:30 (she was holding me hostage until the liquor stores closed at 9) she took me to get my car and I went home. I was pretty miserable... I didn't expect to do that all on Saturday, and I had really wanted to go to the liquor store. I ended up cutting when I got home.
After church and lunch with a friend, I met her Sunday to finish what we hadn't done saturday. This was mainly my fear list. It was.. weird. We kept getting distracted because we share so many of the same fears and stuff.. we talked about how almost everyone's inventory is very similar at least.
We finished.. and she started crying. She was saying that she knew I would get sober. She said something about being afraid there was something big we couldn't get past.. I don't know if this was based on knowing me or if this is every sponsor's fear. She asked if I left anything out, and I said no.
Anyway, at the end of the 5th step she said I could get rid of basically anything we wrote down during the 4th step. She asked what i wanted to do.. and we had discussed people burning theirs, and I do like fire (that sounds a bit psychotic but I think a lot of people are that way)... so I said we'd burn it.
I tore up everything I had and a couple sheets she gave me Saturday of notes she made.. mainly grouping resentments by things they affect and my part in them. We put it all in an ashtray.. AA has lots. She gave me a lighter. We did this in one of the extra rooms at the AA building. I am not sure we expected the fire to make as much smoke as it did.
I have pictures.
The first is soon after I lit it. It started escaping the ashtray.
Well, it kept burning.. and the goal was to burn every bit of writing.. I re-lit it a few times. Eventually, the smoke was making both our eyes water. My sponsor got a fan. Another woman came and mentioned (politely) it was going to make it hot during the next meeting, so we took it outside. The woman sat and talked to us, and she'd point out occasionally if there was still more writing. I kept stirring it and relighting it. Eventually the wind helped keep it lit long enough to get everything. This is towards the end.
After that, I was supposed to go meditate somewhere for an hour. I had no idea where to go. I certainly couldn't meditate in my apartment with my obnoxious cats.. so I went to school. I was intending to go to this chapel on campus.. I've never actually been. I couldn't even remember where it was, so I went looking. I ended up finding this garden on campus.. it was really pretty. I wandered around. I eventually found the chapel, but I wasn't sure if it was open, so I settled on the garden. Then.. I went searching for somewhere out of the sun and with as few ants as possible.
This was not really fun since I was dressed from church which meant long pants despite the heat and humidity and uncomfortable shoes. Anyway.. it was pretty. I managed to sit until I found an ant crawling on my arm. Then I moved elsewhere.
A photo
Well... I meditated and felt ok. Then Sunday night, I went to bed and felt terrified. I didn't know why, but I felt scared and couldn't fall asleep. i did think of a few things I didn't mention in the inventory.. but they're not exactly resentments or fears, so I don't know. I don't know if I skipped something or not. I don't know if maybe I'm just anxious because I ran out of my mood stabilizer.
Well, I made it through yesterday. Today, I went to a meeting at school and spent some time there. I wanted to drink. I've wanted to drink the past few days. I kept talking myself out of it since I have no reason. I am tired and stressed and not convinced I'll survive this year.
Today, I gave up. I went to the 6pm meeting, but I knew going into it that I wanted to drink. I didn't speak in the meeting. After it, I tried to leave and this one guy called me over. He commented on how he wants to hear me speak and joked about never hearing me speak. I did comment that I spoke a few times next week. I guess I haven't spoken in a meeting he was at.
i left though, and I bought vodka.. so after 6 days, I drank. I guess I'll pick up from there tomorrow.
Anyway, I stopped drinking last Wednesday. I am not sure why I stopped... I just kept thinking about how miserable I was and how hard it would be to survive this semester. I was getting scared. So I stopped...
I had talked to my sponsor (well texted) about finishing my 4th step last week, and she had said she wanted it done by the weekend... well.. apparently she meant having my 5th step (admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs) done this weekend. She kidnapped me Saturday... I mean I went willingly, but I was not expecting her to keep me all day...
I went with her at 3 after the women's meeting. After picking up her daughter from the mall and dropping her off, she took me to her boyfriend's house since he was at work (she asked him first.. he's in AA too). We got through my resentment list, and she said that she needed to feed her younger daughter who had been home by herself for a couple hours (the other daughter went to a friend's house). She said the options were 1. she picked up her daughter and brought her to the boyfriend's house and we all would have dinner or 2. we'd go to the 8pm and 10pm meetings.
I didn't like either option. I said I was ok with picking up her daughter but probably wouldn't eat much. There was some debate about what we were eating. She ended up ordering chinese food, which was really not very good.. well mainly mine (kung pao chicken) had way too many mushrooms and stuff i didn't want. I ate some of it and some rice. I was honestly pretty embarrassed to be eating in front of her and her boyfriend. I'm weird eating around other people.
At like 9:30 (she was holding me hostage until the liquor stores closed at 9) she took me to get my car and I went home. I was pretty miserable... I didn't expect to do that all on Saturday, and I had really wanted to go to the liquor store. I ended up cutting when I got home.
After church and lunch with a friend, I met her Sunday to finish what we hadn't done saturday. This was mainly my fear list. It was.. weird. We kept getting distracted because we share so many of the same fears and stuff.. we talked about how almost everyone's inventory is very similar at least.
We finished.. and she started crying. She was saying that she knew I would get sober. She said something about being afraid there was something big we couldn't get past.. I don't know if this was based on knowing me or if this is every sponsor's fear. She asked if I left anything out, and I said no.
Anyway, at the end of the 5th step she said I could get rid of basically anything we wrote down during the 4th step. She asked what i wanted to do.. and we had discussed people burning theirs, and I do like fire (that sounds a bit psychotic but I think a lot of people are that way)... so I said we'd burn it.
I tore up everything I had and a couple sheets she gave me Saturday of notes she made.. mainly grouping resentments by things they affect and my part in them. We put it all in an ashtray.. AA has lots. She gave me a lighter. We did this in one of the extra rooms at the AA building. I am not sure we expected the fire to make as much smoke as it did.
I have pictures.
The first is soon after I lit it. It started escaping the ashtray.
Well, it kept burning.. and the goal was to burn every bit of writing.. I re-lit it a few times. Eventually, the smoke was making both our eyes water. My sponsor got a fan. Another woman came and mentioned (politely) it was going to make it hot during the next meeting, so we took it outside. The woman sat and talked to us, and she'd point out occasionally if there was still more writing. I kept stirring it and relighting it. Eventually the wind helped keep it lit long enough to get everything. This is towards the end.
After that, I was supposed to go meditate somewhere for an hour. I had no idea where to go. I certainly couldn't meditate in my apartment with my obnoxious cats.. so I went to school. I was intending to go to this chapel on campus.. I've never actually been. I couldn't even remember where it was, so I went looking. I ended up finding this garden on campus.. it was really pretty. I wandered around. I eventually found the chapel, but I wasn't sure if it was open, so I settled on the garden. Then.. I went searching for somewhere out of the sun and with as few ants as possible.
This was not really fun since I was dressed from church which meant long pants despite the heat and humidity and uncomfortable shoes. Anyway.. it was pretty. I managed to sit until I found an ant crawling on my arm. Then I moved elsewhere.
A photo
Well... I meditated and felt ok. Then Sunday night, I went to bed and felt terrified. I didn't know why, but I felt scared and couldn't fall asleep. i did think of a few things I didn't mention in the inventory.. but they're not exactly resentments or fears, so I don't know. I don't know if I skipped something or not. I don't know if maybe I'm just anxious because I ran out of my mood stabilizer.
Well, I made it through yesterday. Today, I went to a meeting at school and spent some time there. I wanted to drink. I've wanted to drink the past few days. I kept talking myself out of it since I have no reason. I am tired and stressed and not convinced I'll survive this year.
Today, I gave up. I went to the 6pm meeting, but I knew going into it that I wanted to drink. I didn't speak in the meeting. After it, I tried to leave and this one guy called me over. He commented on how he wants to hear me speak and joked about never hearing me speak. I did comment that I spoke a few times next week. I guess I haven't spoken in a meeting he was at.
i left though, and I bought vodka.. so after 6 days, I drank. I guess I'll pick up from there tomorrow.
Friday, September 5, 2014
Money, vampires, and vodka
.. I just liked that title. It does fit what I'm writing about.
Money
I am very angry with the financial aid office at school now. Really angry. I don't remember exactly what parts of this whole fiasco I've shared. Well, after waiting for my money I emailed the financial aid last wednesday (Aug 27th) to ask what was going on. I received an email saying that they had released the funds to this company Higher Ed and so I should get it from the company in 2-3 business days.
So I wait. I email them yesterday (Sept 4th) to say I still haven't heard anything, who should I contact? The whole issue yesterday was that the stupid phone system for Higher Ed requires you to have the stupid card they give you even though in my case the money is deposited into my bank and not onto the dumb card.. so I didn't know where it was. There was no way to get past the automated system without the card number. I found it last night. At some point, financial aid responds and says to contact Higher Ed.
I call as soon as I get up today. Higher Ed says they haven't received anything from the school. So I email financial aid AGAIN. And (this is all the same person) responds "I apologize, your refund has not been sent to HigherOne yet. It has been disbursed but the funds have not been released by the Cashiers office. " and gives an email for them. I double checked and she specifically had said I should receive the money from Higher Ed which implies she knew the money was sent.
So I get to call the cashiers office and they say they had to manually release it because for some reason it didn't go through automatically. This means I will probably get the money next wednesday or thursday.
I get that it was probably some sort of computer error that it didn't get sent, but since I repeatedly emailed this same person about it, perhaps she could have actually checked this before today and I could have dealt with it sooner and not wait yet another week for this money. I am once again running out of money, and I really don't want to have to ask my parents, but I may have to.
Vampires
I really at times feel bad with this term, but it's still pretty accurate. So my friend L (the one whose boyfriend killed himself) had invited me to some party thing this evening. It's one where you host a party to sell some sort of product and by doing so get some discount.. it's weird. I've been to ones before where it was either makeup or jewelry. Anyway, she had even said when she sent this invitation there would be dinner and wine. I had told her I probably wouldn't go, but we could do lunch. I was actually supposed to go see other friends, but I cancelled that too because really I'm exhausted and not up to that much interaction.
So I explain the whole financial thing this morning because I'm almost in tears. I had also called my sponsor and so talked to her too. Anyway, L says I can borrow money from her and gets upset when I said I did a payday loan.. which I don't know if I explained.. it honest seems like these should be illegal. I borrowed $300.. and on October 1st when I get paid I have to pay back $300 plus $82 in interest. I explained how I owe my parents so much money. She offers to lend me money, but I really do not want to owe money to yet another person.. plus.. I'm really supposed to be keeping my distance.
We go to lunch.. and it goes ok. Mostly she talks.. and mostly about friends and drama and her ex boyfriend (the meth addict not the one who killed himself) and all sorts of stuff. I talked some. We go back to school for the department seminar. I sit with L since we had been at lunch together. We sit down. At some point, I look over and see B (bipolar vampire) sitting toward the other side of the room. She hadn't been there last week, so it hadn't been an issue who I sat with. I noticed B and sort of pointed her out to L. I am not sure if B noticed us. I was hoping not to get into anything. B left before us, so who knows.
I'm still saying out of it. The difference is that L has contacted me to make plans and texted me and talked to me. I haven't heard from B since before school started. I need to check with my sponsor, but I don't want to initiate a conversation.
Well, L drives me back to her house because I left my backpack there and then back to my car. She then starts going on about how we should hang out and how she's realized how our days are limited so we have to make the most of them and we should do things we enjoy and not be caught up with school.
It was sweet, but there was a bit of a creepy vibe.. like it almost started sounding possessive. Like I should have standing plans with her every week and find fun things to do together... and this starts to sound like how there were times B and I saw each other daily and hung out at her house and went to eat together... and those were the times where I relapsed when B went off her meds and got crazy. So I think my sponsor and I need to talk. I am not opposed to spending time with L. She's a good friend, but I need to figure out a way to do this and protect my sobriety.
And speaking of sobriety. Topic 3
Vodka
I wanted to drink in the morning when I was freaking out over money. I called my sponsor and I was pretty much stuck at school all day, so I couldn't go then. I felt ok after school because I just went to a craft store and then to AA.
Well, after the 6pm meeting I started thinking about it again. For the longest time, I would leave right after that meeting to go to the liquor store, or if I already had vodka to go home and drink and maximize my drinking time. Either way, I developed this habit of watching the clock, and it became almost painful watching the clock during the 8pm meetings knowing the liquor stores close at 9. Honestly.. there were so few days I wasn't drinking lately, but even knowing I had the liquor, I watched the clock anxious to go home and drink.
So I was watching the clock after the meeting. I texted my sponsor and she didn't respond for a while (she has kids and eats dinner around then). I decided to stay for the 8pm meeting but the room was way too loud, so there's a side room with chairs and a table. I went in there. I decided that since I bought a rosary a couple weeks ago, I could do that because a lot of praying the rosary is meditation. Though.. of course when I was looking online (I did not grow up catholic so I'm learning this stuff) Fridays you are supposed to meditate on the sorrowful mysteries. There's joyful mysteries, sorrowful mysteries, and luminous mysteries. Sorrowful mysteries are: Christ praying in the garden, Christ being scourged on the pillar, Christ being crowned with thorns, carrying the cross, and then the crucifixion.
But anyway.. I really was able to focus on it, but then this guy comes in. Everyone sort of loves and hates him at the same time.. I tend toward hate. He asks why I'm sitting there in the dark. I hold up the rosary. He asks if I'm catholic and I explain the whole byzantine catholic thing. He then sits down and starts talking to me.. about treatment and school.. well at some point I lose my place where I was holding the rosary. He finally leaves to go get something to eat, and I finish the last 2 parts.. but it really pissed me off. I mean I could tell him to leave, but I thought it was pretty obvious that if someone is sitting in a room alone with a rosary, they probably want to be alone.
Well, I stay for the 8pm meeting. It was awful.. it was basically everyone giving one guy advice over living with his addict girlfriend.. like not just sharing experience, actively telling him things. Really annoying.
I go to the 10pm meeting because I told someone I would. That meeting was ok. I was sitting there though (and this thought had been slowly growing) that I would drink tomorrow (Saturday). Not an urge.. just very matter of fact. I would drink. I would go to the womens meeting. I would probably try to get out of doing anything afterwards and if not limit it. Then I would drink. This is still in my head. It's too late to call my sponsor, and I don't know how I'll feel in the morning.. but yeah.. not sure how this will go.
Money
I am very angry with the financial aid office at school now. Really angry. I don't remember exactly what parts of this whole fiasco I've shared. Well, after waiting for my money I emailed the financial aid last wednesday (Aug 27th) to ask what was going on. I received an email saying that they had released the funds to this company Higher Ed and so I should get it from the company in 2-3 business days.
So I wait. I email them yesterday (Sept 4th) to say I still haven't heard anything, who should I contact? The whole issue yesterday was that the stupid phone system for Higher Ed requires you to have the stupid card they give you even though in my case the money is deposited into my bank and not onto the dumb card.. so I didn't know where it was. There was no way to get past the automated system without the card number. I found it last night. At some point, financial aid responds and says to contact Higher Ed.
I call as soon as I get up today. Higher Ed says they haven't received anything from the school. So I email financial aid AGAIN. And (this is all the same person) responds "I apologize, your refund has not been sent to HigherOne yet. It has been disbursed but the funds have not been released by the Cashiers office. " and gives an email for them. I double checked and she specifically had said I should receive the money from Higher Ed which implies she knew the money was sent.
So I get to call the cashiers office and they say they had to manually release it because for some reason it didn't go through automatically. This means I will probably get the money next wednesday or thursday.
I get that it was probably some sort of computer error that it didn't get sent, but since I repeatedly emailed this same person about it, perhaps she could have actually checked this before today and I could have dealt with it sooner and not wait yet another week for this money. I am once again running out of money, and I really don't want to have to ask my parents, but I may have to.
Vampires
I really at times feel bad with this term, but it's still pretty accurate. So my friend L (the one whose boyfriend killed himself) had invited me to some party thing this evening. It's one where you host a party to sell some sort of product and by doing so get some discount.. it's weird. I've been to ones before where it was either makeup or jewelry. Anyway, she had even said when she sent this invitation there would be dinner and wine. I had told her I probably wouldn't go, but we could do lunch. I was actually supposed to go see other friends, but I cancelled that too because really I'm exhausted and not up to that much interaction.
So I explain the whole financial thing this morning because I'm almost in tears. I had also called my sponsor and so talked to her too. Anyway, L says I can borrow money from her and gets upset when I said I did a payday loan.. which I don't know if I explained.. it honest seems like these should be illegal. I borrowed $300.. and on October 1st when I get paid I have to pay back $300 plus $82 in interest. I explained how I owe my parents so much money. She offers to lend me money, but I really do not want to owe money to yet another person.. plus.. I'm really supposed to be keeping my distance.
We go to lunch.. and it goes ok. Mostly she talks.. and mostly about friends and drama and her ex boyfriend (the meth addict not the one who killed himself) and all sorts of stuff. I talked some. We go back to school for the department seminar. I sit with L since we had been at lunch together. We sit down. At some point, I look over and see B (bipolar vampire) sitting toward the other side of the room. She hadn't been there last week, so it hadn't been an issue who I sat with. I noticed B and sort of pointed her out to L. I am not sure if B noticed us. I was hoping not to get into anything. B left before us, so who knows.
I'm still saying out of it. The difference is that L has contacted me to make plans and texted me and talked to me. I haven't heard from B since before school started. I need to check with my sponsor, but I don't want to initiate a conversation.
Well, L drives me back to her house because I left my backpack there and then back to my car. She then starts going on about how we should hang out and how she's realized how our days are limited so we have to make the most of them and we should do things we enjoy and not be caught up with school.
It was sweet, but there was a bit of a creepy vibe.. like it almost started sounding possessive. Like I should have standing plans with her every week and find fun things to do together... and this starts to sound like how there were times B and I saw each other daily and hung out at her house and went to eat together... and those were the times where I relapsed when B went off her meds and got crazy. So I think my sponsor and I need to talk. I am not opposed to spending time with L. She's a good friend, but I need to figure out a way to do this and protect my sobriety.
And speaking of sobriety. Topic 3
Vodka
I wanted to drink in the morning when I was freaking out over money. I called my sponsor and I was pretty much stuck at school all day, so I couldn't go then. I felt ok after school because I just went to a craft store and then to AA.
Well, after the 6pm meeting I started thinking about it again. For the longest time, I would leave right after that meeting to go to the liquor store, or if I already had vodka to go home and drink and maximize my drinking time. Either way, I developed this habit of watching the clock, and it became almost painful watching the clock during the 8pm meetings knowing the liquor stores close at 9. Honestly.. there were so few days I wasn't drinking lately, but even knowing I had the liquor, I watched the clock anxious to go home and drink.
So I was watching the clock after the meeting. I texted my sponsor and she didn't respond for a while (she has kids and eats dinner around then). I decided to stay for the 8pm meeting but the room was way too loud, so there's a side room with chairs and a table. I went in there. I decided that since I bought a rosary a couple weeks ago, I could do that because a lot of praying the rosary is meditation. Though.. of course when I was looking online (I did not grow up catholic so I'm learning this stuff) Fridays you are supposed to meditate on the sorrowful mysteries. There's joyful mysteries, sorrowful mysteries, and luminous mysteries. Sorrowful mysteries are: Christ praying in the garden, Christ being scourged on the pillar, Christ being crowned with thorns, carrying the cross, and then the crucifixion.
But anyway.. I really was able to focus on it, but then this guy comes in. Everyone sort of loves and hates him at the same time.. I tend toward hate. He asks why I'm sitting there in the dark. I hold up the rosary. He asks if I'm catholic and I explain the whole byzantine catholic thing. He then sits down and starts talking to me.. about treatment and school.. well at some point I lose my place where I was holding the rosary. He finally leaves to go get something to eat, and I finish the last 2 parts.. but it really pissed me off. I mean I could tell him to leave, but I thought it was pretty obvious that if someone is sitting in a room alone with a rosary, they probably want to be alone.
Well, I stay for the 8pm meeting. It was awful.. it was basically everyone giving one guy advice over living with his addict girlfriend.. like not just sharing experience, actively telling him things. Really annoying.
I go to the 10pm meeting because I told someone I would. That meeting was ok. I was sitting there though (and this thought had been slowly growing) that I would drink tomorrow (Saturday). Not an urge.. just very matter of fact. I would drink. I would go to the womens meeting. I would probably try to get out of doing anything afterwards and if not limit it. Then I would drink. This is still in my head. It's too late to call my sponsor, and I don't know how I'll feel in the morning.. but yeah.. not sure how this will go.
Thursday, September 4, 2014
1 day sober
Well, 1.5 if you count today so far. I have felt like shit this week. Depressed, exhausted, suicidal... So I thought I'd try for a day or two. Still depressed and lots of self destructive thoughts, and I'll be at my parent's house today, so very close to liquor stores. I guess I'll see what happens.
Tuesday, September 2, 2014
I f****ing hate/love the show Intervention... and I hate my life
The simplest summary of this entry is that I should be watching something else.. but anyway.
I really hate how the people on this show get to go to places I could never dream of affording. These are not places my insurance would pay for. These are nice rehab/treatment places. Places mainly for people with rich parents.
I mean... I am not some of these people... I'm not on meth (really common on the show), I don't have any kids (one I was watching), but honestly... I could be some of them.
One.. a woman who alternates between anorexia and alcoholism. At first a bottle of blueberry (yuck) vodka a day seems extreme.. but I've done a bottle a day of vodka
A woman who alternates anorexia and self harm.. I've cut worse than that.
The ones who drink wine or beer all day... the ones hiding vodka everywhere. I don't have a rich husband or family to hide my drinking from. My kitchen is filled with empty vodka bottles. I plan my schedule around getting vodka.
The thing is... My family is not the dramatic type to do a show like this. My family sure is not rich enough to send me to that sort of rehab. I have not lost kids and jobs and prostituted myself. I am in graduate school and work and put myself in debt to drink this way. I don't have kids because I have intentionally not put myself in situations with that risk because I knew emotionally I couldn't handle a family or a child
So yes, I fucking hate this show. Either people have families willing to do this drama and money and whatever to put people who don't want help through wonderful treatment places. Or people who have lost jobs and lives get treatment that I can't get because I have a fucking job and can't even afford what my insurance offers.
Yes, I'm crying hard writing this. The show has ended, so it's not even like I could try. Most people don't even know I'm this bad. My parents never have shown any interest in fighting for treatment mainly because since I got my own insurance, it was my job. I called and I obsessed and I cried over getting help.
And I am starting yet another semester of grad school with a great GPA (grade point average 3.84 out of 4) and only maybe a handful of people understand a little of this. Even they know how much I drink, but they don't realize at all how hopeless I am.
It fucking SUCKS to be such a "high functioning" alcoholic, bulimic, depressed, whatever. Nobody notices enough to fight for me. I'm healthy enough I can be expected to hold a job. I'm not on disability. I know people who are... and I honestly don't see them as sicker. I see them in a situation where family expects them to keep up the treatment-illness cycle. Or they have family that can afford whatever treatment is suggested.
Most people in my life ask when I expect to graduate with my masters degree. A few mention treatment... and the assumption then is even that it will be over the winter holiday or after graduation. There's probably some that just expect AA to fix it... and I'm not going to claim that isn't true.
Except, AA is the "softer way"... there's a part in the big book "How it works" that talks about trying to find "an easier, softer way but we could not"... and I'm sorry rehab is an easier softer way. Fuck even family that aware and that fight for it is easier and softer than this.
The 12 steps may be the answer, but there's a difference between working them in a safe, therapeutic treatment environment or in an environment where I can continue to depend on my family financially forever... and then going to grad school, teaching 3 classes a week, and pretending through all that that I am a functioning human being.
It is the 2nd week of school.... this is probably a bad sign. It's the 2nd week though of 4 years of grad school. Before that I had a couple more where I was working full time and responsible for my own insurance. In that time, I did go residential for bulimia... but that bordered on begging and pleading for help because I knew insurance would not pay for anything helpful since I was so fat. I was in psych hospitals and I don't remember how those bills worked out. I did end up on short term disability, but that ended pretty quickly when I went back to work after 2 months.
Since grad school, it is just me. I am the only one who advocates for help. I am the only one who knows the severity of my drinking. I am the one who hides everything from my job because if I lose it, I will have nothing. I am not convinced in this job that I will keep my job if I consider disability since everything is determined a semester at a time. And with all this, any treatment depends on the income and the insurance that comes from me being a functional teacher. And this fucking sucks.
I am an expert at pretending. I don't know my students reviews, but I have heard I have never had a complaint. I have covered for other graduate students and have them asked to attend my classes instead. So I am such a fucking WONDERFUL insane person that everyone loves me. And I am wondering how much longer I can live like this.
So the major life lesson is probably to stop watching "reality tv" about mental illness
I really hate how the people on this show get to go to places I could never dream of affording. These are not places my insurance would pay for. These are nice rehab/treatment places. Places mainly for people with rich parents.
I mean... I am not some of these people... I'm not on meth (really common on the show), I don't have any kids (one I was watching), but honestly... I could be some of them.
One.. a woman who alternates between anorexia and alcoholism. At first a bottle of blueberry (yuck) vodka a day seems extreme.. but I've done a bottle a day of vodka
A woman who alternates anorexia and self harm.. I've cut worse than that.
The ones who drink wine or beer all day... the ones hiding vodka everywhere. I don't have a rich husband or family to hide my drinking from. My kitchen is filled with empty vodka bottles. I plan my schedule around getting vodka.
The thing is... My family is not the dramatic type to do a show like this. My family sure is not rich enough to send me to that sort of rehab. I have not lost kids and jobs and prostituted myself. I am in graduate school and work and put myself in debt to drink this way. I don't have kids because I have intentionally not put myself in situations with that risk because I knew emotionally I couldn't handle a family or a child
So yes, I fucking hate this show. Either people have families willing to do this drama and money and whatever to put people who don't want help through wonderful treatment places. Or people who have lost jobs and lives get treatment that I can't get because I have a fucking job and can't even afford what my insurance offers.
Yes, I'm crying hard writing this. The show has ended, so it's not even like I could try. Most people don't even know I'm this bad. My parents never have shown any interest in fighting for treatment mainly because since I got my own insurance, it was my job. I called and I obsessed and I cried over getting help.
And I am starting yet another semester of grad school with a great GPA (grade point average 3.84 out of 4) and only maybe a handful of people understand a little of this. Even they know how much I drink, but they don't realize at all how hopeless I am.
It fucking SUCKS to be such a "high functioning" alcoholic, bulimic, depressed, whatever. Nobody notices enough to fight for me. I'm healthy enough I can be expected to hold a job. I'm not on disability. I know people who are... and I honestly don't see them as sicker. I see them in a situation where family expects them to keep up the treatment-illness cycle. Or they have family that can afford whatever treatment is suggested.
Most people in my life ask when I expect to graduate with my masters degree. A few mention treatment... and the assumption then is even that it will be over the winter holiday or after graduation. There's probably some that just expect AA to fix it... and I'm not going to claim that isn't true.
Except, AA is the "softer way"... there's a part in the big book "How it works" that talks about trying to find "an easier, softer way but we could not"... and I'm sorry rehab is an easier softer way. Fuck even family that aware and that fight for it is easier and softer than this.
The 12 steps may be the answer, but there's a difference between working them in a safe, therapeutic treatment environment or in an environment where I can continue to depend on my family financially forever... and then going to grad school, teaching 3 classes a week, and pretending through all that that I am a functioning human being.
It is the 2nd week of school.... this is probably a bad sign. It's the 2nd week though of 4 years of grad school. Before that I had a couple more where I was working full time and responsible for my own insurance. In that time, I did go residential for bulimia... but that bordered on begging and pleading for help because I knew insurance would not pay for anything helpful since I was so fat. I was in psych hospitals and I don't remember how those bills worked out. I did end up on short term disability, but that ended pretty quickly when I went back to work after 2 months.
Since grad school, it is just me. I am the only one who advocates for help. I am the only one who knows the severity of my drinking. I am the one who hides everything from my job because if I lose it, I will have nothing. I am not convinced in this job that I will keep my job if I consider disability since everything is determined a semester at a time. And with all this, any treatment depends on the income and the insurance that comes from me being a functional teacher. And this fucking sucks.
I am an expert at pretending. I don't know my students reviews, but I have heard I have never had a complaint. I have covered for other graduate students and have them asked to attend my classes instead. So I am such a fucking WONDERFUL insane person that everyone loves me. And I am wondering how much longer I can live like this.
So the major life lesson is probably to stop watching "reality tv" about mental illness
Monday, September 1, 2014
So I slept ok last night despite not drinking. I did stay up until 2am, so that might be part of it. The last entry was a whole long thing about the dilemma involving my motivations for drinking vs not drinking. Mainly, my reason for not drinking largely has to do with the visible signs. My hands shake constantly now, and I get weird muscle twitches where my foot or leg will move. It is not really possible to hide anymore.. I try my best. So I didn't drink last night
I got up and since I couldn't get back to sleep went to the noon meeting. There were a lot more people than I expected, so I was really uncomfortable. My sponsor came in late and was sitting in some corner of the room that I couldn't see. I don't know why but it bothers me when she sits where I can't see her. I think I'm half afraid she's going to call on me from there or if someone else does I can't see how she reacts (it's pretty obvious when she doesn't approve of me not speaking).
The meeting finished and I was desperate to leave. I stuck around for a couple minutes until the crowd thinned enough for me to say hi and she gave me a hug. I didn't want to dart out without acknowledging her.
She asked what I was doing. I said I was probably just going home. She encouraged me to work on my fourth step. I got through another 20 items. Still putting off my parents because I know there will be a lot of resentments, and I think it will be uncomfortable. As it is, I get a bit angry doing this.
I decided at 2:30 or so I decided to take a nap. Didn't really fall asleep. Went to get up and really wanted to go to the liquor store. I texted my sponsor and started crying.. just crying. She texted back and said I'd be shaking or still drunk at school tomorrow. I said I only had a meeting tomorrow. I ended up settling on saying I was going back to bed. Went back until a bit after 5.
I got up feeling just as bad. I went to the kitchen because I knew I should eat. I couldn't find anything I wanted to eat. I got a coke zero and sat at my computer. I started crying again. It took me several minutes to even find motivation to open the coke zero. At this point I was also crying because I could see my messy kitchen from where I was sitting. I didn't want to go back to bed, so I sat on the floor in the little hall between my living room and bedroom.
My cat did not seem to approve of me sitting on the floor.. like he kept headbutting and nuzzling me and walking in front of me. I guess even by cat standards sitting on the floor and crying is not normal behavior. I decided to go to the liquor store. It took me some time to eat a granola bar and brush my hair. I sat around a bit to see if my sponsor responded to my texts because I didn't want her calling while I was driving.
I got there and thought I'd cry in my car. I settled on buying vodka and driving to AA. I got home at 9pm, and ate some and did schoolwork for tomorrow. I finally did start drinking.
I really am questioning ability to survive this semester.
I got up and since I couldn't get back to sleep went to the noon meeting. There were a lot more people than I expected, so I was really uncomfortable. My sponsor came in late and was sitting in some corner of the room that I couldn't see. I don't know why but it bothers me when she sits where I can't see her. I think I'm half afraid she's going to call on me from there or if someone else does I can't see how she reacts (it's pretty obvious when she doesn't approve of me not speaking).
The meeting finished and I was desperate to leave. I stuck around for a couple minutes until the crowd thinned enough for me to say hi and she gave me a hug. I didn't want to dart out without acknowledging her.
She asked what I was doing. I said I was probably just going home. She encouraged me to work on my fourth step. I got through another 20 items. Still putting off my parents because I know there will be a lot of resentments, and I think it will be uncomfortable. As it is, I get a bit angry doing this.
I decided at 2:30 or so I decided to take a nap. Didn't really fall asleep. Went to get up and really wanted to go to the liquor store. I texted my sponsor and started crying.. just crying. She texted back and said I'd be shaking or still drunk at school tomorrow. I said I only had a meeting tomorrow. I ended up settling on saying I was going back to bed. Went back until a bit after 5.
I got up feeling just as bad. I went to the kitchen because I knew I should eat. I couldn't find anything I wanted to eat. I got a coke zero and sat at my computer. I started crying again. It took me several minutes to even find motivation to open the coke zero. At this point I was also crying because I could see my messy kitchen from where I was sitting. I didn't want to go back to bed, so I sat on the floor in the little hall between my living room and bedroom.
My cat did not seem to approve of me sitting on the floor.. like he kept headbutting and nuzzling me and walking in front of me. I guess even by cat standards sitting on the floor and crying is not normal behavior. I decided to go to the liquor store. It took me some time to eat a granola bar and brush my hair. I sat around a bit to see if my sponsor responded to my texts because I didn't want her calling while I was driving.
I got there and thought I'd cry in my car. I settled on buying vodka and driving to AA. I got home at 9pm, and ate some and did schoolwork for tomorrow. I finally did start drinking.
I really am questioning ability to survive this semester.
the sobriety dilemma
I really am not sure I want to be sober.. actually I'm fairly certain I want to drink. I just really want my hands to stop shaking and my legs to stop twitching, so it's not so obvious I'm still drinking.
Problem is, there's not as far as I know any reasonable way to fixing it. The main fix would be to drink in the morning or during the day because it stops once I'm drunk. Problem is, I could lose my job, I could end up driving drunk, and then all the obvious physical consequences that I pretend don't exist.
Anyway, I didn't drink yesterday. I haven't made a decision about today. I've got quite a while before I really have to decide. Probably until around 5, so I can buy it and be able to go to the meeting at 6 or 8 without panicking about when to leave.
It's probably pretty fucked up how I keep track of that in my head. It's like when I am trying to remember which liquor store I went to last (giant one near my parents) so I'm not at the same one too often. Though, I feel like if they remember me (several do seem to recognize me), it's pretty obvious either I drink too much or I suppose party too much.. except I'm 27 and doubt I look like the partying type.
Plus, it's always the same brand of shitty vodka every time (except the last time they were out). And you would think if it was for multiple people, I would buy more than one bottle to avoid these frequent trips. I really can actually see my alcoholic behaviors. It's the curse of AA I think. I've heard them say "a belly full of liquor and a head full of AA" and it's true. I have the desperate desire to drink and the terrible awareness and guilt about what I'm doing.
Problem is, if I stop going, I feel like I'm going to be one of those people they talk about that never makes it back. I don't know if alcohol would kill me, or I'd kill myself.. but I always have this nagging fear that I'm one of the people they talk about who die from this. So at least if I go, maybe I'll hear something to at least keep me going.
The more I would skip meetings in the past and the less I talked, the harder it was to go back or to be honest. And really I can tell the people who see through the lies. Plus once again, the shaking is really obvious at this point. I'm back to hiding my hands in my pockets or under tables or sometimes if I try really hard I can will them to stay still.
Problem is, there's not as far as I know any reasonable way to fixing it. The main fix would be to drink in the morning or during the day because it stops once I'm drunk. Problem is, I could lose my job, I could end up driving drunk, and then all the obvious physical consequences that I pretend don't exist.
Anyway, I didn't drink yesterday. I haven't made a decision about today. I've got quite a while before I really have to decide. Probably until around 5, so I can buy it and be able to go to the meeting at 6 or 8 without panicking about when to leave.
It's probably pretty fucked up how I keep track of that in my head. It's like when I am trying to remember which liquor store I went to last (giant one near my parents) so I'm not at the same one too often. Though, I feel like if they remember me (several do seem to recognize me), it's pretty obvious either I drink too much or I suppose party too much.. except I'm 27 and doubt I look like the partying type.
Plus, it's always the same brand of shitty vodka every time (except the last time they were out). And you would think if it was for multiple people, I would buy more than one bottle to avoid these frequent trips. I really can actually see my alcoholic behaviors. It's the curse of AA I think. I've heard them say "a belly full of liquor and a head full of AA" and it's true. I have the desperate desire to drink and the terrible awareness and guilt about what I'm doing.
Problem is, if I stop going, I feel like I'm going to be one of those people they talk about that never makes it back. I don't know if alcohol would kill me, or I'd kill myself.. but I always have this nagging fear that I'm one of the people they talk about who die from this. So at least if I go, maybe I'll hear something to at least keep me going.
The more I would skip meetings in the past and the less I talked, the harder it was to go back or to be honest. And really I can tell the people who see through the lies. Plus once again, the shaking is really obvious at this point. I'm back to hiding my hands in my pockets or under tables or sometimes if I try really hard I can will them to stay still.
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