Thank you and the update

Thank you for the comments on the past couple posts. The encouragement is much appreciated. I was just in a bad place the past few days and between this and a couple friends, I have held it together.

So the update

I got there in a bit of a state. I was anxious and depressed. When the supervisor left me sitting in the conference room for a minute, I realized how badly I was shaking. The manager and he came in. I said that over the past couple days things have gotten a lot worse.  I said that I had gone from depressed and self destructive to depressed and suicidal. I said I need to be in the hospital.

They said that I need to do what's best for me. They said that I shouldn't be worried about work, nobody will be upset. The manager said not to feel like I need to be back as soon as possible. She said not to feel like I need to be back in a week.. to take as much time as I need to get better. She said I should qualify for medical leave, and my supervisor emailed the HR guy about talking to me. I met with him and said the same thing, which was a bit awkward since this was my first time speaking to him. But he said he would get the paperwork ready, so I went back to work and wait. I then picked it up. This all happened while 2 other coworkers had no idea what was happening.

I managed the rest of the day. The manager said when we met that she didn't want me working on reconfirmations today. I don't know if it's because she didn't want me stressed or something else. I didn't ask. I talked a little with my supervisor over lunch. I said something about having to take a break yesterday (when I was crying), and he said the manager mentioned it, which left me wondering who told her. I nearly cried later at some point and had to walk around. I tried to offer to help with the pull and he reminded me that I couldn't do reruns. I said to tell me if he needed help with anything. At midnight he told me to go home. We awkwardly quietly discussed tomorrow. I said I will text him when I know that I am going inpatient. I asked if someone could contact him if I needed to drop off the paperwork and can't just fax it. I left. I cried driving home.

Nothing they said suggested that I should feel guilty. Nothing they said, no concerned looks, can make the guilt go away. I know I left a plate unfinished when he told me to go home.. even if I did more work than the other two. I saw the rerun sheet. I know what he said was on the pull, and I hate myself for not being there tomorrow. However, I know I can't keep it up. I can't keep working while exhausted and depressed. I can't keep leaving an wondering if I can drive off the road at the top of that hill and die. I can't keep walking around the building fighting tears. I will wake up and pack a bag. I will take my babies to my parent's house. I will go into the damn hospital again because it seems that people like me to be alive. Judging from what she said and from her face, the manager is included in that. I will make an effort to fix this and pretend that I have hope for a different life. I will go inpatient and really hope that I can sleep and come out less exhausted. I will try. I don't know if I want to. I don't know if I want to survive this, but I will try? If nothing else if I want to make it up to them and undo this guilt about work, I have to come back and work.

So thank you for your support through all of this. I still haven't been written up or whatever, but I have taken medical leave. I may or may not write again before I go inpatient. So if you don't hear from me for a while, I am safe. I am trying. I am debating telling the coworker who brought me tissues during my crying break that I am taking some time to get help because I am not sure what my supervisor will tell them, and I want her not to worry. I texted the one I have been talking to about this and who told me I can't keep doing this and told her what happened. She was happy and said to rest. I may text the other and just say that I am taking time to get help and if anyone asks that I am safe. I don't know. I think I have been crazy enough lately that it will make sense if I am gone, and the coworker that knows can tell anyone who asks that I am fine. Maybe I will tell her that it is OK to tell anyone who is concerned about me that I am fine. I will decide tomorrow. Tonight I am enjoying my last night drunk and trying to avoid guilt. I may write tomorrow if I have free time, but I will definitely update when I get out. I am promising here (and I hate lying) that I will go tomorrow. If my first choice doesn't have a bed, I will go somewhere else. I will do this. Thank you and good night.