I discharged myself from PHP today. I asked to speak to the therapist before group to avoid having to talk about it in front of everyone. He asked why. I said that because I am not willing to do what they advised (either residential or moving in with my parents), I saw no reason to continue. I said I had appointments set up with my therapist and psychiatrist. He said ok. I actually felt so much better afterwards. I don't feel guilty. I think it was going to be harmful going and having these things constantly brought up. I had to see the doctor again since it was my last day, and she asked the same questions about me living alone and how could I be sure I would be safe and what I would do if things got worse. I said I would go to the hospital. Just like I have done every time I needed it.
In group, I did tell the other patients that it was my last day when the therapist mentioned it. Thankfully, he didn't go into why. He said it was my decision and at one point was saying people make decisions and shouldn't feel guilty. I said I didn't. I said I was happy to go back to work. I have a therapist and psychiatrist. I didn't want to mention what they were trying to convince me to do because I didn't need more people agreeing. I didn't want to mention that I was seeing my outpatient psychiatrist because that doctor wasn't going to give me what I need to go back to work.
I texted my supervisor and boss that I have the appointment Friday and should be able to come to work after. The doctor already agreed via email to write the letter, although I may lie about the drinking to be sure. I don't even care about that because I need to work if I am going to stay remotely sane. If they ask at work about the outpatient program, I will probably say I stopped the group but do not want to discuss why. I can say I still have a therapist and psychiatrist.
I am happy to return to my therapist. She knows more about my relationship with my parents. She knows the self harm and suicidal thoughts are chronic, and I have repeatedly shown the ability to recognize and communicate if I need to be inpatient. She knows how much I value my job. And so I don't have to lie. I don't like lying.
So I am choosing to believe that I made the right decision, even if some lying and manipulation was involved. I feel relieved to not have the people at php constantly asking me to do things that I am not willing to do. I don't really believe their motives were always about what was best for me. I think that I was a liability because I live alone and don't have someone to vouch for my safety. I think that was the motivation for much of this. That and because I was repeating the program. I am also not really angry anymore. I think the doctor refusing to clear me for work was just the push I needed to see the program wasn't a good fit. Maybe I will find something else or just stick with individual therapy for now.
I left in a pretty good mood. I went to the bank, got my hair trimmed, the liquor store, Old Navy for some new jeans, and the grocery store. I was seriously shaking after the hair cut.. that was a little too much human interaction even though she barely talked except to ask about if it looked right. I almost chickened out about the jeans because of it, but I settled down after sitting in my car a minute. I know that I need to get over the social anxiety. Definitely will be taking my anxiety med before work Friday in the hopes that I won't panic. I know they say that fear of having a panic attack can lead to a panic attack. I haven't had one since being inpatient, but I just keep thinking how terrible it would be to start sobbing and hyperventilating at work. I may go ahead and tell the supervisor and manager that it's happened recently, so I can say in advance how I want to handle it.. mainly that I would need to go somewhere quiet and just work on breathing. I honestly don't know if it helps for someone to talk to me because all staff ever did was ask if I was ok and leave me alone. I guess it helped when other patients could tell it was going to happen and get me away from certain triggers or tell me to go to my room. So maybe mention warning signs. I honestly don't even know if they were anxiety attacks. I do know that it's mainly related to noise and crowds and not feeling safe (but thankfully people breaking things and beating on doors is not something I encounter at work).
I'm rambling. I'll stop now.
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