Depression

Second post today because reality didnt fully set in until later. There is this sort of depression that I call desperate depression.


I don't think my therapist understands it.

It's this aching sadness that feels like I have to do something. When it sets in, I don't know why. I don't even really know what to do about it.

Things that come to mind
Suicide (first thought)
Drinking
Self harm
and in the past binging and purging

I usually don't tell anyone. I wouldn't even know what to say. So today I stood by my couch feeling it. I stared at the tv. I thought about the things I could do.

I hate that feeling. It feels so much more out of control than any of my other behaviors. There's this fear that someday I won't be able to handle it. I'm also scared of just being trapped in that feeling.

Today, I drank. I watched tv.. though shows about Chernobyl and toxic waste are probably not the best choice. Now I'm watching South Park

I sit hear thinking that I should shower.. but it's late enough I don't know if I care. I dread the thought that I may need to leave the apartment tomorrow. I am low on food. I have cereal and a couple frozen meals, but I probably should buy something I actually feel like eating (though I had shredded wheat for dinner and that was pretty good). I dread that I know Wednesday I'm meant to go see friends, and I usually cook dinner.. both sound exhausting.

But at the moment, I'm moderately drunk (8 shots). I don't know what to do with myself or the rest of the evening, but I don't feel desperate. I know if I drink more I won't care.

I took some Tylenol tonight for a nasty headache. I thought of how this one therapist talked how medications like Nyquil (cough/allergy) that combine alcohol and tylenol are really a horrible mix. Both can lead to liver damage eventually. I worry about my liver sometimes.. I saw the doctor a couple weeks ago, and she never called to tell me anything was wrong. It's annoying that she mails people the lab results.. so I haven't actually seen them yet. I just have to trust she'd tell me. I really need to find a different doctor