Depression

Second post today because reality didnt fully set in until later. There is this sort of depression that I call desperate depression.


I don't think my therapist understands it.

It's this aching sadness that feels like I have to do something. When it sets in, I don't know why. I don't even really know what to do about it.

Things that come to mind
Suicide (first thought)
Drinking
Self harm
and in the past binging and purging

I usually don't tell anyone. I wouldn't even know what to say. So today I stood by my couch feeling it. I stared at the tv. I thought about the things I could do.

I hate that feeling. It feels so much more out of control than any of my other behaviors. There's this fear that someday I won't be able to handle it. I'm also scared of just being trapped in that feeling.

Today, I drank. I watched tv.. though shows about Chernobyl and toxic waste are probably not the best choice. Now I'm watching South Park

I sit hear thinking that I should shower.. but it's late enough I don't know if I care. I dread the thought that I may need to leave the apartment tomorrow. I am low on food. I have cereal and a couple frozen meals, but I probably should buy something I actually feel like eating (though I had shredded wheat for dinner and that was pretty good). I dread that I know Wednesday I'm meant to go see friends, and I usually cook dinner.. both sound exhausting.

But at the moment, I'm moderately drunk (8 shots). I don't know what to do with myself or the rest of the evening, but I don't feel desperate. I know if I drink more I won't care.

I took some Tylenol tonight for a nasty headache. I thought of how this one therapist talked how medications like Nyquil (cough/allergy) that combine alcohol and tylenol are really a horrible mix. Both can lead to liver damage eventually. I worry about my liver sometimes.. I saw the doctor a couple weeks ago, and she never called to tell me anything was wrong. It's annoying that she mails people the lab results.. so I haven't actually seen them yet. I just have to trust she'd tell me. I really need to find a different doctor

Blah day

Today I absolutely did not want to get out of bed this morning. I didn't sleep well. I go through periods where I just have awful dreams. Not like trauma related or based on stuff going on in my life.

The types are mainly
Post apocalyptic- where I'm in some bizarre wreck of the world
Dystopian- where I'm in some messed up society usually trying to escape. I remember one where I was trying to avoid Nazis but not in Germany but in some weird world everything was shacks and dark
The usual scary dreams. These tend to be like normal horror movies. Serial killer or demon or monsters

Last night all I remember is this demon cat. It's face was all weird, and I woke up after it was attacking someone's throat

Oddly enough, when I woke up one of my cats jumped onto the bed. Anyway, just bad sleep.

I've been productive in some ways and not in others. I did apply for several jobs (4). I probably need to look a bit more.

I have no desire to eat most of the food in my apartment. Breakfast was a banana, a handful of cereal, and diet pepsi.
I decided I needed to eat lunch. I stood in the kitchen and stared at things. None of it sounded good, but I absolutely did not want to leave the apartment, so I am eating some pasta. It was cooked in the microwave of course because my kitchen is a mess. While I was in there, I looked around and counted 7 empty vodka bottles. I definitely need to clean

Haven't showered. Wearing pajamas. Did put a bunch of depressing sounding documentaries on my Netflix list. Watching one on killer whales now. I'm hoping this is not as terribly depressing as Blackfish. That one is just awful (involved the ones at Sea World eating trainers)

Though I did learn (this is a bit depressing) that in the wild they can live long enough to have great grandchildren. They can live 70-80 years. In captivity they live up to 30 years. Basically don't think I could ever go back to a Sea World after hearing how much stuff they lie about. That was a random tangent.

Just a blah kinda day

Another about me

So this is going to a mix of good and bad because I need to vent and then I thought I'd share a few more things about me. Sharing about me (especially pictures) is hard. My old blog had very little about my actual life

I also want to say (to anyone who reads multiple entries) I have a very bad memory. It was kinda bad before, but it's gotten a lot worse since the drinking got bad. I occasionally will go through old entries to check what I have said.. but I hate reading old entries, so I may repeat myself.


Negative stuff
Today was hard in several ways.
1. The tremors are awful today. I met a friend for lunch and it was embarrassing. My voice even sounded shaky. I had to go to my parents after, so I took my usual gabapentin. Then when I was still shaking, I took a Librium which is bad.
My hands were still shaky, so I kept them in pockets or curled into a fist. Then I still can't hide the muscle spasms. In addition to the shaky hands, I have muscle spasms that make my whole leg more or my whole arm move. I tried to convince myself a few days ago that it might be a vitamin deficiency, so I started taking a multivitamin again. It still happens and only when I'm sober.. so definitely drinking related. And that scares me.
2. I had to ask my parents for money. They did offer when I was there Thursday. I told them I was ok for rent and bills that go through on the 1st. Well, then I had to get gas ($40) and have to pick up my meds later this week ($70), and that means I can't make rent. I told my mom and she asked how much I needed. I said $150, but I'm not sure that will cover it. I'm ok with overdrafting my account since I get more money Friday.
3. And this not a major thing but it bothers me. (also might be triggering) Since I was a kid (so way before eating disorder) I have hated meat with a lot of fat on it.. steaks, pork, chicken. If I cook, I pick whatever has the least extra fat. I obsessively trim chicken. I do not cook most other meats.
Well, my parents made pork steaks for dinner.. this is like pork chops + lots and lots of fat. I tried my best, but it looked ridiculous. Pieces of fat all over the plate or meat that seemed fatty or I was scared were undercooked. Thankfully my mom asked if I could cut up a few pieces for the dog, so my plate was a bit clearer.
My parents do know about this. (triggering) as a child if they gave me steak I would chew it and chew it but could not swallow it. Eventually I would usually spit it out. It bugs me because I am fairly certain some of the steaks weren't as bad, but oh well.

Positive/random stuff

In 2010 I went into residential treatment for bulimia. It was actually pretty amazing I could go. I told the place (Remuda Ranch in Arizona) that I couldn't afford a lot. They agreed that if I paid $1500 even if insurance didn't cover it, they would take me if I stayed 45 days. Insurance covered none of it, but I got to stay. It was amazing even if it wasn't perfect. It was a lot of work, and I met a lot of great women.

 This is me. My family could not come to "family week" because of work. That means it was very different for me. What they do (and I may be wrong about the words) is Truth in Love. Truth is any resentment or anger or pain the other person is involved in. Love is everything they've done for you and the positive things.
Normally, they have you write these lists for your parents and then say them to an empty chair that represents them. My amazing therapist and amazing family therapist created this psychodrama thing. It's hard to explain but basically the therapists were the voice of ED and depression, and I had to learn to ignore it or challenge it and take support from other parents and other patients. I remember sobbing behind some woman I didn't know as they shielded me. Wow, this still makes me cry
Anyway, the rose. We had a break for snack. I came back and there was a rose on my chair. They wouldn't tell me who left it. The idea of this kind of kindness and love from strangers shocked me.

I managed 6 months after that with no skipping meals, no purging, no binging. So after 6 months I got a tattoo as my reward.

I was a lot thinner then :(  I also have a lot more scars now
This is the bible passage it comes from
Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? 
If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea,
even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast.
If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,"  
even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you.
For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. 
This is one of a couple I clung to. The idea of being made by God. The idea of never escaping God were very powerful to me
  
Before treatment, I considered myself a Christian, but I had no connection to any god. I have had bad experiences being "religious" before. I left treatment different. I sat with the pastor and renewed my belief in Christ. It felt different. 

I came home and found a church. I found a giant church with hundreds of people. It felt safe and anonymous, but at the same time it was disconnected and anonymous. When I moved to start school I stopped going. 
About 2 years ago, I went to the baptism of my friend's son. I've known her since high school. I met her (eventual) husband in college. They call me "Aunt Beth". I went to their church. It's probably 30 miles away, but it felt different
The church is Byzantine Catholic.. basically  a mix of Orthodox and Catholic. It involves lots of singing (from anyone not just the choir). I have actually talked to the priest. I have (only a couple times) gone for potluck dinners. 
I got hooked. To officially join the church, I went throw catechism classes with the priest. It was basically me, my friend's husband (sometimes) and the priest. After that and a few weeks of waiting. I was ready for Chrismation.
The best comparison is that it's like Confirmation in a Catholic church. If you are baptized in the church, it happens at the same day you're baptized. If not, you do this before joining the church

This is my chrismation and my church. I am the one wrapped in the white shawl behind the little boy. I have a blue/purple shirt and a kinda goofy grin. This was on Holy Saturday the day before Easter, and it was a long ceremony. There were at least 3 of us for chrismation and 3 for baptism. 

It was unreal. It is a gorgeous church. Icons and candles and singing. I still go. I don't mind the drive. I feel a connection here that I haven't felt before. I love the liturgy. I LOVE baptisms. Nothing like babies being dunked in water. They stay around and talk after every service. I mostly stick with my friends, but I managed a potluck without them. I didn't eat (I did eat before) but I managed to sit by the priest and hid my hands to hide the tremors. That was Good Friday and it was worth staying for the 2nd service

I guess that's it for now. Isn't it pretty?

Fruit

This is going to be an eating disorder post mostly.

I consider myself pretty much recovered from bulimia.. compulsive eating still can be a problem.. mostly I eat so I don't get sick when I drink. Definitely not a recovered alcoholic.

I still have some weird things. My biggest one is especially since I moved into my apartment and lived alone is that I hate wasting food. This is kind of illogical when I wasted a lot of food when I was bulimic. Eating and purging is wasteful, but that didn't bother me much.

What I hate is buying food and having it go bad because I didn't eat it.This happens sometimes because I eat at restaurants too much. It happens if I buy too much of something. It mostly happens because I go through phases.

I'll like yogurt for a while and then stop eating it. I like milk, but for a long time since ED I only ate cereal dry.. so no point buying milk. No point buying yogurt.

Then there's fruit and vegetables. When I was at my worst, fruit scared me. Not exactly because of calories or sugar, I hated anything that did not come from a box or package with nutrition facts. I'd look up calories online, and I'd find myself actually measuring an apple or a plum with a ruler so I could be more accurate. Also odd because some of my safe foods were not packaged. Like I ate a lot of bagels. I think because I could take forever to eat them. Peel off the outside first. Then tear up the inside.. major ED behaviors.

In treatment I had to eat fruit. There the challenge was when the only option was fruit cups with fruit packaged in anything other than water or containing added sugar. When I went home, I was supposed to eat fruit as an evening snack.. I finally negotiated with my dietitian that I could substitute a starch (this was an exchange system). And when I got out, I ate fruit if my parents served it as a meal and I ate one type of apple.

I was never good at challenging my old rules even in recovery. When I was sick, I only ate vanilla flavored yogurt because it had I think 10 less calories than the fruit ones. And fruit just wasn't something I bought or got excited about. I'd buy some occasionally.. mainly weird ones like pluots. Then they'd tend to go bad in the fridge.

When I moved out, this has gotten progressively worse. Especially when the drinking started, I started eating all frozen food or canned soup or boxed mac & cheese. I didn't buy milk. I didn't buy fresh fruit or vegetables. I'd buy yogurt and never eat it. I stopped buying yogurt. I never bought bread.

None of this was really ED related anymore. I remember the last time I bought fresh vegetables was for a class at school.

To make that make sense. I was taking a class on using an electron microscope. From left to right: Broccoli   Green Bean   Celery

I haven't managed fresh vegetables yet, but I have been so proud of myself to buy fruit. A while ago it was apples. Then a month or so ago I bought strawberries. Today I bought bananas. I also buy milk now. I eat cereal with milk on it.

I still mostly east frozen food because my kitchen is a mess. It's filled with empty vodka bottles and empty food packages. Still, fruits is a challenge I've managed. Milk is one I've managed. I feel like buying yogurt, but I haven't managed that yet. I stare at it and remember that I actually have one yogurt in my refrigerator that expired before I ate it.

So yeah, wasting food upsets me. Spending money on food upsets me. I am ok buying vodka if it's the cheapest one. I buy food, but I hate seeing the price. I'm weird about spending money on clothes, but that's another issue.

My stupid psychiatrist

My standards for a psychiatrist are somewhat lower than for a therapist. Therapist I see for 45min-1hour every week. Psychiatrist is 20-30 minutes once a month.. the length of time depends on the doctor.
In 2010, I went to residential treatment for bulimia. Shortly before, my current psychiatrist stopped accepting my insurance.. so I randomly picked a psychiatrist that works in the same building as my therapist.
She was a moron. Well, not entirely, but there were some flaws.
1. She kept trying to give me (a recovering bulimic) exercise and diet advice. She honestly asked me at one point "Don't you want to lose weight?"
2. She refused to retry old medications I had been on, and she didn't take me off anything.. so I ended up on a long list of meds
 3. She was (still is) always late.. not a little late.. usually 30-45 minutes late generally. She was never really apologetic about it. So one time she was particularly late, she did apologize and I commented that it really bothered me. She honestly told me that me being so bothered by people being late was a character flaw.. I am a bit weird about it, but usually up to 20 minutes late is usually fine. Longer than that I will tolerate if someone says they'll be late. Beyond that, yes I do get upset

Well, I moved to go to school.. about 35 minutes away. I eventually got fed up and found a closer psychiatrist. The town I live in has 2-4 psychiatrists on my insurance. I picked one that was a woman because I do prefer that.

She was a good doctor. She was willing to reduce the number of medications. She was willing to retry meds I was on as a teenager. I've been on pretty much everything available : Prozac, Cymbalta, Celexa, Lexapro, Wellbutrin SR, Wellbutrin XL, Zoloft, Effexor, Paxil, Pristiq, Remeron, Abilify, Lamictal, Viibryd, some MAOI patch. The issue is that a lot of these are not effective in people under 18, and a lot of those were before I was 18, so they may work now.

Well anyway, she was way too reactive. If I was self harming, she wanted me inpatient. If I was purging, she wanted me in treatment. And finally, she kept threatening to stop seeing me if I didn't stop drinking. Ultimatums don't work, and I got sick of it. So I found someone specializing in addictions.

This is my current psychiatrist. Unfortunately, he is 35-45 minutes away. I try to see him on the same day I see my therapist because she's out that way too. It is definitely annoying to drive that far for a 10 minute appointment. He doesn't give ultimatums. But quite a few times he's said that changing my meds won't work if I'm drinking.. which is true.. but I'm paying $40 a month for him to say that. He's tried the alcohol blocker type drugs.. Campral, Naltrexone, Vivitrol. They haven't helped. So now he just keeps pushing rehab.

I would love to go to rehab. I think a controlled environment would be great.. but I can't afford it. I'm having to talk to my parents about giving me money if I don't find a job. I have good insurance, but they only pay 80% of the cost. That would probably leave at least a thousand for me to pay.. and rehab places are not as nice about financing than hospitals (I have a couple bills I only pay $20 a month on to one hospital).

It also took a long time for him to listen when I said how much my medication costs. I was on Seroquel, Wellbutrin XL, Lamictal, Viibryd, and I thin Gabapentin. It cost around $100 a month. I finally got him to switch the Viibryd (~$45 a month) for Lexapro (I think ~20). That plus the $40 is a lot of money when my paycheck was around $1000 a month, and the rest was student loans.

I am in so much debt too.. I refuse to look up how much I owe in student loans. I have hospital bills around $1000-$1500. Credit card debt around $8000. The problem was at the end of every semester I'd run out of money, and I'd start putting stuff on the credit card. I eventually got a second card, so I could spend another $2000.. and now the cards are both maxed out.

Anyway, he finally said I could see him in 2 months, so that's a little less money. This stuff really contributes to my depression. He also thinks my job teaching contributed.. but it's a job I can be sure I'll have in the fall. Sorry, I'm ranting. Money is just a major stress, and paying money for a man to say he can't do anything is pointless.

By the way (this is a little bit TMI), the vivitrol shots sucked. I did 3 months, and every time I had a giant lump at the injection site (just above my ass) and each took more than a month to go away. Plus it didn't work, so I finally said I didn't want it.

A random animal post

I realized most of what I've been doing is bitching about my life (by the way if you're offended by swearing you may not want to read my blog) and I see people post about happy things like pets and family. I decided I should give you guys (whoever actually reads this)  a little more info about me

Starting with pets because I have more pictures of them than myself.
I have 2 cats of very different ages
This is Mudge. Her name is from a series of children books I liked that were Henry and Mudge.. though Mudge was a big dog in the book. It was a choice of that or Abby. When I met her, I realized Abby didn't fit.

 She was a weird kitten. A friend's mom worked at a vet clinic. One of the techs found 3 kittens abandoned in a box. She bottle fed them, so she was very friendly. I was 13 and went to see the 3 kittens. She and her brother looked almost the same. Her sister was a grey tabby. Her brother was under a table, and Mudge wouldn't let him come out. My theory was that if she was that brave she could handle the family dog.

 This is later. Also a different dog. We got our first dog Cal (after Cal Ripken because my brother named him). We got him when I was 5 and he passed away when I was a senior in high school. This is Katy. We got her later that summer. She's a bizarre dog, but that would have to be a separate discussion. Mudge used to attempt to beat up the dogs. Trying to chew on Cal's neck. Play wrestle. By the way, Katy is named Katy because when we adopted her she was named Candy, which I said sounds like a stripper name, so Katy sounded alike and we went with that

She is now 13, and I am terrified she will die soon... I've had her since she was 8 weeks old. I'm 27, so I've had her half my life. She's my princess

This is Odd. Technically, Odd Thomas after a series of Dean Koontz books. I moved into my current apartment in 2011. I had decided that since I lived alone I could get a 2nd cat. I wanted a kitten and honestly he was the only kitten in the shelter, but I loved him. He was super hyper and playful. He still is. Only annoying thing is that he constantly leaves toys in the water bowl. One of them turned the water pink, which was weird when I saw it.

He and Mudge tolerate each other. He has more energy, and she has a bit of arthritis. She can still beat him if he bugs her. He jumped into his carrier to get away, and she made him stay there. If he starts the play fight, I don't stop her. They don't ever do actual damage.

She was sick a few months ago. I had made a bed out of a heating pad and blankets by my desk. He laid next to her while she was there.

Also, that is me in the pictures. They're not really recent. Mostly, my hair is longer and it's darker now. I love dyeing my hair. I do it myself because I don't feel like spending a ton of money. I usually wait until my roots are obvious. I always pick a different color. Sometimes it's because I can't remember what I used last, but sometimes I want lighter or redder or darker. I go and stare at the dyes until I think the employees think I'm nuts. I've been dyeing it since college. People used to actually believe I had red hair. Customers at my job would compliment it. I had a few failed attempts. It turned out bright red (think the color of a red marker), but I was young enough it was ok.

I'll add one more

This is Penny. Katy found a turtle in my parents back yard. To get her away from it, I put her in their garden (it has a fence around it). My mom decided to keep him/her. At some point the turtle got out and ended up under some bushes. I've never been sure it's the same turtle, but one of them had to be a girl, but my mom thinks the adult turtle is male. Penny hatched in their garden. I found her. At first she just looked like a rock but then I realized it was a baby turtle. Now both turtles live there.

This is her growth chart. Top is when I found her. Second is last spring. The last is this spring. They bury themselves and hibernate all winter. My mom is always absolutely convinced they got our or something until she finds them. Penny is hard to find. But Katy (the dog) has an odd talent for finding turtles. Can't find a treat you throw her, but she can find the turtles even if they're buried. She doesn't try to eat them, but she does lick them which I don't think the appreciate.

My mom actually planted part of the garden to be the turtle area. It has their water, plants there for shade, and then she honestly planted strawberries just for them. She also buys fruit to feed them. Leonard (the adult) likes red things. He eats the tomatoes and red peppers off the plants and they both eat strawberries. I honestly saw him standing up eating a tomato off the plant.

So that's my random pet story. I probably will post about me eventually.

I don't think I've written much about my parents on here. I don't know why I'm picking that topic, but I wanted to do more than just set goals for today.

My relationship with my parents is strange. I love them. They love me. That I don't question.

There have been issues between me and my mom because she doesn't have a lot of friends. She had more when we lived in Maryland, but when we moved to Texas (I think 19 years ago) she didn't make any for a while. What this means is that she would come to me to complain about my dad or my brother. This probably started when I was in middle school.. pretty young. It is really awkward to listen to someone complain about family you still live with. My parents are still married, but my dad is stubborn and not very talkative.. so I got to hear about all that. My brother was always in trouble at school for not doing homework, making bad grades, and stuff like that. He's smart but stubborn like my dad. I know you have to adapt to how a teacher wants things done. Sometimes these things aren't really logical or important except how it affects your grades. He didn't adapt. He just got angry and blamed them for his grades. So I got to hear about all that.

The major issue since I was around 7. This started as lying by omission. If I was upset, I wouldn't tell them. If I was being bullied, I wouldn't tell them. I blamed myself for not having friends. I blamed myself for being bullied. I thought emotions were my own responsibility. I'm not really sure why. I was a very anxious child.

When I was around 12 or 13, the depression started. I was very unhappy at school. I had some friends but they didn't always treat me well. I had gained some weight and was being teased for that. My parents had no idea. They are either very bad at reading my emotions, or I am very good at hiding them. I think both but mostly the latter because other people couldn't tell either. I didn't start the self harm really for a couple more years, but I remember burning my food on a candle. I remember staring at a knife wondering about slitting my wrists.

When I was 15 is when shit hit the fan and they found out about the cutting and the depression. They didn't realize it started earlier than that. My mom honestly thought it was this acne medication I was put on in high school that caused it because that was a listed side effect. That really made me angry because I had been dealing with this for years.

This is when I really started lying. I was suicidal. The self harm got worse. I was scared if I told them they'd put me in a hospital, and if I was in a hospital I would miss school. Missing school was scarier than cutting myself or killing myself (though if I was dead I'd be missing school). So I lied until they somehow found out. Usually either from a friend or they'd find something I'd written. I think they read my journal one time. Then I'd start lying again. They really had no idea how bad it was.

In college when the bulimia started, I didn't tell them. I started losing weight really quickly. I was actually doing Weight Watchers with my mom at the time. I actually would try to water load or wear heavy clothing to make the weight loss not seem so fast. I lost 100 pounds in a year. They finally found out through a friend and I ended up back in therapy.

Again, they had no idea how bad it was. I was binging and purging multiple times a day. I was cutting again, and it was a lot worse than before. I became scared of a lot of foods. Grocery shopping would make me cry. I just didn't want to tell them because my other fear was not seeming normal or not being treated normally. I didn't want anything to change

Later, the lying became something different. I started lying because my parents (well my mom) has said some awful things to me when I was honest.

I talked to them about relapsing after my first treatment for bulimia. My mom basically told me I didn't try hard enough in treatment because I wanted to lose weight.

I talked to them about the depression at one point in grad school. I had emailed them because that was easier than explaining at all. When I asked if they had read it and if they wanted to talk about it, they said if I wanted to talk about it I could. Then my mom actually said "well, that was a conversation killer"

I told her about the drinking. I said I didn't expect it to get this bad (this was actually when I was drinking a whole lot less than I am now). She told me I wanted it to get this bad, and I should have known better than to drink because I knew I'd get addicted.

When I actually decided to go into the hospital to detox, I told them during therapy so my therapist was there. They can't say those things in front of her.

What some people don't understand is that I have a good relationship with them as long as I hide that stuff. I see them once or twice a week. I go shopping with my mom. I have dinner with them. We go to movies. I talk about school or friendship drama and casual stuff like that. I don't talk about the drinking or the depression or anything like that. I have no desire to tell them anymore.

My mom has at times been supportive when I talked to them, but I can't predict which response I'll get. Will they be supportive or will she same something hurtful? Will she acknowledge she said something hurtful or will she later claim she never said that? I am fairly certain she would deny saying those things (I know she denies the one about not trying hard enough in treatment) if I brought it up.. but I really would not make this up. And I remember what she said because it was really f***ing hurtful. Probably eventually, the drinking will come up again, but I'll wait until it's necessary.

I had 18 shots of vodka last night. I actually had 16 and went to bed and watched something on my tablet. I got up when I was feeling a bit less drunk and took a trazadone and 2 more shots. The trazadone I'm not currently prescribed, but I have a bunch a friend gave me back when I really was taking it. I don't throw medication away. I hoard it. I don't know if this is a suicidal behavior or just it seems wasteful to spend money on all these pills and then throw them away the next time my meds change. Most of it is antidepressants. The only real ones I shouldn't have are klonopin and librium. Both I guess are really not good to take with alcohol. It can lead to an overdose and death and whatever. I don't take the klonopin anymore. The librium I stuck in my purse when I started working because if I started having withdrawal symptoms or the tremors got bad I could take it. I only did it once.

Today I need to go to the liquor store. I need to shower and get dressed. That's about it.. I'll eat obviously, but those are the essential things. I actually hate going to the liquor store. There are 3 near me. The closest is actually 8 miles away because the city I live in doesn't have liquor stores. The issue is that in the closest 2 there are not many employees. One has 3, two women and this guy that kinda creeps me out for some reason. The other I think has 2, but it's almost always this one guy. They all recognize me. I feel like they must know I'm an alcoholic. Who else comes in almost once a week for a $12 handle (1.75L) of crappy vodka? So I alternate. I go to Jacobs once. I go to Crossroads next. The 3rd I rarely go to. If possible, I buy it near my parents house. There's a huge one near there with lots of employees. Though it makes me feel under-dressed because it is a really nice looking place. There's another little one. Then there's 2 places on the way home from there that are about 15 miles from where I live, but they're on my way home.

Also, in Texas liquor stores are open 10am-9pm and I hate going before noon or after 8:30. I've gone in at 10 till 9 before, and it felt weird. I will do it if I have no choice. This hasn't been much of a problem since it became legal to sell liquor in the town my parents live in. Texas has bizarre liquor laws, and each city has to vote to decide if they'll allow liquor stores. Beer and wine can be sold anywhere from 6am-midnight except Sundays where it's not allowed before noon. There were also cities that didn't allow beer or wine. Then in most cities, bars are not allowed. Businesses have to make at least 50% of there money from food. Places have been shut down because of that. My city has bars, but I only drink at home so I don't have to worry about driving after.

Sorry.. rambling, but it is all really strange, and it makes being an alcoholic hard at times. Especially if I run out Saturday night because liquor stores are closed Sundays, so I have to drink beer or wine or something like that. Vodka is 80 proof (40% alcohol). The other stuff is usually only  8%-12% so I have to drink a lot more.

Unemployment day 2

Yesterday was mostly a success.

As far as my goals
Did not sit in silence. Watched stuff on tv and on netflix. Got annoyed when I put a couple things on because they had subtitles and required attention. Also started one movie and it was terrible, so I gave up on it
I think I went to be around 11. Don't remember (which is not a surprise) but I know it was after 10
I ate. Maybe too much. It's hard when I don't meals at normal times

Failure
Started drinking at 3:30. According to my hand, I had 17 shots of vodka.
I keep a pen at my desk and put tally marks on my hand for each shot. The reason is that if I do it in my head, I lose count. I used to have an app on my phone that I kept track on and also predicted my blood alcohol. Eventually, the blood alcohol part became a bit frightening, so I got rid of the app. This method mostly works as long as I don't forget to make the marks, which sometimes happens after shot 10 or so.

Today I got up at 11ish. I've eaten breakfast.

Today's goals
Shower and wash my hair (*update* accomplished)
Put on proper clothes (*update* accomplished)
And because I just took the last can of Pepsi Max from the fridge, go to some store that sells diet soda. I'll decide after I get ready if that's going to be a grocery store, the drug store, or the dollar general near my apartment.(*update* accomplished)

Got a bit annoyed yesterday. I emailed one of my friends the explanation of how I got fired and the whole situation. She was asking about filing for unemployment. She asked her mom who works in a human resources job about it.
One of my friend's emails said this
"My mom said it sounded like it was a "hiring error" because they seemed to have wanted someone who already had a lot of this experience (hence the lack of training) instead of someone who needed to be taught the procedures."

And I get what she means. But I do have a lot of experience in lab work and research, which is what I was told I'd be doing. That I didn't need training in. The error with the samples was more about how she gave it to me randomly, rushed me, and put the other new employee on it too so the whole thing became confusing. What they didn't train me in was all the other shit.. taking inventory, cleaning and organizing a lab without being given standards, etc. What she said makes it sound like I was unqualified, but I was qualified for what I was told I'd be doing. I don't know. The job was shitty, so I should just stop worrying about why I got fired.. because honestly I think I'd have been fired eventually because my supervisor was always upset that I was asking her questions and asking what I should be working on. She also treated the new guy completely differently as far as telling him things to do and sending him to be trained by people on different tasks. I'm not even entirely sure what he was working on because I was never involved in the conversations. What was clear is that he was being trained for actual defined tasks/jobs and I was left staring blankly at things in the lab because I either couldn't do something without her or was not really told what needed to be done

Can you tell I'm still angry at my supervisor? It sucks because I'm scared I'll see her at school in the fall. By then I'll probably be over getting fired, but I don't see myself forgetting how she treated me.

Also just whining, I slipped and fell in the bathroom Thursday and landed on my butt. I think I bruised my tailbone or something because it still hurts

I'm back in that unemployed don't know what to do with myself mode.
I've been good
1. I got out of bed at 10am rather than staying there until 2pm
2. I ate breakfast
3. I applied for unemployment (doubt I qualify but worth a shot) and 4 jobs

Now... I'm sitting. I watched a few shows on Netflix. I spent a bit of time looking at things I can't afford to buy. I researched hamster healthcare because my mom's hamster is getting old and she's worried.. personally, I like hamsters (except the last one I had developed a taste for human flesh) but there's not much you can do.

Anyway.. boredom. I don't want to leave the apartment. I don't really need to either. I could stand to buy more diet soda or some sort of beverage to go with the vodka. I have a handle of vodka (1.75L) plus a bit because I bought 2 on thursday or friday (don't remember). I have a decent variety of food.

I don't want to deal with people. I am just killing time until it's late enough to start drinking. This is usually 2 or 3pm. Sometimes I can last until 4 if I slept in. I can't pace myself these days, so if I start now I'll end up asleep or passed out on the couch by 6pm

Currently I'm sitting in silence because I'm too lazy or don't care enough to click next episode. Somehow TV+Computer is too much sometimes. I can't look away from the monitor enough to deal with anything.

Goals
Don't sit in silence
Don't go to bed before 10pm
I can't put a limit on drinking because that becomes a challenge
Try to manage 2 meals, not just snacks

i think that's it today. I don't think I can manage productivity. Depression sucks. Anxiety sucks. I suck at living. I can manage existing at least.

Fired

So I got fired today.... my first response was anger, then crying, then relief.

Today.. I get to work at 8:50. The new guy is there but not my boss. I start working on something.. I think the computer program I'm doing. She comes in and she tells me that the DNA samples I was supposed to help send off Monday.. 2 didn't get sent and how they had to overnight them and it cost $100 (they have several machines worth tens of thousands of dollars). I feel bad.. though I'm thinking (and figure it's best not to say) that I was not the only one pipetting samples and how do I know it was one I had picked up.

I do worry I'm getting fired.. but then the day starts. I finish my program, and it works. They set up some DNA extraction. Then I get sent off to clean.. not just straighten up. Wash tables and counters with bleach. Clean the toxicology lab that 1. I don't work in and 2. Is filthy.. like gross. After a while she tells me we're all going to lunch and we'll work on the DNA after. I sit in the break room and my boss asks if I'm hungry because there's leftovers and I chat with some people (don't eat) and go back.

We do DNA quantification and she actually lets me watch/help. Then we do some other stuff and I get asked to pipette water and then clean some more. Then she criticizes that the barcodes on stuff don't line up perfectly and makes me do all kinds of shit because the crazy manager is doing a cleanliness check. He honestly comes in later with a white glove on and points out all the dust. She doesn't say anything during.. and one of the guys does point out I/we weren't supposed to touch the toxicology equipment (which scares me because it's noisy and I don't know what it's doing).

Then I'm left to clean all the dust. Note.. there is a cleaning woman who is very nice and hardworking but wasn't told to clean either.

I go to leave and the managers pull me in and tell me that it's just not working out and about the samples. Note: this is technically the exact same issue they mentioned Monday not any additional actions. I don't cry (yay me) and calmly explain how I think it's ridiculous I was thrown in with no training on equipment I've never used. Then I got my stuff and left. Then I cried a lot.

I called my mom because I think you're supposed to in these circumstances. I cry and try to explain while crying. I also say how much I hated this job and how fucked up this was. I go over to my parents house and cry and bitch. And my mom and I both agree this is bullshit and this job was awful. I am honestly grateful not to work there, but money scares me. I can probably make it through this month... but the unknown.. so tonight and tomorrow I am going to drink about being fired. Then I'll deal with that

I cried at work today.. only a little. I am finding the scattered work really overwhelming. I like concrete jobs, and she tends to say I know what to do.. or to fix problems with something without explaining the problems. It does help a little to have someone else there. They new guy is very nice. He is very hard working, which is good but a little annoying.. I get there and he seems to tackle everything on the to-do list. She's made us a list and we have to initial what we did. I ended up writing in extra stuff that I did because it looked like I did almost nothing

Anyway, the crying. My bosses (above her) are crazy. The main boss comes in and says "What is that red box doing on all those blue boxes" (or something very close). We all look. The order I unpacked recently involved at least 30 boxes of PCR racks, at least 10 boxes of pipette tips, and some other stuff. I put every type of plate in the shelf under one table. It wasn't exact, but each color of plate was together (red, green, blue, clear, and I think yellow) but the stacks were a bit mixed to save space. I also put 2 other types there that I guess she thinks should be somewhere else.. which I might have known if I really knew what they were for (I haven't used them). All the pipette tips were together but not perfectly arranged.

Anyway, her boss says that and she goes off on us saying nothing is organized and it's all hodge-podge and our task is to organize it. We start. The new guy does say that it's already done by color. He was really nice actually. I started crying at some point because i put away a ton of shit by myself (this includes opening and unpacking the boxes and checking the packing slip and then putting them away). I think I did a decent job. Boxes were neatly stacked except the one box. The issue was that certain items were in completely different size/style of boxes, so why is it unreasonable to have an odd box out? It matched nothing else. We got it all organized better because it helps to have a 2nd person.

I'm scared of course because we're supposed to have another talk Friday about how I'm doing. Yesterday she said we did a good job. Today was a lot of little things.
1. I saw her typing the to-do list so I sat down for a minute (it wasn't even 9am yet) to see it when she printed it. She said I should start without being told
2. We are doing maintenance/setup on a machine. She asks if I've primed it. I said yes. She asked stuff about if I was waiting for the new guy or basically wasting time. I say I was waiting for the equipment to be ready, and I primed it as soon as it was. I had sent the new guy off to do something and stayed at the machine.
3. She commented on where we should or shouldn't be using our laptops. Of course, we are using our laptops because the damn lab has nowhere for use to work. She tells me I shouldn't wear my lab coat out of the lab. I shouldn't take my "lunch" by sitting in lab (I haven't eaten at work this week). I set my keys and phone on the counter. The keys were out so I could use my flashdrive.. the phone because I was reading a work email. But I see her point.
4. She left me to fix all the problems with the program I made for a machine. I asked her and tried to get her to narrow down what "problems" she meant because she said there were many. Many apparently includes one significant problem with equipment, but she mentioned nothing else.
I kind of sort out the problem but there are other problems. I tell her this around 6pm because I have been ignoring time and trying to finish the test. She asks if I emailed anyone and says she'll call tech support tomorrow. It was 6 and I was supposed to go home. I was more than willing to deal with it then.
Tomorrow she told me to take a day off. I normally work until 1pm Thursdays and go to therapy. She says she's going to be busy all morning with something so she can't train us. So it's better I don't come. She says she'll see me Friday. I am really hoping she wouldn't say that if I was going to be fired. She explained to us the hierarchy of employees.. Soon the genetics lab will have her as director, supervisors (not hired yet), and lab techs and lab aides. She doesn't know if we're techs or aides. I'm hoping if I'm not good enough I can manage to be an aide somewhere. It also might be better if I had another supervisor. It's hard to see a student in the lab next to me at school as my boss. I am working on that. I know I need to just listen and figure out how she works things because she clearly thinks differently than I do. I think I should have a supervisor or someone I can ask routine questions of because I've always had lab-mates to ask stupid questions of without being told they were too busy. Or a mentor/professor who if she wasn't with someone would explain at length what to do. Now I'm expected to know it when I really know very little about what this company does.

I am trying very hard to not think about it. Emailing/texting her might make things worse. It's also probably inappropriate to email my boss about this.

Speed drinking (aka drinking with a job)

Work was ok today... better than yesterday. Of course, yesterday has left me with 0 confidence and a ton of fear.. which is kind of ridiculous when they kept saying yesterday I need to be more confident.

Good news was that there's other stuff to do so inventory has been put aside for now at least. Today my supervisor was acting weird.. but what she told me was the same as the new guy so it wasn't just me. She gave us this weird list of what needed to be done today. Call 2 companies.. one to ask about a supply and one to call tech support about equipment not working. Then the rest was basically working on these SOP's (standard operating procedures). She already gave one to the other guy after I left yesterday. The other obviously was my responsibility.
I tried the phone calls first.. I called one and left a voicemail about the product we wanted details about. The other I called and spoke to someone about broken equipment. She got all the information, gave me a case number, and said to expect a call back shortly. I got the call from the engineer and described it again. He said he needed to schedule someone to work on it and said he'd call. He didn't call. I called again a couple hours later.. after a while on hold I left a message with the operator.. never got a call back. I also called and left a voicemail with the other company and sent an email.

Why I am frustrated... after I had called and emailed the one company, another employee got some of the requested info about the product. The other guy called the company about service too. We finally ended up calling them on speaker while doing something and he talked to them. He got someone's email which he got wrong because the emails were returned.. we ended up troubleshooting other ways.

In the end, my supervisor was happy we dealt with the troubleshooting even though it still isn't working. I suggested it might be the kit.. so we'll address that tomorrow. She had me email her the SOP and told us we did a good job.. that and said we'd be getting patient samples soon and doesn't think we're ready. She has this talk about how we make a mistake, the doctor prescribes the wrong dose based on it, someone dies, we get sued and fired. Not really motivational.

Drinking.. work has made me resort to what I call "speed drinking". When I wasn't working, I would start drinking around 5-6. I would stop at 12-1am. Now I start at 7pm or later.. end at 11ish. That means I need to condense the drinking a lot. This is very obsessive. I have to drink pretty much every 10-15 minutes or drink multiple at a time. This increases risk of puking. It also means I don't know how drunk I am because it doesn't hit right away. It's a mess.. but my hands already shake. I have to keep it up. I still have to keep count by marking on my hand. I have to have certain foods and chasers to get this to work. This is so not normal. This is so alcoholic. It's like drinking is a chore that needs to be done and needs to be done fast. So far I have been sober enough to go to work.... but... we'll see. Still have to be careful to hide the tremors. Hands in pockets as much as possible. Set things down for others to read rather than holding. Soon the real work starts. Obviously, I won't endanger anyone. I will admit if something goes wrong, but I hopefully can manage for now.

Work

At work today I was sat down for a talk with my supervisor and someone above her about concerns. I will say nothing she said wasn't true (well.. bits) but I really feel some is blown out of proportion for someone who has worked there for 8 days.

Her points:
I left the freezer a mess last week (one day).
My side (kind of my fault) I didn't want to keep opening that freezer because the temperature was rising from the door being open. I put things back in place before she got there the next morning.

I left some boxes on the counter open
My side I honestly think some were there already. I probably did leave them. I am not used to this level of precision I guess. I mean the boxes were not sealed before I looked at them. I may have taken them out for inventory and didn't think having boxes on an unused counter was a big deal. I get that now. They owner is obsessed with appearance

She told me to create an account on a site and put things in the shopping cart. I misunderstood what she said and made myself an account.
My side.. I honestly think I could have then logged out and signed in as her with the items. She told me she had an (business) account with the company. She intended for me to set up a non-business guest account but under her name (she only said to create an internet account). She got upset about how I did the account and asked me to do a phone order (ok) and ask for a discount (not my job). I said she should probably do that because I have no sales experience. She got frustrated but agreed. She then tried to the access the cart 2 days later. I did not save the cart (my fault) but I was not the one that logged me off or closed the browser (her fault because she uses chrome and i used firefox).

She got upset when she tried to pull this up while already on the phone with the company. I was on my way out but said I could find the items quickly.. at least most. She told me no that she would order from another company. There are many problems with this issue.. but I really think on my 2nd day (maybe 3rd) it was reasonable to make a mistake with the account (I was supposed to use her name and email to register) and I really thought she was ordering that day when the cart was still open and available on her computer. I did offer ways of fixing this, but yes I guess my fault.


This morning.. I did fuck up. She handed me 2 racks of DNA samples. They have all sorts of numbers. She says she needs 50 microliter aliquots. To me, aliquots are multiple tubes of the same thing (this is how we stored antibodies). She meant (and I did realize this) put this volume in a separate tube to be sent out. I did realize this.
Then she gave me "sterile" (they were opened so how are they really sterile) pipet tips that go up to 20 microliters. So I am doing 4 of 12.5 microliters. She looked at me weird when I said that. She thought we could do 50 in those tips. She was wrong and she said that. She reduced the volume to 25.

At this point, 3 other trainees are brought in. She is helping me. One of them is helping me. I mess up organization and numbering (have to throw out several empty tubes and relabel one). She splits up work between 3 of us. I did NOT mix up sample numbers. Every sample went into a proper tube. No contamination. But I got mixed up the samples being shipped with ones kept.. and it was a mess. I don't work well that crowded and rushed.

Anyway.. we meet again Friday to discuss this again. Of course, I'm crying because this job is a LOT to handle. I went from sleeping 14 hours a day until 7. I have to dress, shower, be around people. So I am a mess. I hear her and all she says. I manage (she asked for what I had to say) that the inventory of things I didn't know was overwhelming. I said that it would help me to know when she was unavailable (a different issue) then I just try to breathe.

I leave to go eat dinner at a friend's house. I cry half the way. I really think I can do this. I really hope I can show that. What I've been doing is not my actual job so far. The inventory is my job, but not what I was hired to and hoped to do (actual patient samples). but the timeline is all screwed up.

I am trying. I got there at 8 for training. I sat in my car for 20 minutes (so did the trainer) to wait for someone to let us in. I waited 10 more for her to get there. I pointed this out to her boss. I mean.. I don't really mind waiting in my car, but this is kind of ridiculous when sales reps have to sit in their car.


I will take each day as it comes.

I survived week 1. I was in a meeting (AA) earlier and thinking of when they talk about HALT. Hungry Angry Lonely Tired.. that sums up this week. Hungry because I have enjoyed claiming I'm not hungry when really I just didn't want to eat. Angry so many times over disagreements with my supervisor (the girl I know from school). A lot has been things she really didn't explain clearly. I fully understand that I misunderstood, but I'm still frustrated at how she explained things. I also am very angry that in my 1st week I became responsible for single handedly become responsible for taking inventory for the lab I work in (genetics) but not for the other lab (toxicology) that I know absolutely nothing about.

The task keeps expanding.. it was one lab then the other. It was count everything. Then include whether it was a bottle or a box or whatever. Then it was the volume of said box or bottle. Then the company it came from and catalog number.. this meant going back and looking at everything again. Plus, this stuff is mostly frozen, so I can only do so much before it becomes a problem to open the freezer again.

Lonely.... yesterday is a good example. In the morning she gave me a timeline for my assignments. Monday I have training for some new equipment. Tuesday the inventory for everything is due. Then yesterday I was required to write up the protocol(procedure) for a lab experiment. I had written the basic procedure already. Because this lab deals with actual patient samples, everything must official.. so I have to write a procedure that will be approved by my boss and my boss's boss and etc

To make this make sense.. the experiment basically involves: making chemicals used to measure DNA, prepare some samples used as comparison (ones we know the exact concentration of), and then measuring concentration of everything.

I know how to make the chemicals and the samples. For 2 days I made it clear I did not know how to use the equipment used to measure concentration. I write up the rest based on an example she gave me. I mention during the day that I needed help. At 5:30 (I came in at 8:30) she's in a meeting, I text her to ask if she wants me to stay and finish or just email her what I had done. She says I can stay or leave. I text that I need her help to finish. I wait around for a few minutes and then start preparing the email. I text her I'm sending it. She texts we can forget the last part for now and says thanks... I think in her head this was a realistic task but it really wasn't. I had never done this experiment before. I had never written this type of document before.. and I should NOT have had to sit alone most of the day to write this.

I don't want to say anything because I don't want her to think I can't do this. I don't want to say she's being unreasonable.. I just want things to get better

Job day 2

I didn't have energy to write last night. Plus, my parents and friend (only one knows about this which I'll get to in a minute) were waiting to hear about it. I just survived day 2 at my new job. It is... a whole mix of things. It is good. It is bad. It is boring. It is scary. It makes me want to pull my hair out or hide away in the bathroom. The main thing is that it's early and long considering I've been sleeping 12-14 hours a day. Plus, I'm condensing my drinking into a shorter time (if I remember I'll explain speed drinking another day). It is a lot of human interaction. Not the quick retail sort. It is being in close quarters with people (5 that I actually interact with) who are all very social and all have a much better idea what they're doing than I do.

The work.. my real job hasn't started yet. This is a brand new business/location so this week is installing and ordering stuff.
Day 1. I sat in on training on a really cool piece of equipment. I filled out paperwork. I organized a bit. I sat around a lot. My immediate supervisor (the one I know from school) had this to-do list for us. Pretty much all of which I couldn't do without her. So it alternated me sitting alone staring blankly at equipment manuals or my phone. Or following her around quickly as we counted things and made more lists and more lists.

Day 2. This started badly. Day 1 I worked 9a-6p. She wanted us to work 8a-5p. I get there at around 7:40 because the drive took less time than yesterday. I sit around in my car.. no other cars in the lot. I text her at 7:50 that I'm there and she texts that she's on her way. Around 8 another guy (I honestly am not clear what his job is) lets me in since I don't have a key (this comes up later). I talk to him some because nobody is there and I have nothing to do until my friend gets there.

She shows up around 8:30. The day is largely spent ordering more stuff. This was scary because she had me set up an account with a company which involved actually calling them and filling out forms. I hate talking on the phone.

She gives me stuff to read. She leaves with a couple people to go to another location.  I read everything she gives me (about tests and genes and such). I run out of work while she's gone.. I re-read everything and look up more.

This is another problem.. these people actually eat, and seem to think I should eat too.. yesterday one of the sales people who was there bought lunch. One of my coworkers hands me a menu for a thai place and asks what I want. I say I'm not hungry. He hands it back and says to pick something. I stare blankly at it because I really didn't feel like eating. I pick something (some chicken stuff). I get to sit there with everyone and eat.

 Today when my friend leaves she asks if I want her to bring me something if they stop for food. I say I don't know. She texts me later they're getting tacos. At this point I'm kind of depressed and have no desire to eat. I say I'm not hungry. She says it's cheap and I should eat.. so I say chicken. She brings them. We don't really have a break room (well it has a fridge and a chair and nothing else right now), so I sit in an office and eat while she orders stuff. I ask what I can do because she's going to be on a conference call. She gives me a list. Find a UV light for the lab, 2 cleaning things, and to see if she can get something cheaper.

I do this. I mention at some point to one of the bosses (the one who made me order thai food) is around and I ask about my email being set up. He's surprised it isn't. I also say I don't have a key. The guy from this morning says he can program that (it's an electronic card thing). They leave.

The guy from this morning comes back. He asks what I'm doing (I'm looking at lights or something) I start to answer and he says he doesn't care. He may have meant he wasn't trying to criticize or comment on it.. but it came off very rude. He then starts to explain how they've decided only managers get cards now and that soon there will be a secretary to let me in. Then he goes on to say that he doesn't think they usually open at 8. I comment that I actually have the text saying 8-5. He says he believes me but it's not what they normally do and no one else is there. He says if my friend wants me to work that early she can let me in because she has a key. I don't say more because I'm really angry at the rude/patronizing way he's handling this. My friend WAS supposed to let me in at 8. She just didn't bother to get there on time. Plus, not long before he rushed off to get the card that he's now trying to logically say I can't have.

She has another call to be on at 4, so she quickly comes and gives me this list of things to find to order. I manage half of it because she was kind of vague on some things and because I couldn't really remember exactly what she wanted on others.. like I wrote down bottles, and I couldn't remember what kind. She texts me to let her know when I'm leaving and we can finish tomorrow.. so we'll finish tomorrow.

The other scary thing is that she was talking yesterday about how part of why she wanted them to hire me is I'm good at pipetting and this work requires a lot of accuracy. I am/was good at it. That's true. Now, I have hand tremors. I have these random muscle twitches now (think like the effect of a doctor using a reflex hammer). She doesn't know this. I know I need to quit, and I had this plan to stay with a friend so if I had problems detoxing someone would be there. I got this job before I could do that.. now I don't know what to do.

So so anxious. This won't be long. I have had several jobs before. They were retail mostly. You know what to expect.. usually some sort of computerized training. Then some actual training. Tomorrow.. this is a start-up company. I have only seen 5 other people. 2 were the guys who I interviewed with. 2 I never spoke to. 1 is the woman I know from school. I have always liked her. For a while the extent of our conversations was when I was standing outside the lab I researched in with some caffeinated beverage. We weren't allowed food/drink in lab. She also taught a lab I was in. Anyway, we talked, but I really know nothing about her (except an odd detail I know through someone else). However, she seems really happy to work with me. I mean.. I am hard working. I am devoted to the classes I teach (and we have the same boss), but I didn't expect this. I know it's not through the professor she is doing her PhD with because he wouldn't approve of her having a full time job either.

Well anyway, I am used to very structured jobs. My impression of this is that I am her side-kick although in different terms I can't remember. Our schedule is whatever the work requires. We have new equipment coming in that we will both be training on. It's a whole lot of unknown. That is the majority of my stress.. so I will update after work tomorrow.

Job

I will preface all this by saying that I am drunk. I just had an urge to update on the past few days.

Thursday, a woman I know from school (another grad student) emailed me and 3 others saying she worked at a company that was looking to hire a lab assistant. I debated it because this was a big change. I desperately need a job, but this was an actual career sort of job. I told my therapist I wouldn't do it. It was too much. I talked to my mom and decided to do it.

I emailed this girl and said I was interested (this was thursday) she asked if I could come in for an interview Friday. I agreed. It was not a very long interview. It was awkward in that there were 2 guys there, so it was hard to know who to look at. Toward the end, they asked when I could start, and I said next week. They were excited. The boss guy said he had texted his HR guy to figure out what they'd pay me, and he'd call me.  Part of me was super excited because it was pretty clear they wanted to hire me, but there was that nagging doubt because I didn't have a real offer.

Today I went to AA at 1:30. I casually checked my phone (which was on silent) and saw I missed a call from the woman I knew who recommended me for the job. I went outside (I am not good at being patient when I know I have an important voicemail) and the message she left is that I got the job.

I called her back to get the details It's a decent pay (much more than I make now). I start Monday. She wasn't real clear what my schedule is, which is good because it means it's flexible. My friend (the woman that works there) was really excited they hired me. We know each other casually. She works in the lab next to where I do my research at school. She was the teacher for a genetics lab I took. I considered her a friend even though we never hanged out.I didn't think we were close enough for her to be excited to work with me. I mean she thanked me for going for the interview, when I am incredibly thankful for her to recommend me and help me get a job. I really hope things will turn out as good as they sound.

It was just so fast. I hear about the job Thursday. I interview Friday. Saturday I get an official job offer. I have been applying for retail jobs and anything I could find for a month now, and I got this job in 3 days. I hope this is real. I hope it  is as good as it sounds.

Stupid fly

If you read this, it will make more sense if you read the previous entry. Basically, I am an alcoholic. I am starting to think I am seeing things

This thing in particular is a fly. Little like a fruit fly, not a house fly. My apartment isn't the cleanness, so I thought maybe it was real.. except I see it in the kitchen, the living room, the bathroom.

Today. I still don't know. I think it's a hallucination/imaginary and then it does something that makes it seem real. Like it I will watch it fly, and suddenly not see it. But then it landed on my monitor and wasn't just a black dot. It had wings (and because of genetics labs I know what fruit flies look like). I have tried repeatedly to catch it and failed. I don't know. I think I mostly see it drunk. Maybe I should put out fly paper.. you really never see one fly. There are usually groups and usually around food.

Anyway, I'm obsessing. I mean a fly is not a big hallucination. I'm weird about bugs and I hate fruit flies.. so it's not that weird. Plus, I haven't seen anything else. Don't get me wrong, I know the alcoholism is a big deal. I think I should stop worrying about the damn fly


(edit added later) I am feeling a bit better.. I am still fairly confident the fly isn't real, but when I was searching online I found that hypothyroidism can cause hallucinations. They say especially in the peripheral vision, and mention things like insects. My doctor is doing blood tests and I assume she did thyroid tests, so I guess I will find out then. 

But it's the little things that make me question my sanity at times

This is going to be an odd entry.

So I am a recovering bulimic, so I'm no stranger to throwing up. I don't mean that like bragging. It's a behavior I don't think I'll ever fully overcome. I mean I hope eventually that is not where my head will go when I see a toilet.. but that's not the point of this.

For me, purging and involuntarily throwing up are very different. I hate them both but one more than the other. I really try not to throw up when I drink. It's why i switched to shots instead of mixing the vodka with juice or something. It's why I have nearly perfected this pattern: shot of vodka then juice (switched from cranberry to something sweeter because it was better if I had been eating) then water. The water is the latest addition because eventually I think the juice taste becomes mentally associated with the vodka.

It isn't perfect though. The times lately I have thrown up.. when I look up it is (and this is the best description I can manage) like I am seeing flies made of light. The way it is if you have fruit flies around you but they're bright. It's really kind of disturbing.

Then tonight, I did throw up after only 4 shots. It was a matter of timing.. too close together or something. I did see little light flies. Then since then I have been occasionally seeing a fly (a fruit fly not a big one). Not just in the kitchen.. at my desk where I have Diet Pepsi and teddy grahams.. not really fly food. I'm starting to think it isn't real. This feeling has happened before.

I mean I have hand tremors which my psychiatrist says are alcohol related. I'm forgetting shit. My mind is making up shit and making it seem real. Now maybe I'm seeing things? And I'm job hunting and making resumes and going crazy over that. Money has to come first, right? I can't do therapy or treatment or meds if I don't find a job soon