Validation

I saw my therapist today. It was nice to feel validated about a bunch of things. I told her about inpatient, and she was pretty shocked by some of it. Like she was surprised by the cafeteria story and how they dragged me there while crying. She didn't seem surprised about me skipping so many meals since my eating disorder is always bad while inpatient. I explained about the patient that made me feel unsafe, and she was surprised at how little staff did about it both for her safety and other patients. I didn't really talk about it in php, so I felt better saying it.

I told her about php, and she agreed with my decision to discharge myself. She agrees that moving in with my parents wasn't a reasonable request and that it isn't simple to just pack up and go to rehab since I am out of pto and a month or more without a paycheck would be difficult. That's assuming insurance would pay for it. She wants me to try a mindfulness group led by a therapist she knows. It would be once a week for 10 weeks, which I am unsure about. I don't know if you have to commit to the whole thing.

I skipped going to see my parents after because I'm not feeling well. I think it's just allergies, but I have been nauseous all day. I bought pseudoephedrine to help and am home in bed. I did also drop off the prescription for my anxiety medicine (Vistaril) in preparation for work tomorrow. I will pick it up tomorrow. Hopefully I will be feeling better by then because I would hate to spend my first day back worrying about throwing up on top of every other worry.

Less lies. Less guilt

I discharged myself from PHP today. I asked to speak to the therapist before group to avoid having to talk about it in front of everyone. He asked why. I said that because I am not willing to do what they advised (either residential or moving in with my parents), I saw no reason to continue. I said I had appointments set up with my therapist and psychiatrist. He said ok. I actually felt so much better afterwards. I don't feel guilty. I think it was going to be harmful going and having these things constantly brought up. I had to see the doctor again since it was my last day, and she asked the same questions about me living alone and how could I be sure I would be safe and what I would do if things got worse. I said I would go to the hospital. Just like I have done every time I needed it.

In group, I did tell the other patients that it was my last day when the therapist mentioned it. Thankfully, he didn't go into why. He said it was my decision and at one point was saying people make decisions and shouldn't feel guilty. I said I didn't. I said I was happy to go back to work. I have a therapist and psychiatrist. I didn't want to mention what they were trying to convince me to do because I didn't need more people agreeing. I didn't want to mention that I was seeing my outpatient psychiatrist because that doctor wasn't going to give me what I need to go back to work.

I texted my supervisor and boss that I have the appointment Friday and should be able to come to work after. The doctor already agreed via email to write the letter, although I may lie about the drinking to be sure. I don't even care about that because I need to work if I am going to stay remotely sane. If they ask at work about the outpatient program, I will probably say I stopped the group but do not want to discuss why. I can say I still have a therapist and psychiatrist.

I am happy to return to my therapist. She knows more about my relationship with my parents. She knows the self harm and suicidal thoughts are chronic, and I have repeatedly shown the ability to recognize and communicate if I need to be inpatient. She knows how much I value my job. And so I don't have to lie. I don't like lying.

So I am choosing to believe that I made the right decision, even if some lying and manipulation was involved. I feel relieved to not have the people at php constantly asking me to do things that I am not willing to do. I don't really believe their motives were always about what was best for me. I think that I was a liability because I live alone and don't have someone to vouch for my safety. I think that was the motivation for much of this. That and because I was repeating the program. I am also not really angry anymore. I think the doctor refusing to clear me for work was just the push I needed to see the program wasn't a good fit. Maybe I will find something else or just stick with individual therapy for now.

I left in a pretty good mood. I went to the bank, got my hair trimmed, the liquor store, Old Navy for some new jeans, and the grocery store. I was seriously shaking after the hair cut.. that was a little too much human interaction even though she barely talked except to ask about if it looked right. I almost chickened out about the jeans because of it, but I settled down after sitting in my car a minute. I know that I need to get over the social anxiety. Definitely will be taking my anxiety med before work Friday in the hopes that I won't panic. I know they say that fear of having a panic attack can lead to a panic attack. I haven't had one since being inpatient, but I just keep thinking how terrible it would be to start sobbing and hyperventilating at work. I may go ahead and tell the supervisor and manager that it's happened recently, so I can say in advance how I want to handle it.. mainly that I would need to go somewhere quiet and just work on breathing. I honestly don't know if it helps for someone to talk to me because all staff ever did was ask if I was ok and leave me alone. I guess it helped when other patients could tell it was going to happen and get me away from certain triggers or tell me to go to my room.  So maybe mention warning signs. I honestly don't even know if they were anxiety attacks. I do know that it's mainly related to noise and crowds and not feeling safe (but thankfully people breaking things and beating on doors is not something I encounter at work).

I'm rambling. I'll stop now.

Seriously angry

So I am not a happy camper today. Admittedly, some of this is my fault, but I think they're being unreasonable. So yesterday the php therapist said that the doctor wanted to know if I would be willing to live with my parents, and I said no. Today I saw the doctor. She asked a bunch of things, and I kinda lied about some things (like the self harm) because I need her to give me a letter so I can go back to work. I tried to explain that it is better for me to be working than to have a lot of free time. She basically said she isn't recommending I go back to work, but we could see how the next couple days go.

I go back to group. There were only 2 of us and the other patient went to see the doctor, so it was just me and the therapist. He basically told me that the doctor and program director don't want me to continue the program since their recommendations are residential or living with someone or sober living. I said no to all of those, so there's nobody they can contact about my safety. I had mentioned that the doctor wouldn't write the note for work, and he said maybe they could manipulate the wording.. because when he asked how that news made me feel, I said if I wasn't able to do the program at least they could let me go back to work. I was angry and worried, but I saw no point talking about it. He asked what my options are if she wouldn't release me to return to work, and I think he wanted me to agree to residential or staying with my parents. He mentioned someone staying with me and because I was angry I just said the truth, which is that people aren't allowed in my apartment. That it's a mess and I mean borderline unlivable. He asked if that was hard for me, and I said yes. I really hate talking about it.

After group I was supposed to go to a movie with my mom and brother. I spent the drive obsessing about the situation. I actually am impressed at how I handled it. I emailed the HR guy to see if my therapist could write the release and when he said it had to be the physician, I asked if it could be my outpatient psychiatrist. I then called my psychiatrist.. the one I said I wouldn't go back to because the one I saw before that I have been trying to reach for days and nobody ever answers. I managed to get an appointment for Friday before work. I then emailed him to ask if he could do the release in case he needed to know in advance (or said no).

I had been obsessing over how to tell my supervisor/manager if I couldn't come Friday because I didn't have the letter. I didn't want to say the doctor I had planned on writing it wouldn't because then they might think I wasn't fit to work. Adding that the other doctor might only sounds manipulative. I mean the truth is that the reason she won't write it is because I live alone and have self destructive thoughts. That doesn't affect my ability to work, but it sounds bad. I don't think their expectation that my parents be involved is reasonable. I am 30 years old now and I have the right to live in my own place. Having a mental illness doesn't mean I need to be dependent on them or that they need to be willing to guarantee my safety. It just means I am a liability. Don't get me wrong..  if people do have a different relationship with their parents, great. Mine were upset the last time I did sign a release of information because someone called asking if they could check my apartment for weapons or extra medications. They didn't like someone implying that was their responsibility, and I politely said that I never asked them to and I didn't even know someone called them. The release only said that they could tell my parents I was admitted. So NO I don't want them questioning my parents about my safety.

Thankfully, I thought to check my email one more time while trying to write the email to my supervisor in the desperate hope that the psychiatrist replied. He did agree to sign a release. He offered to see me tomorrow, but I replied and said Friday was fine. I plan to go to PHP tomorrow and ask to discharge tomorrow. I see my therapist Thursday and psychiatrist Friday.

Yes, I recognize that I am repeating old patterns by going back to work now. I recognize that I am possibly setting myself up for failure. I honestly don't know what else to do. I feel completely hopeless thinking about it, but I am not ready to go back to rehab. It was such a worthless experience last time. I have been inpatient so many times since. I got sober through AA and maybe that's what I can hope for. I am scared to tell work that I failed and need more treatment especially if that might fail too. I just want to go back and at least have work as a purpose because now I am slowly becoming more hopeless. I am quitting php because even if they don't kick me out, telling me over and over that they recommend residential makes it worse. I don't need to be constantly reminded. I will go when I am ready. For now I feel hopeless and worthless enough.

I will update with how it goes. I don't think the therapist will be happy with my decision, and I am afraid I will have to talk to the program director who I dislike.

I lie, and I lie, and I lie

So for a few years, I considered myself an honest person. At least if I was asked a question, I would answer honestly. Admittedly lying by omission was another story entirely. I am not sure when this changed, but I am no longer an honest person. I am most of the time, but I don't hesitate to lie to people.

Today's lie was that I only drank Friday, when I drank Friday and Saturday. I went through 2 bottles (750ml each) in 2 days, but I told the therapist it was 1.. which is still a lot. I just was already having a bad day because while I was going through my treatment plan with an intern, he came in and said the doctor had a few questions. The first is if I had spoken with a friend about being on the release of information form so they can talk to someone (since I refuse to put my parents). I said I didn't have a chance. He asked about my therapist, and I said that would be fine. Then he said the doctor wanted to know if I was willing to live with my parents, and I could tell from his face that he knew the answer would be absolutely not. It wasn't healthy for me to live there, and I am not willing to go back. So I have a feeling that the doctor is going to ask again, and I will have to try to explain. I need to try to be calm around her because I need a letter releasing me to start work Friday, and I am honestly scared she will refuse. I mean I am not mentally well, but I think it would be better for me to work than to have so much free time. I hope she will understand that. I also don't think these meds are working, so I discussed in group what to say about that. I hesitate to make specific requests because I have to be sure I am not trying to be manipulative. I also have to keep my story consistent because anything I tell her or the therapist they will discuss with each other.

Well, I didn't end up seeing the doctor today. I will probably see her tomorrow. I am still anxious about the letter for work because I can see her trying to use it as leverage. I have been drinking less, and I have been able to go to group.. logically if I am able to go to group and talk, I should be able to go to work afterwards and think clearly. So that is my argument. If I am sober enough when I get to group to be there, then by the time I should go to work I am even more sober.

Admittedly today I was a bit suicidal. The education topic was self esteem, and the sheets we were reading asked us to write a description of ourselves. Mine was a worthless waste of space. I tried to think of something else, but that was all I could think of to describe myself. This activity and the fact that lunch was pasta led to me feeling pretty self destructive. I really feel like I might try to kill myself if this all continues because it is frequently on my mind. I am scared to mention it because I don't want to go inpatient again. I don't know how to change this. I feel hopeless.

I am drinking tonight because I just couldn't handle these feelings. I just want to escape. I will probably lie about it tomorrow because I need to go back to work. I really don't care if I live or die. I am afraid to admit this. I don't know. I don't know what to say anymore. I know I am a mess, and I am so lost about what to do now.

Feeling lost

I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know what is going on. I don't know what I want. I don't know what to do about it.

I went to IOP today. I finished the week. I talked more than usual, but I wasn't really feeling committed or motivated.. just ok. Then he showed up.

There was this patient inpatient that just made me uncomfortable. There was nothing really logical about it. I think it's a boundaries thing mostly, and there was just something I felt he wasn't saying. Normally if I was sitting alone reading, people left me alone or asked before talking to me. He would sit and talk endlessly to me. He would ask questions. I put up with it because there were scarier people who could sit at the table. He also would sit down at tables when I was sitting with other patients and start conversations. He didn't seem to acknowledge that we were already talking. He was one of 2 men like that.. although the other seemed to acknowledge that he was bothering me. He was there for illogical thinking according to him, but his behavior suggested something else. He talked about how he never wrote letters but had been writing several since inpatient. He was always writing. I felt like there was some paranoia or psychosis or something he wasn't acknowledging. He acted like he was perfectly fine.

Anyway, he showed up late to php. I was on edge. When the therapist asked us to introduce ourselves, he commented that he already knew me and had talked with me. When the therapist asked me (it was the education topic) about what I do for self care, I said nothing. The guy said that wasn't true and he had seen me read. I only do that inpatient, so I don't consider it part of my normal self care. It's not his business to correct me. Then at some point while reading the handout he asked if I read before bed. I said no. So yes... he bothers me.

My depression got so much worse after this. I sat during lunch not eating (they forgot my vegetarian meal and I said I didn't want to eat anyway) and debating if I should try to explain this to the therapist. The guy decided not to come back to group after lunch, so I didn't.

After lunch, I couldn't seem to talk. I didn't know what to say. I wanted to leave and drink. I knew if I didn't drink that I would cut and maybe more. I couldn't convince myself to say that because he already mentioned residential and I didn't want him to decide I should go back inpatient. I had said earlier that I thought maybe I discharged too early.

I feel like if I quit outpatient that I will be on the fast track to suicide. I feel like if I drink maybe I can manage or maybe I will become impulsive and do something. The therapist talked about that. I wonder if I can just manage outpatient as a bandage of sorts to delay my inevitably ending up inpatient again. I have considered residential, but I can't imagine going to them at work and explaining that I took this time off and still need more. I know if they ask how I am doing, I cannot honestly say I am better. I am still suicidal, which is why I went inpatient. Now I just think that I had better actually attempt suicide before going somewhere again or they won't take me seriously. I still keep considering overdoses. I want to cut my wrist. I don't know what I want other than self destruction.

So I am drinking. I am shutting down my brain. My plan is to drink tonight and maybe tomorrow but not Sunday. Then I think I can still go to php Monday. I at least need a letter from the doctor saying I can go back to work next Friday, so I have to go back. I found that out today, and it does complicate things a little. I am afraid that she won't write it. Then I either need to get my outpatient psychiatrist to write it or something. I guess I will see.

One day at a time

I started PHP yesterday and it was a bit of a fiasco. I did OK at first with introducing myself and explaining why I am here (again since I did this group a few months ago). Another patient kept talking about her many suicide attempts, and I think that is when my mood dropped. I started staring at the scars on my wrist and thinking about cutting and thinking about drinking. At one point the therapist asked me something, and I had to admit I was distracted and hadn't heard what he was saying. After lunch, I could barely string together sentences. He asked about the depression and if I was thinking about suicide or self harm. I saw the psychiatrist and admitted to drinking the day I discharged. I got a lot of questions about my support system and me living alone and how I could be sure not to drink or hurt myself. I basically said I couldn't promise, only try. Then the therapist was saying the same things. I finally said we could discuss it after group because I was really uncomfortable. I told him I am having second thoughts about php. I had promised myself not to drink while doing outpatient, but that means part of me wants to quit so I can drink. I am not sure I want to be sober or even alive. I had to sit while the program director went through a safety assessment. He explained the situation, thankfully, because I was having trouble coming up with words. I did tell him that last time constantly having him express concern and recommend treatment made me more hopeless and that what they said yesterday made it sound like they don't think I can do this. They kept asking about calling my parents, and I explained that they have previously been upset to be contacted regarding my treatment and steps to keep me safe. So I am not letting anyone contact them. The program director wanted me to call and say I felt like cutting, but I refused. The therapist finally recommended I try to finish the week and not drink and come to group, and then on Friday decide if I want to continue or discharge. I agreed.

I left feeling worse. I started having suicidal thoughts. I spent the evening with my parents, so it was ok. I did cut but didn't drink. I didn't want to go to group today, but I'm here. Depression is still bad. I am writing this rather than eating lunch because I can't convince myself to eat the shitty hospital food. I have a feeling he's going to ask and I'm going to have to talk more about the eating disorder (I have mentioned it but not in much detail). I do have plans with my parents tonight. It's my 30th birthday, and we're going to see Rent. I hope to enjoy it despite my current mood. Tomorrow I will decide if I want to do group or choose relapse, since realistically I know discharging now is choosing to get worse. I am just not really thrilled with being alive or hopeful that things will improve. Today I will try not to think too much.

Home again with stories to tell

I was discharged a few hours ago. I was there for a week. It was... interesting. I will say that I am no longer suicidal, so that's good. I am on new meds sertraline, tegratol (carbamazepine I think), and vistaril. Still on the seroquel.

My anxiety was terrible while I was there. I told everyone that the hospital was making it worse. Realistically, I know I have been drinking to avoid my emotions. I have also eliminated all uncomfortable social situations to avoid the anxiety. In the hospital social interaction is unavoidable and they don't serve alcohol, so this could have happened if I got sober at home and decided to make new friends or something. My second day I went to education group and everyone was talking at once and it was loud and I was so anxious. At the end I went back to my room and started sobbing and hyperventilating, which I guess is an anxiety attack? I went to process group and left early and did it again. The therapist decided to switch me from the chemical dependency group to regular psych, which she said would be calmer.

Thursday I was upset after group and a patient decided to try to start a fight with someone. The staff decided that even though I was crying already for safety's sake I needed to go to the cafeteria with everyone for lunch. I got lectured by someone who I don't think even worked on our unit about how I need to participate in the program including going to groups (group made me cry) and go to meals (during anxiety attacks?). I got to the cafeteria and was left to cry hysterically at a table alone. No staff tried to talk to me. I later saw my doctor and broke down crying telling him this. He wrote an order saying that I could eat on the ward, and they would bring a tray if I couldn't go to the cafeteria.

Now the eating disorder comes in. I didn't eat lunch Thursday because I was crying. I stayed on the unit Thursday night and all of Friday, and nobody brought trays for me. I didn't tell them until Friday night, so I had skipped 5 meals. I told my therapist who happened to be around. I went with the discharge planner to get some papers from my room. I came back and the therapist was talking to this night nurse Daniel (he will come up later). Shit hit the fan. They were looking at the order on my chart. A few hours before dinner I mentioned to a different nurse and it was heard by another nurse on the desk about the order. The one I was talking to looked at me like I was lying. The other said to check my chart. I told this to Daniel when they called me over. Next thing I know he's talking with this guy from another unit(who seriously looks like he should be a professional wrestler) and they're offering me food. They mention the sandwiches in the fridge and I say I don't eat meat. They offer to order pizza and I panic. I don't remember when in the conversation I started crying. I say I am recovering from an eating disorder and would prefer not to eat because this is too much. They say they just want me to eat since I hadn't eaten in almost 2 days and need fuel. The wrestler guy asks what I want to eat, and I honestly couldn't think of anything. They finally say they will order pizza for everyone and get me a salad. I say fine and go to my room to cry in bed. A while later wrestler is at the door of my room and asks me to come out. He says he got me a vegetarian pasta and garden salad. I nod and go out. There's a bunch of pizzas for everyone else and the pasta and salad for me. I sit down with it and of course other people sit at the table. Of course one comments on them getting me a salad and asks about me being vegetarian. This means at least 1 person noticed that I was eating something different and I am mortified. I put the pasta back on the counter. I tell Daniel I ate the salad but absolutely can't eat the pasta. He thanks me for eating, and I hide in my bedroom until it's time for night meds.

Saturday I get trays and eat some meals. Sunday I wake up and have 3 cups of coffee and tell the tech Scott (who will come up in a minute)  not to bring me breakfast. I tell the nurse I will eat lunch. I tell Scott not to bring me lunch when it's time. He comments that I should eat. The asshole weekend nurse comes by as I am laying in bed during lunch and tells me my depression will just get worse if I don't eat. I tell Scott not to bring dinner and he asks if I have eaten at all and makes me say that I will eat something later. I manage to avoid it. Monday I tell them not to bring breakfast or lunch. The tech insists on bringing a dinner tray. It wasn't vegetarian, so I threw it away when they weren't looking. Knowing that the longer this goes on, the harder eating will be, I later ask Daniel for a snack (having mentioned not eating Sunday). He says this other tech who for some reason makes me uncomfortable can get it. I decide not to ask, so I go over 48 hours without food. Today I wake up and while sitting around I decided to go to breakfast and ask another patient to sit with me for support. I had told her over a few days why I didn't go to the cafeteria and she knew some of the situations and patients that triggered my anxiety. She and my roommate had noticed a couple times when I was starting to panic. So I ate in the cafeteria. Lunch.. group ran late and that made me really anxious about running late for lunch. The same patient saw and agreed I shouldn't go and offered to bring me tea from the cafeteria. I reminded the tech that I needed a vegetarian tray, and it never came. So I had tea and goldfish crackers.

So I don't know why I am mentioning this because it's embarrassing, but it does explain some of this. I have a habit of becoming slightly attached to staff members in treatment. Sometimes it's women. Sometimes it's attractive men. Maybe because I don't date, my mind jumps at the opportunity to get attention from men. Not romantic.. just attention, concern, and sympathy. I learned my lesson early on about male patients. I made friends with this guy my first time inpatient. He shared his diet sodas with me (I was an ED patient and not allowed diet products). We watched cartoons in our pajamas. I gave him my phone number when he discharged. He called me months later to say he had started cutting and it reminded him of me.. WTF? So I don't give my info to male patients. But staff.. Daniel was very sweet. He was one of the only people to get an honest answer if he asked if I was ok. He was there when I admitted and had me wait until there was a female nurse to do my skin assessment. He was always very nice and quiet waking me for vitals. So maybe I told the therapist about the trays because he was there and I knew would be nice about it. He had pretty eyes. Scott was also really attractive and very nice. So probably I refused meals hoping he would say something. I might have wanted attention, and I got the concerned looks. I got told I should eat. The days that nobody brought trays, nobody said anything. Apparently if you're fat enough, even if your chart mentions an eating disorder, not eating is perfectly acceptable. As much as I cried, the whole mess with Daniel and the wrestler at least made me feel like maybe I deserved food.

A lot of my anxiety was due to other patients. The ones who yell at staff or the girl across the hall. The girl in the room across from mine had dissociative identity disorder and would periodically freak out. She would try to hurt herself and she would hit things. One day she threw a chair. One day I woke before 5 to her breaking a shelf in her room. It didn't make me feel safe. One day she was sitting in the hallway and three staff were trying to stop her hitting her head on the wall. The patient who sat with me at breakfast made me change chairs so I couldn't watch because she knew she scared me. Don't get me wrong, I have sympathy. I understand his self harm and that triggered urges in me. However, she threw things and broke things and we had to sleep with doors open, so that didn't feel safe. Any other violent patient was moved to a different ward, but for some reason she was an exception (I have my theories) and I lost sleep because of her. I think on some level I might have been jealous of the attention she got, which is horrible.

I did self harm some. Of course I didn't want to extend my stay, so I only told the weekend therapist I had urges to self harm. I didn't say that the tech who searched my belongings left me the little plastic cover for my toothbrush and by that point had broken it in pieces with sharp edges and scratched myself. He did get Daniel to unlock my bedroom so I could read where it was quiet. They have a rule about locking the bedrooms most of the day and making us stay in the day room. The day room made me incredibly anxious, so I might have manipulated them a couple times to let me into my bedroom to either cry or sit/lie in bed to avoid anxiety attacks. I was occasionally asked by staff if I was ok because I was lying there staring at the wall because I was exhausted but unable to sleep.. or crying and breathing into the blanket because I was near hyperventilating.

Oh and this hospital uses Ativan for detox instead of Librium.. and apparently it gives me double vision. I sat watching TV and realized that I was seeing double, and I ignored it. The next day after sitting through a group where everyone had 2 heads I told my psychiatrist. I realized I should mention that while I had taken Ativan before it was never that much. He looked it up and that is a side effect, though he said I was his first patient to have this problem. He switched me to Librium and it went away. I actually only needed detox meds for 3-4 days of my stay. That was actually nicer than the usual Librium taper which lasts a week.

After discharge, I was a grownup and went to the bank to report the debit card that I lost a few weeks ago. I went to target for groceries. Now.. I am watching Grey's Anatomy and finishing the half bottle of vodka that was in my freezer. Yes, this is bad. I don't intend to buy more, but I decided at some point to finish this. I think there are parts of the stay that bordered on traumatic. The anxiety was something that I hadn't experienced before. I just want one last night. Tomorrow I start PHP with the same therapist as before and I know that will be weird because he kept recommending inpatient/residential. I don't think he will judge. I think he will be happy that I came back. I plan not to drink through PHP/IOP, so tonight is the last opportunity. I have to go clothes shopping with my mom tomorrow because Thursday we are going to see RENT (the musical) on/for my birthday. It was the reason I worried about going inpatient. I was worried I would miss it, and while I don't know I suspect the tickets weren't cheap. I am happy to be out in time to go. I have actually asked my mom about seeing a movie and about going out to dinner for my birthday. I am planning not to go back to work until the 30th, which scares me. I am feeling guilty for extra time off, but it gives me a chance to try php. It also means I can do social things like shopping and movies and dinner. I know I need to work on social anxiety, so I will try. I will not go back early. I haven't even texted anyone. I will tell the manager and my supervisor tomorrow. Today is a non-stress day. No email. No work texts. Just life.

On my way

I let myself sleep until noon given how tired I have been and the mood I was in last night. I am proud that I didn't self harm when I got home. I did drink obviously. The guilt is better today, although not gone. I took my cats to my parent's house and then called the hospital. I have an appointment at 6 to go in. I texted the manager and my supervisor. The manager responded "that's great!" And that she hopes it goes better this time. My supervisor just said OK thanks, but whatever. I know they are supportive. I am now stopping to eat and maybe buy a few things since I still have a couple hours before my appointment. I reminded myself while driving that I am useless to them if I'm dead, so there's no point feeling guilty. It is best for everyone if I get better, so I will try. This is probably the last I will write until I get out. I hope that I can get some sleep in the hospital and finally be less exhausted. I don't care much about the therapy. I want rest and to get my meds sorted out. The goal inpatient is to get back to being functional. Then I know I must work on the rest.

Thank you and the update

Thank you for the comments on the past couple posts. The encouragement is much appreciated. I was just in a bad place the past few days and between this and a couple friends, I have held it together.

So the update

I got there in a bit of a state. I was anxious and depressed. When the supervisor left me sitting in the conference room for a minute, I realized how badly I was shaking. The manager and he came in. I said that over the past couple days things have gotten a lot worse.  I said that I had gone from depressed and self destructive to depressed and suicidal. I said I need to be in the hospital.

They said that I need to do what's best for me. They said that I shouldn't be worried about work, nobody will be upset. The manager said not to feel like I need to be back as soon as possible. She said not to feel like I need to be back in a week.. to take as much time as I need to get better. She said I should qualify for medical leave, and my supervisor emailed the HR guy about talking to me. I met with him and said the same thing, which was a bit awkward since this was my first time speaking to him. But he said he would get the paperwork ready, so I went back to work and wait. I then picked it up. This all happened while 2 other coworkers had no idea what was happening.

I managed the rest of the day. The manager said when we met that she didn't want me working on reconfirmations today. I don't know if it's because she didn't want me stressed or something else. I didn't ask. I talked a little with my supervisor over lunch. I said something about having to take a break yesterday (when I was crying), and he said the manager mentioned it, which left me wondering who told her. I nearly cried later at some point and had to walk around. I tried to offer to help with the pull and he reminded me that I couldn't do reruns. I said to tell me if he needed help with anything. At midnight he told me to go home. We awkwardly quietly discussed tomorrow. I said I will text him when I know that I am going inpatient. I asked if someone could contact him if I needed to drop off the paperwork and can't just fax it. I left. I cried driving home.

Nothing they said suggested that I should feel guilty. Nothing they said, no concerned looks, can make the guilt go away. I know I left a plate unfinished when he told me to go home.. even if I did more work than the other two. I saw the rerun sheet. I know what he said was on the pull, and I hate myself for not being there tomorrow. However, I know I can't keep it up. I can't keep working while exhausted and depressed. I can't keep leaving an wondering if I can drive off the road at the top of that hill and die. I can't keep walking around the building fighting tears. I will wake up and pack a bag. I will take my babies to my parent's house. I will go into the damn hospital again because it seems that people like me to be alive. Judging from what she said and from her face, the manager is included in that. I will make an effort to fix this and pretend that I have hope for a different life. I will go inpatient and really hope that I can sleep and come out less exhausted. I will try. I don't know if I want to. I don't know if I want to survive this, but I will try? If nothing else if I want to make it up to them and undo this guilt about work, I have to come back and work.

So thank you for your support through all of this. I still haven't been written up or whatever, but I have taken medical leave. I may or may not write again before I go inpatient. So if you don't hear from me for a while, I am safe. I am trying. I am debating telling the coworker who brought me tissues during my crying break that I am taking some time to get help because I am not sure what my supervisor will tell them, and I want her not to worry. I texted the one I have been talking to about this and who told me I can't keep doing this and told her what happened. She was happy and said to rest. I may text the other and just say that I am taking time to get help and if anyone asks that I am safe. I don't know. I think I have been crazy enough lately that it will make sense if I am gone, and the coworker that knows can tell anyone who asks that I am fine. Maybe I will tell her that it is OK to tell anyone who is concerned about me that I am fine. I will decide tomorrow. Tonight I am enjoying my last night drunk and trying to avoid guilt. I may write tomorrow if I have free time, but I will definitely update when I get out. I am promising here (and I hate lying) that I will go tomorrow. If my first choice doesn't have a bed, I will go somewhere else. I will do this. Thank you and good night.

In need of encouragement

I normally would not ask this because it is rather pathetic, but if anyone is reading this I could use some kind words. I am just feeling very low. I am so anxious about work today. Both because I need to talk to them about getting help since I am rather suicidal, but I also just have to keep it together despite the exhaustion. I slept poorly. I woke up around 10 despite being determined to sleep until noon. I managed a little more sleep and even reset my alarm for 1 before deciding that it was not going to help. I showered to look presentable and went to the liquor store. I bought a smaller bottle of vodka because if I go inpatient tomorrow I hopefully only need enough for tonight. I am now sitting at Target having a large diet Pepsi and breadsticks for lunch and will pick up a salad for work and probably at least one energy drink. I shouldn't be having so much caffeine, but I can't think of any other way. I am so tired and so low right now. I am fairly sure I will cry at work again and just hope it's not until late enough that there are less people around to potentially see. Things just keep getting worse and I can't do this much longer. I really hope they are understanding. So any encouragement is welcome. I am very much at the end of my rope and trying just to hang on.

Losing it

I was right about work being bad today. It was terrible. I was exhausted. I slept until after 1pm and was still tired. I had 2 energy drinks and was still tired. I managed to keep it together until maybe 9 or 10. Then I had to take a break because I couldn't stop myself from crying. I sat in this little room with chairs (called the wellness room) and I cried. One coworker came looking for me to see about getting coffee. She saw me and said I need to talk to the manager because I can't keep going like this. She's the one who I have talked to about things. I tried walking around in the unoccupied side of the building and sat down to cry again. A different woman came in and gave me tissues and asked if I needed a hug. I said no and that I would be okay. I am not sure if she heard me or if she just knew that's why I went in there. I joke about crying. We all had lunch together and she showed me Charlie the unicorn videos and I laughed so hard there were tears. So she may just have known. It was awkward though. I eventually stopped crying and went back to work. The second coworker sent me a message that she was there if I needed to talk. I said I was just exhausted.

I managed to finish the shift. I did message my supervisor that I need to talk to them tomorrow and that things had gotten a lot worse in the past couple days. He said that was fine and she should be there tomorrow. He never said anything about me crying. I don't know if he didn't notice or just didn't say anything. He did look at me a bit strange over lunch but that was probably related to Charlie the unicorn.. because yeah. Those people were on something. My coworker said she was surprised that I hadn't seen it. I am not sure what that says about me exactly.

So I will do my best tomorrow to tell them. I mentioned it to my supervisor so I don't chicken out. I am planning to say that over the weekend I went from being depressed and self destructive to depressed and suicidal. I hope that they will understand. I hope I can make it through my shift. I honestly hope they will let me leave early if I tell them because I am tired and sleep doesn't seem to be helping. I have to wake up early enough to go to the liquor store before work if I am going to survive tomorrow night. So I am trying to get to bed at a decent hour.

Giving up

The new plan is this. Monday I will pull the manager or if she's not there my supervisor aside and just say that after the past couple days I need to be in the hospital. I am no longer just depressed. I am suicidal. This is largely because of stress at work although I may not say that. If I mention that this changed over the weekend, they can probably figure it out. Work was insane today. There is going to be insanity tomorrow. I am exhausted. I drove home thinking of ways to kill myself and what to say to make them understand that I need to be inpatient if they want me alive. I didn't want to use the word suicidal, but I think it now applies. It is hard to argue with. I might even text my supervisor or the manager tomorrow about talking to them. It is a terrible time to be off work, but I can't do this. I seriously almost lost it tonight. I just cannot handle the amount of work and the exhaustion anymore. I can't pretend to be happy. I doubt any amount of sleep will help. I expect to cry tomorrow. I don't even care anymore. I know they might hate me for this, but I have a feeling they would hate me for dying too. So I will try to keep it together until Monday and then I will try to make this as clear as possible.

I think I may text her tomorrow to ask to speak to her Monday and offer to come in early. I will say it's personal but important. If she wants me to communicate it via text or call her, I can. If she wants to just start with the meeting with HR, that's fine. I just want to make sure she doesn't leave without me saying this because I don't want to put this off. I really doubt my ability to keep myself alive. I don't know if I want help, but I need help. I will somehow manage this.

What people need to understand

This will make more sense if you read the last post first. I just am writing this separately because it seems simpler. This is basically what I need the manager and supervisor to know, so they can actually understand why I need help asap. After I published the last post, I decided that maybe I will actually print this out to show them Monday, so feedback is welcome on if it's a terrible, manipulative idea.

The things you need to understand

I suffer from alcoholism. Before I ever started drinking, I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder, recurrent, severe. I have been hospitalized many times before you met me for depression, self harm, and chronic suicidal thoughts. I have been on medication for this for almost 15 years. I have been cutting myself for almost 15 years.

I am not currently taking the majority of my medication. I was prescribed 6 medications that were not working and I was not able to keep up with. My psychiatrist refuses to make changes to help me either feel better or be able to keep up with my medication.

I have for a couple weeks been getting worse. The self harm has escalated. I am doing my best to function. This basically means coming to work and trying not to do anything that could actually kill me because I am still currently able to recognize that there are people that would be upset if I died. I know that without help, I am likely to reach a point where I will not recognize this or will care more about not wanting to live.

When I was hospitalized at the beginning of this year, it was because I had progressed to actively planning suicide, and friends had an intervention and insisted I go inpatient. After I went inpatient the second time and got sober, I began actively trying to find a way to kill myself while still inpatient. The depression reaches a point where self harm and alcohol cannot help me cope. There is obvious risk in delaying treatment until it reaches that point.

As it is, my life consists of work, sleep, and the unhealthy coping skills to lower the stress and depression to a level where I can continue to function. It is not a life I want to continue. My options are getting help or risking the depression worsening to the point where I will not be able to function.

These are the things that I would like you to understand when determining when I can take time off. I have known for some time that I needed help, but I did not want to take leave when we were moving, when sample volume was increasing, or when we were short staffed because of analysts leaving. I value/valued the company more than myself. I am now trying to remember that if I am unable to function or no longer alive, you will also have one less analyst. That is why I know that it is best for everyone for me to get treatment. I am still willing to wait if there is a more convenient time, but I want you to understand the entirety of the situation.  I apologize for any concern or inconvenience any of this has caused.

So yeah. I can put it into words in writing but would never be able to say it. I also probably couldn't put this into words while entirely sober. I am better at honesty while intoxicated. I am tempted to print out the part above and hand it to my supervisor and manager when I get there Monday and say that they are welcome to show it to HR or anyone necessary. They all know that I am crazy, so they may as well understand how crazy. I know that I only have told them bits and pieces to avoid excess worry, but I don't think that is benefiting anyone at this stage. If they want an alive analyst who is able to come to work and do her job, they need to acknowledge that I am only just barely able now and time is important. I rarely acknowledge how suicidal I can become, but I am aware that it's inevitable if nothing changes. Twice this year I reached that point and have wavered just shy of it at several points since. I just prefer denial and to focus on how I haven't attempted. However even that... I am well aware that I have overdosed on diet pills and diuretics and told myself that was the eating disorder, but taking an entire box of diuretics hoping your heart might stop is more than eating disorder behavior. When asked if I have ever attempted suicide, I tend to answer "No, but..." and allow people to judge for themselves how to view some incidents. It's kind of how I answer if I have a plan too.. because frequently I don't but just rely on knowing that I have a lot of extra medication sitting around at any given time. I definitely do now since I am not taking all of them. Sorry for 2 depressing posts in one night

Awkward meal

So work today was super not fun. I had to get up early to go get my stitches out before work, so I was tired and not in a good mood. I made the mistake of taking my lunch at the same time as my supervisor.

This was after I already knew that I wasn't going to get to go get treatment this weekend because the manager went home. So unfortunately the supervisor sat by me, and it was awkward. After a few awkward words, he brought it up. He said they had gotten the final warning plan approved basically. They were supposed to meet with HR yesterday but that the HR guy couldn't make it, so my supervisor was doing the paperwork today and we would meet Monday. He apologized for how long it was taking, and when I said something he said I he knew I wanted to get help. I said that I knew it wasn't his fault and was doing my best to keep it together. I didn't say more. I stared at the table as he tried awkwardly to make small talk.

After that, I kinda lost it. I had to get up at some point because I was laughing so hard there were tears in my eyes, but when I sat down to work again it was obvious it wasn't happy tears. I kept near sobbing when I tried to talk. I think it was pretty obvious that I wasn't really OK. I had to go sit in another room twice before I could work again. I was just exhausted and having some suicidal thoughts. I managed to finish the shift. I should probably have stayed later to help but I was so far gone by then. I just wanted to leave. It was going to be that or say something I would regret. I wanted to say so much to my supervisor because I wish someone understood that me doing my best is really just me trying not to actually kill myself and go to work everyday. It's trying to remind myself that there are people who would be upset if I died. I don't give a shit about hurting myself, I am not taking the majority of my meds, and I sleep the rest of the time so I can function. I am so not ok, and I am aware that it may reach the point where I stop caring about other people and just care that I don't want to be alive. The first time I was inpatient this year is because I reached that point. The second time I started pretty actively thinking about killing myself inpatient and experimented to see if I could smother myself with my pillow between checks. So I know it will get there again if I don't go soon, but nobody seems to care enough to intervene. I will probably say something Monday. Hopefully when I am less tired, I can put this into words and actually say them. Tonight I would only have worried him and accomplished nothing else. So I left as soon as possible and am home drinking.

Hating myself

So I hate myself tonight, and you might too after this... but whatever.

So I left my parent's house tonight to drive home. On the way, I heard a car crash. I only saw a little out of the corner of my eye. One car hit, the other rolled, and traffic kept moving. I was in the middle lane going the opposite way and couldn't really just stop. The road was busy, and I decided someone would stop and call 911. The decision was also based on the selfish thought that I am not emotionally stable and turning around to go back and be sure someone called would make me worse. I frequently think of ways to kill myself while driving. There are so many ways to die driving, so spending any amount of time around car accidents makes me suicidal. I did see a cop car turn around and drive back toward the intersection. It was also right next to a fire station. So I can 100% guarantee that the people got help, but I don't know what happened. And I am hating myself.

I had a rough day anyway. I had therapy and updated her on work. I saw my parents. I actually asked my mom about medical leave paperwork because she has more experience with it, so I have some idea what I need to do. I had to call in for a meeting at work. I did text my supervisor to see if he talked to the manager, and he said yes. I don't know what to expect tomorrow.

After the drive home tonight, I did stop to stock up on first aid supplies because I knew I wasn't going to avoid it tonight. I need help. I need my job to value me enough to let me go. If I can go tomorrow or Saturday, I will. I just want this over and dealt with and not to have the unknown hanging over me. I don't know what will happen. Maybe they will say nothing. Maybe I will be fired. Maybe they will understand that I am getting worse. I am basically only taking the seroquel (and thyroid medicine and antibiotic) and none of my other meds. I intend to be honest if I go inpatient about it because it would be worse to claim I am taking 5 other things. I want a fresh start. I want a set of meds that could work and not to be trying to keep up with a bunch that nobody knows if they're working. I want to be a functioning human being, but I know that healthy people don't buy new knives to be sure they have the same type that has resulted twice in needing stitches. They don't take a water bottle full of vodka to drink before visiting parents and drink it mixed with diet Pepsi before a work meeting. I then stash any container that had vodka in it in the trunk of my car so I can't get a ticket for driving with an open/alcohol container. Logic. Fucked up logic.

So I'm rambling. It's been a rough day. I will update tomorrow.

Guilt

I don't know if I should feel bad about this.  I got to work and the manager left before I could get a chance to talk to her. It left me feeling pretty anxious and hopeless. The night was stressful. I found a problem with a plate that was a pretty big deal. It would have been worse if not found now. Otherwise, there wasn't much to do.

At the end of the night, I did what I am feeling guilty about. I asked if he had heard anything more about my situation. I said that things have been getting worse. I mentioned getting 13 stitches last week. I am hoping it is enough to get him to understand the situation. I mentioned how I can't go directly to HR without them possibly realizing that he talked to me. I know this was manipulative. I either need permission to talk about things that I shouldn't know or for him to fucking deal with it. He said he will tell the manager tomorrow that I came to him about needing help. He seemed to understand my situation and told me that he would tell her if I could promise nothing would happen tonight. So I think he understands the significance of the self harm.

But I feel bad. I know how manipulative I can be, and I try not to do it. I try to be fair about how I handle things, but fair hasn't been working. Nobody is acknowledging that I shouldn't be waiting around to get help because of this. I shouldn't be forced to work indefinitely with the added stress of not officially knowing if I might lose my job. I need help if I am going to keep working. So I said what I maybe shouldn't have. I mentioned that I can't go to anyone without revealing what I shouldn't have been told. I mentioned the stitches to remind him that it is affecting me and to make someone understand that this is my life we are dealing with. My life is at stake not just my job. The problem (this I didn't say) is that I value my job more than my life. I care more about what they want me to do than I care about what I do to myself while waiting. I just really doubt my ability to keep myself functional for the foreseeable future without help. It usually has to be quite bad for me to question this, and I know that.

So I will see what happens tomorrow. I don't know if he will tell her exactly what I said about the stitches. I hope he does because I think she will understand the significance, and she will care more about speeding this along. He is the more passive person, but I think she will take action. In the past, when I told her I needed help, she scheduled for me to be off and get it. He has mostly said to let them know if I need it. I don't know if I will get called in tomorrow to talk or if it will happen Friday when I work. It's awkward because I still have no desire to explain the rest of this to my parents, so I have no explanation for what's taking so long. I feel bad, but I don't think telling them my job is at risk would help. So I will update tomorrow. Tonight I am really fighting the urge to try taking out the stitches. Not sure why..  other than just generally being crazy. I know it's a dumb idea.

Labor Day

So things are about the same. Work is stressful, and everyone is tired. At work we use Skype for business, which is like instant messenger. It's convenient since you don't have to walk to someone's desk every time you have a question. Recently, we discovered the variety of emojis you can send.. and there's a time of night when we cease to communicate with words. We communicate in emoji. This has on a couple of occasions resulted in me having to walk around the building because I was laughing so hard there were tears in my eyes. We're weird when we are tired and the supervisor is gone.

We also have inside jokes now, which are mostly quoting the supervisor when he's not there. My favorite is "they can't fire all of us" which was not funny when he started saying it, but somehow it is now. There was a time the chief toxicologist (boss) came to talk to us and say that none of us were getting fired (this was a while ago) because someone mentioned that he had been saying that. He didn't say it as jokingly as I do. We have a new trainee, and I worry he thinks we're all crazy. People have been discussing the dreams they have had about work because we all think about work even when we're not there.

I talked to a coworker, and she agreed with the plan to talk to the manager about needing help. I explained that I can't go to HR without them possibly realizing that I know more than I am supposed to. She also agrees that the supervisor is not likely to advocate for me. He is too passive and I am not sure he really wants me taking time off since we are short staffed. Don't get me wrong. I do think he cares about me, but I don't think he understands the severity of the situation. I am about ready to just show him the stitches in my leg. I am thinking that I will talk to him first. I will explain my plan to talk to the manager and that it is not going to involve revealing that he told me things. I don't want him getting paranoid, and if he wants to talk to her instead or handle it differently.. fine. I don't care. I just can't keep dealing with the stress. I am not going to be able to keep functioning forever. There's this curve in the road leaving work with barely any guardrail, and I have on multiple occasions considered just driving off the edge. I probably shouldn't say that to them, but I know it is bad.

Yesterday we had to finish all the work because today is a holiday, and nobody is working. It went pretty smoothly until we discovered a case from the first that was waiting on a reconfirmation and had been missed by the lab. We discussed who would be blamed. I admittedly missed it but so did everyone else. It was missed by multiple lab techs doing reruns. It was missed by multiple analysts and the supervisors. However, it definitely worried everyone. Thankfully, they didn't make anyone go in today to deal with it, or at least the supervisor texted me that nobody was working today. Once I saw the text, I made my plans for the day. I slept until 2pm then went to the liquor store and Target. I was half afraid that I would get a call at 3:30 asking me why I wasn't at work. I didn't, so I went home, painted my nails (mainly because I accidentally got hair dye on one so it's brown) and am watching TV. Trying not to think about tomorrow.

Needing help

I really don't know how to handle this situation at work. I tried to ask my supervisor when the meeting about what happened was going to happen. He said he had asked but had no answer. I then pulled him aside and added that having this hanging over me was making things worse. I didn't mention the cutting and getting stitches because I didn't want to worry him. He told me I am probably just getting written up, but that the HR guy was still figuring out medical leave. I don't know if I should have told him what happened with urgent care. I realize he isn't in control of this and has tried telling me things he wasn't supposed to in order to calm me down. However, I don't think he understands the severity of what's happening. He almost seems to want it to blow over (Tuesday he said "maybe they will forget lol" in a text). I understand that, but I also know I cannot live this way. I am having suicidal thoughts. I am cutting pretty much daily. I am drinking unhealthy amounts of vodka.

So my current thought is to do one of two things Monday. I can tell him that I am in an awkward situation knowing more than I should. I either need help figuring out how to go to the HR guy or manager about getting help without revealing what I know or for him to advocate for me. I can tell him that I am seriously self destructive and need help. Or I can go to the manager or HR and say that this happened, and I really need help if they want to keep me as an employee and alive, and am I able to get treatment soon. I am thinking of I say it that way I am not mentioning any plans they might have or saying even that I know they went to HR. I am just saying I need help and am willing to get it. I am afraid if I don't go to my supervisor first that he will be paranoid that I told them what he told me. Really, I just need someone to know that I am questioning my ability to keep myself alive.

I kept thinking of saying that I often think it would be better for everyone if I had never been hired and no one would have to deal with my mental health issues, but that since I was hired I do know that people would be upset if I killed myself. I thought of asking if they would call my emergency contact if I suddenly didn't show up and stopped answering my phone. I have wondered frequently how to be sure the right people are notified if I kill myself. I did briefly think that asking that might move this along, but it's rather passive aggressive. I am still wondering about creating a contact list on my phone of people to tell if I die, and that is one of the thoughts reminding me I need help.

I think Monday that I will have to do something. I will probably talk to the manager because I believe that I am allowed to know she is involved and that she will be more proactive if I tell her I really need help soon. I don't know how much to tell her, but any of this is probably enough to get the point that I am absolutely losing it. I don't want to go to HR since I have never really spoken to that person directly. He knows about my hospitalizations because of communication through doctors. I would rather someone that I believe cares about me advocates for me. I think maybe the manager could move things along if I say that I know about the accusation and don't know the outcome, but that I need help for more than the drinking if they want me alive and employed and can she maybe advise me on what to do next.

Feedback welcome. I am a mess. I can't believe how long this is taking.