But it's the little things that make me question my sanity at times

This is going to be an odd entry.

So I am a recovering bulimic, so I'm no stranger to throwing up. I don't mean that like bragging. It's a behavior I don't think I'll ever fully overcome. I mean I hope eventually that is not where my head will go when I see a toilet.. but that's not the point of this.

For me, purging and involuntarily throwing up are very different. I hate them both but one more than the other. I really try not to throw up when I drink. It's why i switched to shots instead of mixing the vodka with juice or something. It's why I have nearly perfected this pattern: shot of vodka then juice (switched from cranberry to something sweeter because it was better if I had been eating) then water. The water is the latest addition because eventually I think the juice taste becomes mentally associated with the vodka.

It isn't perfect though. The times lately I have thrown up.. when I look up it is (and this is the best description I can manage) like I am seeing flies made of light. The way it is if you have fruit flies around you but they're bright. It's really kind of disturbing.

Then tonight, I did throw up after only 4 shots. It was a matter of timing.. too close together or something. I did see little light flies. Then since then I have been occasionally seeing a fly (a fruit fly not a big one). Not just in the kitchen.. at my desk where I have Diet Pepsi and teddy grahams.. not really fly food. I'm starting to think it isn't real. This feeling has happened before.

I mean I have hand tremors which my psychiatrist says are alcohol related. I'm forgetting shit. My mind is making up shit and making it seem real. Now maybe I'm seeing things? And I'm job hunting and making resumes and going crazy over that. Money has to come first, right? I can't do therapy or treatment or meds if I don't find a job soon