I don't think I've written much about my parents on here. I don't know why I'm picking that topic, but I wanted to do more than just set goals for today.

My relationship with my parents is strange. I love them. They love me. That I don't question.

There have been issues between me and my mom because she doesn't have a lot of friends. She had more when we lived in Maryland, but when we moved to Texas (I think 19 years ago) she didn't make any for a while. What this means is that she would come to me to complain about my dad or my brother. This probably started when I was in middle school.. pretty young. It is really awkward to listen to someone complain about family you still live with. My parents are still married, but my dad is stubborn and not very talkative.. so I got to hear about all that. My brother was always in trouble at school for not doing homework, making bad grades, and stuff like that. He's smart but stubborn like my dad. I know you have to adapt to how a teacher wants things done. Sometimes these things aren't really logical or important except how it affects your grades. He didn't adapt. He just got angry and blamed them for his grades. So I got to hear about all that.

The major issue since I was around 7. This started as lying by omission. If I was upset, I wouldn't tell them. If I was being bullied, I wouldn't tell them. I blamed myself for not having friends. I blamed myself for being bullied. I thought emotions were my own responsibility. I'm not really sure why. I was a very anxious child.

When I was around 12 or 13, the depression started. I was very unhappy at school. I had some friends but they didn't always treat me well. I had gained some weight and was being teased for that. My parents had no idea. They are either very bad at reading my emotions, or I am very good at hiding them. I think both but mostly the latter because other people couldn't tell either. I didn't start the self harm really for a couple more years, but I remember burning my food on a candle. I remember staring at a knife wondering about slitting my wrists.

When I was 15 is when shit hit the fan and they found out about the cutting and the depression. They didn't realize it started earlier than that. My mom honestly thought it was this acne medication I was put on in high school that caused it because that was a listed side effect. That really made me angry because I had been dealing with this for years.

This is when I really started lying. I was suicidal. The self harm got worse. I was scared if I told them they'd put me in a hospital, and if I was in a hospital I would miss school. Missing school was scarier than cutting myself or killing myself (though if I was dead I'd be missing school). So I lied until they somehow found out. Usually either from a friend or they'd find something I'd written. I think they read my journal one time. Then I'd start lying again. They really had no idea how bad it was.

In college when the bulimia started, I didn't tell them. I started losing weight really quickly. I was actually doing Weight Watchers with my mom at the time. I actually would try to water load or wear heavy clothing to make the weight loss not seem so fast. I lost 100 pounds in a year. They finally found out through a friend and I ended up back in therapy.

Again, they had no idea how bad it was. I was binging and purging multiple times a day. I was cutting again, and it was a lot worse than before. I became scared of a lot of foods. Grocery shopping would make me cry. I just didn't want to tell them because my other fear was not seeming normal or not being treated normally. I didn't want anything to change

Later, the lying became something different. I started lying because my parents (well my mom) has said some awful things to me when I was honest.

I talked to them about relapsing after my first treatment for bulimia. My mom basically told me I didn't try hard enough in treatment because I wanted to lose weight.

I talked to them about the depression at one point in grad school. I had emailed them because that was easier than explaining at all. When I asked if they had read it and if they wanted to talk about it, they said if I wanted to talk about it I could. Then my mom actually said "well, that was a conversation killer"

I told her about the drinking. I said I didn't expect it to get this bad (this was actually when I was drinking a whole lot less than I am now). She told me I wanted it to get this bad, and I should have known better than to drink because I knew I'd get addicted.

When I actually decided to go into the hospital to detox, I told them during therapy so my therapist was there. They can't say those things in front of her.

What some people don't understand is that I have a good relationship with them as long as I hide that stuff. I see them once or twice a week. I go shopping with my mom. I have dinner with them. We go to movies. I talk about school or friendship drama and casual stuff like that. I don't talk about the drinking or the depression or anything like that. I have no desire to tell them anymore.

My mom has at times been supportive when I talked to them, but I can't predict which response I'll get. Will they be supportive or will she same something hurtful? Will she acknowledge she said something hurtful or will she later claim she never said that? I am fairly certain she would deny saying those things (I know she denies the one about not trying hard enough in treatment) if I brought it up.. but I really would not make this up. And I remember what she said because it was really f***ing hurtful. Probably eventually, the drinking will come up again, but I'll wait until it's necessary.

I had 18 shots of vodka last night. I actually had 16 and went to bed and watched something on my tablet. I got up when I was feeling a bit less drunk and took a trazadone and 2 more shots. The trazadone I'm not currently prescribed, but I have a bunch a friend gave me back when I really was taking it. I don't throw medication away. I hoard it. I don't know if this is a suicidal behavior or just it seems wasteful to spend money on all these pills and then throw them away the next time my meds change. Most of it is antidepressants. The only real ones I shouldn't have are klonopin and librium. Both I guess are really not good to take with alcohol. It can lead to an overdose and death and whatever. I don't take the klonopin anymore. The librium I stuck in my purse when I started working because if I started having withdrawal symptoms or the tremors got bad I could take it. I only did it once.

Today I need to go to the liquor store. I need to shower and get dressed. That's about it.. I'll eat obviously, but those are the essential things. I actually hate going to the liquor store. There are 3 near me. The closest is actually 8 miles away because the city I live in doesn't have liquor stores. The issue is that in the closest 2 there are not many employees. One has 3, two women and this guy that kinda creeps me out for some reason. The other I think has 2, but it's almost always this one guy. They all recognize me. I feel like they must know I'm an alcoholic. Who else comes in almost once a week for a $12 handle (1.75L) of crappy vodka? So I alternate. I go to Jacobs once. I go to Crossroads next. The 3rd I rarely go to. If possible, I buy it near my parents house. There's a huge one near there with lots of employees. Though it makes me feel under-dressed because it is a really nice looking place. There's another little one. Then there's 2 places on the way home from there that are about 15 miles from where I live, but they're on my way home.

Also, in Texas liquor stores are open 10am-9pm and I hate going before noon or after 8:30. I've gone in at 10 till 9 before, and it felt weird. I will do it if I have no choice. This hasn't been much of a problem since it became legal to sell liquor in the town my parents live in. Texas has bizarre liquor laws, and each city has to vote to decide if they'll allow liquor stores. Beer and wine can be sold anywhere from 6am-midnight except Sundays where it's not allowed before noon. There were also cities that didn't allow beer or wine. Then in most cities, bars are not allowed. Businesses have to make at least 50% of there money from food. Places have been shut down because of that. My city has bars, but I only drink at home so I don't have to worry about driving after.

Sorry.. rambling, but it is all really strange, and it makes being an alcoholic hard at times. Especially if I run out Saturday night because liquor stores are closed Sundays, so I have to drink beer or wine or something like that. Vodka is 80 proof (40% alcohol). The other stuff is usually only  8%-12% so I have to drink a lot more.