Hating myself

So I hate myself tonight, and you might too after this... but whatever.

So I left my parent's house tonight to drive home. On the way, I heard a car crash. I only saw a little out of the corner of my eye. One car hit, the other rolled, and traffic kept moving. I was in the middle lane going the opposite way and couldn't really just stop. The road was busy, and I decided someone would stop and call 911. The decision was also based on the selfish thought that I am not emotionally stable and turning around to go back and be sure someone called would make me worse. I frequently think of ways to kill myself while driving. There are so many ways to die driving, so spending any amount of time around car accidents makes me suicidal. I did see a cop car turn around and drive back toward the intersection. It was also right next to a fire station. So I can 100% guarantee that the people got help, but I don't know what happened. And I am hating myself.

I had a rough day anyway. I had therapy and updated her on work. I saw my parents. I actually asked my mom about medical leave paperwork because she has more experience with it, so I have some idea what I need to do. I had to call in for a meeting at work. I did text my supervisor to see if he talked to the manager, and he said yes. I don't know what to expect tomorrow.

After the drive home tonight, I did stop to stock up on first aid supplies because I knew I wasn't going to avoid it tonight. I need help. I need my job to value me enough to let me go. If I can go tomorrow or Saturday, I will. I just want this over and dealt with and not to have the unknown hanging over me. I don't know what will happen. Maybe they will say nothing. Maybe I will be fired. Maybe they will understand that I am getting worse. I am basically only taking the seroquel (and thyroid medicine and antibiotic) and none of my other meds. I intend to be honest if I go inpatient about it because it would be worse to claim I am taking 5 other things. I want a fresh start. I want a set of meds that could work and not to be trying to keep up with a bunch that nobody knows if they're working. I want to be a functioning human being, but I know that healthy people don't buy new knives to be sure they have the same type that has resulted twice in needing stitches. They don't take a water bottle full of vodka to drink before visiting parents and drink it mixed with diet Pepsi before a work meeting. I then stash any container that had vodka in it in the trunk of my car so I can't get a ticket for driving with an open/alcohol container. Logic. Fucked up logic.

So I'm rambling. It's been a rough day. I will update tomorrow.