I also want to say (to anyone who reads multiple entries) I have a very bad memory. It was kinda bad before, but it's gotten a lot worse since the drinking got bad. I occasionally will go through old entries to check what I have said.. but I hate reading old entries, so I may repeat myself.
Negative stuff
Today was hard in several ways.
1. The tremors are awful today. I met a friend for lunch and it was embarrassing. My voice even sounded shaky. I had to go to my parents after, so I took my usual gabapentin. Then when I was still shaking, I took a Librium which is bad.
My hands were still shaky, so I kept them in pockets or curled into a fist. Then I still can't hide the muscle spasms. In addition to the shaky hands, I have muscle spasms that make my whole leg more or my whole arm move. I tried to convince myself a few days ago that it might be a vitamin deficiency, so I started taking a multivitamin again. It still happens and only when I'm sober.. so definitely drinking related. And that scares me.
2. I had to ask my parents for money. They did offer when I was there Thursday. I told them I was ok for rent and bills that go through on the 1st. Well, then I had to get gas ($40) and have to pick up my meds later this week ($70), and that means I can't make rent. I told my mom and she asked how much I needed. I said $150, but I'm not sure that will cover it. I'm ok with overdrafting my account since I get more money Friday.
3. And this not a major thing but it bothers me. (also might be triggering) Since I was a kid (so way before eating disorder) I have hated meat with a lot of fat on it.. steaks, pork, chicken. If I cook, I pick whatever has the least extra fat. I obsessively trim chicken. I do not cook most other meats.
Well, my parents made pork steaks for dinner.. this is like pork chops + lots and lots of fat. I tried my best, but it looked ridiculous. Pieces of fat all over the plate or meat that seemed fatty or I was scared were undercooked. Thankfully my mom asked if I could cut up a few pieces for the dog, so my plate was a bit clearer.
My parents do know about this. (triggering) as a child if they gave me steak I would chew it and chew it but could not swallow it. Eventually I would usually spit it out. It bugs me because I am fairly certain some of the steaks weren't as bad, but oh well.
Positive/random stuff
In 2010 I went into residential treatment for bulimia. It was actually pretty amazing I could go. I told the place (Remuda Ranch in Arizona) that I couldn't afford a lot. They agreed that if I paid $1500 even if insurance didn't cover it, they would take me if I stayed 45 days. Insurance covered none of it, but I got to stay. It was amazing even if it wasn't perfect. It was a lot of work, and I met a lot of great women.
Normally, they have you write these lists for your parents and then say them to an empty chair that represents them. My amazing therapist and amazing family therapist created this psychodrama thing. It's hard to explain but basically the therapists were the voice of ED and depression, and I had to learn to ignore it or challenge it and take support from other parents and other patients. I remember sobbing behind some woman I didn't know as they shielded me. Wow, this still makes me cry
Anyway, the rose. We had a break for snack. I came back and there was a rose on my chair. They wouldn't tell me who left it. The idea of this kind of kindness and love from strangers shocked me.
I managed 6 months after that with no skipping meals, no purging, no binging. So after 6 months I got a tattoo as my reward.
This is the bible passage it comes from
Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence?
If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea,
even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast.
If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,"
even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you.
For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
This is one of a couple I clung to. The idea of being made by God. The idea of never escaping God were very powerful to me
Before treatment, I considered myself a Christian, but I had no connection to any god. I have had bad experiences being "religious" before. I left treatment different. I sat with the pastor and renewed my belief in Christ. It felt different.
I came home and found a church. I found a giant church with hundreds of people. It felt safe and anonymous, but at the same time it was disconnected and anonymous. When I moved to start school I stopped going.
About 2 years ago, I went to the baptism of my friend's son. I've known her since high school. I met her (eventual) husband in college. They call me "Aunt Beth". I went to their church. It's probably 30 miles away, but it felt different
The church is Byzantine Catholic.. basically a mix of Orthodox and Catholic. It involves lots of singing (from anyone not just the choir). I have actually talked to the priest. I have (only a couple times) gone for potluck dinners.
I got hooked. To officially join the church, I went throw catechism classes with the priest. It was basically me, my friend's husband (sometimes) and the priest. After that and a few weeks of waiting. I was ready for Chrismation.
The best comparison is that it's like Confirmation in a Catholic church. If you are baptized in the church, it happens at the same day you're baptized. If not, you do this before joining the church
This is my chrismation and my church. I am the one wrapped in the white shawl behind the little boy. I have a blue/purple shirt and a kinda goofy grin. This was on Holy Saturday the day before Easter, and it was a long ceremony. There were at least 3 of us for chrismation and 3 for baptism.
It was unreal. It is a gorgeous church. Icons and candles and singing. I still go. I don't mind the drive. I feel a connection here that I haven't felt before. I love the liturgy. I LOVE baptisms. Nothing like babies being dunked in water. They stay around and talk after every service. I mostly stick with my friends, but I managed a potluck without them. I didn't eat (I did eat before) but I managed to sit by the priest and hid my hands to hide the tremors. That was Good Friday and it was worth staying for the 2nd service
I guess that's it for now. Isn't it pretty?
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